Spiral Bound
by Dmarx
Summary: There were so many things he wanted to say to her, but that wasn't a part of their relationship. So he wrote her letters instead, hid them away, never intending for her to read them. Until one day, Kate stumbled upon them by mistake. Complete.
1. Flowers For Your Grave

_Summary: There were so many things he wanted to say to her, but that wasn't a part of their relationship. So he wrote her letters instead, hid them away, never intending for her to read them. Until one day, Kate stumbled upon them by mistake._

_Author's Note: This was inspired by a post on Tumblr earlier this week captioned 'Letters to Kate.' A few people suggested turning the idea into a fic so, well, here you have it. All credit for this idea goes to katiic. Also, m_any thanks to Beetlebug for looking this over and convincing me that it was good enough to post!__

_Assume an established relationship._

_Disclaimer: _[Insert witty comment about how I lay no claim to Castle and its characters]__

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><p><strong>SPIRAL BOUND<strong>

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><p><strong>Flowers For Your Grave<strong>

**April 2014**

"Hey Castle?"

"Yeah?"

He poked his head around the door frame, clad only in boxers and a t-shirt, toothbrush hanging out of his mouth. Kate stood in the office, bare feet curling against the cold wood of the floor, her hands tightly clenched around a smallish, rectangular object. Her hair was down, falling around her face in loose waves, a stark contrast to the tense lines of her jaw.

Whatever she was holding, he very much disliked what it was doing to her stress levels.

It took a moment for everything to register but when it did, Castle's first instinct was to panic. And choke on his toothpaste. He hadn't hidden the notebook, per se, but he also hadn't planned on her finding it. Though given that he'd been digging through her desk at the precinct for years, it seemed only fair that she do the same to him here at the loft.

"Kate," he held out his hand to stop her, hurried back to the bathroom to finish brushing his teeth.

When he re-emerged, Kate was still standing by his desk chair, seemingly frozen in place. In her hand was his journal, a spiral notebook with a lightly textured black and brown leather cover. It was open to the first page, and her eyes were glued to the words hastily scrawled across the top two lines. The date in the upper right corner indicated that this – the first page, at least - had been written six years ago. Back when they first met. And the second line simply said "Kate."

"What is this?" she asked softly but shakily, lifting her eyes to his as he approached. Castle made his way towards her slowly, tentative, attempting to remain calm, but she could see in his eyes that he was unsure, maybe a bit apprehensive.

He came to a stop next to her, rested a hand on her hip. "It's...I...I write?" he offered sheepishly. "It's kind of my thing."

"Castle, this is from our first case. You barely knew me."

He shrugged lightly. "I know."

She turned her head, looked up at him. "So, why?"

"Have you read it?" His expression melded into a mix of curiosity and nervousness, his body slightly more relaxed now that he could tell she wasn't completely panicked. Not yet, at least.

"No," she admitted softly. "I stopped when I saw my name."

He slid the book from her hands, closed it but didn't put it away.

"Castle?"

Silently he tugged on her arm with his free hand, guided her into their room, onto their bed. Only once they were situated, Kate between his legs, her back against his chest, did he hand the notebook back to her.

"I've been writing to you ever since that first case," he said softly, his breath washing over her neck, her ear, making her shiver and burrow further back into him. "You can read it...all of it...if you want to."

"Since the first case?" she asked in awe.

Castle nodded against her, the day's worth of stubble scratching lightly against her skin.

"W...why?"

"Because I couldn't just tell you. Talking wasn't really our thing."

Kate couldn't help but chuckle at that.

Her eyes dipped to the journal again and she flipped it open to the first page once more. She faltered. "Are you sure?"

"I wrote them for you, Kate," he promised. "I mean, I never thought you'd actually read them."

"But...we should right?" she cut in, knowing that within those pages was their history. All the miscommunications and near misses and poorly timed confessions that they'd never talked about. All the things they were simply content to ignore. All the things that probably needed to be brought out into the open.

Castle wrapped his hands around hers on the edges of the journal. "This is yours now. Ours. Just...you need to understand, some of this isn't going to be easy to read."

Kate exhaled falteringly. She could do this. She really could. "Okay. I can handle it."

His hands left hers, came to rest on her sides, squeezing gently. "You sure?"

She nodded, hesitating only slightly. "Just don't go anywhere, okay?"

Castle pressed his lips to her hair in response, wrapped his arms all the way around her, hands coming to rest on her stomach.

She took a deep breath, dropped her eyes once more to the first page.

_Kate,_

_I don't really know why I'm writing this. I guess it's because if I said these words to you in person, you'd probably maim me in some horribly painful way. I'm rather fond of my anatomy, and given the choice, I'd rather keep everything intact. Besides, words are kind of my specialty._

_I never thought I'd say this about any woman, but I'm glad that you turned me down yesterday. Because if you'd said yes, we would have had our fun and that probably would have been it. I have no doubt that it would have been fantastic. But then I probably would have woken alone in bed this morning, and I'd never see you again._

_But I don't want this to be the end, Kate. I don't say this about many people, but there's something about you that intrigues me, makes me want to know more. I know you have a story, much deeper and more complicated than the one I profiled for you yesterday. Maybe this makes me nosy, but I can't help myself. I'm a writer. I live for the story. And I want to learn yours._

_I'm can almost guarantee you're going to hate me for what I'm planning to do later this afternoon. I know you probably don't want to see me anywhere near the Twelfth Precinct ever again. But yesterday when I went home, I did something I haven't done in ages; I wrote. I've been blocked for months, but all of the sudden there was a fresh new character in my head._

_You inspired her, Kate. You're tough and strong (and sexy as hell) in a way that only you can be, and I need more of that. I need to see you in action, get to know you better. I want to learn about what drives you, what makes you so good at your job._

_So please don't hate me for showing up at the precinct in a few minutes. Just like I told you during the case, I'm here for the story. And now I'm here for your story, too. For research for my next novel, starring a smart, savvy female detective. I promise, you're going to love her!_

_I know you'll never read this letter, but it feels so much better to have this all written down. I guess you could say that it helps me organize my thoughts, sort out my feelings._

_And if you do end up hurting me for barging into your life this afternoon, well, perhaps someone will stumble across this and then they'll know the reason behind my demise._

_I'll see you at the Twelfth in a few minutes._

_Please don't shoot me._

_-RC_

Silence filled the room as Kate finished the letter, tried to decide what to say. She didn't let go of the journal, but loosened her grip, allowing it to rest against her thighs.

"You were glad I turned you down?" she asked eventually, doubtfully.

"Yes. I was." He squeezed her tighter, planted a kiss on the side of her neck. "Though not nearly as much so then as I am now."

"Why?"

"Because if you hadn't, we probably wouldn't be sitting here."

Kate allowed a small smile to escape briefly before returning to the list of questions floating through her head.

"You still wanted to sleep with me though, didn't you?"

Castle chuckled, the vibrations flowing through his body, still pressed tightly against hers. She could feel the contraction of his abdominal muscles against her back, shivered as it rippled through her body.

"Of course I did. You're hot as hell, Kate. What man wouldn't want to?" He trailed his fingers up to her waist, his large hands nearly spanning the slim distance, emphasizing his point. "I won't lie and say that I wanted more at first, because we both know that I didn't. But the moment you sauntered away from me, it became a challenge. I still wanted you...but for the first time ever, I was going to have to fight for it. I'd never had to do that before, and that, truthfully, is what drew me in."

"I...really?"

"You know how stubborn I can be," he smirked proudly.

Kate turned her head, pressed her lips to his cheek once, twice.

She felt him smile against her as she spoke again.

"I'm glad you stayed, Castle."

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><p><em>Author's Note part 2: This is a new one for me, and possibly the most difficult and daunting thing I've taken on in terms of writing. It's very different, as you can see, and even this first chapter was challenging to write. That being said, I'm asking for two things from you guys. 1) Patience. Some of these might take some time to really work out in my head. And 2) ideas, suggestions, etc. My goal is to do one letter for every case. That's a LOT of letters - so if there's anything you'd like me to touch on, etc, please let me know!<em>

_Thanks!_


	2. Nanny McDead

_Author's Note: Wow! I was blown away by the response to the last chapter! You guys are so sweet and encouraging, and I really hope this chapter lives up to all of your expectations. I think I responded to all of the reviews, but if I missed some, I apologize. Know that I really appreciate your feedback!_

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><p><strong>Nanny McDead<strong>

Silence fell as they digested the first letter, the conversation spawned by it. Castle had started this notebook so long ago that he couldn't remember everything contained in its pages, especially those from early in their partnership, and he hoped that none of it was horribly tacky or shallow. But so far, this was not so bad.

The first letter was relatively straight-forward, free of innuendo (for the most part), and not overly deep or emotional. Some of them were, though. Some he knew word for word, simply because he'd been so distraught when he wrote them that the sentences were forever drilled into his brain. Those were the ones, really, that he was most worried about, not only because his own feelings would undoubtedly resurface, but because it would bring back memories for her as well. Memories that she had only recently been able to put to rest.

But they would deal with those when the time came. For now, Castle was actually looking forward to this, to seeing what he'd written six years ago. For so many years, he'd been documenting their story with his words. Every day they continued to write it, together. But this...it was as though they were reading their story from the outside looking in. And that was something new and different.

Castle felt Kate move against him, her elbow bumping his arm as she flipped the page slowly.

"You okay?" he asked softly.

She nodded, her cheek brushing his, as they settled in to read the next letter. "Yeah."

_Kate,_

_I learned something about you today. People say you're the best homicide detective in New York City. After this last case, I completely agree. I'm sure it couldn't have been easy for you. Hell, it was a difficult situation for me to watch, and I wasn't really all that involved. But the way you handled it amazed me._

_When you're interrogating someone, you're tough and intimidating (in an incredibly sexy way). But today with Chloe, you were completely different. You were compassionate and empathetic, and it was the first time I'd seen that side of you. I knew it had to be there, beneath the hard shell on the outside. And now that I've seen it, it makes me even more curious as to what it was that caused you to put up that tough exterior and hide the softer parts of you away. Or maybe that shell is just a necessary part of being a cop. I think there's more to it than that, though._

_What are you afraid of, Kate? Who did this to you, caused you so much pain that you feel like you have to hide?_

_I can't get a very good read on you, and maybe that's because you don't want me to. I know you're still not thrilled with this situation, as evidenced by the fact that you didn't want to call me and you threatened to shoot me. But I'm excited about it. I'm excited to learn more, not just about you, but about the work you do. It's pretty cool, being up close and personal on interrogations and take-downs and the like._

_And I can't wait to have another chance to figure out your story, to start digging some more. This new side of you has me curious, yearning for an explanation. I know there's one somewhere, deep down inside of you, and I highly doubt you'll willingly share it with me. But if there's one thing I'm good at, it's putting together the pieces of a puzzle._

_So far I have three._

_1. Something bad happened to someone close to you._

_2. Whatever it was, it was very personal and very painful for you._

_3. Having suffered that pain is part of what makes you a good cop because you're able to empathize with the victims. Something like that can't be taught. It's something you learn through experience._

_Like I said, pieces of a puzzle. So now I'm sitting at home, looking forward to our next case, to seeing you in action again. To finding the next piece, figuring out how it all adds up._

_It's intriguing, a game like this._

_And one day, I'm going to understand how it all fits together._

_-RC_

Kate lifted her head slowly, signaling that she'd finished reading, but didn't immediately say anything.

"Uh, umm..." Castle began awkwardly.

"Hmmm?"

"Yeah, that one probably wasn't my proudest moment. Making it into a game, I mean."

Surprisingly, she wasn't as upset about it as she felt like she should be. Maybe because it was in the past and she knew Castle was different now, knew that what they had now was not a game at all. But maybe it was also because, game or not, at least she now understood why Castle had been so interested from the beginning. Why she'd been able to not only snag his interest, but also retain it.

He'd once said that she was a mystery he was never going to solve. At the time, Kate didn't really believe him. And she certainly didn't know that his interest (beyond wanting to sleep with her) had started this early in the partnership. Apparently she'd underestimated him. In more ways than one.

"You were close," she replied softly, her thoughts drifting back to both the letter and his words during their very first case.

"Like I said, pieces of a puzzle."

"Maybe you should have a secret career as a profiler or something."

"Oh, damn, you weren't ever supposed to figure that out," he teased, gently tickling her sides, making her squirm. "I actually work for the FBI, I just write novels and shadow you during my extensive free time."

Kate laughed, really laughed, head thrown back against his shoulder, the sound loud, bright, musical, filling the room. It was beautiful, contagious, and it quickly spread to him.

"Really, though, how did you peg me so quickly?" she asked as their laughter died down.

"I'm an author. I've spent years writing about death and murder and killers. And if there's one thing I've learned, it's that every action, every decision made, has a psychological reason behind it. For the most part, people don't kill just for the hell of it...unless they're clinically insane, obviously. They kill because they're angry or jealous. Just like people close up because something happened to them in the past that hurt or scared them. It's a decision, conscious or not, that everyone makes."

"Think about it," he continued, pausing only long enough to take a breath. "You search for motive whenever you're looking through suspects. Motive is really just whatever happened that jump-started the decision-making process."

Kate nodded slowly, thoughtfully. "I guess I never thought of it like that."

"Well, that's what makes me the creative one in the relationship."

Kate twisted her arm around behind her, swatted at whatever part of him she could reach. "Shut up, Castle."

He smirked. "Oh yeah? And what do I get if I do?"

She rose, turned in his arms until she was kneeling in front of him, and the look in her eyes could only be described as alluring and sinful.

"If you do," she wrapped her arms around his neck seductively, pulled him in for a brief kiss before speaking in a low voice, lips still brushing his, "I'll show you exactly how creative I can be."

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><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	3. Hell Hath No Fury & Hedge Fund Homeboys

_Author's Note: I've decided to combine these next two because on their own they were pretty short. However, they're similar in atmosphere, so I feel like it works. Let me know what you think. Thanks to Beetlebug and Ariel119 for tossing around ideas with me for the second half of this one. _

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><p><strong>Hell Hath No Fury &amp; Hedge Fund Homeboys<strong>

A gruesome double homicide kept them out late the next four nights and by the time they got home each day, they barely had enough energy to collapse into bed, thoroughly exhausted. But after the case was wrapped up and they were back at the loft and ready for bed by a much more reasonable hour, Kate opened the drawer of Castle's nightstand, removed the journal.

"Reading some more?" he asked as he crawled into bed, scooted right up next to her.

She leaned into his bare side, opened to the third entry. "Yeah. Maybe just a couple."

Castle wrapped his arm around her shoulders, holding her close as she settled the book on her lap and began to read.

_Kate,_

_To be honest, I don't have a lot to say today, but since I've done this for the last two cases we've worked, I feel as though I should continue._

_I guess what stands out to me more than this most recent case is the book launch party. I never expected you to show up, considering that whenever I'm around, you're usually very anxious to get rid of me. I mean, I know you're a fan - otherwise you never would have connected those first three murders. But I didn't foresee you willingly putting yourself in the same room as me. Of course, I also didn't have you pegged for a bright pink dress and strappy heels type of girl. I guess I still have a lot to learn_

_It was a good look, though. Your legs went on for miles, with the short dress and high heels. Your hair was different than it normally is...edgier, I think, would be the best adjective. It suits you._

_Everyone else in the audience probably thought I was just choking up because I was reading the last words of Derrick Storm. In reality, the words simply stuck in my throat the moment I saw you there, sauntering through the crowd, slipping off your coat in a manner far too sexy to be done in public._

_You were doing it just to tease me, weren't you? Just to get my attention? If so, you certainly succeeded. I mean, how can any man see you and not want you? You're just...one look, and I'm drawn in._

_I know I should have been signing autographs and meeting fans the moment I left the podium, but I just had to come find you. I wanted to find out why you were there, though unfortunately your reason wasn't the one I was hoping for. And I wanted to tell you how nice you looked. Until my mother waltzed in and ruined the moment in a way that only she can. So, since I didn't get to say it earlier, you looked incredibly hot tonight._

_And one more thing...I know you hate the name Nikki Heat. I know you want me to change it, and if you'd had your gun tonight, you probably would have held it up to my head until I agreed. Thank goodness you were un-armed (Unless you have a thigh holster. Do you? Because that would be so hot). But I know Nikki Heat is going to be a hit, and the title options are endless. Plus, it's fitting, somehow, for the character I've created, the relationship she's going to have with the handsome journalist who's following her around. Fiery and spicy. Lots of heat._

_It's going to be great. I promise, you're going to love her! Not that I should be worried, really, since it appears that you're pretty familiar with my books. You've read every single one, haven't you? There's no way you've read _Hell Hath No Fury _and not all the others._

_Someday, I'm actually going to get you to admit to it._

_Until then, I'll be operating under the assumption that you're a secret fangirl. Maybe even one of the crazy online ones who leave strange messages on the fan sites. You've posted on some of those, haven't you? You know, you don't have to leave creepy messages for me. If you're interested in attending a private book signing, all you have to do is ask._

_-RC_

Kate snorted. "I'm not a crazy fangirl."

"You so are."

"Not."

"Maybe not now, since you have the real author at your service whenever you want." He indicated himself and she rolled her eyes.

"Right, for my _private book signing,_" she quoted, fingers curling into mock quotation marks in the air.

"I'd be more than happy to sign your chest, if you'd prefer."

"Why? So you can help me wash it off?"

"Well, I mean, I could always sign my name in chocolate syrup." He smiled teasingly. "More than once. All over you."

"Oh really?"

"Don't worry, I'll gladly help clean it off when we're done."

"Yeah?" Kate raised an eyebrow, eyes glimmering with sex appeal. "And how exactly would you do that?"

He smirked, a hungry look in his eyes. "I've been told I'm very good with my mouth.

Heat flamed her face at the bluntness of his words, the intensity of his eyes drilling into hers, and heat blossomed low in her belly, spreading fire through her veins. Because _oh,_ he wasn't lying. _Good _was an understatement.

"So, Detective," he spoke in a low voice, heavily tainted with arousal. His eyes twinkled knowingly as he leaned in, wetting his lips with his tongue as he drew closer and closer. "Care to arrange such an event?"

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><p>Kate collapsed on top of Castle, breathing heavily, a heady flush spread over her body. He lifted his arms with some difficulty, wrapped them around her, hands settling on her lower back. Her skin was damp beneath his fingers, slight goose bumps rising as the cool air met her naked body.<p>

"On second thought," he panted, his fingers tracing the soft curve of her waist. "Maybe you should be the one doing the signing."

She smirked. "Yeah? You liked that?"

Castle groaned at the memories; her tongue on his skin, the way she rose above him, the reflection of the city lights illuminating her skin, reflecting in the dark of her eyes.

God, she was just so incredibly sexy. And beautiful. And talented. And amazing.

"Kate," was all he could manage. His brain was foggy, his limbs heavy, and words were not his strong point at present.

Castle was not sure how long they laid there, Kate sprawled on top of him, both thoroughly relaxed and completely sated. She drifted off at one point, as did he, both of them slipping back into consciousness half an hour later only because the chill of the room was beginning to settle in.

Kate shifted, attempting to move off of him, but his arms tightened around her in response.

"Stay."

"I'm cold," she protested sleepily.

"But I'm nice and warm."

Kate pushed off his chest, rolled out of his arms and onto the bed next to him. He wasted no time in turning onto his side, cocooning her in his embrace and pulling the covers up around them.

She flinched sharply as a protruding corner poked into her back from beneath the sheets.

"What is it?"

She lifted her shoulder, extracted the journal from where it lay forgotten. Before they got, well, distracted.

Castle reached out to take it from her, set it aside, but she surprised him by lifting up on one elbow, flipping the notebook open again.

"One more?"

Kate smiled by way of an answer.

He propped himself up as well, shoulder pressed against hers beneath the covers, and together they began reading the next letter.

_Kate,_

_I think I need to invest in a pair of earmuffs. Otherwise I may find myself without an ear, and that would be a shame to have my handsome image destroyed in such a manner._

Kate snorted, rolled her eyes, but Castle simply offered a raised eyebrow and a sexy smirk. She rolled her eyes again, shifted her focus back to the page.

_You think I'm handsome, right? I think you do, even if you won't admit it. Just like I think you kind of like having me around even though you pretend you don't. But that's okay, because the feeling is very mutual. I'm having a great time shadowing you. And learning about you._

_I still can't quite figure you out, though. You obviously came from a well-off family. You're smart, both mentally and common-sense-wise. But what were you like when you were younger? I found myself wondering that a lot during this case. Were you anything like these kids? I know you didn't actually go to private school, but you had me convinced for a moment there._

_(By the way, it worries me, how convincingly you lied about that.)_

_I can see you being a bit of a rebel back in the day. Not as much as these kids, mind you. I know you never would have done what they did. But I bet you had your fun partying and spending late nights out on the town. Yeah, I can see that in you. There's a wild child hidden down in there somewhere, isn't there? You're by the book now, but I bet you weren't always such a stickler for rules._

_You should come out with me some time. We'll grab a drink, do some dancing. It'll be a chance for you to let your hair down, have some fun, break some rules. Come on, Beckett. I know you want to._

_But unfortunately this is just a letter, and it's highly unlikely that you'll ever read it. And I doubt even more that you would say 'yes' to my offer._

_But mark my words...one of these days I'm going to convince you to let me take you on a date._

_A little bit of alcohol, skimpy dress, and some dancing…yeah, we'd have a lot of fun together._

_-RC_

"Well, I guess I was right," Castle said smugly as they finished reading.

"Right how?"

"Well, I did eventually convince you to go out with me."

"_I _was the one who came to _you_."

"I...okay, fine. You got me there. But we do have fun." He raised an eyebrow sexily. "Lots of it. So I was right about that."

Kate rolled her eyes, set the journal aside. "Wow, Castle."

"Wow, what?"

She shook her head. Sometimes he was so annoying. Except the voice in her head was reminding her that she no longer found it annoying. Endearing would be a more accurate adjective, though she'd never admit it aloud.

"On a related subject, am I ever going to hear any more of your 'wild child' stories?"

"I've told you plenty, Castle."

"Oh, no, Detective. There's no such thing as too many stories about you and your rebellious, leather-clad, motorcycle-riding, phase."

"Am I ever going to hear about your naked police horse escapades?"

He waggled his eyebrows. "I don't know. Can you handle the mental images of me naked and straddling a horse?"

"I think, Castle," she said in a sultry voice, trailing her hand down over his bare stomach, lower and lower, "I've proven that I'm quite adept at _handling_ things."

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><p>Once again, the journal lay forgotten on the bed.<p>

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><p><em>Thoughts? Suggestions for the rest of season 1?<em>


	4. A Chill Goes Through Her Veins

_Author's Note: I know a lot of you were looking forward to this one. I hope I did it justice!_

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><p><strong>A Chill Goes Through Her Veins<strong>

The next time Kate opened the journal was two days later, a rainy Sunday morning. She had the day off and, given the weather, no desire to venture far from the bedroom and the warmth of her bed partner. It was early yet, but she'd never been much of one for sleeping in. And this journal had really captured her, piqued her curiosity.

She'd always loved his writing, his way with words. That was no secret. But this was different. Nikki Heat was based on her, yes, but this was actually about her, no characters in between to blur the lines between fiction and reality. This was Castle, writing about her and only her, honest and open, chronicling their story from day one. And somehow, reading it made it seem even more amazing - how far they'd come.

She flipped to the fifth entry, sneaking a glance at her partner as she did so, briefly wondering if she should wait for him. They'd read together so far and somehow that seemed fitting. It was their story, after all.

Castle was lying next to her, sprawled on his stomach, sheet slung low over his back. He was facing her, face relaxed in sleep, features soft and handsome, and he looked so adorable that she didn't want to wake him.

Kate sighed happily, tracing his cheek, his jaw, with her finger. Sometimes it was still hard for her to believe that they were here, living together in the loft. That she got to wake up next to him every morning, usually naked. She smiled at that thought, her hand dropping to the bed again.

Castle hummed softly, sleepily shifting closer to her warmth, seeking her out. One eye blinked open blearily, her face the first thing to come into focus. She was gazing down on him lovingly, radiant smile, soft features shining with happiness, and he couldn't think of a single better way to start the day.

He forced his other eye open, squinted against the light. "Morning."

She smiled, leaned down to kiss his temple. "Morning sleepyhead."

He rolled onto one side, pushed up on his elbow. "How long have you been up?"

She shrugged. "Not long."

"You're reading?"

She followed his line of sight to her hands, the journal resting between them. "I was just about to. But you distracted me." The last words slipped out without permission and Kate bit down on her tongue, but it was too late.

Castle raised an eyebrow smugly. "And how exactly did I manage that while sleeping?"

Her eyes flicked to his naked form, just briefly, but Castle noticed, smirked. "Like what you see?"

Kate whacked his chest. "Shut up."

He leaned in, pressed a soft good morning kiss to her lips. "I love you too."

She smiled into the kiss, couldn't help herself. It still caught her off-guard sometimes how quickly he could go from teasing to loving and back again, but his spontaneity was one of the things she'd come to love the most about him. There was something inherently thrilling about never knowing what was coming next.

Another reason she was so addicted to this journal.

Castle rolled back onto his stomach, mimicking her, his weight resting on both elbows, his left forearm linked over her right one. He twined their hands together, using them to hold the notebook open, and they silently began to read.

_Kate,_

_I don't really know where to start with this one. I'm still reeling from the information you shared with me today, and I can only pretend to understand how you must feel, having to live with that weight every day, never knowing what really happened. Never being able to speak to your mother again. Never being able to give her a hug. I can't imagine what that's like._

_We have something in common, you and me; we both have only one parent in our lives. But we're different, too. I've never known my father, never missed him, because he was never there to begin with. I can't even begin to imagine what it must have been like to know your mother and then lose her, especially at such a young age._

_And then to nearly lose your dad, too. I've known from the beginning that you're strong, but until today I didn't realize the extent of your strength. You're tough, you're resilient, and I admire who you've become in spite of what's happened to you._

_I know you probably hate hearing this, and I doubt it truly helps, but I'm sorry._

_And I want to help you, because even though we don't know each other that well, I don't like the fact that you live with this pain every single day._

_You'll probably hate me if you ever find this out but I have the case file here with me, hidden away in my top desk drawer. I'm going to see what I can find. There has to be a missing link somewhere, something that those cops didn't see or didn't want to see. And I'm going to do everything I can to find it. For you. Because you spend every day giving others closure, but you've never been afforded the same courtesy. I want to change that._

_I also want to thank you for sharing that piece of your past with me, your mother and her ring and your dad's watch. It couldn't have been easy to talk about. And I want you to know that I'm not taking that information lightly. The basic background story may appear as part of Nikki's character, but the details of the case, or what your family went through, will not. Some things aren't meant to be broadcast to the world._

_Know that your secret is safe with me._

_-RC_

To his surprise...and hers...her eyes were dry when they finished reading, which spoke to not only how far she'd come, but how far they'd come, together, that they could read something like this and still be okay. Her mood was noticeably more somber, as was his. There was no smile on her face, not much light in her eyes. But it was progress and for him, for them, that was enough.

"I've always wondered," Castle began tentatively, continuing only after she nodded her assent, "why did you tell me?"

"I'm not sure," Kate admitted. "I guess because I figured I'd rather just tell you the truth than have you keep guessing and eventually get it right. And it prevented you from springing it on me at a time when I couldn't handle it."

He nodded thoughtfully. "That makes sense."

She squeezed his hand. "Do you think you ever would have figured it out?"

Castle took a deep breath, contemplating his answer. "I'm not sure. I might have gotten close. But there's no way I would've come up with all the details and everything else that happened. And since I couldn't even see your necklace, I don't know that I would have figured out that it was your mother, not your father."

"Hmmm."

They fell into silence for a moment, Kate playing with the corner of the page, tracing the sharp outline with her fingernail. After a while, she spoke again.

"Do you ever wonder how Nikki would have turned out if I hadn't told you?"

The question caught him off-guard and he paused, considering. "I...I honestly never thought about it. I mean, I knew from day one that there was something in your past. I didn't know what, but I think in my head that backstory was always there. It just wasn't as prominent."

"Hmmm," she said again. And that seemed to be the end of the conversation. She closed the book, set it aside, and leaned against Castle, her head on his shoulder.

"You okay?" he asked softly.

"Just thinking."

He recognized the slightly dejected look on her face, wisely opted not to speak again. It was the expression she got when she was thinking about her mother, about the more difficult times of her life. But lately it'd been less forlorn, the memories less tarnished and more cherished.

Progress.

Castle lay back down, gently guided her down with him so her head rested on his arm, her smaller frame surrounded by his larger one. The pitter patter of the rain against the window panes was the only sound aside from their breathing but the silence was not at all uncomfortable. Rather, it was necessary, had become a fixture of any conversation about Johanna in the past two years.

Despite having the answers, knowing who was behind it all hadn't done for Kate what she'd expected it to. It was good, yes. She was glad the information was out there, the days of wondering were over. But the pain of losing her mother, the one she'd always thought would disappear with the answers, hadn't. It continued to fade with time but she realized now that it would never completely go away.

She missed her mom in different ways now, too, ways she'd never considered before. She wished that she could introduce her to Castle. That she could be there to talk about him, calm her when she was angry at him and laugh about it later. To see how happy he made her. To be there on her their wedding day - because yes, Kate knew that was where they were headed eventually.

And though she'd gradually come to accept the pain, understand that the giant hole in her life and her heart would always be a part of her, there were still moments where it took her by surprise.

Moments like this.

It pained Castle, knowing that there was nothing he could do to help her. This was her burden, and while he could help shoulder the worst of it, he would never be able to erase it. So instead he put his energy towards perfecting the art of cradling her silently, allowing her to sink into the storm of her emotions while he anchored her to dry land.

When he'd asked once, she'd said that being in his arms helped more than he realized.

And if that was what Kate needed, Castle was more than happy to oblige.

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	5. Always Buy Retail & Home Is Where

_Author's Note: Apparently there's a limit on the length of chapter names. Hmmm... Also, I tried a little bit different format with this one...let me know what you fthink!_

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><p><strong>Always Buy Retail &amp; Home Is Where the Heart Stops<strong>

_Kate,_

_You looked good tonight. I can only imagine that you were less than pleased when I had that dress delivered to you, but I didn't want you to have to stress about finding a dress, and when saw that one, I knew you had to have it. I knew it was perfect for you. And I was right. You looked really good._

_I know we were undercover, but I had a fun time tonight. And I hope that you did too, or that, at the very least, it gave you a bit of an escape from the case. I know this one was especially difficult for you, because you made a promise to Joanne, and you don't seem like the type who would settle for anything less than upholding it. Especially in light of your own past. But you solved the case, and we got to dance together in the process. I'd say that's a pretty successful evening._

_You know, next time you need a stress release, we could always go out again. Not undercover this time. You wouldn't even have to win 'an evening in my company' at an auction. For you, I'd gladly make an exception. No auctions. Just dinner, dancing, and you in a fancy dress._

_It'd be much more fun - and less violent - than unloading on innocent paper targets. Although I had a fun time there, too. Showing off my skills. Cuddling with you. Don't deny it...you know that's what we were doing._

_I'm not complaining, though. Far from it. I'm game for anything that involves you and me in close proximity. I've always been one for hands-on research, and I got to do plenty of that these last couple of days. Especially tonight at the fundraiser._

_There's just one thing I was never able to figure out, though. Where in the hell did you hide your badge?_

_-Castle_

Kate was so engrossed in his words, in trying not to laugh at the last two sentences, that she didn't hear him approach, not until he slipped into bed, molded his body to hers from behind. Castle rested his chin on her shoulder, quickly skimmed the page she was on. Ah, yes. He remembered that one. As if he could ever forget her in that figure-hugging dress, the feel of her bare skin beneath his fingers and the skimpy laces that were all that was holding the dress together. Yeah, that evening was pretty well imprinted in his memory.

Kate sighed softly, relaxed into him as his arm came to rest over her torso.

"Did I miss any?" he asked softly, lips against her skin.

She flipped the page back. "One."

Castle caught her hand before she could flip the page back, halting her movement. Even though he'd written every letter, six years had passed and he wanted to reread all of them again, with her this time. It just seemed right, somehow, that they do it together. "Wait. This was a long time ago. I don't remember all of these."

She dropped her hold on the page and he twined their fingers together, pulled their arms to rest against her stomach, holding her against him. Kate tucked her head into the cradle of his neck and shoulders, allowed her body to melt into his. He held her tighter, breathed her in as he began to read his own words from so many years ago.

_Kate,_

_I learned a lot about you today._

_1. You're feisty. But don't worry; I like it. Besides, you don't seem like the type to pick on someone you don't actually like at least a little bit. You may be a horrible tease, but I don't think you're quite _that_ cruel._

_2. You're pretty badass, the way you stopped those guys from slamming the door in your face. The way you took out Baylor. It never gets old watching you in action._

_3. You're not a fan of Meredith. I could feel you judging me for having anything to do with her. It's okay - I sometimes judge myself for that too. I'll never regret Alexis, but let's just say that my marriage to her wasn't one of my better accomplishments._

_4. You were kind of impressed with me for the way I behaved during the gun battle. You didn't say it, and I know you probably never will, but I could see it in your face. Sometimes your eyes reveal a lot more than you realize._

_5. And...you really, _really_ were expecting me to kiss you in that hallway. I'd even go so far as to say that you wanted me to and were disappointed when I didn't._

_You know, all you have to do is ask. My services are always available._

_-RC_

She could tell when he finished reading because he dipped his head, pressed another kiss to her skin.

"So tell me, Detective. Was I correct in my assumption?"

Kate scoffed. "No."

Castle narrowed his eyes at the back of her head and though she couldn't see him, she could picture his expression very clearly. "Liar."

She grinned. It was so much fun, teasing him, watching him squirm. She loved having the upper hand. But this time, Kate supposed she could put him out of his misery.

She tilted her head back to meet his eyes with her own. "If you tell anyone, I'll deny it, but yes. I was expecting you to kiss me."

He pressed his lips to hers softly. "Like that?"

She un-twined their hands, reached up to cup his cheek and pull him back in, more passionately this time. He melded his lips to hers right away, tongue insistent and probing as her mouth caressed his in all the best ways. She pulled away all too soon in his opinion, leaving him in a haze, but from the darkness of her eyes he could see that the kiss clearly affected her just as much as it had him. "No. Like _that_."

Castle smirked but wisely said nothing.

Kate considered saying more, knew just the words to wipe the smug grin off of his face; the one that always showed up when she couldn't hide the effect he had on her. Oh, maybe she was _that _cruel. But not this time, she reminded herself. She was being nice tonight.

Instead, she just tossed a smirk over her shoulder before returning her attention to the journal. She felt him settle back down behind her and flipped forward to the letter she was reading when he joined her in bed a few minutes ago.

Castle had obviously read most of it before, because it wasn't long before he fixated on the last line, chuckled softly.

_There's just one thing I was never able to figure out, though. Where in the hell did you hide your badge?_

"Are you ever going to tell me the answer to that?" he asked as soon as she lifted her eyes from the page, and Kate didn't have to ask to know exactly to what he was referring.

Oh, he was just making it way too easy for her to tease him tonight.

"Nope."

"Why not?"

Kate could hear the petulance in his voice, grinned mischievously. She wriggled out of his grasp, set the notebook aside before fixing him with a coy smile.

"Tell you what. Next time I wear a dress like that, I'll let you investigate _very_ thoroughly."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	6. Ghosts

_Author's Note: This one has absolutely nothing to do with the case. But poker night...obviously I had to._

* * *

><p><strong>Ghosts<strong>

Kate blinked her eyes open, stretched her achy muscles as much as possible while cocooned tightly in Castle's embrace. It didn't take much to determine that her legs were, _oh._ Yep. They were sore. As were other areas. A good kind of sore, though, considering their adventures last night. He'd taken to heart her comment about allowing him to investigate, and had done so.

Very thoroughly.

Oh, but it was so good, and she couldn't find it in herself to be the least bit annoyed at herself for the way she behaved around him. She was insatiable. They both were. She needed him like she'd never needed anyone before, and in more ways than one. And while she used to scoff at herself for being the slightest bit needy, she'd long ago given up on pretending she didn't need Castle, that she didn't want him in her life in every possible way.

How could she not want this? Waking up in his arms every morning. Having someone there to 'help' her in the shower and make her coffee before work and have dinner ready when she came home on nights that she had to stay late. Some one to lounge around with on lazy days, talking and laughing.

While they weren't around much anymore, she'd also inherited his brilliant twenty-year-old daughter and the closest thing to a mother she'd had since she was nineteen. For the first time in years, she had a family.

Two years ago, she never would've admitted it, but now...now, she knew that she wouldn't have it any other way.

Comfortable as her partner's embrace may have been, however, she really needed to use the bathroom. Kate extricated herself from his arms and slipped out of bed and into the cool air of the loft. She snatched up his shirt from the floor, pulling it on and buttoning a few buttons as she crossed to the bathroom.

While washing her hands after using the toilet, she glanced at herself in the mirror, smiling at the glowing reflection shining back at her. She was beyond happy. She loved her life. She was so in love with Castle that it radiated from her every feature. And though it'd taken some time for her not to be afraid of those feelings, Kate loved seeing how much better she looked now than she had before.

It wasn't easy for her, for either of them, at times. During the rougher patches, the reflection that stared back at her had hollow, exhausted eyes, and no smile.

But she'd made it through; they'd made it through, together. And there wasn't a day that went by that Kate wasn't thankful that she had someone in her life who made her so glowingly happy.

With one last smile at herself she stepped back into the bedroom, surprised but pleased to find Castle awake. He was sitting up, back against the headboard, and had thrown on a t-shirt and boxers. Slightly disappointing, actually; she loved his chest just about as much as he loved hers.

He'd retrieved the journal - Kate was fairly certain it'd ended up on the floor last night during their rather enthusiastic activities - and was flipping through it absently, skimming the entries.

The book was almost full; he'd have to get a new one soon, because even though it was no longer secret, he planned to continue writing to her.

Castle lifted his eyes as she climbed back into bed, guided him from his thoughts. "Morning."

She cuddled up to his side, pressed a kiss to the underside of his jaw. "Morning."

He wrapped an arm around her, held her to him. "You look good in my shirt."

She just smiled up at him beneath her eyelashes.

"Where were we last night?" he flipped back to the front of the book.

"You mean before we got," she raised an eyebrow, "distracted."

The arm that was around her found the bare skin of her hip, began tracing patterns on her skin.

"Tease," he muttered.

"You love it."

Castle kissed her temple. "That I do."

She smiled, turned back to the notebook in his hands and flipped to the correct page.

_Kate,_

_I had a really fun time tonight. We should do poker night again sometime soon. And when we do, I'll prove to you that I'm not afraid of a little action. In fact, if you'd like, I'll show you just how much I excel at certain kinds of action. And we can start by playing strip poker. Just you and me._

_Don't worry, I wouldn't invite the guys or my mother (now there's a terrible mental image). No, it would just the two of us. We can even go to your place so we won't be disturbed. Just you and me and the cards and, hopefully, a lack of clothing. __I'm game if you are. It certainly was the most fun night I've had in a long time...even if you did beat me in front of everyone. _

_Of course, I could easily have taken you if I'd wanted you. Next time, when it's just you and me, I won't hold back. I'm going to make you bleed._

_It's pretty hot, though, knowing you're that good. That you could probably actually beat me, if you put your mind to it._

Kate snorted derisively. "Probably actually?"

"Well," he defended innocently.

"I've _definitely_ actually beaten you. Multiple times."

"Only because I let you win."

She scoffed. "Right."

"Okay, maybe that one time..." he began, was silenced by her fingers over his lips. Her eyebrow was arched pointedly, her silent way of letting him know that he was talking himself into a hole. "Right," he amended, miming zipping his lips as she dropped her hand.

Castle settled back down, resumed reading.

_Next time - strip poker. Think about it - it's fantastically promising scenario. Me without clothes, you without clothes. No matter how the games go, at least one of us ends of naked. And once one of us is naked, I think it's fair to assume that both of us will wind up that way. Like I said - it's a win/win. I don't expect you to agree right away, but m__ark my words, Detective: I can be very persuasive. I _will_ convince you eventually._

_-Castle_

__PS - I still want to know how you figured out that I threw my hand.__

Strip poker, huh? Well, now that sparked all sorts of sexy ideas.

The moment she finished reading, Kate slipped out of bed, leaving a confused Castle staring at her from behind. Not that he didn't enjoy the view.

But the pout fell from his lips as she sauntered across their bedroom towards the office, still wearing just his shirt, her long legs completely exposed. God, she was going to kill him.

"Where're you going?" he finally managed, eyes never leaving her bare thighs.

She turned in the doorway, coyly unhooked two buttons to reveal the inside curve of both breasts. His eyes traveled up her body, settling on the newly exposed skin, finally trailing up to her lips as she spoke.

"There's a deck of cards in your desk, right?"

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts? Suggestions for the upcoming chapters? Keep 'em coming!<em>


	7. Little Girl Lost

_Author's Note: Short and sweet, but I felt like this one needed to stand on its own._

* * *

><p><strong>Little Girl Lost<strong>

The morning sun peeked over the horizon, casting bright rays and long shadows over the landscape. Every tree appeared ten times as tall as it truly was, the shadows stretching across the ground and falling in streaks over the porch. Kate smiled as the sun hit her face, enjoying the warmth of summer that was finally beginning to break through the cool spring air.

She was seated in a wicker chair on the porch, clad in a button-down shirt and boxers, her bare legs curled up in front of her to stave off the light morning breeze. Her hair was semi-secured in the braid she'd slept in, wisps of it gently framing her face, catching the air currents and brushing across her skin.

Kate took a moment to appreciate the beauty of it all, to take in the sunrise, unmarred by the buildings and traffic and noise of the city. It was so rare that she got to be outside to witness the break of day, especially in a place like this. It was so calm and peaceful.

She curled her toes into the chair as she bent over and retrieved the small notebook from the ground next to her. A string of cases and the return of Alexis from college had severely limited the amount of alone time she and Castle had had in the last two weeks, and she hadn't touched the notebook since then.

But it was Memorial weekend, and she had the whole weekend off. She'd taken an extra personal day and they'd left last night to make it an extended vacation, and while Alexis and Martha and Jim would be joining them on Saturday, for today it was just the two of them and the ocean and the sand and the beach house and a giant, relaxing jacuzzi.

Kate squinted into the sun as she flipped open the book, found the next entry. It was dated April two-thousand-nine. Over five years ago. So many of those times were chronicled in her mind, moments between them that she'd never forget, for various reasons. But she was so glad Castle had written it all down, because he captured the details, the quotes, the feelings that she hadn't realized he'd had, certainly not back then. In the uncensored situation of writing in a journal, he'd been unafraid to voice the things that both had kept hidden for so long.

His CIA theories may have been way off base, but his letters, especially the more personal ones, were a constant surprise. She loved the way his mind worked, and these were no exception.

_Kate,_

_I found myself wondering today whether you want to have kids. From what I can deduce, it doesn't seem to be something you have planned in your near future. But someday, if you get married and decide to have a family, your kids will be so lucky. I can tell._

_You were amazing with little Angela. The way you comforted her. The way you fell asleep in her room, like you were watching over her even though she wasn't there. You're a natural. It shouldn't surprise me, really, with the level of empathy you exhibit on a regular basis._

_I have no idea how you feel about the topic, which is why I didn't say anything to you. It didn't really seem like my place. I know the pain of losing your mother still runs strong, and I'm sure it greatly influences your feelings on the matter. But I'm telling you as a father - being a parent is the single best thing that's ever happened to me. It's amazing. There's absolutely nothing like it. And I'd hate to see you miss out on such a wonderful aspect of life because of what's happened to you._

_I know I really have no right to even be saying these things to you, because I hardly know you. And I highly doubt you'd ever want to have this conversation with me. But after seeing you with Angela, I just feel like someone should tell you what it's like._

_You'd be amazing, Kate. You'd be such a good mother. And I truly hope that someday you have the chance to raise a family._

_-Castle_

Just as she finished reading, Kate heard the glass doors slide open behind her, footsteps on the balcony. She was staring, entranced, at the page, at his words, and looked up only when Castle squatted down in front of her, rested his hands on the chair on either side of her feet.

Her eyes were wide and searching, shimmering a dark liquid green in the early morning light, and the way she was looking at him was full of so much love that it threw him off-balance.

"Kate?"

She opened her mouth to speak but no words came out.

"Kate?" he probed again. "What's going on?"

She dropped her feet to the ground, held up the journal.

"You brought it?"

She nodded, wordlessly handed it over to him.

Oh. _Oh._

Kids. She was thinking about kids.

It wasn't something they'd discussed, and Castle always figured he'd be okay with whatever she wanted. After all, he'd already had the chance to be a father. If he could do so again, he'd be absolutely thrilled. If not...well, he had Alexis. And he had Kate.

But given the look in her eyes, they were apparently going to have this conversation right now.

"Yes," she said softly before he could figure out the right words.

"Yes what?"

"I think I do. Want kids," she iterated shakily. "Not now but...someday. I want us to."

Now it was Castle's turn to be rendered speechless. Kate Beckett wanted to have children with him. That meant that she was prepared to be with him for...well, forever. It wasn't a surprise, not really. They were living together. They'd been together for over two years. The 'forever' conversation was already under their belts. But kids - this was so much more.

"It's always scared me," she admitted softly. "I have a dangerous job and - I hate knowing that I'd be bringing them into the world with the possibility of suffering the way I did. But with you, I...I think I want to."

"Kate..."

The journal clattered to the deck as his hands rose to cup her cheeks, pull her in for a deep kiss.

"God, yes," he murmured against her lips when they finally separated, breathing hard, eyes dark. "So much, Kate."

"Someday," she promised again, leaning in for another kiss.

"Someday," he echoed softly.

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	8. A Death In The Family

_Author's Note: Thank you so much for your support last chapter! It means so much to me. You guys are amazing, truly._

* * *

><p><strong>A Death in the Family<strong>

After a rather heated make-out session spawned by Kate's declaration of love and forever and wanting to start a family, she found herself seated on Castle's lap in the same wicker chair, surrounded by his bare arms, his chin on her shoulder, his breath on her cheek.

The sun was higher now, the shadows less encompassing, as the two soaked up the warmth in contented silence. Neither had ever broached the topic of children, Kate because she was unsure where she stood and Castle because he feared the outcome of pushing things forward, but now that they'd crossed that bridge and knew each other's desires, it was as though their relationship had just taken a giant step forward.

Kate wanted to start a family one day. With him.

Wow.

"Do you want to read any more?" Kate asked eventually, lifting him from thoughts of small children with her enchanting eyes and his unruly hair, her smile and laugh and his sense of adventure and enthusiasm.

Castle lifted his head slowly, still enraptured by the images playing through his mind. "Yeah, yeah, we can."

"We don't have to if..."

"No, no. I want to," he clarified.

Castle spread his hand across her stomach, stroking gently, and the muscles quivered against his touch, causing her voice to flutter as she spoke again. "Mmkay."

Kate bent down to retrieve the journal from the deck, flipped through to the next entry. She had to admit, she was nervous as to what she might find in the pages that lie ahead. In the same way that the words of his novels had drawn her in so many years ago, his words on these pages were doing the same. Capturing her attention, tugging at her emotions, her heart.

And from what she could recall, the next letter was going to be a difficult one for them to read.

_Kate,_

_I hate what I'm about to do to you, and I know that you're going to hate me for it, too. Our partnership is probably going to be over after today, and I know you'd say that it's my fault, but what choice do I have? Because as much as I don't want to hurt you, my mother pointed out that I can't keep this from you forever. It wouldn't be fair, not now that I know that everything you know about your mother's case is based on an enormous lie. I have to tell you._

_And I'll have to suffer the consequences._

_I meant what I said in the hospital, you know. You're extraordinary. Every day, you give closure to innocent victims even though you've never gotten that for yourself. But you deserve it, and I want to help you find it. I want to find what those other cops denied you._

_You've never said it, but I know that you still want to solve this case. I can see it, because even though you've hidden it down, every time I mention the case, it's there, simmering just beneath the surface. You want answers. Is it really so horrible for me to want that for you too?_

_So I got the case file and gave it to a friend of mine. And he found something. I already had the information when I asked you about the case the other day, about why you'd never re-opened it. After the answer you gave me, I didn't want to tell you. I sincerely thought about not saying anything, respecting your wishes and not telling you in order to save our partnership._

_But I owe it to you to be truthful, no matter the consequences. I can't add to the web of deceit. I won't._

_I obviously made the wrong decision when I took the file home with me. I'm well aware that this is probably going to be our last case together. And if this is the last letter I ever write you, I want you to know that I never wanted to hurt you. I only wanted to help._

_I know you probably disagree, but I hope that when I tell you what I've found, you can see it from my point of view. Please, try to. Because I don't want this to be the end. I want to help you. _

_And we can do it together this time. That way you don't have to worry about getting lost in it again like you say you did before. I can be there to keep that from happening. _

__I care about you, Kate. So l_et me help you. Please._

_-Castle_

By the time they'd finished, his grip on her was tighter and the hand of hers that wasn't holding the journal was clinging to his arm. It was painful, reliving the memory, not only because of what he'd done at the time, but because it brought to the surface the other memories of her mother's case.

The case that nearly cost her her life, that nearly robbed them of their chance to be together, to become what they are today.

Kate spoke first, voice low but steady. "I never hated you, Castle."

"You didn't?"

She shook her head, her cheek brushing his temple. "No."

He thought back to their fight in the hospital hallway, the memory of her walking away from him, body trembling with unshed tears. At the time, he'd been absolutely convinced that he'd never see her again.

"_It's about your mother."_

_Kate stumbled backwards, calves connecting with the edge of the bench. "What?" she hissed, bracing a hand on the wall to regain her balance._

"_I..." he hesitated, not sure what to say. He'd witnessed her annoyance with him plenty of times, but this was different. This was pure anger. And he had no idea how to deal with an angry Kate Beckett._

"_What did I tell you?" she snapped, eyes flashing dangerously. "Did I or did I not make myself clear?"_

"_Yes, but..."_

"_But what? You think it's some sort of a game to stick your nose into my life and uncover things that you have no right knowing about?"_

"_No, I..."_

"_You think that just because you're shadowing me gives you permission to unearth my past and broadcast my pain to the whole world through one of your damn books? There are things that are private, Castle, things that I don't need other people to know about."_

"_No, it wasn't like that," he protested, the words spilling out while he had a chance to speak. "I already had the file. I had a friend of mine look at it. He's a pathologist and he found something, and I..."_

"_We're done, Castle," she interrupted, tears prickling the back of her eyes. "You can go now."_

"_Don't you want to know what I found?" he called out as she spun away._

_Kate stopped but didn't turn, and when she spoke, she had to fight to keep her voice steady. "I told you what happened last time. I can't go there again."_

"_But..."_

"_Goodbye, Castle."_

_And without a backwards glance, Kate Beckett walked away, leaving him alone in the long, desolate hallway._

Kate sighed, pulling him from his thoughts. "I hated what you'd done. And it took me a long time to see past that. But I knew that deep down, you'd done the wrong thing for the right reason. And I couldn't hate you for that."

He nodded thoughtfully. They'd never discussed this, not beyond his apology all those years ago, and there were things Castle had refrained from saying at the risk of upsetting her. But now that they were together and at a point where there were no secrets between them, he wasn't afraid to speak freely.

"We'd been working that case with the frozen lady," he began softly, continuing when she hummed her approval, "and I just...all the people that hadn't come forward, you know? And then I found out about your mom and...that case was the first one where I'd ever really felt included. Like I helped make a difference. And I thought that if I could find missed connections for that family, then maybe I could do the same for you. I don't know, it was stupid, but..."

"Castle." She turned her head, silenced him with a kiss to the cheek. "It wasn't stupid. You just wanted to do what was right. And it took me a while to realize it, but you know I appreciate what you did. Without that, who knows what would have happened. We might never have solved it."

"But look what happened instead." His hand slid beneath the flap of her shirt to rest between her breasts, covering what remained from the bullet that very nearly robbed them of the chance to build a life together.

"We did it, Castle," she said firmly, covering his hand with her own, holding it in place over the puckered skin. "It's over now. And there are probably a thousand 'what if' scenarios, but it's done, and we're safe and we're together and somehow it led us to this, and I couldn't ever regret that."

"But you got shot, Kate."

"And you told me you loved me and I lied and then we fought and almost fell apart, but we made it through and we're stronger for all of that, Rick."

"I know, I just..."

"I know," she murmured, twining her fingers with his and guiding his hand back down to rest against her stomach. "I know.

* * *

><p><em>Anything you'd like to see for season 2? If so, don't be afraid to send ideas my way!<em>


	9. Deep In Death

_Author's Note: One season down, three to go! And, because I haven't said it in a while, thanks to Andy for reading through every single chapter and convincing me that they're good enough to post!_

* * *

><p><strong>Deep in Death<strong>

The day was still young, the sun having warmed the landscape to a very comfortable temperature, and though the letters were becoming more emotional, the conversations deeper, neither had any desire to break the mood.

In the last half hour they'd talked about everything from future children to the scar on her chest, but as they sat here now, curled up together with the journal on Kate's lap, a sense of calm settled over them. She was still snuggled between his legs, his strong biceps embracing her tightly, and on a Friday morning in the Hamptons with the whole day to themselves, there was nowhere either would rather be.

Castle pressed a kiss to the skin behind her ear, felt Kate sigh and melt into him in response. For someone typically so hands-off at the precinct and in public, it always amazed him how touchy-feely she was in the privacy of their home. Not that he was complaining, because he could never-_would_ _never_-complain about anything that involved physical contact with her.

His hand continued to absently trace patterns on her stomach, slipping beneath the waistband of her boxers – his boxers, actually - fingering the small patch of ink on her right hipbone. Not arousing, merely comforting.

She dipped her head, left a lingering kiss on his bicep, tongue peeking out to taste his skin. His breathing stuttered momentarily and Kate smiled against him. There was something so powerful about knowing that a single brush of lips could do _that_ to him, even after all this time.

His left arm dropped to her lap, fingers toying with the well-worn corners of the journal.

"Want to read some more?"

She hummed her agreement and his hand twined with hers as they re-settled the book, looked to the next page. September two-thousand-ten. Their first case back together after their first fight. After all they'd been through since then, that moment in the hospital hallway seemed a lifetime ago.

_Kate,_

_I'm so sorry. I know I already apologized once but I'm doing it again, because you deserve to hear it. I was wrong. I went behind your back without your permission and when you got upset, I stubbornly refused to see things from your point of view._

_I really have Alexis to thank for this letter, actually. She's having boy troubles...long story short, she was supposed to have a date but he didn't show. She came to me wondering why boys always have to justify their actions rather than just apologizing, and that was when it hit me; I'd done the exact same thing as her teenaged-almost-movie-date. I'd convinced myself that there was nothing wrong with my actions, regardless of how you felt._

_Never once did I think to apologize._

_I can see now that I was selfish. I guess sometimes I have to have things spelled out for me. I wanted to help. I wanted to give you the closure you deserve. But I never once stopped to think about your feelings, and for that, I'm truly sorry. It won't happen again._

_I also want to say thank you for letting me come back as your partner, for once again giving me a place at the Twelfth. I've really grown to enjoy being there, not just for research purposes, but because I'm discovering the true meaning of what it is to be a cop, why you all work so hard every day. Your jobs are important, and when I'm with you, I feel like I'm making a difference. I've never felt like that before._

_Oh, and one last thing...thank you for saving my life. In that dress that barely counted as a dress, with sky high heels and a sexy Russian accent. I don't know what I was expecting to happen when that guy dragged me off at gunpoint, but it certainly wasn't that._

_It did, however, make my night much better. It also gave me a whole slew of new ideas for Nikki Heat. Maybe you're more like her than I thought._

_(Don't worry, I have absolutely no problem with that.)_

_-Castle_

"Your job makes a difference too, you know," she murmured when they finished.

"It does?" he asked, intrigued.

"Mmhmm."

His right arm held her tighter. "How?"

"Some people read books for an escape. To disappear into another world where things are different. Better."

"Hmmm."

"You provide that, Castle. Your books do."

He nodded against her, overwhelmed with pride at her words. He had a feeling there was more to this story, had to bite his tongue to stop himself from probing for the whens and whys and hows. Given that she loved to read and that she'd been haunted by her mother's death for most of her adult life, Castle surmised that the two were connected in some way.

But this was Kate and he wasn't going to push her. She'd tell him when she was ready. She always did.

For now, just knowing was enough.

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts? Are you liking the Hamptons scenery or should I switch it up?<em>

_Diana_


	10. The Double Down & Inventing The Girl

_Author's Note: I know I haven't replied to reviews in a while, but know that I appreciate every single one. Thank you all for reading, for your feedback and suggestions, etc. You are wonderful! And thanks to Beetlebug and demuredemeanor for helping me out with this one!_

* * *

><p><strong>The Double Down &amp; Inventing The Girl<strong>

Silence fell as Kate contemplated how far she'd come since the days when Castle's books were the only thing preventing her from being swallowed up by darkness.

Castle, meanwhile, was basking in her admission, in the knowledge that he'd helped her before he even knew of her existence. That...that was why he wrote. It was a creative outlet as well, something he loved doing. But the ability to make a difference in someone's life...that was why he pressed through bouts of writer's block and late night frantic efforts to meet rapidly-approaching deadlines.

Kate turned her head, pressed a kiss to his cheek, hoping that for now that would be sufficient to explain how grateful she was for his words. For him. Words had never been her strong point, but someday soon she would hopefully be able to find the right ones to tell him exactly what his books meant to her.

"You okay?" she murmured eventually, coaxing him back from the faraway look in his eyes.

"Hmmm? Yeah." He turned his head, captured her lips with his own. "Just...yeah."

He settled back in, hands around her middle, chin on her shoulder, and eventually, by unspoken agreement, began reading the next letter.

_Kate,_

_For someone who claimed that the bet was a disturbing idea, you sure were pretty enthusiastic about it. A hundred dollars on us? Really? I only put down fifty._

_I'm glad you were on board, though. If we'd lost, it wouldn't have been pretty. Me in a dress and with a shaved head - it would completely destroy my ruggedly handsome image._

_As for your side of things, I wouldn't mind seeing you in a dress every day for a week. Not at all. But I would be a bit sad to see you with a shaved head; I rather like you with hair (though I'm sure you'd still manage to look good without it)._

_But either way, I'm glad we won. Or the bet was called off. Or whatever it was. We all know that Ryan and Esposito technically lost, even if they refuse to admit it._

_It did make things interesting this week, though. Yes, I know you thought it was terrible and morbid. My mother said the same thing. But you have to admit, it was kind of fun. The thrill of keeping it a secret, of money being on the line._

_Like I told the guys; secrets, murder, and gambling. My three favorite pastimes. We should make a habit of it._

_Next time, though, the stakes should be higher. And losing should involve some type of nudity (not with the guys involved, just you and me). Yeah, I could go for that._

_And I bet if you ever read this letter, you'd be rolling your eyes right now._

_-Castle_

"Really?" Kate asked, disapproval and feigned annoyance and a slight smile tinting her tone of voice.

He shrugged innocently. "Ummm...you like when I'm naked?"

She rolled her eyes, just as he expected. "Pretty sure of yourself, are you?"

He squeezed her hips, fingers tracing inwards. "I think last night proves that you're quite fond of me in the nude."

Castle nipped at her ear, slipped his fingers beneath her boxers once again. "Mmhmm," she managed, fighting to maintain a clear head.

His other hand trailed up her bare stomach, over her ribs, higher and higher, forcing all coherent thoughts to the back of her mind. "And I think that even way back then, you wouldn't have minded all that much."

"Probably not," she admitted before her brain caught up with her mouth.

"Ha! I knew it!" he exclaimed triumphantly.

"What? I...no. I meant...Castle!" she gasped as his lips closed around her earlobe, teeth nipping at her skin, tongue following behind, warm and soothing.

"Problem?" he asked smugly, hands exploring with abandon, lower, higher, everywhere at once. God, even after two years he still had the ability to make her lose control in under a minute.

"Don't stop," she panted, tilting her head back to meld their lips together, all tongues and teeth and _so hot._

He trailed a line of kisses across her jaw, down her neck, licking and sucking at her skin and driving her absolutely crazy.

"Inside," she managed as they stumbled to their feet, tripped their way into the house.

* * *

><p>Later that morning as she lay warm and sated and wrapped up in his arms, she couldn't help but wonder how they'd even managed to make it to the bed.<p>

* * *

><p>The journal spent most of the day on the deck while Castle and Kate spent the morning and afternoon in their bedroom, alternating between ravishing each other and drifting to sleep tangled up together.<p>

Not until the need for food overwhelmed their need for each other did they make their way out of bed and down to the kitchen, still minimally clad. But Kate couldn't find it in herself to complain, not when she had an unobstructed view of his naked torso, the muscles of his back, his biceps, as he moved around the kitchen, scrambling eggs and frying bacon and brewing coffee.

After a deliciously filling brunch and a shower that turned into much more than just a shower, they made their way out to the beach to enjoy the late afternoon sunshine.

Kate was wearing a dark blue bikini that covered enough to be decent but revealed enough for her to know that Castle's eyes probably wouldn't leave her body all day. He was clad just in swim trunks. Low-slung swim trunks.

She could see the faint impression of teeth marks on his shoulder and was almost positive there was a love bite on the inside of her thigh. Thank goodness their families wouldn't be here for another day and a half.

It was a bit early in the year to actually venture into the water, so they grabbed beach towels on the way out the door, intending to simply relax in the sand. Unbeknownst to Castle, Kate squatted down to retrieve the journal as they crossed the porch, securing it in her folded towel until they were settled on the beach.

He wasted no time in snuggling up to her, shoulder to shoulder, nose buried in her hair. She smiled, relaxed into him, and flipped open the notebook.

"You're really into this, aren't you?" he murmured in awe, loving the way she'd embraced his words, their story. It was one thing to know she loved his books, but it was another entirely to bear witness to her reading his words.

She nodded. "I'm learning all these things about you that I never knew. And I like that."

He kissed her cheek, leaned his temple against hers. Truth be told, he was learning just as much about her as she was him, and with everything she revealed he only fell more and more in love with her. It had almost become addicting now, the knowledge. And he wanted to know _everything_.

His eyes fell to the page then, traced the outline of his own words from so long ago.

_Kate,_

_Were you ever a model? You could have been, that's for sure. You're tall, you're hot, your legs are a mile long, and you can chase suspects in four-inch heels. You'd probably be really good at it._

_Somehow I don't see you living that lifestyle, though. You don't seem like the diva type. And I'm actually starting to really respect that about you._

_It's no secret that I like fun and wild. And I have a feeling you were a bit like that once, too. You could easily have followed that path and been rich and living that life. But I respect that you didn't take the easy way out. I know there were other factors involved, but you could have tried to push things aside and distance yourself from what happened by pursuing something that had nothing to do with death and murder and justice._

_Instead, you took your drive and passion and your love for your mother and put it into being a detective. A damn good detective. And that's very respectable._

_I always thought that models had all the fun, you know? A lot of money without a lot of talent. But after this case, seeing what happened and the way people are treated in the industry...it's much different than I realized. I wouldn't want anything to do with it and I can see why you wouldn't either._

_A murder in the modeling industry would make for a good story line, however. I'd call it "Fashion to Die For," like the blurb I made up earlier this week. It's a bestseller waiting to happen. It almost doesn't seem right, though, to turn this case into a book. Two young people, completely in love but destroyed by a lack of communication and honesty. A best friend who drugs her instead of looking out for her, and a husband who's jealous of something that never happened and too angry to just confront her and listen to her side of the story. It's so tragic._

_I know that being a cop is very different from the modeling world, but all the same, this last case has made me appreciate the camaraderie and support system at the precinct. It's comforting, knowing that you can trust your coworkers and that no matter what situation you get into, someone has your back._

_And I know I'm not a cop and you don't really even like me hanging around, but I want you to know that I have your back, Kate. I may not have any formal training, but I'll do whatever I can to help you out and keep you safe._

_Everyone should have someone looking out for them._

_-Castle_

She smiled, turned to press a kiss to his shoulder, nose brushing his ear. "Thanks, Castle."

He shrugged. "That's what partners are for, right?"

"But this was a long time ago."

"But you...you saved me too, Kate. Even back then."

"I know, but..." _that was different,_ she was planning to say. Except not really. They'd saved each other. They had since day one, in so many ways.

"Hey," he interrupted firmly. "Partners. That's what we do."

Kate turned her head, kissed him hard.

"Partners."

* * *

><p>"Hey, Castle," Kate murmured some time later. They were sprawled out together in the sunshine, limbs tangled, journal set off to the side. Her face was buried in his neck, his in her hair, as they teetered on the brink of sleep.<p>

"Hmmm?"

"I actually was a model once."

His head shot up, nearly smacking her in the forehead with his chin. "Seriously?"

She lifted her head, smiled at his excitement. "In high school. It was a summer job."

He rolled onto one side, propped himself up on one elbow. "How have I never seen these pictures?"

Kate shrugged nonchalantly. "How do you know I have any?"

"Says the woman who has seven huge photo albums in our room."

She smacked his chest. "Castle."

He grinned, rested one hand on the bare skin of her side, stroking softly. "Seriously, can I see them sometime?"

"Maybe."

"Ka-ate," he whined.

"I'm sorry, whiny little boys definitely don't get to see them," she teased.

Before she could react he caught her around the waist, rolled them over so he was on top of her, pressing her into the ground.

"Little boy? I think I've proven to you, Detective, that I'm most certainly _not_ a little boy."

Oh, she was quite aware of that. She could feel the evidence eagerly pressing into her thigh. But she couldn't help but take advantage of the opportunity to give him a hard time.

"Yeah?"

He caught her wrists, pinned them over her head with one hand, his other hand working the tie of her bikini top while he devoured her lips in a hot and passionate kiss.

"Yeah."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	11. Fool Me Once & When The Bough Breaks

_Author's Note: For Scully223, who gave me a whole bunch of suggestions for the second letter. I know you were looking forward to this one!_

* * *

><p><strong>Fool Me Once &amp; When The Bough Breaks<strong>

In retrospect, beach sex hadn't been the best of ideas. Despite the presence of beach towels, Kate now had sand in places in which it was definitely unwelcome, and it was far too early in the year to go for a swim to rinse it off.

"Shower," she panted once she caught her breath enough to speak. She was still pinned beneath Castle, his larger body sprawled out over the top of hers, face buried in her neck. His hot breath washing over her skin was doing nothing to calm her already racing heart.

After a couple more minutes, he finally rolled off of her, sat up, brushing sand from his body.

"I think I have sand in my belly button."

Kate laughed, swatted at his arm as she lifted herself into a seated position. "If that's the worse place it's hiding, consider yourself lucky."

He reached out to trace the crease of her thigh, brushing away some of the fine grains with his finger. "Yeah, you're probably right."

"Shower," she repeated, forcing her wobbly legs to support her.

She wadded up their bathing suits and towels while he collected the journal and they made their way inside, leaving footprints and a light trail of sand behind them.

In the bathroom, they quickly rinsed off in the shower, but before Kate had a chance to soap up, Castle guided her out of the stall and into his Jacuzzi, turning the jets on full blast. After the amount of physical activity in the last day, he figured they both could use a relaxing soak.

Once the tub was full, he sat down against the jets, pulled Kate into the vee of his legs. She melted into him, allowed him to wrap her in his arms.

She rested her head against his, gazed lazily around the room. Their sandy beach apparel was lying haphazardly on the floor and Castle had set the journal on the counter by the sink, easily within reach.

Hmmm.

Reading it together while in the tub...well, that brought to mind a whole new set of mental images.

Kate slipped her hands from beneath the water, wiped them on the towel that hung from the wall between the Jacuzzi and the sink. She pulled the journal from the counter, felt Castle nod and press a kiss to her neck in agreement.

He too dried his hands, laced their fingers together, and flipped open the journal.

_Kate,_

_You're such a liar. Claiming you don't like con movies. Telling me you hadn't started the book. Trying to convince me that your date last night was with _Heat Wave.

_Though now that I think about it, I haven't seen a guy hanging around here since Sorenson, and you haven't mentioned anyone, so maybe you really weren't out on a date. Maybe you were at home with a glass of wine, reading page 105 for the hundredth time._

_You were, weren't you?_

_What did you think of it? Care to recreate the scene in real life? I have tequila and I'm sure there are limes somewhere in this house. I definitely have a bed. A large, comfortable bed. And you'd have the real life, much more handsome version of Jameson Rook beneath your hands._

_It would be so much more fun than just reading about it in the bath. Or I could join you in the tub, read it to you. We could start there, with wine and my book, see where the night leads. I have a feeling that would take your ability to inspire me to a whole new level._

_(In case you're wondering, I have absolutely no objections to that.)_

_-Castle_

Kate smiled to herself, already anticipating where this conversation was going to end up.

"Castle."

"Yeah?"

She turned her head, kissed his cheek. "I _was_ reading your book that night. With wine. And candles. In my bathtub."

"You were serious?" he exclaimed, dropping one hand beneath the surface to wrap around her stomach, hold her naked body against his.

She laughed, powerless against the way her body arched into his touch. "Yep."

He pressed a warm, open-mouthed kiss to her neck, felt her shudder against him.

"Care to...recreate that evening? With me reading to you?"

Heat shot through her veins at the thought of his voice in her ear, low and sexy, reading his own words aloud while they soaked in his Jacuzzi in the Hamptons.

How could she ever say no to that?

She tilted her chin, met his lips in an affirmative kiss. "Sure."

Castle cleared his throat, began to read in her ear, voice deep and sensual.

_Kate,_

_You looked amazing last night. I know you don't like the publicity, but you nailed it...the red carpet, the sexy dress. You're a natural. And you looked amazing._

_I have to admit, I'm so glad my Nikki Heat contract was renewed. We may have had a petty argument about it yesterday, and I was incredibly honored to be offered the chance to write he-who-must-not-be-named. But I'm not ready to let Nikki go just yet. Ah, who am I kidding? I'm not ready to let you go either._

_My agent told me last night that I should just sleep with you and get you out of my system, but it doesn't work that way. You're not something to be 'gotten out of my system.' At some point, you might have been. But now that I've gotten to know you and work with you, I know that you're more than that. You're amazing and inspiring, and you and the guys are probably the closest friends I've had in a long time. That's not something I'd just walk away from._

_And given that my limbs and nose and ears are still intact, I think that you don't find me as annoying as you pretend to, and that you don't really mind that I'll be writing more of Nikki. I think you're secretly flattered._

_I also think you secretly really liked the dedication._

_I meant it, you know. Every word. I've said it before and I'll say it again; you're extraordinary. You're tough and confident and sexy. You're an amazing detective, the way you fight for justice yet empathize with the victims. You've taken what's happened to you in the past and used it to drive you to help make New York City a safer place._

_I know I've said this all before, but it's very honorable, what you do, and I don't think you get the recognition you deserve. So now you have the dedication. Now the world can know how incredible you are._

_Plus, it only seemed right to dedicate the book to my inspiration. Without you, Nikki Heat wouldn't exist. Consider it a thank you for letting me follow you around and poke my nose into your life._

_You should know that I've enjoyed every minute of it._

_-Castle_

As he finished reading, Kate became aware of the fact that there was a huge smile on her face, pure love radiating from her eyes. But he'd just read to her, called her extraordinary and inspiring, and he was talking about his books and the dedications and...

At the time, one book dedication had been completely overwhelming. Now, that number had grown to four, soon to be five, each one reflecting their journey, their places in each other's lives. She knew every word from memory; they were words that she'd come to carry very close to her heart.

From _Frozen Heat_;_ To all the remarkable, maddening, challenging, frustrating people who inspire us to do great things._

And from _Deadly Heat, _released just over a year after they started dating; _To Kate - may the dance never end and the music never stop._

He claimed he had the dedication worked out for the next book, too. _Heat of the Moment _was slated to be released in the fall, but so far no interrogation technique she'd employed had successfully gotten him to share.

"You okay?" Castle asked softly, leaning forward, regarding her glowing profile with curious yet reverent eyes.

She set the journal back on the counter, turned in his arms so she was straddling his thighs. "Yeah."

"Is it too much?" he asked, noticing the moisture collecting in her eyes.

"Then? I was overwhelmed," she admitted with a smile. "I mean, half the time I wanted you around but half the time I wanted to smack you. And you dedicated an entire book to me."

"But now?"

Kate kissed him hard, laced her fingers behind his neck, pulled him closer.

"Now, it's just enough."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	12. Vampire Weekend

_Author's Note: Thanks to Beetlebug and Scully223 and Mark C and everyone else who shared their suggestions for this chapter. You guys had so many wonderful ideas and unfortunately I wasn't able to include everything, but I think I squeezed most of it in there! Your ideas were very much appreciated._

* * *

><p><strong>Vampire Weekend<strong>

As much as Kate had reveled in the events of the last thirty-six hours, in reading the journal here, away from the distractions of family and friends and the city and work, Alexis and Martha and her father had arrived this morning, and that unfortunately meant that she and Castle needed to be dressed and behaving as hosts for the remainder of the weekend rather than hanging around naked all day, alternating between reading and talking and sleeping and ravishing each other.

It was lovely, having everyone there with them. It really was. After the initial bumps in the road, Jim, Martha, and Alexis now got on splendidly, and while it was unorthodox, they were very much their own little family. It'd been a few months since their last gathering, and everyone was very much enjoying the opportunity to catch up, to soak up the sunshine and ring in the summer.

As expected, the rest of the weekend was filled to the brim with activity - exploring, beach volleyball, enjoying the sunshine, and a lot of good food and good company. It was a fun and relaxing couple of days, and a very welcome vacation, especially for Martha, who'd been incredibly busy with work, and Alexis, who'd just recently returned home from her second year of college.

With everyone around, though, Kate and Castle didn't have much time to themselves, only what they could manage after the others headed off to bed. They hadn't read any more since Friday, but they'd be headed back to the city tomorrow and Kate wanted to read at least one more journal entry here, in the peaceful atmosphere of the Hamptons. Once they were back in Manhattan, back to work, there was no telling when they'd next have any extended amount of free time.

She grabbed the journal from the nightstand as she slipped beneath the covers for the last night of their getaway, snuggled up to Castle. He was propped against the headboard with his laptop making final edits on his next chapter, but he set his computer aside when Kate joined him, opened his arms to her. She folded herself into his embrace, curling up against side.

"One more?" he asked softly, silently following her train of thought, like always.

She nodded, smiled, tilted her chin to press a kiss to his jaw.

"One more."

_Kate,_

_You know, for someone who spent all week pretending not to be all that into Halloween, you sure looked like you were having fun watching me be attacked by a guy who thought he was a vampire. You get far too much enjoyment out of watching me get scared, don't you? Next time, I just might have to enact some sort of revenge. I'll have you know that I'm the master of such plots._

_By the way, thanks for saving me before he had a chance to completely devour me or turn me into a vampire. After visiting that coven I think I'd rather stick with writing and shadowing you._

_I like being at the Twelfth, helping uncover the mysteries, even when the answers are incredibly depressing. This case was like that for me. I just - I can't imagine killing someone at all, let alone family. I can't imagine harming a child. It's awful and horrifying and just plain heinous that someone would do that. Hell, I couldn't even bring myself to harm Alexis's baby egg._

_I know that's why you're a cop...so you can take people like this off the streets and find justice for the affected families. I just wish that there could have been a happier ending for that family. I guess that's why I'm a novelist and not a real cop._

_On a happier note, I'm glad you showed up at my Halloween party. I was starting to think you wouldn't be there. And I have to admit, your costume was pretty good. You actually, maybe, kind of, almost scared me (though if you tell anyone that, I'll deny it)._

_However, I think you missed the point of dressing up - you were wearing far too much clothing. Halloween is supposed to be a time for skimpy outfits and high heels. You could have been a bunny or a nurse or a sailor or a cop. The kind that wears a much more revealing uniform._

_That's now my goal for next year; convince you to have some fun with your choice of Halloween costume. The more skin, the better._

_Oooh, I know - maybe you can be a vampire. You'd be much better at it than Morlock, and a lot better looking, too. A tight black dress, fangs, fake blood painted on your skin. You can bite me any time (and I won't even make you buy me dinner first)._

_And after the party, I'd be more than happy to help you wash off the fake blood._

_-Castle_

Oh, now that brought back memories. He'd yet to convince her to dress up as a vampire, but the costumes shed chosen instead had more than made up for that.

Their first Halloween together had been a fantastic success, though not entirely a result of Kate's costume. Castle had whined and begged and pleaded in an attempt to convince her to wear a sexy nurse outfit to his Halloween party; she'd vehemently ignored his protests, instead arriving dressed as a female rendition of a pirate.

She'd donned a black and white off-the shoulder dress with a tattered hemline that flowed down around her thighs...far too long for Castle's liking, a point which he'd made abundantly clear. The sleeves were loose and flowing, the bodice low-cut and corseted up the front. Various other red adornments decorated the fabric, adding a splash of color.

She wore tall black boots and a bandana, eyes lined darkly, and hair falling around her shoulders in waves. In short, she looked amazing. And sexy.

And yet she'd still caught Castle mock-pouting over the fact that she'd refused to parade around his Halloween party in a midriff-baring nurse outfit.

However, once the party ended and he caught a glimpse of what she was wearing _under_ her costume, every complaint vanished.

She may have dressed as a pirate for the party, but in his bedroom, illuminated by just the soft glow of a lamp, she'd dressed up specifically for _him,_ clad in red lingerie that was orders of magnitude sexier than any slutty nurse costume could ever be.

"You didn't bring that outfit, did you?" he asked suddenly, voice laced with arousal, clearly having just replayed the same memory as her.

"What outfit?" Kate asked innocently, looking up at him through dark eyelashes. It'd been a last minute decision to throw in something sexy, and a total coincidence that that particular outfit was on the top of the pile. But he didn't need to know that. Watching him squirm was just so much more fun.

Castle pulled her up and over to straddle his thighs, hands spanning her waist, eyes darkening. "You know exactly what outfit."

She smiled demurely, flicked her eyes briefly over to her suitcase, then back to his. "And what if I did?"

He groaned, pulled her in for a hot kiss.

"Go put it on. And then come back here so I can tear it off of you with my teeth."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	13. Famous Last Words

_Author's Note: This turned out nothing like I had planned. It's also twice as long as I expected. But I like it._

* * *

><p><strong>Famous Last Words<strong>

As expected, the days immediately following their return from the Hamptons were incredibly busy. Something about the beginning of the summer season – maybe it was the heat or the humidity - always seemed to bring out the murderers in increasing numbers, and the team at the Twelfth managed to catch three cases in a row. None were excessively challenging or convoluted, but a long string of late nights made for an exhausted group of detectives by the time all three cases were wrapped up.

Once the paperwork was submitted, Gates gave all of them two days off to recuperate, shooing them out of the precinct with a flap of her hands. Castle and Kate had barely made it to their bed before collapsing into a deep sleep, dead to the world for nearly twelve hours.

When Castle finally blinked his eyes open the next day, Kate was sprawled next to him, propped up on her elbows, re-reading some of the journal entries.

"Morning," he yawned, rolling to his stomach and cozying up to her.

She tilted her head, smiled. "Hey there, sleepyhead."

He leaned his temple against hers, hummed softly, happily. "Haven't we already read that one?"

Kate forced her eyes back to the page, having been temporarily distracted with thoughts of her bed partner and the possible ways they could spend their two days off.

"Mmmm, yeah. Just waiting for you to wake up."

"You waited for me?"

"We usually read them together," she pointed out.

"I know, I just..." he trailed off, kissed her cheek. "Thank you."

She smiled, flipped forward to the next unread entry.

_Kate,_

_You never fail to amaze me. The way you comforted Alexis these last few days, the way you listened to her ideas and took her seriously and allowed her to help with the case. The fact that you came to the concert with us tonight. That was so nice, and so far beyond what anyone would have expected. So thank you. I really appreciated it, and I know Alexis did too. It was really sweet of you._

_I was kind of at a loss as to what to do with that situation; I'm not really up to date on Alexis's taste in music and I had no idea it would hit her as hard as it did. I tried, but I don't think I made things any better. So thank you, for understanding, for being there for her, for being a better support system than I was this last week._

_I owe you one._

_-Castle_

The letter was short and to the point, but it was enough to bring back memories of that case. It wasn't the first time Kate had interacted with Alexis, but their other conversations had been rather short and under much different circumstances.

By this point, though, that all seemed so far in the past, and so much simpler than everything else the two had been through. Kate thought back to the early stages of her relationship with Castle, the battles she'd to fight to smooth things over with his daughter. Things had been rocky at first, and given that she and Castle hadn't been on the best terms prior to the beginning of their relationship, Kate could understand the girl's qualms.

Alexis was never rude to her, per se. They spoke...how are yous and how was school...but there hadn't been any deep feelings behind it. Months passed before Alexis even really reacted to their relationship, more caught up in her new life in college than her father's newest girlfriend. For the most part, she stayed out of the way, focused on school and friends and the new things she was experiencing on an almost daily basis. Not until Alexis was home for the holidays did she and Kate really have an in-depth conversation of any sort.

_Kate arrived at the loft alone one early January evening, using the key Castle had pressed into her palm that afternoon, telling her to let herself in when she got off work, that he would be home after his meeting. Alexis was curled up on the sofa reading and looked up but didn't speak when the Detective entered._

_But Castle wouldn't be home for another hour and if it was just going to be the two of them, the detective planned to take advantage of the situation. Christmas Eve dinner, while beautiful and delicious, had been a slightly awkward affair, thanks in no small part to Castle very nearly leaving his family behind. Kate showing up at the last moment had at least meant that Alexis was able to have dinner with her father, as per tradition. Yet Kate had been able to tell that the girl remained less than pleased with the way everything had played out._

_And it may not matter now, because she was headed back to school soon and she and Kate never interacted all that much anyway. But eventually, if she wasn't able to reach an understanding with Alexis, Kate knew that she and Castle would never stand a chance of succeeding._

_The detective slipped off her heels, stowed her badge and gun, joined the girl on the couch. "Hey, Alexis."_

_She finally looked up. "Hi."_

_"Whatcha reading?"_

_The redhead looked less than thrilled to be having any sort of conversation, but answered nonetheless. "Crime and Punishment. I'm supposed to have it finished by the time I go back."_

_"Ah yes, Christmas break homework."_

_Alexis regarded the detective curiously, as though questioning her motive, before finally relaxing slightly, answering her obvious desire to have a conversation. "Dad says you went to Stanford?"_

_"For a year," Kate replied._

_"Why'd you leave?"_

_Oh. Well, this wasn't exactly the conversation she'd been planning to have. But it wouldn'__t do to withhold information, not if she ever wanted to smooth things over with the girl._

_"My mom," Kate answered softly._

_Alexis set the book aside, didn't quite meet her eyes as she offered a hasty apology. "I'm sorry. I didn't know." _

"_No, it's okay," Kate assured her. "You deserve to know these things about me."_

_"What...what happened?" Alexis asked after an awkward gap._

_Kate paused, debating how best to tell the story before deciding to just start at the beginning. "I thought I could do it...be so far from home still. For a while, I thought the space would make it easier. But after a semester away I just...it was too much. My dad started drinking. For five years, he couldn't - wouldn't - stop. And I knew that I had to be closer to home so I could help him."_

_"Did you still go to school?"_

_"I finished up at NYU, graduated a year early."_

"_What did you study?"_

"_I was pre-law, just like at Stanford." Kate smiled softly at the memory._ "_I wanted to be a lawyer, just like my mom."_

_"What changed?" Alexis wondered curiously._

_"I don't know how much your dad has told you about the case," Kate began, "but by that point, the cops had closed it. They'd blamed it on random gang violence and just left it at that. I thought they just couldn't figure it out, you know? I assumed someone had missed something...something that maybe I could find._

_"So you joined the Academy."_

_"So I joined the Academy," she confirmed with a nod. "That way I could fight for justice like my mom had, help other people like me, but I could also find justice for her. And by the time I graduated from the Academy, it'd become almost a compulsion. I had to solve it."_

_"But you couldn't?"_

_Kate sighed heavily. "I was drowning. I wasn't sleeping well, I was so far into the case that I lost track of myself. My Dad was still drinking and it was just too much. My captain gave me an ultimatum; I had to either give up the case or my job. So I put it away and went to therapy."_

_She hesitated. Her goal was to smooth things over with Alexis, and sharing her dark past probably wasn't winning her any points. But if Alexis wanted to know...maybe somehow this would all work out if Alexis realized that Kate had no secrets, that she could ask her anything. _

_"And then Dad opened it up again."_

_"Yeah." Kate sighed. "It took me a long time to not be upset with him for that."_

_"He only did it because he cares," Alexis protested, tone immediately hardening in defense of her father._

_"I know," Kate placated. "I understand that now. And without your father, I probably never would have solved that case, and I certainly wouldn't be alive right now."_

_"He saved you." It was slightly accusatory, though in Alexis's defense, she did a decent job of suppressing it._

_"In so many ways," Kate answered truthfully._

"_That's not what I meant."_

"_I know, I..."_

_"He tried to take a bullet for you, Detective."_

_Ah. Now they were getting somewhere, drilling down to the bedrock of the issues._

_"I know," Kate replied calmly, careful to maintain her cool. "And believe me, your Dad and I have had many arguments about that."_

_"He...he would die for you."_

_"I know," Kate said again. "And that terrifies me."_

_"Me too," the redhead admitted, her mask fading from stoic to vulnerable, a teenager who's protective of her father._

_Silence fell as Kate chose her words carefully, ensuring that her feelings would come across clearly. "Alexis, if you want him to stop shadowing me, I know that he would."_

_"But you want him there."_

_"I do," Kate admitted. "He's my partner, the best partner I could ever ask for. But first and foremost, he's your father, and I'm not here to get in the way of that. That will always take priority."_

_Alexis sighed. "But he's happy when he's with you. And he likes what he does, which I understand. I feel the same when I work with Dr. Parish."_

_"It's an important job," Kate agreed. "And having him there makes me happy, too."_

_"I don't want to take that away from him."_

_"I understand that."_

_"But I don't want to lose him."_

_"Alexis," Kate reached out, took her hands. "I promise you, I'll do everything in my power to bring him home safely every night."_

_"But what if that's not enough?"_

_She sighed, dropped one hand to run it through her hair. "I...I can't promise he'll never get hurt," she began honestly. "He could get hit by a car, he could end up in the wrong place at the wrong time and end up in the hospital. I'm not...saying that'll happen," Kate added at Alexis's horrified look. "I'm just saying that anything can happen and I can't promise that something won't. But if there's anything I can do – absolutely anything - to keep him safe, I will. I would..." her voice broke, "I would die for him too, Alexis."_

_The girl's features softened drastically. "You really care about my dad, don't you?"_

_Kate squeezed the hand that was still joined with the teen's. "So much, Alexis."_

_She nodded. "I just don't want to see him get hurt."_

_"I promise, Alexis. I'll do everything I can."_

_That seemed to strike a chord of truth with Alexis, and though it was weak, she finally offered a smile. "Okay."_

_Kate smiled back, the tension lifting, and they fell into comfortable silence._

_After a while she stood, offered a hand to Alexis. "Now, I promised your dad I'd have dinner for him when he got home. Want to help me make my mom's delicious chicken Alfredo?"_

_Alexis took the proffered hand, allowed Kate to pull her to her feet. "Lead the way."_

_As they cooked, the conversation became much less stilted, more natural, as they broached topics from boys to college. And by the time Castle arrived and they all sat down, it was the least awkward dinner since Kate had unofficially joined the family._

_Maybe there was hope after all._

By the time Alexis headed back to college at the end of winter break, she and Kate were on good terms, and Alexis even called her a couple times throughout the semester for advice.

Now, almost two years later, their relationship was more reminiscent of that of two friends than future step-mother/step-daughter, but it was still going strong. Alexis now came to her with everything from boy issues to questions about Russian literature. Their arrangement was unorthodox, but it worked. And though it wasn't something Kate often voiced aloud, she loved Alexis as much as she loved Castle.

"You're so good for her, Kate," Castle said softly, pulling her from the memory.

She shrugged. "It's not like I do that much."

"But you do. She's never had a strong female role model in her life. And her mom...well, you've met Meredith. She's never been much of a mother."

Kate chuckled softly. "You did an amazing job with her."

"I'm not sure how," he teased, only half-jokingly.

She reached up to cup his jaw, forced him to meet her eyes. "Rick, you don't give yourself enough credit. You're a wonderful father."

He dipped his head, caught her lips in a kiss. "And someday, some little kid is gonna be so damn lucky to have you as their mother."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts? Do you guys like that I included Alexis, or should I keep it Castle and Beckett only?<em>


	14. Kill The Messenger & Love Me Dead

_Author's Note: Holy smokes, you guys! Over 400 reviews? You all are AWESOME! To those of you who reviewed on anon, I couldn't thank you personally, but know that I read every review and really appreciate your input._

* * *

><p><strong>Kill The Messenger &amp; Love Me Dead<strong>

Once Kate stopped reeling from his words, from their implications, she found the courage to meet his eyes, completely unsure of what she might find there. She was met with hope and excitement, of course, but both were tamped down by his I-just-put-my-foot-in-my-mouth expression.

True, they'd talked kids before, but in more of a 'someday' scenario. And they'd been in the Hamptons when it happened, which always made things feel more surreal somehow.

But now that he'd said it _that_ way, so definite, and so proud of her even though it hadn't even happened yet...now it was real. And a bit overwhelming. She was going to be a parent someday. They were. Together.

Wow.

"You okay?" Castle asked softly, and she started guiltily, realizing that she'd been mutely staring at him with wide eyes, mouth hanging open.

She smiled softly, hoping it looked less forced than it felt. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm good."

They were going to be parents someday. And beneath the initial waves of barely suppressed panic, there was a warm feeling embracing her. Happiness. She _should_ be smiling right now.

"You sure?"

She pressed her lips to the tip of his nose, smiled in earnest this time. "Yeah."

"Okay."

Silence fell, and Castle fiddled with the corner of the page, feeling the paper bend slightly with every pass of his fingers. Kate followed the absent-minded motions with her eyes, allowed herself to be sucked back into his letters, his story. Their story. She could ponder the whens and how manys and who-will-they-look-likes of their future children later.

Right now it was just the two of them and his words. And those had always held the power to make everything else fade away.

_Kate,_

_It's amazing, what people will do for their families. Confessing to a crime you didn't commit and going to prison for life, for instance. It's crazy, on the face of it. But I guess no one ever said love was sane. People have killed for love, so going to prison certainly pales in comparison to that._

_It makes me wonder, though, if I've done enough for Alexis. I've done my fair share of crazy things. Setting things on fire, stealing police horses, learning to juggle chainsaws. But those were all for me, for my own entertainment. None were for Alexis. Maybe that makes me a bad person, a bad father. Maybe I was too young and reckless to have a kid. Ah, hell, who am I kidding? Of course I was too young. But I didn't really have a choice (and looking back, I don't regret a single moment I've had with Alexis), so what could I do?_

_But back to my point, which is that even in the midst of murder and poor decisions, it's nice to see situations where a father's love shines through so strongly. It renews my faith in the human race, which is good because it's hard to stay optimistic when you spend your days surrounded by killers. I guess now I see why you're so practical and matter-of-fact. Because it's what you're exposed to day in and day out._

_I hope you know, though, that good people exist. People care and people love and not everyone is out to get someone else._

_You're one of those people, Kate. I can only hope that I am, too._

_I've clearly done some less than stellar things. I've been divorced twice, been in trouble with the law, slept with a lot of women. So what does that make me?_

_I want to believe that it's possible to overlook those things when people judge me. Alexis says I'm a good father. My mother does too, even though she occasionally has to kick me in the ass. I get letters from fans telling me how my books helped them through difficult times. And I'd like to think I'm helpful at the Twelfth, too. An asset of some sort._

__I may not have made the best decisions in the past, but I'm not a bad person. At least, I like to think I'm not. I'd do anything for my mother or Alexis. Absolutely anything. _Those are good things, right? They make up for everything else?_

_Well, now I'm completely confused and conflicted. Usually writing helps me sort out my feelings. Right now, it's just making things worse. It's times like these that I wonder how I can ever manage to write novels that are comprehensible._

_Maybe it's time for me to stop thinking and go to bed, where I can at least dream of being a better man._

_Until tomorrow, Detective._

_-Castle_

"You're a good person, Castle," Kate said softly, setting the journal aside and turning to face him. "Don't ever doubt that."

"Even with all the questionable choices I've made?" He looked so serious, like so much was riding on her answer, and it twisted her heart.

She reached out, smoothed away the worry lines between his eyes with her thumb. "We all make bad decisions."

"But I've made a lot of them," he confessed guiltily. "Doesn't that say something negative about my character? I mean, look at everything I've done..."

Kate burst out laughing, couldn't help it from bubbling over. It shouldn't be funny, not with how concerned he was, and her timing was absolutely awful. But the layers of irony here were just too much.

"Everything _you've_ done? What about me?" she practically guffawed. "I was the wild child of Stuyvesant High."

"And I was just known as the kid who got kicked out of multiple schools." Where once there was pride in that label, now there was only shame, disappointment in himself.

"Would it make you feel better if I told you that if I'd ever gotten caught, I'd have been kicked out multiple times over?" she asked, an attempt to assuage his remorse.

"Katherine Beckett," Castle exclaimed, raising his eyebrow in that sexy way that only he could manage, all seriousness fading from the conversation. "I knew you had a wild phase, but I didn't think you were _that_ crazy."

She smiled mischievously. "I have a feeling our teenaged selves would have gotten along a little too well."

"Oh yeah? Care to share any stories that might prove that?"

"Such as?"

He fixed her with a hopeful expression, eyes sparkling with mirth. "Craziest thing you ever got away with."

Oh, she had so many stories for that, and there was no way she could narrow it down to just one. Then again, this was Richard Castle, and he surely had at least two stories to match every one of hers.

Well, now this could be fun.

Kate propped herself up on one elbow, grinned provocatively. "I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours."

* * *

><p>As it happened, they ended up sharing a <em>lot <em>more than stories over the next couple of hours.

In fact, in her current state, Kate was unable to remember half of what was said, not when her head was spinning and her mind was completely imbued with Castle and his scent and his touch and his voice and the way it felt when he surrounded her completely.

The journal was still somewhere on the bed, probably buried in the pillows, long forgotten. Only when Kate regained enough body awareness to curl up to Castle did she locate the book. She shifted, lifted up on one elbow to retrieve it, rolled away from him intending to place it on the nightstand. Instead, he caught her around the waist, pulled her back.

"Leave it out," he mumbled, voice still heavy with recently quenched arousal. In fact, given the sluggish way he blinked his eyes when Kate turned to face him, she was surprised he managed to catch her so quickly.

"Hmmm?" she questioned lazily, reflexes still slowed.

"Leave it out. I wanna read more."

"What if I don't want to?" she teased. It was Sunday morning and she had nowhere to be and she wanted nothing more than to spend all day cuddled up in bed with him. But the part of her that loved to watch him fumble his words couldn't help but give him a hard time.

"I...well..." he blundered, just as she expected. "I mean, if you don't want to..."

Kate silenced him with a kiss, smiling against him, and he nipped playfully at her bottom lip once he caught on to her ploy.

"Evil, evil woman."

Kate just smirked. Castle grinned back, pulled her in for another kiss before settling down next to her and placing the journal in front of them, opening to the next letter.

_Kate,_

_You're probably at home laughing at me right now for being played. For believing Scarlett through the whole case even though everything she said was a lie. It's embarrassing that I was so gullible._

_And if you're not laughing about that, you're probably getting a kick out of the fact that I was freaking out about Alexis's 'secret.' Because I know now that it wasn't a big thing, just like you said. But it could have been. Someday if you have kids, you'll understand why I was in a bit of a panic._

_Regardless, I want to thank you for the advice you gave her, and also for taking the time to do so. You're a good role model for her, and I like that she can come to you for advice. She's never really had a person like that. I mean, my mother is...well, you've met her. Not to mention the fact that she's not exactly close enough to Alexis's age to give her helpful advice (Please don't tell her that I essentially just called her old). And Meredith has never been one to give advice worth listening to. I'm sure that surprises you._

_So that's where you come in. Because you listen and you're smart and sensible. And I trust you, because from what I know of you, you're not the type to sugarcoat things. You're honest and to the point, and you think things through, and I know that no matter what you tell her, it's probably better than whatever I would say._

_What I'm trying to say is that I couldn't think of a better person for Alexis to confide in._

_So thank you, for being there for her._

_-Castle_

"It's still strange."

"What is?"

"Having a boyfriend with a twenty year old daughter. I mean, I'm logistically barely old enough to be her mother, and I certainly don't feel like one." Kate chuckled. "I guess it's good that I've never needed to act like one. But still. It's strange."

Castle sighed contemplatively. "You know, as much as I like the thought of Alexis having someone like you for a mother, I like how things are now."

Kate cocked her head. "How so?"

"Because you're a cop and she sees you as an authority figure, but you're also a friend to her. A mature friend she can count on and trust. You won't steal her boyfriend or cause drama or..."

"You'd think I'd steal my partner's daughter's boyfriend?" she interrupted with a laugh.

He snorted at the ridiculousness of the thought but sobered again quickly. "My _point_ is that she trusts you and confides in you. I admit, I wish it was me she was talking to, but if there's someone else who's going to know her secrets instead, I'm glad it's you."

"I never thought about it that way. I just..." Kate trailed off. "I did what I could and hoped it would turn out okay."

"You did more than that. You did more than anyone else would have."

Castle kissed her then, set the journal aside and wrapped her in his arms before she had a chance to deny it, to claim that she'd done no more than what the average person would've. Because the fact was that she regularly went so far above and beyond with Alexis, just like she did in all aspects of her life. And Castle wanted to make absolute certain that she understood what that extra effort meant to him.

He felt the will to protest leave her as she relaxed into him, pillowed her head on his chest. He dipped his chin, spoke softly, his lips brushing lightly against her scalp.

"You're amazing, Kate."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts? Anything you'd like to see for the next few letters?<em>


	15. One Man's Treasure & The Fifth Bullet

_Author's Note: This is kind of excessively fluffy. Not that it's a bad thing...just...you have been warned._

* * *

><p><strong>One Man's Treasure &amp; The Fifth Bullet<strong>

Castle and Kate lay wrapped up in each other for nearly an hour, alternating between soft kisses, caresses, and murmured words of affection. The journal sat on the pillow behind Kate's head, still open, and it was only a matter of time before Castle's natural curiosity finally won out. After a few minutes of staring intently at the lined pages, trying to decipher his handwriting from a distance, he gave up, too far away to make out the words on the page.

So, interrupting things in a way only Castle could, he reached over her and picked up the journal, brought it down between them.

Kate raised an eyebrow, the one that silently said _'way to ruin the moment, but you're still completely adorable,'_ but instead of speaking, she merely shifted so they both could read and allowed herself to be swept up once more.

_Kate,_

_Cases like this make me never want to get married again. There's just so much drama; cheating spouses and lies and...it's just ridiculous. I've already dealt with all of that. Twice. And believe me, I have no desire to ever go through any of it again. For now, single life is just fine with me._

_Apparently I'm not good with long-term commitment anyway. Every time I try, it always seems to end badly; cheating, constant fighting. Not to mention that whatever I'm going through is splashed all over page six for the world to see. That way all of New York City can be informed of the fact that Richard Castle has failed in yet another relationship. After reading all of that, I can't imagine why someone would want to commit to me._

_I guess maybe I'm just not cut out for marriage. They say it isn't for everyone, and I guess I'm no exception. And that's okay. It's not like I'm in any hurry to go through all of that again. It's sad, a bit, to consider growing old without someone by my side. It's that childhood fantasy we all have. But if I've learned one thing, it's that glorified daydreams very rarely reflect the reality of life._

_But I have my mother and I have Alexis, and they're the best family I could ever ask for. And I have you guys...Ryan and Espo and Lanie and Captain Montgomery and you. You five are some of the closest friends I've had in years, and it means a lot to me. It gives me hope that I'll never truly be alone._

_And who knows...maybe someday someone will come along and change my mind about marriage._

_-Castle_

"You didn't really mean that, did you?" Kate asked worriedly as she finished reading.

"Mean what?"

"That you never wanted to get married again?"

"Then? Absolutely," he admitted openly.

"What changed?" she inquired.

"You," he answered easily. "And me, I think. I'm in a better place now. Back then, I wasn't that far out of my second divorce. And in retrospect, Gina and I were doomed from the start. But I'd wanted a second chance and I thought we could make it work. And she didn't seem like the type to cheat."

"Meredith_ cheated_ on you?" Kate exclaimed, appalled. "Why would she..." _cheat on Richard Castle? _Was the woman crazy?

Then again, if Meredith had stayed faithful, Kate might not be here with him right now, so in some twisted way she was thankful for the woman's infidelity.

"I didn't know," she said softly upon realizing that Castle still had not spoken. "I'm so sorry, Rick."

He shrugged again, this one doing an even worse job of hiding his inner anguish. "It's okay. It was a long time ago."

"No, it's not," Kate said firmly. "It still hurts. I can see it, Castle."

"It does," he agreed reluctantly. "But I have Alexis and I have you, so I can't be too upset."

She curled a hand around his neck, tugged him closer so she could meld their lips together, comfort and an apology wrapped up in the gesture.

They separated slowly, lingering, but eventually Castle pulled back to meet her eyes and finish answering her. "But now, no. I don't still feel that way. To the right person, I'd get married in a heartbeat." His eyes bored into hers, leaving no doubts as to his meaning. "But only if I knew it was forever."

She wrapped her arms around his neck, nuzzled against his cheek, lips caressing his as she spoke. "Forever is good."

* * *

><p>They kissed lazily for a few minutes, content to simply spend a relaxing morning in each other's company. Kate wasn't naïve enough to believe that they'd last the whole morning naked in bed together without certain other activities transpiring eventually. But for now, this was exactly what they needed.<p>

Castle pulled away first, kissed her forehead, her nose, her cheeks, the freckle below her left eye, before leaning his forehead against hers and just soaking in the warmth of their bodies, the warmth of their love.

The notebook was still clutched in his fist, and eventually their attention drifted back to the words on the page, eager to see what the next letter held in store for them.

_Kate,_

_I kind of envy Jeremy. Not the amnesia part, because I have many treasured memories that I never want to lose. But the second chance part. He's starting over from a blank slate, and while that's heartbreaking in many aspects, I think we all have things we'd like to forget about or have a second crack at. I know I do. A relationship that ended badly. Two marriages that failed. Lots of mistakes. Hurting you by looking into your mom's case. All of those are things I wish I could take back or at least do differently. I know you learn from your mistakes, but those are ones I wish I'd been smart enough to not make in the first place. Things I regret._

_They say you shouldn't have regrets, and I understand that logic. But we all do anyway, don't we? Even if we say we don't, we all have regrets. Except Jeremy. Because even if he had them, he doesn't remember them. And I'm sure it's difficult for him to not remember certain things, but it's also a blessing in a way. Now he can start over new._

_Of course I don't want to experience what he has, but I still hope to have a chance to metaphorically start over someday too. In a way, I feel like I've finally found a means to do so; being here at the Twelfth. I have a new purpose now, new inspiration, new friends. It doesn't erase the old mistakes and regrets but it makes them easier to accept now that I know that I can move on from them and have a chance to make things right. Or better, at least. And that I can help others along the way._

_And maybe it will help you start to see me in a better light, too. I think very highly of you, Kate. I just hope that someday, you can say the same about me._

_-Castle_

"I almost see your point," Kate said softly, voice far away as was her gaze.

"How so?"

She returned her focus to him, features serious. "Regrets. Second chances. There are a few years of my life I'd like to do over. You know...coping differently, doing more to help my dad."

"Mmmm."

"But on the other hand, I'm who I am as a result of my experiences, good and bad. And you and me...we maybe wouldn't be here today if those things had gone differently. If we'd made different choices."

He nodded along to her words, taking in her point of view, the effortless wisdom she always seemed to possess. "You're right. I never looked at it that way."

Castle kissed her deeply, hugged her to him, breathed her in. God, he just couldn't get enough of her. She was a constant surprise, especially at times like this. For someone who'd done everything in her power to shut him out when they'd first met, he was amazed on a regular basis by just how willing she was to open up to him now. The depths of her heart and her intelligence blew him away almost daily.

"I love your mind," he whispered into her hair, cradling her naked body to his. Not arousing, just loving. Adoring.

"Just my mind?" she asked coyly, eyes sparkling.

Okay, now it was arousing.

"All of you." To emphasize his point he ran his hand along the curve of her waist, over the soft flare of her hip as his eyes bored straight through her, unearthing all of her secrets.

"Yeah?" She placed a hand flat on his chest, pushed him onto his back, rose up over him. Her hair hung down in front of her, the ends brushing against his skin, tantalizing, enthralling. She watched it ripple through him as she leaned in, closer and closer. "Prove it."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	16. A Rose For Everafter

_Author's Note: I know a lot of you were looking forward to this one. I was too, which is why I've had this chapter written for almost a month. And I'm excited to finally be able to share it with you guys!_

* * *

><p><strong>A Rose For Everafter<strong>

After their morning of heavy conversations morphed into an afternoon of activities involving little to no words, the topics of their relationship and future marriage and children were put on hold for quite some time. There was really only so much to be said on the subject for now. But at least now they truly knew where each other stood.

And Castle was almost confident that if he asked sometime in the near future, she would say yes. Maybe over the Fourth of July? That was just about a month away and they had a three day weekend. He could take her to the Hamptons, pull out all the stops. Well, okay, not all. If there was one thing he knew she wouldn't want, it was a big, lavish proposal. But he could cook dinner, set up a picnic on the beach or something.

Small and intimate, she'd said. Words he'd never forgotten. Words that had actually defined a large portion of their relationship.

There had been public dates, yes. There had been red carpets at book release parties, and pictures of them in the paper on occasion. There had been extravagant evenings in which Castle got them reservations at expensive restaurants. But he knew Kate wasn't particularly fond of that lifestyle, so for the most part they'd flown under the radar.

And actually, Castle was finding that he quite enjoyed the privacy, the down-to-earth-ness of their relationship. There was no pretense with them, no putting on certain personas, having to be what the other person expected. It'd been so long since he'd had anything like this. Anything real.

Early morning calls to crime scenes, occasional lazy mornings in bed. Family dinners with Kate, his mother, her father, and Alexis. Laser tag battles (in which Kate nearly always prevailed). Quiet evenings spent in his office, him writing while she got lost in his enormous book collection. Late nights curled up in bed, reading more from their journal.

Over a week had passed since they'd read the last letter and now that they had some downtime together, Castle wasted no time in retrieving the book from the nightstand, curling up with her and flipping it open.

_Kate,_

_I know you were surprised to find that I dated Kyra seriously. I know you thought that she didn't seem like my type. I guess I can't blame you for that; I haven't really shown you anything to make you think otherwise. But she was different. The truth is, Kyra was the first person I ever really fell head-over-heels in love with. I wanted to marry her. I thought we were forever._

_She left because said she needed space. Our feelings were intense, so much so that they scared me at times, and I figured she just needed some perspective. I thought she'd come back when she was ready, but she never did. Not going after her has always been one of my biggest regrets. But now that I've seen her with Greg, I know that we were never meant to be. Our love was real, and the time we had together was something I'll always treasure, but neither one of us was ready for marriage._

_I wish I'd realized that at the time, though. I wish I'd realized that just because our relationship didn't work didn't mean that what we had wasn't the real thing. If I had, maybe I wouldn't have been through two divorces. Maybe I would have waited until I found something real again. Maybe I'd have realized that it would be worth it in the end._

_I know better now, though. Our love was real, and that made the pain of our break-up so much stronger. I was hurt, and I just wanted to forget. I just wanted to feel. It made me feel alive again. It suppressed the pain. And when there aren't any feelings involved, it can't hurt as much. I'm not saying I made the right decision, but at the time, it was my way of coping. And I'll never regret Alexis, or the fun Meredith and I had, but I wish I'd taken marriage more seriously. I wish I didn't have two divorces in my past. I think that maybe if I didn't, you'd see me differently._

_You have to know that I have feelings for you, Kate. I'm inspired by you and I'm just drawn to you in a way I can't explain. You keep me guessing, you keep me on my toes, and you constantly surprise me with the little things you reveal about yourself. You're...intriguing, I think, is the best way to put it. And you know I've wanted you since day one, but this is different now. I want to spend more time with you, get to know you better, in more than just the physical sense. I don't know what we are, exactly, or what we could be, but I want to give it a try._

_I have a feeling that we could be something really good._

_-Castle_

"I didn't realize," Kate murmured softly, setting the journal aside and hugging him tighter.

"Realize what?"

"What happened with you two. I...honestly, I figured you'd done something," she admitted guiltily.

He shook his head, dropped his chin. "For the longest time, that's what I thought, too. I thought I'd scared her off somehow. Then when it became clear that she wasn't coming back, I thought that maybe in her eyes I just wasn't worth it."

"So that's why...when I…"

"Yeah," he said softly. "Yeah."

"I never knew."

Kate couldn't stop herself as her mind flashed back to that day at the swings. Right after months of poor communication culminated in a pit of misunderstandings and false assumptions and a job in DC. The job that very nearly tore them apart.

_"Kate..."_

_She stepped back, refused his outstretched hand. "Castle, please. I need to be home tonight. In my own bed."_

_"Then we can go to your place," he suggested blindly, desperate to keep her from leaving. He thought they were okay. Relatively speaking. He thought they'd reached a consensus of sorts._

_Apparently he was mistaken._

_"Alone, Castle." Her voice was broken, completely shattered from the weight of the last few days, of the stress from everything she was facing and everything that had been said. "I need to be alone."_

_He ran a hand through his hair, deflated, stepped back heavily, shoved the hand still clutching the ring deep into his pocket. "Fine."_

_"Castle..."_

_But he was already turning away._

_They parted ways without a good bye, and as Castle glanced over his shoulder while he waited for a cab, he caught a glimpse of Kate in the driver's seat of her cruiser with her head down on the steering wheel._

_What had they done?_

"Castle?" she called softly, bringing him back to the present.

"Hmmm?"

Kate ran a hand through her hair. "It's over. Don't keep dwelling on it."

Castle sighed painfully at the memory, one that had unearthed all of the insecurities they had spent so long trying to erase. "I...I know."

She turned her head, pressed a kiss to the underside of his jaw.

"We're better at this now," she promised.

"I know," he repeated, more to himself than to her.

Kate smiled softly, pulled his large body around hers more tightly, cocooning herself in his embrace and allowing him to draw strength from her. Bouncing back from that hadn't been easy, and they'd battled for months before she truly felt like they were on the same page. That they were in agreement about where they stood, where they were headed, and what needed to be addressed before they could get there.

But together...together, they'd found their way back to each other.

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	17. Sucker Punch

_Author's Note: This chapter drove me crazy. Absolutely crazy. It gave me so much trouble. And it shouldn't have, because Sucker Punch was one of the best episodes of season two. But for some reason I just couldn't seem to come up with anything to write. Thank you to Andy for putting up with my obscene amounts of whining over this chapter._

* * *

><p><strong>Sucker Punch<strong>

"Want to read some more?" Castle settled into bed beside Kate, shoulder to shoulder, leaned back against the headboard. He was clutching their journal in one hand, a hopeful expression in his eyes. Kate rolled her eyes but couldn't completely disguise her smile. Sometimes she wasn't sure which one of them was enjoying this more. Probably him.

But it'd been a couple days since they'd last read a letter and he looked so eager and his overly-excited smile was so endearing and just...how could she say no to that?

She set aside the novel she was reading, bent her legs beneath the blankets. Castle did the same, placing the journal on the ledge created by their raised knees. He flipped through to the correct page, leaned his head against hers as they began to read.

_I'm so sorry, Kate. So incredibly sorry; for poking into this case, for what you're going through, for what happened today. If I'd known that things would happen this way, I would have minded my own business._

_Of course it's always easy to say that in retrospect. All I really wanted was for you to have closure but instead of bringing you closer, I've only pushed you further away from the truth. Judging by the case file, that's the closest you've ever come to having answers. And thanks to me, that connection is gone. I know you're not angry with me, I know you don't think it was my fault, but it was. If I hadn't been so stupid and reckless, maybe Coonan wouldn't have gotten ahold of me and we could have stopped him some other way. Maybe if I'd thought things through a little more we could have realized the truth before he cut a deal. I just wish I could go back and redo this entire last couple of days._

_I don't know how you can possibly still want me around, not after what happened, and you have no idea what it means to me that you're allowing me to stay. I don't feel like I deserve that, but for you I'll stay. And if at any time it gets too difficult to have me around just let me know, because I would step away for you too, Kate. Whatever you want._

_One of these days, I promise I'll make it up to you. I don't know how I'll ever be able to pay restitution for everything that happened as a result of my actions, but one of these days I'll figure it out. It's the least I can do considering how badly I screwed things up._

_And finally, I hope that you're doing okay. I hope that you're recovering and talking to your Dad and going to bed early and just trying not to let it overwhelm you. Because I know I'll probably have nightmares tonight. But I'm here for you, Kate, if you need anything. If you can't sleep, call me. I don't care what time it is, call me. Or come over. I have alcohol, a lot of movies, a comfortable spare bedroom. And my arms are always open, too. I'll talk, I'll listen, I'll hold you, I'll pull your pigtails. Whatever will make you feel better._

_Like I said yesterday, I'll do anything you need, even if that means taking a step back and allowing you to deal with this on your own. I'm at a loss here, because I've never been in a situation like this before. I can only begin to imagine what you're going through and I want to help but I have no idea how. So just say the word and I'll honor your wishes._

_I care about you, Kate._

_And all I really want is to see you smile._

_-Castle_

"That seems like it was so long ago," Kate murmured, lifting her head and setting the journal down by her hip, allowing the pages to flip closed.

He nodded in agreement. "It does."

So much had happened since then. Snipers, conspiracies, funerals, bullets, scars. All of it. And sometimes it was difficult to believe that they'd made it through, uncovered the answers, all the while coming out of it stronger than ever. Strange to consider that the one thing that'd torn them apart so many times was ultimately responsible for bringing them together.

"You know I never blamed you for that, right?" she said softly, one hand coming to rest on the arm that was now balanced on his knee.

"I know. Or I do now, at least. At the time, I couldn't understand how you didn't hate me for screwing it up."

"Your life was more important," Kate replied without hesitation.

"But your mother's case..."

"Was important, too. But when you were around, you made me forget that her death was what drove me. You made me smile and laugh. You made me feel, and that was something I'd avoided for so long."

He smiled, twined their fingers and rested their joined hands on the blankets. "I'm glad I could help."

Both laughed as they considered how far he'd come since the day she crashed his book signing.

Silence fell then as Kate sobered, thoughts of her life before Castle flooding her brain. He'd turned her life around in more ways than she'd ever imagined a single person could. Before him, she'd been driven by her quest for justice, one that was tinted with the desire for revenge. She'd worked long hours, set aside very little time for herself or for activities outside the precinct.

Sure, she'd gone out with friends on occasion, even went on dates. But for the most part, she'd maintained her distance, closed herself off to avoid the hurt that was sure to eventually transpire. It was her defense mechanism, and it'd always worked for her. Until Castle walked into her life and flipped it upside down, awoke in her the desire to emerge from behind her walls.

"I can't believe it's been fifteen years," she almost whispered, one hand still linked with his while the fingers of her other hand fiddled with the edge of the blankets. "I wish you could've met her."

"So do I."

"She'd have loved you."

Castle smiled tenderly. "If she was anything like you, I know I would've loved her, too."

Kate dropped her head back to rest against the headboard, sighed sadly. "I miss her so much."

He twisted his neck to lean his forehead against her temple, press his lips to her cheek. "I know you do."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	18. The Third Man

_Author's Note: It's not a new episode but hopefully this helps. I know I'm already in withdrawal._

* * *

><p><strong>The Third Man<strong>

"Beckett."

"Hey."

Kate smiled to herself, snuggled further into the pillows and relaxed at the sound of his voice, so welcome after five days apart.

"Hey," she replied. "How was your day?"

He shrugged though she couldn't see it, leaned back against the headboard of the bed in his hotel room. "Busy. You know how Meredith can be. She had all these things planned. I don't think she's quite gotten the concept of 'relaxing week in California.' It's like she's trying to make up for the fact that she hasn't seen Alexis in a year by doing everything in the area this week. And there wasn't much going on at Zenith today so I wound up tagging along with them."

"Well at least she's trying."

"Yeah, I guess," he conceded.

He sighed over the phone and Kate heard a rustling noise as he maneuvered so he was lying down, phone balanced on the side of his head. It was only nine o'clock, but ten hours out and about in the hot summer sun had worn him out pretty thoroughly.

"I miss you," he said softly, longingly, and Kate curled her body more tightly around his pillow, breathed in his lingering scent.

"Miss you too."

"Just a few more hours."

"I know."

"I wish you could have come with."

She sighed. This conversation had taken place every day so far. He wanted her there. She wanted to be there too. But she didn't have any vacation days until August and Meredith was available now. So Castle and Alexis had jetted off to California, Castle to make a few public appearances and Alexis to spend the week with her mother. He was headed back to New York tomorrow while Alexis would be staying for an additional few days.

When Kate didn't respond, Castle switched the subject. "How was work?"

She shrugged against the pillow. "No case, just paperwork. Boring day."

"I wish I could've been there to keep you company."

"It was just paperwork, Castle."

"Trust me, it would've been much preferable to a luncheon with Meredith's most recent set of co-stars. I learned far more about hair extensions and air-brushing than I ever cared to know."

She laughed. "Yeah, I can imagine."

More rustling noises, this time originating from Kate's end of the phone.

"Are you in bed?"

"Yeah, are you?"

"Yeah. I didn't wake you did I?"

"No. I was reading."

"Nikki Heat?"

"Nope." Kate traced the stitching in the leather cover, felt the angular pattern press back against her fingertips. "Our journal."

"You are?"

"I missed you."

He pulled the covers up around his body, sank further into the mattress. Not the same as his bed at home, mainly because he was in it alone.

"Read to me."

Kate faltered. "Really?"

"Of course."

"I, uhh...okay," she consented after a moment.

She shifted to prop herself up with one arm, put the phone on speaker, freeing up a hand to hold the book open. It felt weird, reading a letter out loud to the person who'd originally written it. But for him, she'd do just about anything.

_Dear Kate,_

_Thank you for coming out to dinner with me tonight. It was a lovely date. Yes, it was a date; you went to dinner with New York City's Most Eligible Bachelor Number Nine._

_You looked really nice tonight. That red dress accentuated your body in all the right places and the way your hair was done was beautiful. I wish you would have kept the dress on though...it would have made our date even better. But I got you to go out with me, so I can't be too picky._

_You know, Alexis asked me before the date if someone who was a number on a list was the way for me to find happiness. I laughed it off, but now I think I kind of understand. My daughter is a smart girl. I mean, Amanda was nice enough, but just because she was listed in that article didn't mean she was a good person to go on a date with. She wasn't like you. She didn't think like you, didn't complete my sentences the way you do. She didn't get me in the same way that you do. Being with her - it wasn't the same as how I feel with you, especially when the pieces started falling into place and we solved the case. It just wasn't the same._

_I'm so glad I ran into you at Drago, even if it was a little awkward and you were really, really annoyed with me. Because it worked out perfectly in the end. We solved the case and rescued each other from our not-so-good dates. I have to admit, I've been on some pretty horrible dates in my life, and that one was right up there._

_Remy's with you, though - that more than made up for my failed attempt at enjoying an overpriced dinner with Bachelorette Number Three. We should do that more often. It could be a tradition; going out for dinner or drinks after every close. That way we can spend some time together outside of the precinct, get to know each other a little better, possibly prevent dates with self-centered firemen. I feel a little bit bad that we left them. But who knows - maybe they hit it off really well._

_Besides, I can't complain about the way things ended. Not at all. Because I had a fabulous evening with you._

_And if you ever decide you'd like to be responsible for me being removed from the eligible bachelors list, I'm one-hundred-percent okay with that._

_Until next time_

_-Castle_

Kate fell silent as she finished reading, allowing his words to sink in. She remembered that night in fairly good detail; seeing Castle with the blonde, being jealous even though she didn't want to admit it, leaving the restaurant with him, walking out of the precinct arm-in-arm. Yeah, those memories were pretty well cemented in there.

But she also recalled being annoyed at both herself and Castle that night; at him for jumping on any attempt to be seen with a woman on his arm and at herself for even caring about what he did during his spare time.

Kate quickly re-read the letter to herself, couldn't stop her tired mind from zeroing in on certain parts; Bachelorette Number Three, Drago, the article.

It was late and she missed him and somehow the combination of that and his words was wrapping around her, jealousy seeping into her veins, spreading through her like wildfire. Sure, there'd been a lot of women. Kate was under no delusions.

But now...he was across the country in the same city as his ex-wife, who he'd slept with at least once in the time Kate had known him. Hell, he'd slept with both ex-wives in that time.

But she'd never really been jealous of Meredith. In fact, she actually rather liked the woman, though she could see how endless hours spent in her company would drive her up the wall.

So why the jealousy? And why now?

Kate loved Castle, and he loved her. She knew that. Rationally, there was no reason for her to be feeling like this. But irrationally, she was jealous. And insecure. And she hated it.

"Kate?"

"Huh?"

"You're quiet. What's wrong?"

She shoved the journal aside with more force than necessary, rolled over so she was facing away from it. "Nothing."

"Kate."

She sighed. "You're not...staying with Meredith, are you?"

"You know I'm not."

"Does she...know we're together?"

"I think so. I mean, she knew we were last year."

"But you went out to lunch with her."

"No, I went to a luncheon with my daughter and her mother."

"Yes, but Meredith was there."

"So?"

"So I've seen the way you guys are around each other. And she might think that we aren't together anymore and..."

Yes, it was incredibly petty, but now that the seed of insecurity had been planted, it was growing and she couldn't seem to stop it.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he interrupted with a growl.

"I just..."

"Where is this coming from?" Castle demanded. "Is this because of the letter? Because of a date I went on a few years ago?"

"No it's just...I don't know...maybe."

"Are you really questioning my fidelity right now? Do you really trust me so little?"

"It's not you I don't trust," Kate backtracked quickly. "It's her, because she always has her eye on you."

"So do you," he joked. "Which I don't mind, by the w..."

"Castle!"

Okay, not the time for jokes.

"I just...I don't know what you want from me here."

She'd spent all day wanting him to be at the precinct with her. She wanted him in bed with her now. She wanted to be naked and wrapped up in his arms. She wanted to not be fighting with him over the phone about something that really shouldn't have turned into a fight.

Kate punched the pillow in frustration. "I don't either."

"Look," he said, running a hand through his hair, over his face. "It's late for you. Really late. Why don't we talk tomorrow when I get home?"

She sighed heavily, obviously irritated. "Fine."

"Kate..."

"Good night."

She tossed her phone to the other side of the bed, buried her face in the pillow, cursed herself and her insecurities. She was frustrated with herself for even considering that he was anything less than faithful, annoyed for being so insecure, upset for the conversation they'd just had, for the way it ended. And she just really, really missed him. It was the longest they'd spent apart since DC, and she hadn't been sleeping well without him there.

When had she turned into the type of woman who couldn't fall asleep alone? She guessed it corresponded fairly closely with the first night she'd spent with him, the first time she'd experienced the warmth and comfort and love of his strong arms and solid body.

God, she missed him.

Tomorrow. He'd be back tomorrow.

* * *

><p>Airports were possibly one of Kate's least favorite places, topped only by cemeteries and alleyways. There were so many people, so much traffic, so much chaos.<p>

Castle had arranged for his car service to pick him up but Kate had called them an hour ago and cancelled it. So now she stood by Baggage Claim at JFK waiting for his familiar face to appear amongst the crowd.

After a couple minutes more, she spotted him weaving through the throngs of passengers and waiting families, suitcase rolling along behind him. Kate strode purposefully towards him and she could see the moment he recognized her amidst the confusion. His tired eyes widened slightly and his slumped posture straightened as he made his way to her.

"What are you doing here?"

She rested a hand on his arm as he came to a stop in front of her, smiled tentatively. "I just...I feel awful about the things I said last night and I missed you and..."

Her words were swallowed by him as he caught her around the waist with his free hand, pulled her in for a kiss that was bordering on inappropriate for a public place. But it had been seven days and they'd fought and he just...God, he'd missed her _so much._

"I'm sorry," she panted as they separated, foreheads leaned together. "I'm so sorry. I don't know...I have no idea, I just...I know you wouldn't do that. I trust you."

He kissed her forehead. "It's okay."

"It's not."

He shook his head. "You're right, it wasn't. What happened last night definitely wasn't one of our finest moments. But you're here now. And we're okay, right?"

She nodded. "Right."

"Good," he affirmed, eyes adopting a twinkle now that the disagreement was mostly resolved. "Now, are you on a case today?"

She shook her head. "Nope, just on call."

Castle smiled and Kate's heart lifted at the way his eyes crinkled with happiness.

He leaned in close, breath washing over her face as he spoke in a low voice. "Then take me home, because I believe there's a giant bed there with our names on it."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	19. Suicide Squeeze

_Author's Note: I have no clue where I got the idea for this chapter but once it started, my brain just ran away with it. And this is the result._

* * *

><p><strong>Suicide Squeeze<strong>

_"_What're you doing?" Kate mumbled as Castle climbed over her to grab something off the floor, pulling the covers off of Kate's torso and kneeing her in the back in the process.

He pulled himself back up and re-situated on the bed, held up the retrieved object.

Oh. Right. It must've ended up on the floor last night when she'd tossed it away in her little mini tantrum of jealousy. "Yeah, sorry about that."

He wrapped his arms around her again, pulling her back flush against his front and feeling her relax into him, sated.

There'd been a round of rather hot, passionate, I'm-still-a-little-bit-angry-at-you sex when they'd first arrived home from the airport, followed by a nap, followed by a second, much slower and gentler round. Now, they were teetering on the brink of sleep, still basking in the afterglow. Or, at least, Kate was. Castle was opening the journal, propping his chin on her shoulder so they could read together. Apparently.

Kate sighed, slightly irritated, as she shifted so she could read without going cross-eyed. She was tired and really just wanted to actually sleep rather than hover on the edge, not having slept particularly well in his absence.

"Please?" he whispered, dropping a kiss behind her ear.

She shivered in spite of herself, covered his hand with hers in silent but slightly reluctant affirmation.

_Dear Kate,_

_I had no idea you're a baseball fan. I guess it just goes to show that I still have a lot to learn about you. __I remember you once compared yourself to an onion. It's accurate, in a way. Except that you smell much better._

_But I digress._

_We should go to a game sometime. I can get us great seats. Maybe sometime next summer. It'd be fun, and I want to see you fangirl over the players. It was so amusing to watch you stumble over your own name to Joe Torre. Priceless, really._

_Who knew that all it took to shake the unflappable Kate Beckett was a famous athlete?_

_Apparently famous authors don't have the same effect on you. Too bad for me, I guess. Although, I'm pretty sure I could figure out a way to throw you off your game. It would involve physical contact and minimal clothing. Oh, and probably a home run._

_Yes, that was awful. Yes, you're probably rolling your eyes right now. But you also know that I'm right._

_And if you don't believe me, well, I'll just have to prove you wrong._

_-Castle_

As it turned out, he'd kept his promise...to take her to a game, that is. Though he'd also discovered numerous ways to make her stumble over her words...a lot of deliciously sexy ways...which usually ended much better than the fiasco that'd resulted from that baseball game.

He'd gotten the tickets as a surprise, a present for her just because, and the look on her face when he'd given them to her was something he'd never forget. Neither was the night that followed.

At the game, Kate had been so carefree and happy as they'd sat in the stands, stealing each other's French fries and feeling the wind on their faces, and from that moment on, Castle vowed to do everything in his power to see her smile like that every day.

All in all, it'd been a lovely date.

Until someone in the crowd had recognized Castle, snapped pictures, and subsequently sold them to any website willing to pay. Most were harmless; Castle and Kate talking, laughing, eating hot dogs. But there were two in which his arm was around her shoulders, one with their heads leaned together.

And one of them kissing.

The fight that ensued hadn't been pretty.

_It began with a text from Lanie late the following night as Kate was on the verge of sleep._

'_Going public I see,' it read._

_"What?" Kate exclaimed loudly, her reaction going from confused to panic to anger in a matter of seconds. Because really, there was only one reason Lanie would be sending such a text._

_She angrily pushed back the covers, grabbed Castle's iPad from the nightstand, typed his name into the search bar of the web browser. Sure enough, a handful of pictures appeared at the top of the news section. Pictures of them at the game. Pictures of them..._

_Crap._

_"Castle," she hissed, smacking his arm, waking him from where he dozed next to her._

_"Hmmm?"_

_"Wake up," she said harshly, smacking his arm again._

_"Ow, what the hell?"_

_She held out the iPad and he squinted at the screen, forced his eyes to focus._

_Oh. Well. This wasn't good._

_Even in his sleep-addled state, something in his brain clicked into place, realized the seriousness of the situation, realized that he needed to wake up and focus because he was in for a not-so-fun conversation._

_"Kate," he pleaded, sitting up and taking the device from her to look at the images more closely, assess the damage._

_While she groaned and dropped her head into her hands, Castle breathed a sigh of relief. They weren'__t nearly as bad as they could have been. It wasn't like they were groping each other or making out. Nothing compromising, no partial nudity. But still..._

_"I'm sorry," he apologized softly, closing the page and setting the tablet aside._

_She snapped her head up angrily. "Sorry?"_

_"Kate, hon, calm down."_

_She rounded on him, though the effect was somewhat lost due to the fact that she was naked, hair still thoroughly mussed from his hands. "Calm down? We're kissing on the internet. I think I'm allowed to freak out."_

_"Fine, but don't take it out on me."_

_"And don't call me hun," she tacked on pointlessly._

_"Kate..."_

_"No."_

_She was furious, seething at this blatant invasion of their privacy. Aside from their families and close friends, no one knew about them. Now, everyone did._

_She'd known going into this relationship that it was liable to happen eventually. But they'd discussed it at length, agreed to keep it quiet and out of the media as much as possible. And they'd been really good about it thus far. She'd known it wouldn't last forever, but this..._

_Was she really ready for this? Was she really okay with possibly having people snap pictures of her at any time and any place, giving the world a glimpse into her private or professional life?_

_Yeah, no. Definitely not._

"_Castle I can't..." she blurted after a tense moment._

"_No," he interrupted harshly, not allowing her to finish her sentence. "You do _not _get to run away from this."_

"_I..."_

_"You knew this was a possibility," Castle reminded her._

"_I know but...why does anyone even care?" she snorted in disgust._

_"If no one cares, then why does it matter?"_

_"Because...I just...I can't," she stammered insufficiently._

_With that she climbed out of bed, threw on her clothes, and slipped silently out of the loft while Castle collapsed in defeat, spent the night wide awake with his body wrapped around her pillow._

_Guilty didn't even begin to describe how Kate felt during the drive back to her apartment, but she needed some space, some time, some perspective, so she could figure out how to deal with this. She loved Castle, more than she'd ever loved anyone. She wanted to be with him, now and for the foreseeable future. But she wasn't sure she'd ever truly be okay with her picture being broadcast to the whole world, regardless of the number of people who may or may not see it._

_And then there was the fact that she'd just left him naked in his bed in the middle of the night._

_Lovely, Kate._

_She tossed and turned all night, not sleeping a wink, and finally at five a.m. she gave up, hopped in a cab, and headed back to the loft. She crept through to his bedroom, slipped off her shoes, and climbed back into bed with him._

"_Kate?"_

_Crap. Despite the fact that she'd barely slept, she also hadn't come up with a plausible solution for them. Maybe she should've thought of that before she climbed back into his bed, but she was here now and he was awake, so she'd better come up with something. Fast._

"_I'm sorry," she whispered._

_Castle blinked his eyes open, forced himself to focus. "You left."_

"_I know. And I shouldn't have."_

"_Damn right you shouldn't have." He sat up angrily, tossing the covers aside, startling her with the sudden iciness of his voice. "Is this going to happen every time we fight?"_

"_No, look..."_

"_No, you look. You left. You walked out on me. And I can't keep doing this if I have to spend the night wondering if you'll come back this time. We're going to fight, Kate, and I need to be able to trust that we can work our way through things together."_

"_I just...I needed space to think."_

"_So go sit in the office. Hell, go upstairs to the guest room. But stop leaving. I just..." she could see the moisture collecting in his eyes, the hollowness and exhaustion and pain looking out at her. "A guy can only take so much, Kate. I'd think you of all people would understand what it's like to have people keep leaving you."_

_It was a low blow but he was hurt and tired and angry, and censoring his words wasn't high on his priority list._

_He saw the moment his words registered, watched them travel through her, hardening her features. "That's not fair."_

"_Neither is what you're doing to me. And I deserve more than what I'm getting."_

"_I..." She shook her head, angry not at him but at herself for the selfishness of her actions. She'd screwed up. Badly. Again. And she needed to fix it. She sighed, reached out to cup his jaw. "You're right. You're right, Castle. You do deserve more, and I'm sorry. I was selfish. And I was wrong. And it won't happen again."_

"_You said that last time. So how am I supposed to believe you?"_

"_I..." Kate dropped her head into her hands in defeat. He already struggled to trust her and while they'd been making great strides, she'd probably just erased everything they'd accomplished with one poor decision. "I don't know."_

_Silence fell, ominous, tense. Castle was staring resolutely at Kate, almost daring her to speak, to come up with some sort of solution. Finally she spoke, her voice laden with despair._

"_I love you," she said softly. "You believe that, right?"_

_Her eyes had always been able to reveal her deeper feelings, and as he searched them now, he saw only honesty. "Yes."_

"_Which means that deep down, you trust me. It's in there somewhere. And I know I have no right to ask this of you, but please find that part of you now, trust that I _have_ learned and that I won't do this again. I might walk away from you physically but I'll stay in the loft next time. I promise."_

_She grasped his hands in hers, met his eyes, pleading. "Please. I need you, Rick."_

"_I needed you last night."_

_Her heart sank. This was getting her nowhere and she was running out of ideas. "Then what can I do, Castle? Tell me what to do to make this better."_

"_Well you could have started by staying..."_

"_I didn't okay?" she snapped. "I left. I screwed up. We've been through all of this. It happened and I'm sorry, but dwelling on it isn't going to make it better."_

"_Well I don't know what will."_

_Kate softened, her features and her voice. "Give me a chance to prove that I can be better."_

_Castle sighed heavily, and when he finally spoke Kate could see in his eyes what this was costing him._

"_Okay."_

_She cupped his jaw with both hands, guided their mouths together. "I'm so sorry," she whispered against his lips, kissing him gently. "I love you."_

* * *

><p><em>The next time they fought, Kate was right in front of him, standing toe to toe. They yelled themselves hoarse, said things they didn't mean, and then collapsed into a naked, sweaty mess on her bed.<em>

_Because angry make-up sex was so much better than spending the night alone._

"We should go to another game sometime," Kate suggested softly, pushing aside the memories of their fights and focusing on the happier times that his letter reminded her of.

"Plenty of games coming up."

She smiled. "I have next Thursday off."

Castle picked up his iPad, opened up the internet browser. "On it."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	20. The Mistress Always Spanks Twice

_Author's Note: This one is bordering on M...because how could I not? And because I haven't said it in a while, thanks for all of your lovely reviews/favorites, etc. And welcome to all of my new readers...you guys are brave for tackling all of this at once!_

* * *

><p><strong>The Mistress Always Spanks Twice<strong>

Upon procuring tickets for the game, Castle set the tablet aside and settled back into bed with Kate cuddled up next to him. There was a soft smile on her face as she looked up at him from the pillows and he dipped his chin to drop a kiss on her cheek, wrapped his other hand around hers that still held the journal.

"Want to keep going?" he asked softly.

She shrugged. She was a bit sleepy, still sated, and not in the mood to do much beyond the confines of their bed. So why not?

"Sure."

He opened the book again, the flipping of the pages fanning air across Kate's skin, cooling her slightly. She rolled away from the faint breeze and onto her stomach, propped herself up on her elbows. Castle did the same and settled in with her, shoulder to shoulder, blankets pulled up to their scapulae.

She tilted her chin to press a kiss to his jaw, felt him sigh in response and nestle his cheek against hers as they began to read.

_Dear Kate,_

_You raided sex toy shops while you were in vice and learned all about leather quality and stitch patterns? Yeah, right. I don't believe you for a second. There's no way that just raiding a shop would give you that much knowledge. I think you're just being a tease and that you're somewhat of an expert on the subject, for reasons other than 'work.' The clues are there, Kate. The way you were so comfortable on the phone when you scheduled our appointment at the 'dungeon,' like you've made those kinds of calls before. How at ease you seemed in the shops and speaking with the people in that world. The way you knew what so many of those items were used for._

_And the pictures on that website, those crazy positions...you nonchalantly saying, 'oh, it's possible.'_

Kate nudged his shoulder with her own, winked at him as he looked over at her and her smoldering eyes and mischievous smile.

"Told you," she said under her breath, smug and far too pleased with herself.

But, oh, was it ever possible. In fact, Castle's mind was currently supplying countless images that proved exactly that. But he wasn't complaining, wouldn't ever complain, because he had first-hand knowledge of exactly how flexible Kate was.

When he glanced back over at her, she was smirking at him already, obviously enjoying being a casual observer to the mini fieldtrip on which his mind...and certain parts of his body...had just embarked. She'd rolled onto her side and her foot was now tracing tantalizing patterns on his calf. One hand slipped out to caress his hip, and her eyes were dark and dangerous as she looked up at him from beneath her eyelashes.

Castle hurriedly retrained his eyes on the page and skimmed the rest of the letter, barely registering the words.

_Such a tease._

_You know a lot more than you're letting on, and now I have to know, too._

_I've been told that my need for the story is a bad thing, that I tend to push too hard and in the end it backfires. And maybe they're right, about some things. But this...I don't see how this could end any way but positively. For both of us._

_-Castle_

He closed the book then, carelessly tossed it aside and hungrily pounced on her. The blue in his eyes was almost invisible, replaced by something dark and feral and lusty as he kissed her, trailed his fingers over every bit of skin he could find. Kate was just as aggressive and passionate, meeting him kiss for kiss, touch for touch, tease for tease.

Yeah, he thought as he hovered over her naked body, felt the heat and electricity flowing between them. This was definitely going to end well.

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	21. Tick, Tick, Tick & Boom

_Author's Note: I know a lot of people were looking forward to this one. There was so much material that I really had to pick and choose; I hope I did it justice._

* * *

><p><strong>Tick, Tick, Tick &amp; Boom<strong>

"Hey."

A soft voice floated through the air as Kate stirred and forced her eyes open, groggy and warm and not really ready to wake up just yet. She blinked a few times before everything came into focus, and found herself staring up into the blue eyes of her partner. Boyfriend. No, partner. Boyfriend always sounded weird to her, because though that was technically what he was, he was so much more than that. Their relationship was so much more than that.

"Hi." She smiled up at him, eyes drifting closed again as he bent down to kiss her.

Sleep had finally claimed them after their most recent escapade, and Kate had no idea what time it was now but they'd both been very much in need of a nap. Her more so than him, apparently.

"How long have you been awake?"

Castle shrugged, brushed his lips across her forehead. "A few minutes."

Kate rolled onto her side so she was facing him, and he lifted an arm, settled it around her waist, guiding her closer. She shifted on the pillow, closed her eyes and allowed herself to spend a few more minutes teetering on the edge of sleep, basking in his warmth, in the steady rhythm of his breathing.

After a few silent minutes, she heard the soft sound of a page being turned and lifted her head, followed his gaze to find his eyes glued to their journal. She frowned slightly as she squinted at the lines, deciphered the words. They didn't sound familiar. Which meant...

"Are you reading ahead?"

He looked away sheepishly. "Maybe?"

"Castle," she scolded, her words lacking any strength or disapproval. He was the author after all, already knew what was there. Knowing him, he'd probably committed parts of it to memory. But even so, there was something special about reading it together, something that'd become very important to her.

"Okay, yes. But just the next one. I haven't made it any further."

She rolled onto her stomach, leaned her temple against his shoulder and began to follow along with him.

_Dear Kate,_

_I was terrified the other day. I'm not easily scared, but watching your apartment go up in flames when I knew you were inside...that's high on the list of the scariest things I've ever witnessed. God, I just...I had no idea what I'd find when I went in there, but it certainly wasn't you alive and relatively unharmed. And naked, which was an added bonus, even if I did only get to see your back._

_You looked pretty good in my jacket too. You should keep it, wear it around. I'd be completely okay with that, especially if you opted to not wear anything underneath it again._

_But in all seriousness, I'm glad you're okay. I was really scared, Kate. I know you're a cop, and I know it's always a danger you face, but seeing it up close like that...I think it really hit me then just how dangerous your job can be. Especially since you seem to attract an unusually large number professional killers and psychopaths._

_I realized for the first time, too, that my writing has put you in danger. That never even crossed my mind when I started shadowing you, and I guess that's just one more thing to add to the list of things that I didn't think through when it comes to you. I never wanted to put you in danger, Kate. I never wanted you to get hurt._

_And now that this happened, it makes me want to keep you in the loft all the time. You can just move into our spare bedroom. That way I can see for myself every night that you're okay._

_I know you'd never go for that, and I know that you're going to find your own apartment again as soon as you can. I also know you're not mine to 'keep.' But I want you to know that you're always welcome at the loft. My mother and daughter are great for cheering people up, and between the three of us we make some pretty delicious comfort food. I've got shelves of books, a large TV, laser tag gear, and a very comfortable bed that I would gladly allow you to use...with or without my presence. (I'm told I'm a fantastic pillow.)_

_As I write this, you're sitting upstairs in the guest room, chatting on the phone. Talking to your dad, I think. It's selfish, but I wish you were downstairs with me instead._

_I'm sure your dad is happy to hear from you, though. I don't know how he does it, knowing that you're out there every day facing potential dangers. God, I worry about you, and I'm just your shadow and I'm there most of the time to see for myself that you're okay. You know I care about you, Kate. And it's gotten to the point where I can't imagine my life without you in it...I can't imagine not coming to the precinct every day, not writing Nikki Heat. I don't ever want to have to experience that._

_So please, when you go out tomorrow morning to go apartment hunting, please be careful. Please try not to end up in any more explosions. I mean, I'll gladly walk in on you naked in a bathtub at any time...but next time, let's make sure the circumstances are a little less dire._

_I'm sure there's so much more I should say; so much has happened in the last few days and it's all a bit of a jumble in my head. I guess the main thing that comes to mind is that I'm really glad you're okay. And if there's anything I can do for you, anything at all, you know that all you have to do is ask._

_-Castle_

"You seriously wanted me to move in?"

"Well, yeah," he replied as though the answer was obvious. "But maybe not in the same way."

She rolled her eyes, grinned at him. "You just wanted an excuse to walk in on me in a bathtub."

"Well I wouldn't have been averse to it," he teased, fingers tracing the curve of her waist, her hip.

Kate whacked his arm. "Of course you wouldn't."

"Hey," he chided, catching her hand before she could hit him again. "You're just as fond of my bathtub as I am, and you know it."

Kate smiled as her mind drifted back to the day she'd moved in...also the day they'd christened the bed. And the desk. And the tub. Technically they'd christened all of those locations already, but Castle had insisted that it needed to be done again now that they were officially living together.

"_Hey." He snuck up behind her and slipped his arms around her waist, hands coming to rest on her stomach._

"_Hey," she replied softly, felt him smile against her hair as her abs fluttered beneath his touch. She knew he absolutely loved feeling the effects of his touch, his presence, on her body. Knew that it made him proud, humbled._

"_Finding space for everything?"_

_Kate nodded, her cheek rubbing against the stubble of his jaw; apparently he'd been so excited to move her in that he hadn't taken the time to shave this morning. Not that she was complaining. "Yeah, just about done."_

_She laid the last few pairs of socks in the dresser drawer and reached down with her now free hand to lace it with his. Her work clothes were already hung in the closet along with a selection of dresses and sweatshirts and other items. The majority of her clothing had actually already been at the loft, so there really wasn't all that much to make room for. But it'd taken the better part of yesterday to pack it up and so far today they'd moved everything over and put about half of it away._

_She still had the key to her apartment; her lease wasn't up for another four days and she needed to do some last-minute cleaning. But she'd taken a personal day and, along with the weekend, that gave her three full days to accomplish everything. They'd employed Ryan and Espo to help load and unload boxes and in return Castle had provided pizza, snacks, beer, and an afternoon of video games on his giant projector screen while Kate settled in._

_The boys finally headed home a few minutes ago, freeing him to come find her. And inevitably distract her. In fact, that'd played a large role in her decision to have the guys hang out for a while, because if they were immersed in video games, then Castle wouldn't be there to trace tantalizing patterns on the skin of her stomach and brush a soft kiss just behind her ear and try to peek into the drawer that now contained her complete collection of lingerie._

"_Castle!" she swatted his hand away from the drawer and pushed it closed. "Later."_

"_But..."_

_She turned in his arms, silenced him with a kiss. "I promise, you'll get to see the new ones later."_

"_N...new ones?" he swallowed hard, flicked his gaze back to the drawer. "I thought...you bought more?"_

_She demurely raised an eyebrow, reached up to pat his cheek, then stepped out of the circle of his arms, leaving Castle frozen in place and gaping alternately at her and the dresser._

_"Later," she repeated, slipping out of the room with an added sway in her hips. Oh, he was so not going to survive this._

_As it turned out, he didn't wind up seeing the lingerie that day because by the time they'd finished unpacking and eating dinner, Kate claimed she was tired and sweaty and in need of a relaxing bath. Castle wasted no time in following her to the bedroom, already undressing her as they crossed through his office. They detoured along the way for a quick jaunt against his desk before actually making it to the tub._

_And by the time they tumbled to the bed an hour later, he had no interest in any type of clothing, no matter how sexy. Given the choice, naked Kate always won._

"Want to take a bath?" he asked softly, mind eagerly supplying images of that night.

She smiled, pushed back the covers. It wasn't yet dinner time and they were both probably in need of a cleansing. And though she rarely admitted it, relaxing baths with Castle were one of her absolute favorite things in the world.

"I was beginning to think you'd never ask."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	22. Wrapped Up In Death

_Author's Note: Three things..._

_1. It is in fact possible to walk into a parking meter. I once had a bruise to prove it._

_2. Apparently I was feeling morbid and disturbed when I wrote the crime scene in this one...apologies in advance for any gruesomeness._

_3. This is now officially the longest fic I've ever written (chapter-wise) and I just want to say thank you to all of you for reading and taking the time to review (especially those of you who share your thoughts on every chapter)...it means so much to me that you're all sticking with me through this whole journey. I'm having so much fun writing it and hearing your feedback and suggestions and trying to work those in as well. This fandom is just so wonderful!_

* * *

><p><strong>Wrapped Up In Death<strong>

Unfortunately, their post-bathtub plans for a home-cooked dinner and leisurely evening was spoiled by a call from the precinct, a fresh case with a crime scene that looked pretty messy. Kate didn't receive a lot of details over the phone but from the sounds of it, it wasn't going to be an easy close.

Lovely.

Which was why Kate and Castle were now watching CSU retrieve a mangled body from a dumpster filled with old Chinese food, while Lanie attempted to discern any type of usable information from the revolting mess of remains.

So _not _what Kate wanted to be doing at eight o-clock at night when the fixings for a delicious dinner were now waiting patiently back at home in the fridge. Not that she felt like eating now anyway. And she was pretty sure Chinese food would be off the menu for the foreseeable future.

By the time they'd gathered the usable evidence and witness statements and gotten at least the basic outline of the case set up on the murder board, it was after midnight and the entire team was weary and disgusted and in need of some shut-eye.

Castle and Kate trudged out of the precinct at nearly one in the morning, caught a cab since neither felt much like driving. He was nauseous, had been since the crime scene, and she was just plain exhausted. In fact, by the time they reached the loft, they barely made it to bed before both were out cold.

Another body surfaced the next day in a dumpster a few blocks away from the first, marred with similar injuries and the same awful appearance.

Double homicide. At least.

Again, lovely.

The case stretched on for nearly a week as the team searched for evidence that seemed to be doing its best to elude them. Lead after lead didn't pan out, and by the time Ryan finally put the missing piece into place, Kate was so repulsed and disturbed and exhausted by the whole thing that upon arrival to the loft, she made a beeline for the bathroom and took a scalding hot shower, washing her hair and body three times over.

While she sponged off, Castle spent some much overdue time with Alexis, catching up on the last week and listening to tales of the rest of her days in California, before taking his own hot shower.

Once all traces of the horrid crimes were scrubbed away, he stepped out into the bedroom wearing just boxers, hair damp, water droplets clinging to his eyelashes and tracing lines down his bare chest, and Kate looked up and smiled, the first genuine one all day. Maybe in two or three or four days. She had no idea anymore.

All she knew was that the entire team was run ragged and Castle had bags under his eyes that she was sure matched her own. She just wanted to forget about the last week. She wanted to crawl into a little bubble and block out murder and mayhem and psychotic men who beat the crap out of twenty year old girls and then tossed them into dumpsters just for the twisted thrill of it.

"You okay?" he murmured, crossing the room in a few long strides and slipping into bed next to her.

She shook her head, buried her nose into his neck and just breathed him in, focused on his scent and the two of them in their bed and his solid arms around her.

"I just..." Kate raised her head, forced back the tears that threatened to spill from the corner of her eyes. "People are so horrible sometimes."

"I know," he agreed.

She shifted next to him, unfolded her arms to reveal the journal that was clutched to her chest. Castle's words had always been her safe haven, the thing she turned to when the job or life became too unbearable or overwhelming and she needed to lose herself in something else, something more...hopeful.

Only now, she had a whole new book of his words; words written especially for her. Words that meant so much more, did so much more to calm her, especially when he was right there with her.

"You want to?" he asked softly.

She nodded, allowed him to slide it from her hands and thumb through to the correct page. He skimmed the brief letter, relieved to find that it wasn't a heavy emotional one. Light and comical was exactly what they needed right now.

"Yeah. I just need to forget."

He rested the book on his bent knee, held it in place with one hand while his other wrapped around her waist, held her to him. He feathered his lips across her temple, warm breath washing over her skin as he spoke against her skull. "Okay."

_Dear Kate,_

_You're so cruel! Rigging the coffee machine to blow up on me. Making the chair fall apart when I sat on it. So evil, not to mention that you made me question both my competence and my weight. A person my size shouldn't break a sturdy chair like that. You sure know how to crush a guy's ego._

_And then you know what happened after I supposedly 'broke the curse?' I came home tonight and cut my finger with a knife! Alexis thinks I'm just clumsy but I'm pretty sure there's more to it than that. There's no way all these things would happen to me in such a short period of time if there was no curse._

_There most certainly is a curse. And apparently I'm still under it._

_In that case, I'd better be done writing this now before my pen explodes all over me or the paper spontaneously combusts._

_Until tomorrow, Detective (assuming I don't slip on a banana peel or get hit in the head with a falling hot dog before I see you again)._

_-Castle_

Kate laughed, loud and full, head thrown back, hair cascading over her shoulders in gorgeous, damp curls. All hints of the stress of the last few days were gone, replaced by sparkling eyes and a wide smile. He grinned back at the sight, couldn't _not _smile at her when she looked like that, even if she was laughing at him.

"I shouldn't laugh," she wheezed, hands on her stomach as she tried to catch her breath and calm her twitching abdominal muscles, "but...God, I wish we'd had a camera. The look on your face when the coffee machine went up in smoke...priceless!"

"You really did rig that elevator, didn't you?" he accused.

"No. I promise, that wasn't me."

He leveled her with a clearly disbelieving look.

"Castle, how would I stop an elevator like that?"

"Hack into the controls."

"Right, I went to that much effort to convince you that there really was a curse."

"Well..."

She snorted. "A loose screw had you convinced. I didn't really have to try that hard."

"And a violent dog and an espresso machine mishap and a knife to my finger."

"Like I said, didn't have to try that hard," she teased, patting him on the cheek lovingly.

"You know I was scared of that elevator for a month after that. I thought I might still be cursed."

"You weren't."

"How do you know?"

She rolled her eyes. "Curses don't exist."

"Then explain everything that happened," he challenged.

"Coincidence and dumb luck."

"Even for me that was a pretty big coincidence," Castle admitted.

"Well that's all it was."

"Prove it."

"We happened to meet an unfriendly dog. The elevator was old and had mechanical problems, which they fixed that night, and the next day it worked completely fine. You did who-knows-what to break the curse that never was, went home and cut yourself." She snapped her fingers in refute of his insistent claims. "Dumb luck. Or incompetence. Or both."

"Hey now."

"Well..." she laughed again.

"I don't know if I buy that explanation, Detective."

She raised an eyebrow mischievously, threw him a saucy up-to-no-good smile. "Afraid you might still be cursed?"

"Well I did run into that parking meter a couple weeks back."

Kate snorted at the memory, Castle walking next to her and gesturing animatedly, completely unaware of the parking meter located conveniently in his path. Thankfully the collision spared his more...sensitive areas...and it'd been a point of comic relief in quite a few conversations since.

"Well if you really are still cursed after all this time, I think I know just the way to reverse it," Kate offered.

"Oh really?"

She leaned in to whisper in his ear, felt his thigh muscles twitch beneath her hand as her quiet words washed over him.

Well, if that was what she had in mind...

* * *

><p>By the next morning, Castle was pretty sure there was a zero percent chance that the curse still existed.<p>

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	23. The Late Shaft

_Author's Note: I haven't had a chance to reply to reviews recently, so I'm afraid a mass thank you will have to suffice for now. Know that I read every single one of them. And many thanks to Andy, as usual, for reading over my jumbles of words and convincing me that they make sense!_

* * *

><p><strong>The Late Shaft<strong>

It only took about thirty seconds for Kate to realize that she wouldn't be getting out of bed any time soon. Last night's curse-breaking, for lack of a better phrase, had left her sore enough to be acutely aware of while merely lying still.

Standing probably wasn't going to go well, so instead she melted back into the blankets, spent an inordinately long time gazing adoringly at Castle's sleeping form. She used to roll her eyes at him for staring at her; now, she understood completely.

He drifted back into awareness a few minutes later to find Kate no longer watching him, but instead curled up next to him reading their journal. They seemed to have developed a propensity for getting _distracted _while reading, and leaving the notebook somewhere on their bed to be found at a later date. This time, she'd spotted it wedged between two pillows behind his head, and was now lost once again in the beauty of his words.

Castle stretched his aching muscles, wordlessly snuggled up behind her, propped his chin on her bicep so he could read over her shoulder. She tilted her chin to brush a sweet good morning kiss across his lips before turning back to the page.

_Dear Kate,_

_I feel like I should apologize but I'm not sure for what or to whom. Women are so complicated sometimes. Ellie sleeps with me. You tell me it's just because she wants the part of Nikki Heat. I bring it up to her and she cries. Then you tell me she was just faking the tears. And now I have no clue what to believe._

_No matter what, though, one thing is evidently clear; the last few days were not filled with some of my better ideas. I mean, it seemed great at the time, and we certainly had fun playing it up for the cameras, but maybe that's as far as it should've gone. Then I wouldn't be tied up in this twisted mess of trying to decipher her motives, and you wouldn't be judging me six ways to Sunday. Hell, I'm judging myself now too for making another in a long string of questionable decisions involving the female gender._

_Either way, she's gone now and Alexis will be home any minute, so I'd better stop writing and go put the finishing touches on her welcome home meal._

_(By the way, when I told you I had a date tonight, you were jealous, weren't you? I've never seen you get so riled up so quickly. There's no need to be jealous though. It'll just be a relaxing evening with my daughter.)_

_Good night, Kate._

_-Castle_

"Umm," Castle hedged, closing the book but marking the page with his finger.

"Yes?" Kate asked, rolling over and meeting him with mirth-filled eyes. The incident with Ellie had hurt at the time, more than she'd been willing to admit, but in retrospect it was rather amusing how easily both women had managed to toy with him.

"Can we just forget all of that ever happened?"

"I don't know, seeing you make an ass of yourself on camera was pretty entertaining."

He glared un-menacingly. "Not what I meant."

She patted his cheek. "Yes. I have absolutely no problem with attempting to erase the rest of it from my memory."

Easier said than done, though, as Kate could still recall those few days in detail. She'd refused to accept at the time that she was jealous, but the fact that she remembered exact conversations made it clear that Ellie's presence had made more than a passing impact on her. She remembered being annoyed at Castle for sleeping with her, annoyed at herself for being annoyed at him, and feeling the flares of jealousy curl around her when she'd thought that he might possibly be going out with her again. Not to mention the fact that the actress would be a horrible fit for the roll of Nikki.

She also remembered thinking Castle was incredibly shallow and irritating and clearly spending his time thinking with the wrong body part.

And he was, back then. Still was, to a certain extent, and he was possibly even more irritating now because he had a whole new set of ways to drive her crazy. Good and bad ways.

The most recent incident that came to mind revolved around his appearance on a late-night talk show a couple of months back. The second Nikki Heat movie was still in production, but the hype was starting to increase and the studio had arranged for him to make an appearance.

And this time, Castle had finally convinced Kate to be a member of the audience. It hadn't been an easy process, and it'd taken her three weeks to finally relent and promise to be there. But she'd done it, and though the fact that she ended up on national television caught her completely off guard, she'd handled the media attention with a stoic poker face and been surprisingly okay with the whole thing in the end.

Castle, as usual, had been blown away by her calm demeanor in the face of something he knew she despised.

Now, two months later, Kate couldn't remember the first two-thirds of the interview, but she recalled the last part in vivid detail thanks to the host deciding that it would be entertaining to steer the conversation away from the movie to the 'real life Nikki Heat.'

"_Now for those of you in our audience who don't know, Nikki Heat is actually based on a real person, correct?"_

_Castle nodded. "She is, yes."_

"_And what chain of events led to her creation?"_

_His eyes flicked briefly to Kate's in the front row of the audience, received a small nod of approval from her. Though their relationship wasn't exactly _not_ public, privacy was still paramount and he had no intention of revealing too much._

"_I was called in for questioning in regards to a case, and I found myself drawn in by it. She hated me for it at the time but I wormed my way into shadowing her on cases so I could get some fodder for this new character that was forming in my head. A super smart and witty female detective with the NYPD."_

"_Nikki Heat."_

_He smiled. "Yes."_

"_And this was how long ago now?"_

_"Almost six years."_

"_And she still lets you follow her around, huh?"_

_The audience laughed, as did Castle, sparkling eyes meeting hers through the blurring contrast of the bright stage lights and the darkness that enveloped the crowd._

"_And I hear that she is in the audience with us tonight," the host announced, and Castle stiffened almost imperceptibly, already aware of what was to come. Only because she was so in tune with him did Kate notice, and it gave her a split second to compose herself._

_Sure enough, the cameras turned to her, seated on the left end of the front row, intentionally chosen for the slight amount of privacy it provided. She wore a deep green knee-length dress, hair tied up in a loose but classy side ponytail. For someone who hated publicity, it never failed to amaze Castle just how well she handled the cameras. She always looked amazing and that night was no exception. Smoky eyes and soft pink lips smiled politely into the lenses and she lifted one hand to wave briefly._

"_Wow," the host said as the cheering died down and the cameras returned to angle in on the stage._

"_Yeah," Castle agreed, unable to contain the utterly besotted smile on his face. "She's amazing."_

_Kate was thankful for the darkness as the heat flamed her face, turning her neck and cheeks bright red. Hell, that would have made her blush in private and Castle just announced it to the world on national television._

"Next interview, will you come sit on the couch with me?" he asked, his thoughts completely in sync with hers.

Kate affixed him with a stern glare, the one that proved that someday she was going to make a fantastically disapproving wife.

"Kidding," he amended quickly, reaching out to squeeze her thigh just above the knee. "You know I'm kidding."

She smiled softly, eyes lightening. "I know."

"You're a champ, you know that? You amaze me every single time you step out in public all dressed up like that. Hell, you amaze everyone who walks past you."

She rolled her eyes at his exaggeration. "I highly doubt that."

"It's settled then," he decided, meeting her eyes sincerely, though there was a hint of defiance skating through the normally-light blue, darkening it slightly. "We're going out on a date tonight. You're going to wear something gorgeous and alluring and I'm going to prove to you that every man in the room looks up when you walk through the door."

She rolled her eyes again. "Castle..."

He barreled right through her interjection. "Because maybe then you'll understand why I'm the luckiest guy in the world."

"I..." she hesitated, thrown for a loop. "Uh...okay. We can go on a date tonight."

"Wear a dress," he commanded lightly, fingers dancing across the naked curves of her waist and hips. "And make sure it's one that's easy to take off of you when I'm slightly intoxicated."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	24. Den Of Thieves

_Author's Note: Hey look, quick update! Apparently jealous Castle is really easy to write._

* * *

><p><strong>Den of Thieves<strong>

"So...it's only nine in the morning," Kate said softly against the shell of Castle's ear, felt him shudder at the feeling of her lips and teeth and hot breath caressing the sensitive lobe.

"It is," he managed, voice slightly strained.

She pursed her lips. "We have all day until our date."

Her voice was low and sultry and far too sexy for him to be expected to actually focus on whatever it was she was trying to say. And he knew that she knew exactly what she was doing to him. But he could never bring himself to call her on it because while other men might laugh and call him whipped, he loved being under her spell. She was amazing and it was entrancing and so addicting and he just...he couldn't imagine it any other way.

She was staring at him with wide hazel eyes, a smugness chasing the green flecks around her irises, making them dance and twinkle in the morning light. She raised one eyebrow, a perfect arch, and Castle realized then that it was his turn to say something and he should probably stop being mesmerized by her for long enough to formulate some kind of sentence.

"We do," was all he could come up with.

She smiled, far too proud of herself for reducing him to two-word sentences. "So what shall we do to pass the time?"

"Well I, umm, well..." he stammered.

Kate laughed softly, reached down to snag the journal from his hand and place it on the bed in front of them.

"I...oh."

She grinned, obviously pleased with herself for getting him so worked up without really expending much effort. She raised her eyebrow again, spoke saucily.

"Did you have other plans?"

He swallowed hard, forced back the arousal that was thrumming through his veins and darkening his eyes and lacing his voice.

"No. Of course not."

She smiled knowingly, pressed a hot kiss to his lips before turning her attention back to the journal, to the next letter.

_Dear Kate,_

_I'm not really sure what to say today. I'm so rarely at a loss of words when it comes to you, because there are always new things to learn and discover, and you never fail to amaze me. But what I've learned over the last few days doesn't fall into that category. It was...painful, actually. A slap in the face._

_You met Demming this week. Mr. Too-Smooth Robbery Detective. I don't like him...mainly because he's had his eye on you from the moment he set foot on the Homicide floor. And I don't like it. I'm supposed to be your partner. I'm supposed to be the one you work with every day, the one who brings you coffee every morning._

_Then he came along and walked right over me, took over my coffee duties and apparently also my place on the team. I thought I meant more than that, thought I was at least a little less expendable than that. And it hurts, Kate, to know that you can turn your back so easily just because some new guy walks in and has eyes for you._

_I have eyes for you too. I have for months now, and it goes beyond just wanting to sleep with you. Believe it or not, it's different from when I propositioned you at the end of that first case. I'm not just after you for one night anymore. I don't just see you as a good time that I'll walk away from in the morning. You've become more than that, Kate. I just wish you could see that so you wouldn't be so blinded by _him_._

_He asked me if you and I are an item. It didn't surprise me, really, because he hasn't been subtle about his attraction to you. I told him no, because it was the right thing to do. But now I hate that I chose right over my heart. I didn't think it would be such a big deal...until I had to watch you flirt with him, too. Until I had to watch you smile at him when he walked through the doors, until I heard you turn down my coffee because he'd already brought you some. Until I had to sit outside and watch you two interrogate a suspect together, like I had no real place on the team._

_That hurt, Kate._

_I know you would have killed me but I wish I'd said yes. I wish I'd told him you and I were...something. That wouldn't have been right but it would have hurt a hell of a lot less than this._

_Because the truth is, I do follow you around for research and for fun, because I really enjoy helping with the cases. But there's more to it. I like being with you, getting to know you better, and unraveling the mysteries of you. You're intriguing, Kate. And I don't know exactly what we are or what I want us to be, but it certainly doesn't involve some snooty robbery detective._

_But he's obviously interested in you and it's clearly mutual, so maybe it's time for me to step aside._

_I can't stand the thought of that, but I'll manage. I'll find a way. Fantasies and hopes and dreams have carried me through for the last year and a half; it's not anywhere near enough, but I guess it will have to do._

_-Castle_

"Espo was right," Kate murmured almost to herself as she finished reading.

"Hmmm?"

Her eyes snapped to his as she realized that she spoke the words aloud. "Oh, umm...I just...Esposito was right."

"About?"

"You. Why you were there every day."

"He talked to you about me?" Castle asked in surprise.

She nodded, something akin to regret and pain flashing through her eyes as the memory came crashing back through her consciousness, the sharp edges of his rejection still present.

"When you decided to leave for the summer. I assumed that it was just your last case for a few months but he wasn't convinced that you'd ever come back. He told me that you weren't hanging around to watch me be with someone else."

"Smart man."

"That's why..."

Oh, God.

They'd never had this conversation, had they? She'd never told him what really happened with Demming. But she couldn't very well back out of it now.

"I broke up with him."

"Demming?"

She nodded.

"You already told me that."

"But I didn't tell you why. Or...when."

"When?" he asked in confusion. "It was over the summer, I thought."

She shook her head. "It was before you left, Castle."

His mouth fell open and she watched the regret surface, cast a shadow over his eyes.

"Right before your going-away party. Espo scared me into thinking that you might be leaving for good and that was my moment, I guess you could say. I realized that the thought of not having you around wasn't something I ever wanted. So I broke up with him."

"You never went to that cabin?"

She shook her head. "I was going to ask _you_ if I was still invited to the Hamptons, but then..."

She trailed off then, eyes flicking downward. Completing the sentence wasn't necessary; they both knew exactly what'd happened next.

He dropped his head forward onto her shoulder, sighed heavily. "God, I'm such an idiot. I never knew."

"It's okay," Kate said softly, arms lifting to wrap around him, hold him close.

"It's not."

"No, it is," she assured him, voice steadier than she felt. "It was all wrong then."

The pain would always linger and she knew she'd never forget what it felt like to watch him walk away arm-in-arm with his ex-wife. But their timing had been wrong and Kate knew now that regardless of her feelings for him back then, she wasn't in a place where their relationship would have stood a fighting chance. Neither of them were.

He was still skeptical but indulged her, interested to hear her logic. "How do you figure?"

"We weren't ready. Neither one of us. I was with Tom. You were with Gina."

"But..."

"It wasn't the way to start, Castle. Not when it took you leaving for me to even realize that I didn't want you to go."

He nodded slowly, enveloped her in his arms anyway because though she'd rationalized it in her head, he could see that it still hurt.

"I'm sorry," he murmured. "

"And I'm sorry too," she continued, "for ignoring your feelings."

Castle nudged her head up with his nose so he could press their lips together softly, lovingly.

"We're here now," she whispered against him, lips brushing his as she spoke. "We're here and we're together."

"We are," Castle ceded softly. Because truth be told, he'd do it all over again if that was what it took for them to have their shot at forever. "And we've learned to forgive and move on, and that's what's important."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	25. Food To Die For

_Author's Note: Fluffy? Yes. Cheesy? Probably. But I figured we could all use a little reprieve from jealous and hurt Castle. _

* * *

><p><strong>Food To Die For<strong>

"Keep going?" he asked softly a few minutes later.

The repercussions of the last letter were still hanging in the air, dampening their moods as these old issues resurfaced. Castle had known from the beginning that this could happen, and this wasn't even the worst of the letters. Not by a long shot.

But he also knew that they had a pattern of not talking about things, to the point of nearly destroying them. And though they'd at times forced to talk it out, they'd never bothered to go back and touch on the difficulties and heartbreak of the past.

And though they could overlook things for the most part, accept that they'd each made their fair share of mistakes, it was good for them to clear the air. He could feel their connection deepening each time they stepped back into the past and actually talked things over. Already this morning he'd learned something vital about her, about them.

She'd cared for him much earlier than he'd ever realized. He'd moved on too quickly and nearly lost his chance. Not that he ever would have been able to truly move on from her.

"Yeah," Kate replied softly, tearing him from his melancholy jumble of thoughts.

He nodded absently and she could see by the blankness of his eyes that he was still lost in his mind.

"Castle," she called softly, her clear voice drawing his eyes into focus. "It's over. Don't dwell on it. It won't do any good."

He shook his head, snapping out of the spiral of his thoughts and pushing them firmly to the back of his mind. "I know. It's just...I never realized, and I hate that I was so blind."

"You weren't," she reminded him. "I was the blind one, Castle."

"I just..."

She silenced him with a firm kiss, lips moving over his with purpose. It was a moment before he responded, but as he did, she felt him relax into her, knew she'd successfully distracted him.

She pulled away first, leaving a lingering peck on his lips as she settled back into his embrace. "Read," she commanded before his brain had a chance to revert to its previous train of thought.

_Dear Kate,_

_Little Castle babies, huh? I had no idea you felt that way. I thought you couldn't stand me. But I do have to admit that I'm flattered. And intrigued. I mean, I've seen you with kids and I know you're good with them. You're a natural. I just never knew you actually wanted them. Especially not with me. But if you want to..._

_To be honest, I've essentially given up on having more children. It's just not plausible, you know? I love being a father. It's the single best and most rewarding thing I've ever done in my life. And I've always wanted to give Alexis a sibling, but I figure my chances for that have pretty much run out. Of course, I've never dreamed that I might have a legitimate chance with you._

_This is all hugely hypothetical of course, because in what world do I even have a chance to kiss you, let alone have children with you? I have no idea if Maddie was even serious in her assessment, or if you agree with her. I'm guessing you don't. But hey, life is all about the unexpected, and this falls pretty solidly within that category._

_Little Castle babies._

_Who knew?_

_I'll even play Mr. Mom again so you can continue to be a badass Detective every day._

_Just let me know when you're ready to get started on that. I'm game whenever you are. And even if you're not ready just yet, well, a little practice never hurt anyone. I look forward to it, Kate._

_-Castle_

"Would you want to stay home?" she asked, curious eyes searching his face.

"Uh," he stammered, the question catching him off guard. To be honest, he hadn't really thought much beyond the fact that he was someday going to have a child with Kate Beckett, because that thought alone still blew his mind. "I...of course I'd want to. But I'd want you to as well. It's amazing to watch them grow and you don't want to miss a second of it. I want you to experience that too."

She smiled broadly, eyes shining with love for her wonderful partner and his consideration and enthusiasm and pure love for her. He made it a point to tell her quite often that he thought she was incredible and extraordinary and so many other adjectives that she wasn't sure she could ever deserve, because really, it was her who should be saying those things to him.

"You're amazing," she whispered, lifting up to press her lips to his.

He kissed her back with added fervor, tongue relentless in its exploration of her mouth. His hands traveled over as much skin as they could reach from their slightly awkward position and the journal fell to the bed, bounced, and tumbled to the floor amidst a pile of clothing from the previous night. Kate wrapped her arms around him, holding him to her with everything she had as their lips tangled fiercely, hotly, igniting the flames that always simmered just beneath the surface.

Gradually their fiery passion faded to a slow burn as their kisses became gentler, touches lighter. Kate smiled against him as they stayed frozen in place, noses nuzzling together as their lips brushed gently.

At long last, Castle lifted his head, radiant eyes finding hers in the dim aura of the bedroom.

She pressed one more soft kiss to his lips, pulled away with a sweet smile.

"I love you so much."

* * *

><p>The date was fantastic. She wore a form-fitting red dress and matching red heels, smoky makeup lining her eyes, her hair cascading over her shoulders in gorgeous ringlet curls, and every head in the room turned when she walked in the door. She wasn't usually one to go for flashy, especially when out with Castle, because it only drew more attention to them, but she had to admit that by the end of the evening she felt an immense sense of power over the other diners.<p>

They had reservations at a high-class Italian restaurant in Manhattan, complete with wine and delicious food and absolutely decadent desserts that had Kate wishing she'd worn a looser dress by the end of the night.

But Castle was right; eyes were on her almost constantly, her curves and long legs accentuated by her choice of clothing. And she could blame it on the dress, or the shoes...which probably played into it...but she knew that it was more than that. She could feel it in the air of the room, in the way Castle went from incredibly proud to be out with her to bordering on possessive by the end of the night when she'd been ogled by more than one person.

"See what I mean?" he whispered in her ear as they slid out of the cab in front of the loft.

"Hmmm?" she hummed, unable to think clearly under the influence of three glasses of wine and the heat of Castle's possessiveness. She'd never admit it, but she was so completely turned on by it.

"All night, everyone's been staring at you. All night."

"This was your idea," she reminded him as they made their way to the door, politely greeted the doorman.

"I know. And I'm regretting it."

"Yeah?" She batted her eyelashes up at him as they waited for the elevator, her body crowding into his.

"They were staring at you."

She raised an eyebrow. "That's what you wanted, right?"

"You're mine," he hissed as the doors slid open, welcoming them inside. Thank God it was empty. The moment the doors closed he had her pressed up against the side wall, lips sucking mercilessly at her neck, hands firmly cupping her ass, pressing the delicious curves of her body against the hard planes of his, and God, she loved when he took the lead like this, so unchained and wild.

"Mine," he breathed against her skin, his hot breath on her neck sending chills down her spine.

"Yours, huh?" she asked breathily, eyes dark with arousal but sparkling with a dangerous deviance.

He kissed her again, hot and fierce, and God, they needed to be inside his loft right now before they wound up naked in the elevator.

"Mine," he repeated, fingers and lips still tormenting her in all the best ways.

Kate pulled back gently, leaving a lingering kiss on his lips and calming his raging passion. She raised her hands, cupped his jaw and met his eyes with complete sincerity.

"Don't worry, Rick," she said softly, assuredly. "I don't want to be anyone else's."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	26. Overkill & A Deadly Game

_Author's Note: I wasn't planning to combine these two. I really wasn't. But then I sat down to write and this happened and it just worked out better this way. So here you have it...the final chapter of season 2._

* * *

><p><strong>Overkill &amp; A Deadly Game<strong>

She was curled up in his office chair reading the final pages of Nikki Heat when the door to the loft clicked open. It was a Monday night and Castle had spent the majority of the day in meetings. The next book was nearly ready to be sent in for final edits, and as such, it was time to begin planning the rest of his publicity events for the summer and fall.

As usual, the meeting had run long, and with Alexis off at her new internship, Kate had found herself alone in the silence of the loft. So she'd been reading, allowing herself to get lost in the world of Nikki and Rook.

Footsteps across the loft and a shadow falling over the room finally tore her eyes from the final words and up into the tired eyes of her partner. Castle looked stressed, as was par for the course after long meetings, but happy to see her. His eyes lit up as he took in her casual clothes, the book in her hand, the way she was smiling softly up at him.

"Hey."

"Hey," she breathed, setting the book aside and reaching up for him as he neared, pulling him down into a slightly awkward hug.

He kissed her softly, breathed her in.

"How was it?"

He shrugged, slipped off his coat and tossed it over the back of the chair. "Long. But we've got the schedule mostly set."

"That's good."

"Yeah." He deposited his iPad on the desktop, eyes catching on the book. "You're reading."

"Just finished, actually. Good timing."

His eyes were fixated on the cover still. "Why that one?"

"Huh?"

He gestured to the novel. "_Naked Heat_."

She shrugged. "It was out. What's wrong with it?"

I'm not..." he paused, "not as proud of that one."

"But you wrote it," Kate pointed out.

Castle sighed. "And at the time, writing it was cathartic. Now...I don't know, I wish it'd been different."

She considered him for a few moments. "What would you have done instead? What would_ they_ have done?"

He shrugged, loosened the top button on his shirt and toed off his shoes. "I don't know, really. I hadn't written much before I left that summer. I'd tentatively outlined it, but when I got there I couldn't write it that way. Hell, I couldn't write much of anything decent."

She looked away, eyes cast down in shame. "Oh."

"Hey," he called softly, bringing her gaze up to his own. He crouched down, hands on her knees so they were eye to eye. "Don't blame yourself. You know we were both at fault for the way things were that summer. And besides, it made for a better story this way."

Kate laughed softly and Castle smiled too, lightening the mood a bit as had been his intention.

She looked from the book to his laptop and back to him, was struck with a sudden thought. "Did you..."

"Did I?" he prompted when she trailed off warily.

"You said you couldn't write, but did you...to me, I mean."

Recognition dawned in his eyes and they softened. "Just once. I tried to more than that. Thought it would help, but it just hurt. Don't," he pleaded sharply, cutting her off as she opened her mouth to speak. "Don't apologize. You were no more at fault than I was."

She blinked hard, willed back the tears that threatened. She still felt guilty, but she also knew that he was right.

"Can we read it?"

"The letters?"

She nodded.

"Sure." He pressed his lips to hers softly, stood to retrieve the notebook.

When he returned, Kate stood too, gesturing for him to sit and then curling onto his lap. He wrapped an arm around her waist and her right one fell to his chest while her left rose to hold open the page.

"You sure?" he double checked.

She could do this. She could. And she needed to. They needed to.

"Yeah."

_Dear Kate,_

_He kissed you today. And you kissed him back. _

Kate closed her eyes, exhaled slowly. She'd been trying to keep it private. Trying to make sure nobody saw. She shook her head slightly, focused back on the page.

_And I want that to be me, Kate._

_I thought I'd made that overly apparent, but maybe I haven't or maybe it's just not meant to be and I should move on and stop hoping you'll notice me someday. Maybe I'm not what you're looking for, or maybe you're just way out of my league. Maybe it's time for me to let go._

_I guess we don't always get what we want._

_I don't know what to do, to be honest. I don't want to walk away but I don't know if I can just stand here and watch you two be together every day. It's starting to become too painful to just ignore and I'm losing hope that it's just a passing thing. He obviously adores you and judging by events today, you're falling for him pretty quickly._

_I'm falling for you, too, you know. Falling really hard. But I guess that's not enough._

_I should walk away. Leave you two in peace. But I can't._

_It's selfish. I know it is. But I can't help it. I care about you, Kate. I think we could be really great together. All I'm asking is for you to give me a chance._

_-Castle_

"I'm sorry," Kate whispered.

"It's okay," he replied, an echo of her words from a few days earlier when this same topic first arose. "Like you said, we weren't ready."

"I know." She buried her nose in his neck, breathed him in. "But we could've had two more years."

"Or we could've had a few months and then crashed and burned," he offered in counterpoint.

"Do you..." she blinked hard, lifted her chin to meet his eyes. "Do you think we would have?"

Castle shrugged, gently caressing her cheek with his thumb. "I don't know," he replied honestly. "There's no way we'll ever know. But at least this way, we worked out all the kinks first, you know?"

Well, not all of them. But most of the worst of it.

"Yeah, I guess," Kate agreed. She paused and Castle could sense the thoughts swirling in her head, quietly awaited her next words. "Did you...were you really going to leave?"

"I don't know." He sighed heavily. "I thought about it. I thought it'd hurt less if I just walked away from you then. But I missed you so much all summer that I don't think I could've stayed away forever."

"Then why didn't you come back right away?"

"What do you mean?"

"You were back in town...obviously, since I arrested you. But you hadn't...called."

He ran a heavy hand across his forehead, met her eyes, and in his blue depths she could see deep-seated regret. "I was waiting until after the book release, because I had signings and meetings and a lot of other things. But honestly, I was dreading what might've happened in my absence."

"You mean...?"

"With him," he offered.

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Kate settled back into the cradle of his body, flipped tentatively to the next page of the journal and lifted questioning eyes to his.

"There's one more," he answered in anticipation of her next words. "From over the summer."

She let the page fall into place, found herself staring at another sheet of Castle's familiar scrawl, this one nearly full.

_Dear Kate,_

_I miss you._

_I don't know what I was thinking when I decided to leave for the whole summer, but it was a terrible idea. Well actually, I know exactly what I was thinking. I was thinking that I couldn't stand an entire summer of watching you and Demming make goo-goo eyes at each other. I treasure the time you and I spend together but it was becoming too painful._

_And since things were obviously tense with both of us around and he's the actual cop, I figured I should step aside. Given that I still haven't heard from you, I assume I haven't really been missed._

_I also thought that maybe if I wasn't with you every day, I'd stop having feelings for you. I thought that out here, away from you and the precinct and the city, maybe I'd be able to forget about you and move on from something that's obviously never going to happen._

_I even brought Gina, because I figured she'd help take my mind off of you. And I've been with her before, so I knew that we could make it work without too much effort on my part._

_Turns out the joke was on me, because it just doesn't work that way, Kate. It's been a month and I still can't stop thinking about you. It's wrong, because I shouldn't be waking up next to one woman while thinking of another, but I can't help myself. At first I thought that maybe it would fade with time, you know? It's been long enough now that I know better. It's not going to go away, no matter how hard I try. But I'm going to stick with it, because what other choice do I have? Even if I do go back to the precinct, I can't continue this way. I have to move on. Maybe if I fake it long enough, I'll eventually be able to believe it._

_And the fact that I still have to finish this book isn't helping, because how can I write Nikki without thinking of you? I guess my only reprieve is that I can give Nikki and Rook the ending you and I are never going to have._

_I know I shouldn't be writing this letter, because it's certainly not helping me get over my feelings for you, but I need to get this out. And maybe someday, by some crazy twist of fate, you'll read this and realize that I'm here and that I care about you. A lot._

_Maybe someday I'll dare to hope again._

_For now, I'll just keep reminding myself that sometimes you have to settle for second best._

_-Castle_

Silence fell, but as Kate turned her head to meet Castle's eyes, she could see that no words were needed. She'd pushed him away. He'd left. And she'd watched him walk away.

A million things could've been different that summer, but the reality was that they hadn't been. Choices had been made and prices had been paid, and the consequences had nearly torn them apart irreparably.

But they were stronger for all of that.

And they were stronger for reading about it now, too. For talking things through and sharing in each other's pain of the past.

They were stronger together.

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts? Who else is excited for season 3?<em>

_As usual, suggestions for the upcoming letters are most welcome!_


	27. A Deadly Affair

_Author's Note: You would think summer would mean I'd have _more _time to write. Apparently, not so. I apologize for the slower updates, but know that I'm not forgetting about this story. It's still my goal to be caught up by the beginning of season 5!_

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><p><strong>A Deadly Affair<strong>

"You let me win, didn't you?" Castle exclaimed, attempting to look affronted but only coming off as adorable. Sitting cross-legged on the bed wearing pajamas and messy hair made it very difficult for him to be intimidating. In fact, it made it difficult for him to be anything but ridiculously handsome.

"What? No!" Kate denied. He really didn't need to know that she had three queens while he had something resembling a random assortment of non-facecards.

"Liar."

Kate tossed a pile of cards at him, folded her arms across her chest in a very over-dramatic fashion that made it evident that she'd been spending far too much time bonding with his mother. He loved that they got along so well - except at times like this.

She raised her eyebrow in challenge and he snorted disbelievingly, began stacking up the cards and sliding them back into the box.

It'd been poker night tonight. Castle had invited his author buddies over for a few games this evening and, as par for the course, Kate had made herself scarce for the majority of it. He'd roped her in to joining them once or twice before, but for the most part she preferred to sit on the sidelines. Or, in this case, in their room with a good book, completely avoiding the men and their literary conversations interlaced with plenty of good-natured ribbing.

But they'd finally cleared out a about an hour ago, and after cleaning up, Castle had appeared in their room with the deck of cards, thoroughly riled up from losing to Patterson. So despite the fact that it was almost midnight, Kate had decided to humor him. Well, right up to the very end when it became obvious that he was going to get his ass kicked. Again.

So she threw her hand.

"You say that like you've _never_ let me win anything before," he continued when she offered no response.

"I haven't!" Kate protested.

"What about the first time I invited you over for poker night?"

"No that's - we let each other win," she stuttered, recalling how irritated she'd been when she'd found out Castle threw his hand that night. "We're even now."

"There was another time, too," he tossed out randomly.

"No there...oh," she trailed off, a strange mix of emotions flashing through her eyes. Damn him and his interrogation abilities. She'd taught him well. Too well, it appeared.

Castle raised an eyebrow, far too sexy to be happening in the middle of an argument, no matter how friendly it may be.

"Oh, what?"

"Nothing," she shot back far too quickly.

One arm snaked out towards the spot on her side, just below her bra line. Her weak spot.

Fortunately for her, she noticed the movement, wriggled out of his grasp before he could really get a hold of her. Unfortunately, by doing so, she ended up with her back against the headboard, trapped by his body as he scooted closer, looming over her.

"Care to revise your previous statement?" he asked in a low voice, hands bracing themselves on her sides, thumbs teasing just below her most ticklish areas.

"No," she panted breathily, the word slipping out with no real thought on her part.

He wriggled his thumbs higher and she squirmed beneath him. "You sure about that?"

"Yes," she managed, still mostly composed.

His teeth latched onto her ear lobe, bit down gently. "Positive?" he breathed.

"N...no," she stuttered, voice shaky, resolve disappearing at the feeling of his tongue on her skin, hot and wet and _so good_.

He loosened his grip then, dropped a quick kiss on her lips and then sat back. His hands came to rest on her knees, eyes fixed on hers eagerly. "So when was this other incident?"

Kate rolled her eyes, should've known he wouldn't drop it so easily. "At the precinct."

"The precinct?"

"We made a bet. Right after that summer..."

There could only be two possible 'that summers,' and considering that there was nothing resembling a bet following her shooting, she had to be referring to the summer before that. Right after that would've meant his first case back.

The one where she arrested him, the case with the counterfeit...oh.

"You figured it out first?"

Kate smiled, though she did have the decency to look at least a little bit guilty.

"You let me win?"

She nodded, rested a hand over his on her knee and squeezed.

"You wanted me back?"

Her smile blossomed now, spreading across her face because yes, she'd missed him and yes, she'd wanted him back, even if she'd been more than a little mad at him at the time.

"Yeah," she admitted softly. "I kinda did."

"So you..." he thought back, unable to recall the exact words. But he could recall enough to realize that she'd been guiding him in the right direction the entire time.

"Yeah."

"Tricky."

She shrugged easily.

He smiled, lifted a hand to cup her jaw, drew her in. "I'm about three years late," he said in a low voice, pausing to kiss her briefly, "but thanks for taking me back."

"Well, you know," she said teasingly, nuzzling her nose against his, "there was still more Nikki Heat. I had to give you something to write about."

Laughter rang out at that dispelling the tension_._

"Speaking of writing..." he began once they'd calmed, reached over to grab their journal from his bedside table.

"Did you?" she asked, her usual enthusiasm slightly dampened by the possibility of his answer being 'no.'

He flipped it open, thumbed through to the bookmarked page and checked the date at the top corner. Despite the large gaps during their first three summers, he was fairly certain he'd only ever skipped one case.

"Yeah. Want to?"

She nodded, shifted over so he could lean against the headboard next to her, knees curled up parallel to hers.

Kate rested against him, shoulder to shoulder, and together they stepped back into the third year of their partnership.

_Dear Kate,_

_It's been a while since I've even opened this notebook, and I'm not really sure where to start. I didn't have much of a reason to write the last few months. I wanted to. I tried a few times, sat down and opened this up, but I just couldn't find the words. Pathetic, right? A writer who can't find the words...not even for his inspiration._

_Then again, I haven't been overly inspired as of late. But the book is out and I'm back at the precinct and you let me back as your shadow...maybe things are starting to look up again._

_I still don't understand why you and the guys were so mad at me. Still are, perhaps. I'm not completely convinced that Ryan and Esposito have forgiven me yet, and I'm pretty sure that whatever it is that's upsetting them, it has to do with more than me being found with two dead bodies. Especially once you knew I was innocent on both counts._

_I'm pretty sure it has to do with me being gone, but I can't figure out why that was such a big deal to the guys. It's not like I was a real part of the team anyway. I'm not even a cop. And I really did have to finish the book. Maybe I shouldn't have left for so long. Or maybe I should've called. I have a feeling that your questions in interrogation were about more than just the case. Perhaps I should've come back before my book release rather than after, as I'd been planning. Maybe I could have done a lot of things differently._

_But that still doesn't explain the anger._

_In retrospect, I wish I'd spent the summer in the precinct rather than the Hamptons, especially now that I know that you and Demming broke up. That was the main reason I left, you know. It was too painful to watch. But if he's out of the picture, I guess I could have come back sooner without having to worry about his presence._

_But it's over and done with, and all I can do now is move forward. I just hope that somewhere in that process, you and the guys can find a way to forgive me for whatever it is that I've unknowingly done._

_Regardless, I know this: I'm not proud of the choices I made. Of choosing to walk away, removing you from my life so completely. Believe me, leaving you was the last thing I wanted to do. But I also wanted to do what was right. I wanted to give you two space. In the end, though, I did was what was best for myself. I was a coward. And I'm sorry._

_The truth is, aside from my family, working with you is the highlight of my days. And I know I'm not really a cop, but you've admitted that you like having me around. I know from your actions that you've come to rely on me at least to a small extent. And in light of that, I shouldn't have left the way I did. I shouldn't have turned my back on all of that._

_Is that why the guys are mad at me? Because I let you down?_

_I don't know,_

_And I don't know if it helps at all, but I missed you every single day. All summer long._

_So consider this my apology, my promise that I'll never walk away from you again._

_I'm sorry, Kate._

_Please forgive me._

_-Castle_

She fell silent as they finished reading, and it was Castle who spoke first.

"What did you..." he quickly trailed off, second-guessing the wisdom of his question.

She raised an eyebrow, urged him on, but he shook his head.

"What, Castle?"

He sighed, ran a hand through his hair, ruffling the edges slightly. "No, I shouldn't ask."

"Rick." Kate rested a hand over his on her knee, looked directly into his eyes. "You know you can ask me anything."

"I know, but..." he trailed off again. "Can and should are two different things."

"Never know unless you try," she urged with a shrug.

The silence stretched before he spoke. "What did you do that summer? Without Demming, I mean?"

Her eyes flicked down briefly, the pain from those months alone flashing through their depths. But as quickly as it appeared, it was gone, stifled by the passage of time.

"Worked a lot. Spent some time with my dad. Went out with Lanie a couple of times." She shrugged offhandedly. "Did whatever I could to forget about you and the fact that you'd left with your ex."

"Is that why the guys were so mad at me?"

"What do you mean?"

"When I came back. Or, when you arrested me. I mean, I know you were upset, but I never understood why they were so mad."

"Because you left and left me standing in that hallway."

"Wait, they knew?"

"Castle, they saw us standing there talking. They saw Gina walk up, and they saw you guys leave together. And I was upset. It doesn't take a genius to do the math."

His shoulders slumped forward slightly, head bowed. He knew they'd moved on from this incident now. Hell, they'd already talked all of this through. But he still hated himself for walking away.

"So the guys were mad at me on your behalf?"

"Pretty much."

"That's...sweet," he offered.

Kate smiled in spite of herself, recalling how Ryan and Espo had spent the entire summer trying to cheer her up. From little smiles to coffee to offering to destroy Castle's chair and hunt him down and kick his ass.

Kate was sure she hadn't exactly been fun to work with that summer, knew that she'd snapped at the guys more than once for trying to cheer her up when all she'd wanted to do was be mad and irritated and have a bad day. But at the end of the day, she loved them a little more for it.

"It was annoying at times," she admitted, a small smile still lifting the corners of her mouth. "But yeah, it was a nice gesture."

"I'm glad you have people looking out for you like that, having your back, you know?" Castle replied, setting the journal aside and lifting an arm to wrap around her shoulders. "It makes me feel better about the days I'm not there with you."

"I didn't have a partner for a long time, you know?" Kate pointed out.

"I know." He kissed her temple softly, nuzzled his nose into her hair, inhaling the scent of cherries and something else that he could never put a name to, but that was undeniably Kate. "But everyone needs to have someone to watch out for them. And to love them. And that's my job now."

On one hand, she hated knowing that Castle had taken on that burden. But on the other, she felt the same about him and she knew that there was nothing she could do to change his mind. There'd been multiple fights on the matter, and Kate had finally relented because, really, what else could she do without being completely hypocritical?

"I know," she murmured, tilted her chin to capture his lips.

The kiss was lazy and lingering, their lips barely brushing as they breathed deeply, exhales caressing each other's faces. At long last, Kate dropped her chin, tucked her head into the crook of his neck. Castle set the journal aside, wrapped his other arm around her, encasing her in his warmth. He felt her body go slack against his, and as her breathing slowed, Castle allowed himself to relax, meld the planes of his body against the curves of hers.

He wasn't sure which one of them mumbled the words as they drifted off, but he thought it might've been her.

"Mmmm, love you."

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><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	28. He's Dead, She's Dead & Under The Gun

_Author's Note: These are two of my favorite episodes from season 3! In case anyone was dying to know..._

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><p><strong>He's Dead, She's Dead &amp; Under The Gun<strong>

Twelve forty seven a.m.

Kate squinted at the corner of her computer screen, forced her eyes to focus on the tiny numbers. Yep. That's really what it said. After midnight. Which meant that she'd been here for eighteen hours straight, taken only a short break for lunch. Hell of a day.

Kate scrubbed a tired hand across her face, leaned wearily against the back of her chair. She was exhausted and Ryan and Esposito looked haggard as well. But this was a high profile case and Gates had made it very clear that it was to be solved quickly and without any loose ends.

Hence, the late night at the precinct.

Kate scanned the listings on her computer again, willing her eyes to read just a little clearer. She had to be missing something.

Ryan and Esposito were at their desks, surrounded by piles of financials and phone records, searching through them with a fine-toothed comb for the third time. So far, all three of them had come up empty.

The ding of the elevator echoed through the silence, causing all three detectives to nearly jump out of their chairs in surprise. Ryan and Esposito glanced up, offered a tired wave before turning back to their paperwork, but Kate lifted bleary eyes to find Castle walking towards her, coffee cup in one hand, something else in the other, a tired smile in his eyes.

He wordlessly leaned over to set the coffee on her desk, sank into his chair. She could see the disappointment dancing behind his eyes because she'd promised to be home by ten and that was almost three hours ago. But she also saw the understanding because though they'd reached an agreement about priorities and family time, he also knew that there was the occasional case that required long hours, and for those, he'd make an exception. He knew how much her job meant to her. How much it'd come to mean to him as well.

"Thanks," she said softly, taking a long swig of the liquid, feeling the caffeine seep through her veins. She was so far past tired by now that she wasn't sure how much it would help. But it was the thought that counted.

He nodded, leaned back and crossed his left ankle over his right knee, eyes still fixed on her.

"I'm sorry," she murmured, watched his features soften at her words.

"It's okay," he assured her, reaching out to cover her hand on her desk. "I understand."

And he did, because he was amazing, but she still felt bad about it. About leaving him alone, breaking her promise.

"Take a break for a bit?"

She wanted to protest, wanted to keep plugging away despite the futility of her efforts. But he'd shown up in the middle of the night with coffee and she was really in no state to turn him down.

"Sure."

He reached out a hand and she took it without hesitation, allowed him to pull her to her feet. She snatched up her coffee at the last minute, took another sip as she began to follow him across the bullpen, into the break room and onto the couch.

He guided her into his lap and she went easily, toeing off her heels and curling up against him. She wrapped an arm around his torso, held on tightly, and Castle dropped a kiss on the top of her head in response. It wasn't often that physical contact occurred at the precinct but it was late and she was tired and Gates was gone. And it wasn't as though anyone else would protest if they happened to walk into the room to see them curled up on the sofa.

Kate clung to her coffee cup like a lifeline as she settled in, but Castle maneuvered around to slide it from her hands, set it on the table. As he righted himself, he pulled out their journal, lifted it and began thumbing through the pages.

"You brought it?" she asked softly, only vaguely remembering seeing him with it as he'd stepped off the elevator.

He nodded, flipped one more page and slipped the bookmark to the back, out of the way.

"Thought it might help," he said quietly.

She hummed in agreement, and Castle's right hand wove into her hair, guided her head down against his chest.

"Close your eyes," he urged gently. "I'll read."

_Dear Kate,_

_I guess it shouldn't really surprise me that you don't believe in fate and magic and things of the sort. Given your past, I can understand why you feel the way that you do. And I realize that there's probably very little I can do to change your mind, but I'm going to try. Because I care about you, and I want you to see that despite your mother's death, there's still magic in the world. And that there can still be magic in your life, too._

_There is so much beauty in the unknown, in the things that happen without a tangible reason. And I wish that you could see that, feel it, experience it. I wish you'd had a few more years of believing in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy and monsters under your bed. I wish you hadn't had the innocence stolen from your life at nineteen. I wish you'd been able to hang onto that, not have your illusions shattered._

_That's why I'm writing this, to help you put them back together again. To help you believe._

_I know it can be scary, handing over your control to something that you can't see or physically prove even exists. But you have to just trust me on this...take a step back sometime and just let the powers that be take over. Let it be and see what happens. After all, everything worthwhile begins by taking a terrifying leap. Who knows what might become of this if you give it a chance?_

_Sometimes I have to convince myself of this too, you know. I still struggle with it at times. I know that compared to you my life hasn't been all that difficult. But I've had my own trials and difficulties and sometimes it's hard to see past all of that. It's hard to see the bigger picture._

_For example: I've been divorced. Twice. And there are so many different scenarios that could have played out if something had gone differently. If my first marriage hadn't fallen apart, Alexis might have a sibling. If the second one had lasted, who knows what would've happened. And for the longest time, I regretted what I hadn't accomplished, regretted what could have been._

_But now, in retrospect, it's so much clearer. The bigger picture. I'd probably still have met you, but things wouldn't be the same between us if I'd still been married. I may not have stuck around, and I certainly wouldn't have kept coming back simply because I had a crush on you._

_Big picture. At the time it all seemed so unfair, but now I wouldn't trade it for a thing. Not when it means that I get to spend my days with you._

_I know you'd say it's all just coincidence that you were on that case and crashed my party, that I decided to shadow you and stick around. But I think there was something more involved. It was like the universe knew that I was blocked, in need of inspiration. And then you walked into my life and turned everything upside down. Coincidence? I think not._

_If you're reading this, you're probably rolling your eyes right now. You're probably about to tell me that I'm ridiculous for even thinking such things. But I firmly believe it, Kate. You walked into my life for a reason, and I'm still not entirely sure the full extent of it, but I truly believe that more lies ahead for us._

_One of these days, maybe we'll have an opportunity to find out._

_And one of these days, I'm going to convince you to believe in magic._

_-Castle_

By the time he finished reading, her body was limp, breathing deep and slow. He set the notebook aside, wrapped his other arm around her and held her closer. She breathed him in deeply, raised an arm to cling to his bicep, and it was only that which let him know that she was still awake.

"Keep going," she murmured, and though Castle would've loved to talk about this letter with her, see if she was any closer now - because at times, he thought she almost believed - now wasn't the time. And if reading more was what it took to relax her, make her take a break from work, then he'd keep going all night long.

"Okay," he whispered, flipped the page.

She re-situated on his lap, curled her hand into the collar of his shirt.

Tonight, she just wanted to lose herself in him and his warmth and his words and the soft resonance of his voice.

Tomorrow, she'd tell him exactly how much this meant to her.

_Dear Kate,_

_Sometimes you make me dread having a teenage daughter, especially when you tell me stories of Harleys and black leather and wild child phases. My daughter is so _not_ becoming that type of girl. No way. I don't care if you say every girl goes through it. There's no way Alexis would wear leather and do...well, who knows what else you did. She'd never do that. You probably disagree, but I'm her father, and I know that she's not having a wild child phase. I refuse to even consider the possibility._

_Now that I'm thinking about it, you as a teenager is a scary thought. And now you've got me scared that it's going to happen with Alexis. Women and their wily, manipulative powers always seem to find a way to mess with my head. And thanks to you, I'm becoming paranoid._

_No. Absolutely not. Teenage Alexis is not going to be like teenage Kate, no matter how much I think I'd have enjoyed hanging out with teenage Kate._

_But then you turn around and do something incredible, and it makes me want her to become exactly the type of woman you are. Confident. Strong, yet not afraid to be vulnerable at times. Someone who always stands up for what's right, even if it's not popular. And the layers of your heart and mind...your ability to forgive. I learn something new about you every day and it just...it always blows me away. I want my daughter to be like that, too._

_Maybe there's a way for her to turn out like you without going through the wild child phase in the interim._

_Either way, I'd never wish upon her what you've been through these last couple days. No one deserves that, especially not someone like you, who spends every day fighting for what's right and good in a world that's wronged you in the worst way possible._

_You said it was for a trace, but I know you weren't lying on the phone, Kate. I could see in the way you looked at him that there were feelings there; feelings that'd been deeply hurt at some point in the past. I could tell you were in pain, that you wanted to cry. And I just wanted to wrap you in my arms and take it all away, even though I know it doesn't work that way._

_One person should never have to suffer so much betrayal, Kate. I hate how many people have betrayed you, let you down. I hate that it's damaged your trust, your faith in people. I hate that you have to carry it with you every day, when it is a burden that no one should ever have to bear. I hate that I can't take it away from you, no matter what I do._

_And I know I've hurt you in the past, betrayed your trust, but I hope I never end up causing you as much pain as you felt these last couple of days._

_I hope that one day, I can make you smile and forget about all of that._

_One day..._

_-Castle_

"You do," she murmured as he finished reading, lifted heavy eyes to his.

He gazed at her with curious eyes, silent plea for an explanation.

"Make me smile," she continued, voice low in the muted light. "Make me forget."

He hugged her tighter, breathed her in. "I'm glad."

She buried her face back into his shirt, still exhausted but much more at ease now. Less tense, less stressed.

"Me too."

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><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	29. Punked

_Author's Note: Because it's my birthday, and I'm doing things backwards...this is my present to all of you today!_

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><p><strong>Punked<strong>

"Castle?" Kate murmured into the silence, curling further into him in the late morning light.

"Hmmm?"

"Thank you."

He snuggled up behind her, her back to his chest, nuzzled into her neck. She shivered as his breath fanned across her skin, melted deeper into him and his warmth and their bed.

"For what?"

"Last night."

She'd ended up staying snuggled in his arms on the break room couch for about half an hour before he gently coaxed her to her feet, convinced her to leave the case for the night. She'd set an alarm when they got home, fully intending to be back in the precinct early this morning, but Gates had called at six a.m., reporting that CSU had run into a complication. Kate was far too exhausted to remember much of the conversation after that but she did latch onto the fact that due to its sensitive nature, the investigation was being put on hold until a new set of results came back this afternoon.

And then she'd rolled over and gone back to sleep.

Now she and Castle were both awake, lazing in bed, as they didn't have to be to the precinct for another couple of hours. Kate was still sluggish from the late night and from sleeping in, this case wreaking havoc on her normal sleep schedule. But she'd regained enough presence of mind now to be incredibly thankful for Castle and the way he'd taken care of her last night.

"That's what partners are for," he reminded her, and she shivered again at the whisper of his lips on her skin.

"I know, but...I feel like I don't thank you enough."

He gently rolled her over so they were face to face, met her eyes deeply. "You know you don't have to."

She smiled, kissed him instead, because she knew from past experience that this line of conversation could go back and forth all day. And kissing him usually proved a very effective way to shut him up.

"Did it help?" he asked when they separated.

"Hmm?"

"The journal and the coffee?"

She nodded, slipped her arms around his neck and pulled him down for another kiss. "So much."

"Want to read some more?"

She shrugged against the mattress, covers rising and falling in time with her shoulders. They had two hours and no intention of leaving the bed just yet.

"Sure."

He lifted onto an elbow, leaned over her to retrieve the book from the nightstand. Castle flipped to the bookmark, settled back down, and Kate propped herself on one elbow as well, leaned over so she could see the page.

_Dear Kate,_

"_All the songs make sense."_

_That's what you said today when I asked you how you know you're in love. I imagine the question was seemed out of the blue...I should clarify that it was about Alexis. She has a boyfriend now and is trying to decipher her feelings for him. She asked me last night how you know, and I didn't have a good answer for her. Thankfully, she managed to talk herself through it on her own._

_You know, when you first answered me, I didn't think much of it. But later, I started to realize what you meant. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the songs do make sense...when I'm with you. I know, I'm with Gina and you're with Josh. And it should probably be her that does that to me. And she does, to an extent. But I'm not exactly sure how to interpret it, because if I love Gina...and I do...then you shouldn't have this effect on me. I shouldn't have feelings for you, too._

_Ah, hell, who am I kidding?_

_Of course I have feelings for you. That's why I took Gina with me to the Hamptons. Because you turned me down, and I knew that if I went alone, I'd spend all summer missing you. So I invited her. Because I knew her and knew I could like her, maybe even love her again. That maybe she could make me forget about you._

_Obviously, it didn't work._

_Then I was wondering if maybe I should end things with her and give us another shot, since I still clearly have feelings for you. And I know that I could overcome the pain of last summer if I had had a chance to be with you now._

_And then Josh showed up._

_Yeah, that caught me completely off guard. It was so unexpected, because you've never mentioned him or made any indication that you have a boyfriend. I'm assuming it's relatively recent, but I guess I really have no idea because I have no clue when you broke up with Demming._

_But if he makes the songs make sense for you, then...I'm happy for you. It sucks, knowing that he holds the place in your life that I so desperately want. Because I still want us to have a shot, Kate. A real chance at this. Sadly, sometimes you have to settle for second best._

_I'm not used to losing, you know, and maybe that's why this is so difficult for me. I'm not used to being turned down. I know I said a long time ago that you turning me down was what caught me at first. And it was. I loved the chase. But now that I'm out of the race, it's lost its thrill. I know I should be happy for you, because you seem to really like him and I can see that he likes you. But it's hard, because I want to be in his place._

_But I'm not, and I have Gina, and I guess I'm going to have to learn to be happy with that._

_At least I still have the precinct, still get to see you every day. It's not ideal, but I can learn to make it work, because having you in my life in some form is infinitely better than not having you at all._

_-Castle_

"Castle?"

"Yeah?"

"You do make the songs make sense."

He smiled, leaned in to brush his lips across her cheek. "So do you."

Kate smiled in return, rested her forehead against his temple.

"Can I ask you something?" he said after a moment of silence.

She lifted her head, met his eyes, found them swimming with nervousness. "Of course."

"If you...you broke up with Demming because you wanted to go with me to the Hamptons."

"That's not a question."

He chuckled, continued. "Getting there. Anyway, why..." he paused, considered his word choice. There really wasn't a good way to ask this. "You had feelings for me, right? So why did you date him?"

She hesitated for a split second before answering. "Because I didn't think you'd ever come back. And I know it was both of our faults, but I was so_ mad_ at you. And hurt. And he made me forget."

"Wait a second." He shook his head. "You met him over the summer?"

Kate nodded. "In July, when I was out with Lanie one night."

"Oh. I thought..."

"You thought..." she prompted.

He ran a hand over his face, wiping away the unpleasant memories. "I thought it was in the fall. I didn't realize..."

She shook her head. "It wasn't. But you were with Gina, and I was in no frame of mind to sit back and wait for you to stop cavorting with your ex-wife."

"Our timing sucks."

Kate laughed at that, as did he.

"That it does. Or, well, it did."

"We're doing pretty damn well now, if I do say so myself," he added in agreement.

She laughed again, glanced at the clock and then leaned her head back against his. "Speaking of timing, we've got a while still."

He raised his eyebrow sexily, sent a leer in her direction, but she was having none of it. She may have slept for a few hours, and slow and tender with him was always _so amazing,_ but she wasn't feeling quite that energetic today.

Castle followed her gaze back to the notebook, did a decent job of hiding any disappointment that may have crossed his face.

"Oh, yeah, umm...want to keep reading?"

She smiled gratefully, knowing and loving that he understood without her having to say a word.

"That sounds great."

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><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	30. Anatomy Of A Murder

_Author's Note: Short(ish) chapter, but I wanted to get something out today. Enjoy!_

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><p><strong>Anatomy of a Murder<strong>

"You ready for the next one?"

She nodded, met his eyes with a smile as he flipped the page. They settled back into each other then, into the bed, the journal propped up between them, and fell back into his words, his uncensored thoughts from so many years ago.

_Dear Kate,_

"_Would you be willing to break her out of prison? Because that, my dear, is true love."_

_That's what my mother said to me last night when I was talking to her about this case, about what Greg did for Amy. About their love story and the fact that he went to such lengths for her. I really hope that she's acquitted at her re-trial. They deserve their happy ending._

_But back to my original point, which is that I'm currently sitting at my desk contemplating my mother's words, trying to understand their true meaning. I personally can't imagine doing what he did for anyone I've ever dated...breaking them out of prison, that is. But after watching the two of them together, I also I know that I've never had anything remotely similar to what they have._

_I do know that I'd break Alexis out of prison in a heartbeat; that's a very different type of love, but I guess it's the same principle. If you love someone, you'll do anything for them._

_And then earlier today, when I was talking to Esposito and you so casually mentioned that you'd get me out of prison...I didn't even know what to say to that. Still don't, actually, because I don't know what it means. But there's a nagging voice in the back of my head that can't stop wondering: were you serious?_

_Obviously you're with Josh. Obviously you have feelings for him. Not for me. So that means that your willingness to break me out of prison is just...what? Because we're colleagues of sorts? Or did you just threw that comment out there without much meaning behind it? It couldn't have meant what my mother said. It didn't, did it?_

_It's driving me crazy, Kate, not knowing what you meant. What it meant to you._

_Or even if you were serious._

_Were you?_

_Let's hope we never have to find out the hard way. I have a feeling I wouldn't do well in prison. _

_But for now, I guess I'll have to settle for not knowing. I'll write it here, and maybe someday I'll have my answer. Maybe someday, I'll understand it from your point of view._

_(For the record, I'd break you out of prison any day, Kate.)_

_-Rick_

"I cared, Rick," she murmured, lifting her eyes from the page to meet his, wide and blue and curious.

"What?"

"I cared. Always did, even if I liked to pretend I didn't."

"Yeah, but..._cared_ and _loved_ are two different things," he pointed out.

Kate sighed, allowed her eyes to fall closed before slowly opening them again. "I know. And I don't...I don't know how I felt back then. I was...still trying to pretend I didn't have feelings for you. But I cared. You'd done a lot for me, as a partner and as a friend. And I just...I would have gotten you out, Castle."

"And now?"

She smiled, leaned in to press a kiss to his lips. "I'd probably be right there in the cell with you."

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><p>"Kate?"<p>

"Hmmm?"

She rolled over, lifted her head enough to blink one sleepy eye in his direction. Castle was sprawled on his stomach, face turned towards her, clearly too focused on something to have even considered sleeping yet.

"You said - earlier - that I'd done a lot for you."

Kate sighed, forced both eyes open. The clock read 12:14 a.m. and she'd spent the afternoon back on their case, hadn't left the station until well after ten o'clock. Again. She was exhausted and really just wanted to sleep. But apparently they were gonna have a conversation right now, in which he expected her to actually think and give legitimate responses.

She'd discovered rather quickly after they started dating that Castle's mind was the most active whenever he was trying to fall asleep. Many times she'd woken around midnight to find his side of the bed empty, the quiet clicking of computer keys floating in from his office. On the nights spent at her place, she'd occasionally find him at her desk, furiously scrawling words across whatever blank sheets of paper he could find.

And thanks to his always busy mind, this also wasn't the first time that they'd had conversations like this at some ungodly hour.

"Yeah," she murmured, forcing back the haze hanging over her, calling forth the memories of their conversation earlier that morning.

"What did you mean by that?"

"Right now?" she complained, knowing it was futile, but she wouldn't be Kate Beckett if she didn't give it a shot.

"Yes, because it's bothering me and I can't sleep."

She sighed, lifted her head to rest it on one hand, met his eyes through the darkness of the room. She could just make out the outline of his upper body, the faint light reflecting in his eyes, liquid and shining in the night.

"I just meant that you make my job more fun. You make me smile and laugh and roll my eyes, and it's been a long time since I've done anything like that at work. And you just - you make me see a different side of life, a better side where everything isn't so dark and horrific."

Castle smiled broadly though it wasn't visible in the darkness, reached out to cover her hand with his own atop the covers. "I'm glad I can do that for you, Kate."

"Me too," she replied, a quiet honesty in her voice, and he'd never admit it but this was one of the reasons he loved their middle of the night conversations, because she was just so soft and open and loving.

Not that she wasn't like that at other times as well. Because she was. In fact, it still regularly caught him off guard how open and affectionate she was. Of course they were careful not to go overboard in public, but that she would kiss his cheek on the sidewalk while they waited to cross the street and hold his hand in the elevator at the precinct had come as a pleasant surprise.

But there was just something even more special about her in this sleepy state, so uncensored and willing to divulge her innermost thoughts and insights. And he absolutely loved it.

Her words seemed to ease his mind at least for now because the bed shifted next to her, dipped slightly as he snuggled up next to her and twined their bodies together. His arm came to rest over her stomach, one leg sliding between hers. Kate sighed happily, relaxed into him as his head settled in the hollow just below her collarbone.

She'd never admit it, but she loved when he used her as a pillow.

"Night," he whispered, his soft exhale playing across her naked skin.

She smiled into the darkness, felt her heart warm at the gentleness of his voice, the pure love radiating from his semi-sleeping form, wrapping around her.

"Good night, Castle."

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><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	31. 3XK

_Author's Note: You guys are so wonderful! I get new alerts for this fic every single day, and I get reviews from people saying that they just found it and spent all day reading it, and it just amazes me! Thank you to everyone!_

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><p><strong>3XK<strong>

"You're reading?"

Kate lifted her eyes, met his across the living room. Castle was leaned against the doorframe, and she could tell from his slouched posture that he was tired, that it'd been a long day.

The second round of publishing meetings had begun following the first round of edits on his next book, _Heat of the Moment_. He'd taken a week off from the precinct to put the finishing touches on this draft of his manuscript, and today, thankfully, marked his fourth and final meeting for the time being.

"Yeah. I..." she trailed off, knowing she was going to sound completely sappy, but continued anyway as his eyes grew curious, questioning. "I missed you. I feel like I've hardly seen you all week. So I just..." she held up the journal, and Castle smiled in understanding.

He crossed the room, sank down next to her on the sofa. "Did you read anything new?"

She shook her head, flipped it open to where her finger was marking the page. She'd actually started all the way back at the beginning, was still only in the early stages of their second year of working together.

"Didn't want to read the new ones without you."

Castle smiled gently, dipped his chin to press a kiss to her temple. "Well, I'm here now."

She smiled up at him, allowed a moment of distraction as their lips met lovingly. Sure, he'd been home every night and they'd fallen asleep a tangled jumble of limbs on most of them, but the full days at the precinct without him made it seem as though she'd hardly seen him, and she was craving the physicality, the warm feeling of having him next to her, surrounding her.

They separated a minute - or two or three - later, eyes darker than before, faces flushed a lovely shade of pink. Kate was half tempted to toss the book aside and straddle him right here on the sofa, but there'd be time for that later as neither had a place to be in the morning.

So she flipped forward in the journal to the next new letter as Castle slung an arm around her shoulders. She settled into the hollow created by the side of his body, head resting on his shoulder, and began to read.

_Dear Kate,_

_I don't even know what to write right now. I think I'm still too shaken up from today, from everything that happened...and everything that almost happened._

_I was so scared. Scared that I'd leave my family behind, that I'd leave Alexis without a father. Scared that I was going to die without accomplishing everything that I wanted to. Scared that he'd shoot me and walk away, leave my body in that trashy motel room for someone else to stumble upon. Scared that once he left me, he'd track you down and kill you as well, and I wouldn't even be there to try to stop him. To protect you, save you._

_So thank you, for everything you did tonight. For finding me, for saving me, for bringing me coffee and sitting with me. For helping me talk it out. For holding my hand, grounding me when I felt like my world was completely off its axis. It meant so much, Kate, more than I think you understand._

_And I know it was shouldn't be a big deal, but feeling you holding my hand was comforting in a way that I didn't realize it would be. I don't think I've ever felt so much before in just a simple touch, and maybe it was because I was still amped up on adrenaline, but I'm pretty sure there was more to it than that. I'm pretty sure it stemmed from something much deeper than gratitude for saving me and the heightened sensations that come from near-death experiences. I'm pretty sure it had more to do with the fact that I care for you, so much._

_It's getting harder and harder to ignore it, especially after something like today - after staring down the barrel of a gun, images of you and my family filling my mind in what I thought might be my final thoughts._

_We may both be in other relationships, but I care about you. So much. I hoped that tonight as we sat by that pool I'd have a chance to tell you how I feel, but unfortunately such a moment never arose._

_So I'm telling you now, because if something had happened to me tonight and I'd never had a chance to tell you..._

_I care, Kate. A lot. You've become very important to me over the last two and a half years. Take that to mean whatever you want, but just know that I do. And that I'll always be here for you in whatever capacity you need._

_-Castle_

Silence fell as they digested his words, felt the desperation and fear that had laced his writing that night. It seemed so long ago now, and yet the memories were still so vivid.

"I've always wondered," Kate asked finally, the first to break the silence. "What did you say to him?"

"To Tyson?"

She nodded.

Castle shook his head sadly. "I profiled him. And I tried to reason with him, make him see why he was doing what he was doing. I guess I thought it might make him stop. And then my mother called at exactly the right moment."

"I'm surprised he didn't take your phone."

"He did. He answered it on speaker, let me talk to her, but I had to be careful. And I knew that was my last chance."

Kate nodded slowly, fighting against the onslaught of images of Castle talking to his mother, tied to a chair with a gun to his head. She shivered at the horror, the cold dread that she could still recall from the moment she'd realized that Castle and Ryan were with the Triple Killer, that she might not get there in time.

"You know, I seriously considered asking you to stop shadowing me that night." She spoke softly but matter-of-factly.

"You did?"

"You almost died, Castle. I had no idea what I was going to find on the other side of that door. And it shook me, because you've always managed to defy those kinds of situations, but that one..."

"It was too close," he murmured.

She nodded. Sure, there'd been many more close calls since then, many of which far eclipsed what'd happened that night. But at the time, it'd been his closest brush with death.

"You have a family to think about, Castle. And I'd have never forgiven myself if something had happened to you while you were with me. I know you signed the waivers, but I'm supposed to keep you safe. And I almost failed that night."

"You didn't," he assured her softly, arm lifting to cup the back of her head, guide her lips to his. "You saved me."

"I know," she whispered against him, the words leaving on an exhale. "But we were lucky. Both of us."

"We were."

Kate lifted her head, met his eyes as she spoke. "But at the time, all I could think was that it was my fault that you were even in that situation."

"What changed your mind?" he asked curiously.

"I don't know," she answered truthfully. The rest of the night had been such a blur, especially because the moment his hand had twined with hers was the moment that she'd forgotten about everything else, sat there stunned as the heat from his fingertips raced up her arm and through her body, because who knew a mere _touch_ could be so electric?

In reality, it was probably that which changed her mind, but she wasn't about to admit to it.

"I guess I realized that I wanted you there with me every day, even if it did put you in danger." She trailed off, shook her head. "It was selfish, I know, but I...I guess somewhere deep down I decided that it was worth it."

He hummed a response, allowed silence to fall. The fact that each would risk their life to save the other had long been a point of contention between them. It was an argument they'd had far too many times, and in the end they'd always wound up agreeing to disagree, because neither was willing to budge.

And neither wanted to _not_ have Castle at the precinct, so there was really no other option than to simply accept it and try their best to stay safe and have each other's backs.

"I'm glad you let me stay," he verbalized softly a minute later.

Kate smiled, shifted further into the chair and his warmth. "Like I could have gotten rid of you that easily."

He chuckled at that, offered a not-so-apologetic shrug. "True."

She smiled again, lifted to press her lips to his cheek. "I'm glad I let you stay, too."

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><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	32. Almost Famous

_Author's Note: For everyone who's been asking for some Lanie time...this one's for you!_

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><p><strong>Almost Famous<strong>

"All right, spill."

"What?"

"Spill," Lanie demanded, sliding into the booth across from her friend, coffee cup in hand. "You're glowing, Kate."

The Detective suddenly found herself fixated on the lines in the wooden table, embarrassed that Lanie could see through her that easily. "No I'm not."

Lanie rolled her eyes. "You're an awful liar. What happened last night?"

Kate fidgeted in her seat at the memory of Castle's hands and lips and other body parts and exactly what he'd done to her last night. God, he'd made her writhe and scream and beg, and Kate Beckett didn't beg. At least not until she met him.

Heat flushed her face and she knew by Lanie's smirk that there was no way she was getting out of this one.

She finally looked up, awkwardly met Lanie's eyes. "We may have gotten a bit carried away."

"Judging by how red your face is right now, I'm thinking that's the understatement of the day."

Kate dropped her head into her hands and groaned. God, she was hopeless. She was so in love that she couldn't even have coffee with her best friend without turning into a blushing mess.

"He...we...let's just say that he was trying to channel his inner stripper."

Lanie let out a noise that was somewhere between a laugh and a gasp. "Seriously?"

Kate nodded.

"Why?"

"Uh..."

Huh. How was she supposed to explain this one? She was already flustered enough that no lie she could come up with would ever fool Lanie, which really left only one option; the truth. And while she knew Lanie would find it sweet, she wasn't sure she was ready to share. But Lanie was looking at her intently, so Kate finally relented.

"Fine, but absolutely no one else can know about this."

"Oooh, juicy."

"Lanie."

"Your secrets are safe with me, Kate. You know that."

"Okay." She nodded, took a deep breath, then launched into the story from the beginning. "Castle has this journal. He...he started it right after we met."

"What do you mean, started it? It's about you?"

"Basically. It's...letters. To me. He wrote one after our very first case together, saying all these things that he wanted to tell me but didn't feel like he could. And then it kind of became a tradition. He's written them ever since then."

"After every case?"

"So far."

"What does he write?"

Kate shrugged. "Various things. Sometimes it's about the case, sometimes it's about me, sometimes it's something about him, or just random stream of consciousness. It's...I never know what to expect."

"And he gave this to you?"

"Well, I found it accidentally. In his desk drawer. I don't even remember what I was actually looking for."

Lanie laughed. "I bet he loved that."

"He was a little freaked out." Kate smiled at the memory. "He told me what it was and said I could read it, but that some of it was gonna be really emotional."

"And you did."

"We're working on it. Reading them together."

"You guys are sickeningly sweet, you know that?"

Kate rolled her eyes.

"So this ties into last night how?"

She paused to sip her coffee, regain her composure so she wouldn't disintegrate into a blushing mess again. She hoped.

"Remember that case with the stripper who was dressed as a cop?"

"Yeah."

"Castle and I ended up going to a strip club."

"You did?" Lanie squealed. "Why am I just now hearing about this?"

Kate met her eyes shyly, silent apology for waiting three years to share this particular tale. "Undercover. But yeah."

"And obviously that's what he wrote about."

"Yeah."

"And then last night he decided to recreate it?"

Kate grinned, couldn't help herself. "Maybe."

"And he stripped for you?"

"Lanie."

"What?"

"Trust me, there are some things you're better off not knowing."

"I highly doubt that."

"Well, if you ever wanna look at him the same way again, then you'll believe me on this one."

"Fine. Surface details."

"I told you already."

"You told me he stripped for you, but you've seen him naked plenty of times, so that doesn't explain why you're blushing like crazy and clearly still basking in the afterglow."

She felt her face heat up all over again, took a large gulp of coffee so she could blame it on the heat of the beverage. "I may have stripped for him, too. And we may not have slept very much."

"Now we're getting somewhere."

Kate shook her head. "Nope, sorry. That's all you get."

"Does this kind of thing happen every night?"

"No. Not...I found the journal a couple months ago, and we don't read every night. But...they're not all like that. Some are really tough to read."

Like the first one they'd read last night, the one that forced them to relive the Triple Killer ordeal.

Lanie reached out, covered Kate's hand with her own. "I'm sorry, sweetie."

"No, no, it's...good. We've come a long way, and it's good to really talk about these things, you know? We've scratched the surface before, but I never knew a lot of his side of the story."

The ME nodded, understanding how important a step this was for Kate. She was sharing things, sharing in his emotions and allowing her own to surface, and Lanie knew enough to know that no other relationship she'd been in had come even close to this level of emotional intimacy. With no other man had Kate ever allowed herself to fall in love, and to embrace it rather than run from it.

"It's making us stronger," Kate added softly, lost in thought.

"That's good."

"It is. Yeah. And it keeps things interesting."

"Like last night."

Kate narrowed her eyes. "You're still not getting any more details."

But even as she spoke, her mind was lost in memories, recalling his words from the night before.

_Dear Kate,_

_You know, it's always been a fantasy of mine to go to a strip club with you, though I have to say that this one turned out much differently than I expected. In my mind, it wouldn't be so awkward, and other guys wouldn't be hitting on you. Then again, when you're dressed like that, how can anyone not hit on you?_

_It's not fair, Kate, how easily you captivate people, draw them in, hold this power over them, even at a male strip club where you weren't supposed to be the center of everyone's attention._

_You know, now that I think about it, you seemed pretty comfortable there. Like you'd been there before. Have you? You have, haven't you? Maybe Nikki Heat being a stripper by night isn't so far off base after all._

_(By the way, the thought that you go to strip clubs...all sorts of inspiring.)_

_One of these days I'll convince you to let me take you to one. One where I hopefully feel a little less awkward. We'll get dressed up and spend the evening in the club and then I'll take you home with me and we can have a little show of our own._

_I've been told that I look very good naked._

_-Castle_

Oh, he did look good naked. _Really good._ Even when Kate was sitting in a coffee shop with her best friend, supposedly carrying on a conversation, she was still powerless to stay focused as images of her naked boyfriend swarmed through her head. And she was sure she was blushing like mad.

She should be embarrassed to be replaying certain memories in public, but she was far too relaxed and sated to care. He'd ravished her well into the night, completely worn her out. But she'd slept so well sprawled across his chest that when she'd woken this morning, all hints of tiredness had vanished.

And apparently her sense of decency had disappeared as well.

But when Lanie met her eyes and shot her a knowing grin, Kate couldn't help but smile back, not feeling even the least bit guilty.

She was so utterly smitten she couldn't even hide it.

And for the first time ever, she didn't even care.

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><p><em>Thoughts? More Lanie time, or just Castle and Beckett?<em>


	33. Murder Most Fowl

_Author's Note: Thanks to the lovely Beetlebug for getting the creative juices flowing on this one (even though it turned out differently than either of us were probably expecting)!_

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><p><strong>Murder Most Fowl<strong>

"Hey."

Castle looked up from his desk to find Kate leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed loosely across her chest, eyes fixed on him.

"Hey. Got everything wrapped up?"

She shrugged, padded across the room to him. "Yeah, not too much paperwork this time."

He nodded, pushed back from the desk and twirled the chair ninety degrees, extended his arms for her. She stepped into his embrace, his head coming to rest against her stomach.

"That's good."

She hummed in response. "How are the edits going?"

_Heat of the Moment_ had been sent back to him today with the final batch of suggestions from the publishers, and he'd headed home after they'd closed the case to start working on them, leaving Kate to finish the paperwork.

"Okay," he answered with a non-committal shrug. "Taking a break right now, though."

Kate's eyes dropped to the surface of the desk where they landed on a familiar small-ish notebook that lay open on the tabletop in front of his laptop. The page on the left was about half full of his familiar scrawl, the one on the right still blank. Which meant...

"You're writing?"

He nodded, reached out with one hand to mark his page with his pen and close the book. "No reading ahead."

She laughed, patted his head, and he lifted his chin to look up at her as she spoke. "I'm not going to."

"Just making sure."

She smiled, dropped her eyes back to the journal, tracing its outline, the familiar places where the stitching was coming loose or the corner was bent in. It'd quickly become one of her most prized possessions, so much so that her fingertips had memorized the pattern all of the contours, the contrast of the slightly rough stitching and the smooth cover.

"What?" Castle asked curiously, confused by her silence.

She shrugged as though it was no big deal, but when she spoke he could tell that it was, that it meant something to her. "I didn't realize you were still writing these."

Oh. Not what he was expecting.

"Why would I stop?"

"Because I found it. Because you see me every day and you could just say these things to me now."

"Do you want me to stop?" he asked, because he loved writing to her but if she no longer enjoyed it, then he'd stop.

"No, no," she shook her head definitively, "I love reading them. I just...I didn't realize you kept going after I found it."

"I'll keep going as long as we're partners, Kate."

She smiled, bent her head to drop a kiss on the top of his skull. "Can we read some of them now?"

"Sure."

He dumped out the pen that was marking his place, flipped back to the bookmark that held the place of the next letter. Kate turned and dropped onto his lap in the desk chair, body relaxing into the cradle of his arms and the warmth and strong lines of his body.

Castle pressed his lips to her neck, leaned forward so they were cheek to cheek, and began to read.

_Dear Kate,_

_Sometimes, it's just so unfair. Lightbulb Len was killed because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, trying to do the right thing, and he paid for it with his life. And poor little Tyler was abducted because of his father's job. And it's just so...unfair and horribly sad. I mean, what did either of those people do to deserve that?_

_I'm just glad we found him in time. Like I said, I know what they were going through from the time Alexis wandered off. It's fear unlike any other. Gosh, I was so incredibly scared, and I hated myself because I felt like I'd failed as a father. I mean, I couldn't even keep track of my own daughter. How awful is that? I never would have forgiven myself if something had happened to her._

_But I'm grateful that we found Tyler still alive and brought him back to his dad. And I'm glad we caught the kidnappers, because what they did was just so horrible. Sometimes, it makes me really hate people. And it makes it very difficult to trust them._

_Sometimes, I can understand part of the reason that you're so practical and matter-of-fact; because you have to be, or your job would make everything seem so desolate and hopeless. I can tell, because I felt some of that today when we were down in the subway looking for Tyler._

_I hope that my presence could help with that at least a little bit today. I hope that at least some of my ideas were worthwhile and helpful, and that I was able to keep you smiling and caffeinated._

_(By the way, you first thing in the morning, pre-coffee was pretty sexy.)_

_But anyway, I suppose I should get some sleep. It's four in the morning and I'm pretty sure I haven't slept in over 24 hours, but I wanted to write this now, because everything from the case was weighing on my mind._

_I hope that you're at home in bed right now, catching up on some much-deserved rest. And if you find that you can't sleep, or that you need to talk about the case, or anything, really, I hope you know that I'm always here for you. No matter the time of day (or night), I'm always just a phone call away._

_-Castle_

"That case kind of reminded me of my mom's," Kate murmured, barely audible, eyes still fixed on the page.

"How so?"

Her eyes remained downcast as she spoke, and she blinked hard to hold back tears because it may have been fifteen years, but it still hurt. It always would.

"The unfairness of it all. The whole being in the wrong place at the wrong time thing. Dying because you were trying to do what was right. It just...it wasn't overwhelming, but it was there in the back of my mind the whole time."

"I never considered that," Castle said softly, holding her just a little bit tighter, because he knew that when something reminded her of her mother's case, there was little he could do aside from lend an ear and hold her close.

He'd always hated that the pain was so engrained, that he couldn't take it away from her, because he'd do anything in his power to do so. But he'd long since learned that the best he could do was offer comfort, shoulder part of the burden, and so he'd put everything he had into assuming that role.

"It's okay," she murmured, lacing one hand with his on her stomach, her touch calming him as well, coaxing him into relaxing his grip on her. "It's okay."

She felt him nod against her, turned to bury her nose in his neck. He could feel the moisture that lingered on her cheeks, heard her unsteady exhale as she fought for control.

"It's okay," she repeated, as much for herself as for him.

Castle just sat there in silence, unmoving save for his left hand, which was gently rubbing up and down her back, over her neck, caressing the back of her head in the gentle way that he knew was comforting to her.

"I'm just glad it's over," she said after a few minutes, lifting her head from his shoulder. Her eyes were still shiny, cheeks stained with drying tears, but he could see that the pain had hit her a little less intensely this time.

It was by no means the first time that something like this had reminded her of her mother's murder, and it certainly wouldn't be the last. But with each passing incident, Castle could see and feel that the pain was continuing to fade, because there would always be a hole in her life, in her heart, from losing her mother in such a tragic manner and at such a young age, but the sharpness of the loss was no longer as prominent.

Castle dipped his chin to claim her lips, soft and loving, a relatively brief kiss, but from the way a smile was tickling the corners of her mouth when they separated, he knew that he'd accomplished exactly what he'd been hoping.

Kate felt it too, raised a hand to card through his hair, cradle the back of his head. Her smile didn't quite reach her eyes but even so, he knew that she'd be okay.

"Thanks, Castle."

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><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	34. Close Encounters of the Murderous Kind

_Author's Note: Thanks again to Andy, and also to mysterybooklover and tshlw for sending me your ideas for this one!_

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><p><strong>Close Encounters of the Murderous Kind<strong>

"Want to just head to bed?" Castle asked softly a few minutes later when neither had moved from their positions, curled up in his desk chair.

He expected her to say yes, started to shift into a position in which she could gently slide from his lap, but she shook her head, held him tighter. Because the last letter might've brought forth some sad and painful memories, but she didn't want to dwell on them. And Castle's words had always been what she'd turned to in times like these.

"Stay," she requested, lifted her head to meet his eyes. "Let's keep reading."

He didn't protest, simply nodded his head in understanding and flipped the page of the journal.

_Dear Kate,_

_It's driving me crazy. What did Agent Westfield say to you after the case today? I've been wracking my brains all night long and I just can't come up with anything concrete. I mean, there are a million things it could have been, and no one thing stands out._

_Was it about the case? About me? About you and me?_

_Sometimes having a writer's mind is a curse, because I can't stop thinking about this. I can't stop writing various scenarios in my head. __And what I really can't figure out is why you won't tell me what it was. It's not like you've never shared something confidential with me before. Which makes me think that whatever he told you, it was embarrassing or something of the sort._

_Oh, I know...was it about the injectors and the fact that we basically had hickeys for a few days? Or maybe the fact that you fell asleep on me in the car after the fact?_

_(Maybe next time, we could try that without first being captured and drugged by mysterious federal agents. I'd gladly give you a hickey and let you fall asleep on me any day.)_

_You know, one of these days, I'm going to pry it out of you, so you might as well have just told me today. Because I will find out, one way or another. I can be very persuasive when given the opportunity._

_-Castle_

"What _did_ he say to you?"

Kate just lifted an eyebrow, gave nothing away. In reality, Agent Westfield had simply thanked her for her help, mentioned her unorthodox arrangement with Castle, and asked why she kept him around when he was constantly spouting out theories about aliens and cyanide capsules.

She'd merely smiled and said that he was surprisingly helpful and kept things interesting and light-hearted.

Then, they'd shaken hands and parted ways.

But it was so much fun to watch Castle squirm, even after all this time. And once she told him, she wouldn't have the smug satisfaction of sitting there and watching him wrack his brains for every possible combination of words the Agent could've spoken.

Castle held her gaze for a minute, challenging, but eventually gave in and dropped his eyes back to the page, back to his own words. Kate could be just as stubborn as he could, and he really didn't feel like pressing the issue right now. There was plenty of time for that another day.

Besides, he had his methods, and after two years, he knew exactly how to get Kate to share the information. All it took was strategic placement of his hands and lips, and she'd spill just about any secret.

Instead, he changed tactics, gestured to the page.

"Remember the time it actually was a hickey?"

Kate attempted to glare at him but failed miserably, because it might've been horribly uncomfortable and embarrassing at the time, but she could laugh at it now.

It was during their first year together, and with the help of a couple glasses of wine, they'd gotten more than a little carried away one night. And despite the fact that she'd clearly stated that there were to be no noticeable marks left on her skin, Kate wound up with hickeys in four different places...though thankfully three of those were easily concealed by normal clothing.

The one on her neck, however, wasn't so easily hidden. It was far enough forward that her hair couldn't hide it and much too dark to be successfully covered by makeup.

The result was that Kate showed up to the precinct in mid-August with a scarf wrapped loosely around her neck, where she spent the entire day sweaty and gross, forced to endure confused looks from other officers and constant teasing from her team members.

In fact, Ryan and Esposito had been absolutely relentless that day, teasing and joking and prodding all day long, though they at least had the consideration to be discreet when other people were around. Since they boys had found out, Castle and Kate hadn't been overly secretive about their new relationship, but they were still cautious around Gates because neither particularly cared to find out how she'd react to the news.

But on certain days, caution only got them so far.

"_Yo, boss, what's up with the scarf?"_

_Multiple heads turned in her direction as she snapped her head up from her paperwork, sharp glare shooting across the bullpen._

_It was rather effective in silencing both Ryan and Esposito immediately, but they spent the rest of the morning not-so-subtly glancing at Kate and snickering, and she clearly heard both her name and Castle's whispered in quick succession more than once. It didn't take a genius to put two and two together, especially when Castle arrived a few minutes later looking like a dog with its tail between its legs._

_Nevertheless, she was in no mood to discuss certain things with anybody, because it was only ten in the morning and she was already hot and sweaty and grouchy._

_"What'd you do, bro?" Ryan asked Castle as he crossed the bullpen, silently extended a coffee cup to Kate._

_He sank into his chair, shrugged in their direction and didn't say a word._

_Clearly, they were fooling nobody with their denials, but they seemed to have a silent agreement to maintain their front._

_Four hours later, though, Ryan found the proof that he and Esposito had spent the entire day searching for when he walked into the break room in the middle of an argument in which Kate was angrily jerking aside her scarf, revealing what was quite clearly a rather large hickey, while Castle stood a few feet away looking legitimately frightened._

"_Ahem."_

_The pair jumped in surprise, and Kate hastily released her grip on the fabric, whirled around to face a moderately embarrassed Ryan._

"_Am I...interrupting?"_

_She opened her mouth, closed it again and shook her head in irritation._

_Castle simply smirked, stood there silently, clearly enjoying the fact that Kate was torn between annoyance and denial_

"_Yes," she finally spluttered._

"_Fun night last night?" Ryan jabbed with a knowing smile._

"_Yes."_

"_No."_

_This time, her glare was aimed at Castle, who just smiled innocently in Ryan's direction. That, apparently, was all that the other detective needed, because he slipped out of the room without a word, made a beeline for Esposito's desk._

_Judging by the fact that both Ryan and Esposito's final comments before they left for the day were 'you two have fun tonight,' and 'don't do anything I wouldn't do,' Kate was pretty sure that they wouldn't be living this down for quite some time._

"You know, it's been a while," he said sultrily with a raise of his eyebrow, far too sexy in the faint light of the office.

"Don't even think about it!"

He leaned in, lips aimed at her neck, and Kate tried to wriggle out of his grasp but was too slow. The next thing she knew, there was a warm tongue sucking at her pulse point, hands traveling all over her body at once, beneath her shirt, along her thighs, the heat caressing her skin even through the fabric of her jeans. And despite her protests, she allowed herself to melt into his body, into his touch and his mouth, gave in to him completely.

* * *

><p>They may have gotten a little carried away but the next morning, the only marks on her body were easily concealed by her jeans.<p>

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	35. Last Call

_Author's Note: Short chapter, but it just felt right to leave it the way it is._

* * *

><p><strong>Last Call<strong>

The dipping of the mattress. A slight brush of lips over her temple, her ear.

Kate stirred, lifted her head enough to blink open one eye. The room was dark but she could just make out the faint outline of Castle crawling into bed with her, naked except for his boxers.

"Hey."

He smiled into the darkness, settled down close to her. "Hey."

"How'd it go?"

He shrugged against the pillows. "Same old, same old. Did some schmoozing, met about two hundred of my 'biggest fans' after the press conference."

"Exciting."

He snorted, draped an arm over her back. "Totally. But at least people are getting excited for the movie release."

"That's good."

"Yeah," he agreed, but it was late and he hadn't seen Kate since six a.m. and frankly, right now he didn't care how popular the movie was going to be. He just wanted to curl up with his amazing partner and girlfriend. "How was your night?"

"Long. Didn't reach a stopping point until almost nine, so I pretty much got home and came straight here."

He nodded, feathered his lips across her temple again. "Sorry to wake you."

She shook her head, lifted to join their lips together softly. "No, it's okay. I was reading until just a few minutes ago."

"New book?" he questioned, because it never ceased to amaze him that she was just as well-read and bookwormy as he was.

"No." She slipped her right hand out from beneath the pillow, still clutching the leather cover of their journal.

Castle's arm tightened around her as his lips made contact with her skin once again, because he knew that falling asleep clutching the notebook was her way of saying that she missed him.

But that was okay, because on days like these, the feeling was very much mutual.

"Did I miss anything new?"

She shook her head. "I waited for you, like always."

He kissed her again, reached over to flick on the pale bedside lamp. "Thanks."

She hummed softly in response, flipped to the next unread page and settled against him in the bed.

_Dear Kate,_

_We should have more cases like this one. You and me undercover in a bar as I watch you shake out your hair and put on lip gloss and unbutton your blouse and eat a cherry way too sexily. Gosh, I just wanted to run my fingers through your hair and trace the line of your bra with my tongue and kiss the lip gloss from your mouth._

_You are an evil, evil woman to do things like that in public and expect me to just stand there like I'm not attracted to you._

_Yes, I was jealous. I don't admit that very often, but I was. In fact, I usually ignore it, pretend it's not happening. But when you were flirting with the bartender...the way he was looking at you, his eyes raking up and down your body. Like he thought he could have you. We're not even dating; we're just partners you and me, both with other people in our lives. I have no right to be so jealous. But I had to pretend that we were together, because it just wasn't right to let him think that you were available. I could tell that he thought you were just another pretty face looking for a good time, but you're so much more than that._

_On a related note, undercover missions are becoming my new favorite activity, especially when we can go out and pretend that we're a couple._

_Speaking of which, going out for drinks after we solve a case should become our new tradition. I had a lot of fun last night, and that scotch was absolutely delicious. I'm pretty sure I could persuade the mayor to share some more of that stash with me. And hey, I own a bar now too, so we can go there any time, stay as late as we want, and have the entire place to ourselves. We can sing and dance and play pool and darts and drink as much as we want._

_And if the others aren't up for it, you and I could always go together. Just the two of us, alcohol, and a bar to ourselves. I'm liking this idea already._

_-Castle_

No one spoke at first, both caught up in memories from that night, memories of a team that was built like a tight-knit family, memories of a life that was ended far too early.

"I wish we'd done more things like that," Castle mused softly, sadly. "Before..."

Kate nodded against him, lifted a hand to cup his skull, hold him close, because she knew that they both still felt the sting of the loss of the man who played the role of Captain, mentor, and friend.

And Kate would always have mixed feelings about his demise; despite his deep-seated betrayal, she'd forgiven him and she would always feel the pain of his death, the hole he'd left in her heart and her life and her trust.

"I miss him, too."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	36. Nikki Heat

**Nikki Heat**

They fell asleep tangled together, lost in memories, and the journal spent the night wedged between them so that when Kate woke the following morning, it was one of the first things her eyes landed on.

The book was slightly beneath Castle's bicep, and the man himself was still fast asleep, so Kate gently worked it free on her own. He stirred slightly, mumbled something unintelligible, and snuggled further into her, and she smiled to herself because she adored sleepy Castle more than she'd ever admit.

He shifted again, pulling one arm beneath himself and pushing his torso up slightly. He yawned, blinked open one eye and then the other in the early morning light, looked around in confusion. Kate greeted him with a warm smile, eyes raking adoringly over the lines of his face, still relaxed from sleep. She traced a finger down his jaw, across the slight stubble growing there, leaned in to press a gentle kiss to his lips. He returned the gesture lovingly, smiled into her kiss.

They separated lazily, languidly, leaned their foreheads together.

"Reading?" he asked after a moment, eyes falling to the journal in her hands.

"No, you were sleeping on it."

"Mmm, comfy," he slurred, smirking slightly to himself.

"Right."

He nuzzled into her neck, breathed her in. "Want to?"

"Read?"

"Yeah."

She lifted her head to glance at him, could see that even though he was still covered by the haze of sleep, he was aware of what he was saying rather than murmuring random words and then falling back asleep. (Which had happened in the past, despite his vehement denials. There had been entire conversations that he didn't remember in the morning.)

"Sure."

He kissed her cheek in response, wrapped an arm around her and tugged her closer so they could both make out the words on the page.

_Dear Kate,_

_I still don't know why you were so angry with me this morning when I brought you coffee. But whatever the reason, I want you to know that I never meant it to be for anyone other than you. Natalie just - took it from me before I could react and stop her._

_Coffee has always been something I've done as sort of a 'good morning' and a thank you for putting up with me day after day. I didn't realize it meant so much to you, too, that one morning without it would get you so riled up. I guess now I know better. And I'm glad that it holds meaning for you as well._

_I'm also guessing that your irritation had to do at least in part to something else. Perhaps your comment about me sleeping with Natalie? Or, well, NOT sleeping with her. Apparently I missed out on the two of you having that conversation. And I have to admit, I'm intrigued as to how that came up. Did you ask, or did she tell? I was detecting some hints of jealousy from you, so part of me thinks that maybe you asked her. Either way, I guess it was good that the conversation happened. _

"She asked me," Kate murmured almost to herself, eyes still fixed on the page.

"Hmmm?"

She lifted her head, repeated her words. "She asked me."

He looked at the page in confusion, back to Kate. "If you'd slept with me?"

"No, no." She chuckled at the memory. "Asked me if you were gay, actually, because you'd turned her down."

Castle laughed too, loud and incredulous. "I've been asked a lot of things, but that's never been one of them."

"I spit out my coffee," Kate admitted.

"Seriously?"

She quirked her lips into a smile. "Yeah, it caught me more than a little off guard."

"So what did she say?"

Kate shrugged, the exact words now fuzzy in her mind, but she could recall the gist of the conversation. "That we had feelings for each other but I was ignoring them. And she thought that's why you wouldn't sleep with her. Wanted me to give you permission to go ahead and do so, 'in the name of research,' of course."

She made quotation marks with her hands as she spoke, watched as Castle's eyes went from wide with shock to even wider with shock.

"She asked you that?" he spluttered.

Kate smiled, nodded, because at the time it was horribly awkward but in retrospect it was pretty comical. "Yep."

"And did you?"

She cocked her head, raised an eyebrow. "What do you think?"

Castle waggled his eyebrows, grinned cheekily. "Possessive of me, were you?"

She whacked him in the chest for that one but the softness of her eyes belied any annoyance she may have been trying to portray. They were both possessive of each other at times, and though Kate had refused to even consider such things three years ago, now she'd admit to it. They certainly both had their moments.

Castle pressed his lips to her neck in understanding, silently rested his cheek against hers and shifted his attention back to the letter.

_Besides, there's no reason for you to be jealous. I never seriously considered sleeping with Natalie. Like I said, it'd be way too meta to sleep with the actress playing the character inspired by you and written by me. __I'd rather have the real thing. Tall, brunette, brainy, gorgeous. And now that I've seen you so jealous, it makes me want you even a little more. It was sexy seeing you like that, all riled up and hot and bothered._

_And sure, there was an attraction with her, but with you, there's more than that. I mean, I'm attracted to you physically, don't get me wrong. But that's not all. I don't know exactly, but I felt it when I accidentally proposed. A twinge of something. Attraction on a much deeper level. Feelings that I'm not sure I want to put a name to._

_Did you feel it too?_

_There's something there, Kate. We're both with other people, and I've been trying to ignore it ever since you chose Demming over me last summer. But it's there. It's there and it's real and it's getting harder and harder for me to overlook it._

_So if you feel it at all, anything, please just let me know. Let me know that it's real and that there's a chance that someday something might come of it. I need to know if I missed my chance or if I should keep believing._

_-Castle_

"I did," she murmured when they finished.

"Did what?"

"Feel it. There was a wave of something, but I ignored it because I, well, didn't wanna deal with it."

He nodded sadly.

"I'm sorry," she said softly, but he shook his head, cut her off.

"It's okay. It wasn't just you. I didn't pursue it either, because I thought I'd already lost my chance."

"You hadn't."

He smiled, cupped her chin. "I know."

And in retrospect, his accidental proposal and the conversation surrounding it had been all sorts of informative, especially now that he was seriously considering proposing for real. There would be no helicopter ride, nor would it take place in public. It would be private and intimate, just like she'd told him that most women prefer.

He already knew what he was going to say, though he didn't know exactly when it would happen. But he'd know when the moment arose. He didn't have a ring, either, because something told him that she'd want to help him pick one out.

And since this one was forever, he wanted her to absolutely adore the piece of jewelry that would always symbolize their love and commitment to each other.

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: As you read this, I'm headed off on vacation for 10 days. Without internet. Which means that you won't be seeing a new update for a little while. However, the next 4 chapters are uploaded (just not edited yet), and if by some chance I wind up in a place with wifi, I'll do my best to post the next chapter. Otherwise, it will be up the day I get back.<em>

_Have a lovely week and I'll see you all in a couple weeks!_

_Diana_


	37. Poof, You're Dead

_Author's Note: This is going to be a little long, so bear with me. Or feel free to skip it entirely._

_1. Thank you all for sticking with me while I was off adventuring for the last 10 days._

_2. The last chapter put me over 1,000 reviews, which just amazes me. I haven't had a chance to respond to them since I've been out of town, so this will have to suffice this time. Thank you so much to all of you for being so wonderful!_

_3. While I was gone, my fic _Without a Doubt_ won the Castle Fan Awards in the Best Non-Romance/General category. Thank you so much to everyone who voted for it! This fandom is wonderful!_

_And now, on to the chapter..._

* * *

><p><strong>Poof, You're Dead<strong>

"What time do you have to go in today?"

She shrugged against him, released a breath against his chest. "Nine unless there's a case. Otherwise it's just paperwork all day."

"Exciting."

"Totally," she deadpanned. "Though after this last week, I'm kind of hoping for a dull day. I think we all could use the break."

"Yeah," he agreed, though he'd been largely absent from the precinct in light of Nikki Heat related commitments.

However, the majority of the meetings were now finished, as well as final edits, so beginning today, he'd be able to spend more time at the precinct again.

Castle glanced at the clock over her shoulder. "It's early still. Want to keep going?"

She nodded, smiled, loving that he was enjoying reading this as much as she was. Castle smiled against her lips, pulled away with a slight twinkle in his eyes, pure happiness radiating from his features. She would've rolled her eyes at him for how sappy and smitten he could be, but here, wrapped up in bed together on a lazy morning, she felt exactly the same.

So instead, she stole a sweet kiss, allowed her body to melt into his as they continued on to the next letter.

_Dear Kate,_

_Thank you for tonight; for taking me to dinner and taking my mind off of everything and not pressing for details. __You never asked, and I never confirmed it, but I think you know that I broke up with Gina. Things had been rocky for a while, and this last case, with the murdered magician, really sealed the deal for me._

_We'd been fighting about how bland our relationship was, how we weren't really in love even though we just pretended to be. I'll probably always care for Gina; we were married once after all. But what we had this time around wasn't love. It was just plain and boring. And I don't want that. I want magic. I didn't have that with her._

_For me, magic is spending my days with you. It's when the elevator doors open every morning and I see your face. It's when you smile at me, radiant and gorgeous. It's when we're working together, finishing each other's sentences to solve a case. It's what I felt tonight when you took me out to dinner, laughed and talked and almost made me forget that I'd just broken up with someone._

_Even now, I shouldn't feel so relieved about that fact, but I am. Because I no longer have to pretend that I'm in love with someone else when I have such strong feelings for you. Now I can put my energy into showing you, telling you, that I think we could be great together. Magical, even._

_I know you claim not to believe in such things...well, mark my words, Kate Beckett. One of these days, I'm going to prove you wrong. I'll hold you in my arms and show you that magic does exist. That it is real, not just the result of misdirection and smoke and mirrors._

_And then, if you're still not convinced, maybe I can show you my own version of the ice-cube trick._

_-Castle_

Kate fell silent as she finished, wrapped up in thought, her mind miles away from their bed and Castle's warm arms.

"You okay?" he asked, concerned.

She nodded, emerged from her trance at his voice. "Yeah, just...thinking."

"About?" Castle prompted.

"Just...something my dad said a while back."

"When you two went out for lunch that one day?"

Kate nodded. "Yeah. And he was asking about you, of course. I kinda freaked myself out and he talked me down."

"Freaked out about what?"

She shrugged, raised honest eyes to his. "Us. Everything was going so well and I was so happy and it just wasn't right, you know? I kept waiting for something to go wrong because I didn't think it could last the way things were."

She paused to take a breath and Castle spoke up. "What did he tell you?"

"That it could last, because that's what he'd had with my mom. That they argued and fought at times but the happiness never faded." She smiled up at him, kissed him softly. "Like with us. And it's just so surreal. I think I even told him that almost felt magical at times."

"But you don't believe in magic."

She smiled wider, eyes sparkling. "I know."

Castle cupped her jaw, drew her in for a sweet kiss. "It can last, Kate," he affirmed. "I believe that. We're going to fight and cry and scream and want to strangle each other at times, but it'll always be worth it."

"I know. Now, at least. At the time I was just overwhelmed, I guess."

Castle nodded in understanding, because he still felt that too sometimes, on nights where he laid awake wondering when the universe was going to throw yet another obstacle in their way in the form of crazy snipers or random accidents, because their time together sometimes seemed like it'd been one outrageous event after another.

"But you believe it now?" he asked, just to be sure.

Kate replied without hesitation. "Yes."

He smiled, lifted his lips to hers. She met him in the kiss, fiery and full of love and promise, and he reached out to wrap his arms around her, hold her close, slow things down. But Kate was having none of it, as she reached down to move journal out of the way, all the while her tongue eagerly exploring his mouth, lips tracing over his jaw and neck and chest. She raised up over him, pressed him back into the pillows with the weight of her body above his.

"Not that I'm complaining, but what are you doing?" Castle panted, caught off guard by her sudden heat and urgency.

She kissed him deeply, rested one hand on his chest, directly over his heart.

Her response was simple but said everything that he needed to know.

"Making magic."

* * *

><p>She was definitely going to be late for work.<p>

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	38. Knockdown (Part I)

_Author's Note: This is one of the first chapters I wrote, and it's been killing me to have it just sitting on my computer for 3 months while I wrote all of the others. And now I FINALLY get to post it! I hope you all enjoy it as much as I have._

* * *

><p><strong>Knockdown (Part I)<strong>

The next time the journal made an appearance wasn't for nearly a week due to late nights at the precinct and Alexis's brief visit back at home. Since the Memorial weekend getaway, the girl had been in Washington DC for an internship, with long hours and little free time. However, she'd seized the opportunity for a few days of vacation and Castle very willingly flew her home for the weekend.

As a result, spare time had been minimal, as had time alone with Castle.

But Alexis had flown back out this morning, and Kate had conveniently gotten off work at a reasonable hour, and after a delicious dinner and a couple glasses of wine (and some other...activities), they were now curled up in bed, naked and sweaty and sated and thoroughly relaxed.

The journal was resting in its usual place on the nightstand, and it was only a matter of time before it caught their attention, drew them in. There was just something so magnetic and powerful about his words to her, and both had come to love the way that each new letter brought to light old memories or a new conversation.

And tonight's letter was no different.

_Dear Kate,_

_I kissed you today. And you kissed me back. Turns out, my stupid idea was actually a pretty ingenious plan._

_I know I should be somber and serious right now in light of this case, but I just can't be anything but ecstatic. And I hope that our little plan provided you at least a small distraction from the case. It certainly did for me. In fact, just the memory is still serving as a quite successful distractive agent._

_I know, I know, we were supposed to be undercover. And we were, and we accomplished our goal. But it was real to me. My feelings right now are very much not a ruse. The electricity that flowed between us wasn't my imagination. Neither was the fact that my knees almost gave out. And the feel of your fingers in my hair, clawing against my scalp...everywhere you touched me, you left a trail of heat in your wake. The way you looked at me after the first kiss...I don't know what you were thinking at that moment, but the look in your eyes just made me want more. A lot more._

_And that moan. That damn, sexy little moan, Kate. It's the hottest sound I've ever heard._

_I want to hear it again. And again and again. I want to feel your lips on mine, your hands on my skin. I want to kiss you until we can't breathe and we collapse into a naked, tangled mess. God, I want you so badly._

_I know I just broke up with Gina. I know I'm not ready to jump into something else just yet. But when I am..._

_What we have is, God, Kate, it's overwhelming. It's powerful and electric and I know you're with someone and I don't even have a right to be thinking all of this about you. But I can't help myself. I can't get that kiss out of my head. Can't get you out of my head._

_But you're with Josh, and I respect that. I hate it. But I respect it, because if he makes you happy, then that's all that really matters._

_And even though I shouldn't say this, even though I should take a step back and not interfere with your happiness, there's something I need you to know. I've been teetering on the edge for a while, not quite sure of the extent of my feelings, but after today, I know with absolute certainty._

_I'm in love with you, Kate._

There was no signature on this one, just the final line, and it hit Kate with a jolt. January two-thousand-eleven. That was almost six months before he'd said the words to her as she lay bleeding in the cemetery. A year and a half before she'd returned the sentiment. Before they finally went from being 'Castle and Beckett' to being 'Rick and Kate.'

Over a year.

And he'd loved her the whole time.

"Castle..."

He slipped the book from her hands, placed it back in what'd become its customary spot on the nightstand. Then he settled into bed silently, wrapping his arms around her from behind and pulling her down with him. She relaxed against him, rested her head on his bicep.

"I'm sorry," she murmured once they were settled, her back pressed against his chest, his solid arms surrounding her.

"Don't be."

"But...all that time?"

Because when she thought about the way he kissed her, refused to leave her to handle the case alone, brought her flowers, tackled and punched a sniper to save her life - in retrospect, it seemed so obvious how he'd felt. She'd simply been too unwilling to open her eyes and see it.

He kissed her neck, just beneath her ear, felt her shiver. "Yes."

"God, I feel so..."

"Don't," he said again, firmer this time. "You had someone who made you happy. Don't ever apologize for that."

She sighed, closed her eyes, her eyelashes brushing against his skin.

"Castle."

"Yeah?"

She turned her head slightly, brushed her lips against whatever skin she could find.

"At the time, I didn't want it to be. But it was real for me, too."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	39. Knockdown (Part II)

_Author's Note: Because Knockdown was too good to only have one journal entry..._

* * *

><p><strong>Knockdown (Part 2)<strong>

"You okay?" Castle's voice cut through the darkness.

He felt as she shrugged against him, released a heavy sigh.

"Kate," he probed gently, carefully, because it was obvious that something was bothering her. He'd dozed off briefly after reading, after whispered apologies and reassurances, but from the tense state of her muscles, he could tell that she hadn't slept at all.

She sighed again, rolled over to face him. "I'm just thinking."

"The last letter?"

She nodded, resituated her head on his bicep. "Yeah. About how much more time we could've had."

Castle gazed at her in understanding, eyes piercing even through the dark. "We talked about this," he reminded her, though the words were as much for himself as for her because from time to time, he still found himself caught up in very similar thoughts. "We weren't ready. It wasn't right."

"I know." She exhaled slowly, and with it, Castle felt some of the tension leaving her body. "I know. I just...it's hard not to think about the what-ifs sometimes."

He pressed his lips to her temple, felt her relax more at his touch. "It is," he agreed. "But we're here now and things are amazing and I wouldn't trade it for anything."

She smiled into the darkness of the room, felt Castle smile too. "Me neither."

"Good." He pressed his lips to her skin again, tightened his hold on her. "Just relax," he murmured, hands rubbing gentle patterns on her stomach, her sides, calming the tense muscles there.

Kate breathed deeply in and out, allowed herself to push away the thoughts and just focus on the present, both of them in their bed. Together.

"Want to read more?" Castle suggested after a minute. "Take your mind off of things?"

Kate smiled, nodded slightly at his suggestion. "Sure."

He reached over her, retrieved the journal once again. She rolled over in the cave of his body, snuggled up to him to rest their heads together.

_Dear Kate,_

_There were a lot of things I should've said when I wrote to you yesterday, but I was a bit too distracted to focus on much of anything. So I'm writing again today to say everything that I should've told you before._

_I don't know where you are right now, but I hope that you're sleeping in, relaxing, recovering from this last case. And I hope you know that if you need to talk about anything, I'm here for you. If you want to keep digging, I'll help you. If you need coffee, I'll supply it. I'll bring you flowers again if it will make you smile, I'll hold you in my arms if you need to cry it out. Just let me know, and I'm there, Kate. I'll do anything to help solve this case and to help make this easier for you._

_We established the other day that I'm your partner, and I want you to know that I take that very seriously. I know that you didn't like me when we first started working together and that it was a long time before you trusted me to behave responsibly in tense situations, but I wanted to thank you for trusting in my 'dumb idea' yesterday._

_And I also want you to know that I'm here to help you and protect you and have your back. I meant what I said yesterday in that ambulance. I'm always here, Kate, no matter what the circumstances._

_You know, my mother was panicked after the shooting. She sat down with me that night and let me know that she was scared about what I'm getting myself into with this. Scared that I could have gotten shot instead of Raglan. And truthfully, she's right, even if I didn't want to hear it. I thought that what she was saying was that she wanted me to quit; in reality, what she wanted was for me to be honest with myself about why I show up at the precinct every day, why I willingly walk into these situations, knowing that my life could be in danger._

_And I think that after yesterday, you and I both know the answer to that._

_Truthfully, though, I'm scared too. I really thought you'd been shot in that diner. Then Ryan and Espo got captured...all three of you could have died. Hell, you and I could have died trying to rescue them. It's starting to scare me, how deep this is._

_I know you want - need - justice for your mom. And you know I'll do anything to help you find that. But please be careful. Please. Because your mom wouldn't want you to get hurt fighting for this, and neither do I. I don't ever want to see you in the hospital or being lowered into the ground. I wouldn't survive that, Kate. I'm too far in, too attached to you._

_Maybe it's selfish since I'm the one who opened this case again, but please just tread carefully. And please let us help you, let us keep you safe. You have an amazing team of people who will do anything to protect you. Please let them._

_The world needs you in it, Kate._

_I need you._

_Rick_

"I need you, too," she whispered, lifting her eyes to his, wide and searching in the darkness. "More than I ever thought I would."

He smiled gently, pressed a soft kiss to her lips, and he could feel in her answering smile that she was much more relaxed now, her limbs already becoming heavy with the pull of sleep.

"I know the feeling."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	40. Lucky Stiff

_Author's Note: This one is a bit different, but I don't know...I like it._

* * *

><p><strong>Lucky Stiff<strong>

The next time Kate opened the journal she was home alone, curled up on the sofa. Castle was at yet another meeting with Black Pawn, wouldn't be home until around eight. Work had been exhausting lately. They hadn't had much time together, and she missed him. Really missed him.

But she had tomorrow off. And she also had a plan.

They'd read nearly every letter together, but this one was different. Kate knew exactly what case came next...after all, how could she ever forget the time she made out with Richard Castle _and _got to drive his Ferrari in just over a week's time?

Given that she'd caught him checking her out more than once during that case, she knew that there was no way he wouldn't mention that little black dress in his letter, and she had firsthand experience of exactly what it did to him. She'd worn it once since then, on a date night a few months back, and it hadn't stayed on her for long; in fact, they'd completely missed their dinner reservation. But it'd been fun and _hot_ and oh so worth it.

They were definitely overdue for another evening like that. Which was where her plan came in.

She was going to read his letter, read exactly what he'd said about her and that dress the first time he ever saw it. And when he came home, she was going to shimmy back into that dress and show him exactly how much she'd missed him lately.

Or maybe she'd take his Ferrari, meet him outside after the meeting. They could go out for drinks, go dancing. Or, if it came right down to it, the windows were tinted, so maybe they could put the top up and not go anywhere.

Oh, she was so cruel, such a tease. But her attempts to drive him crazy usually ended very well for both of them, so she couldn't be _that_ horrible of a tease, right? Not if she followed through on it.

By the time she was done reading the letter, though, Kate was so wound up that she found herself wondering who was teasing whom here.

God, he couldn't get home soon enough.

* * *

><p>The loft was dark when Castle arrived save for one lamp on the table in the foyer, and he looked around in confusion as he stepped into the living room, discarded his jacket on the back of the sofa. He knew Kate was here, and it wasn't late...just after eight. Too early for her to be in bed. So where was she?<p>

He scanned the area looking for any indications and after a moment, something caught his eye. Paper beneath the lamp, reflecting bright white in the light. A book, it appeared, and he stepped closer to investigate. The edges were slightly bent with use, the pages covered with ink. It looked like...their journal.

She'd been reading it in the foyer? And she'd left it open out here in the entryway? Something wasn't adding up.

Castle bent over, skimmed the page curiously, his confusion disappearing as he read. He immediately found himself drawn in by the heat and lust and desire in his words, felt the tendrils of their passion wrap around him. He could still recall the night in vivid detail and reading this now was reigniting the fire, making him burn for her.

_Kate,_

_God, it's so hard for me to control myself when I'm around you. You drive me crazy with the way you move, the way you smile, the way your eyes always seem to draw me in. Everything about you. I'm so crazy about you, it's ridiculous. It makes me feel like a teenager with my first crush, except this is so much more than that._

_This is love, and it's powerful and real and...God, Kate, you have no idea what you do to me, the power you hold over my heart._

_Tonight at that club I just wanted to grab you around the waist and hold your body to mine, move with you, feel you beneath my hands, against my chest. I wanted to take that slimy drug dealer and toss him aside, tell him that he had no right to look at you like he was, to touch you with his dirty drug-dealer hands._

_I know it was an undercover mission, and I know that you have Josh, but I want you to be mine. I want to be the one to dance with you and kiss you and peel that dress off of your body._

_Someday, we're going to recreate last night. You in that tight, sexy, black dress, driving my Ferrari. Only this time, it'll be real. And you'll be dancing just for me instead of sleazy drug dealers. You'll tease me until I can't take it anymore and I'll grab your arm, pull you into a dark corner somewhere, and take you up against the wall, just like I wanted to tonight._

_I know it's terrible for me to be talking about you like this, but the way you were moving, the come-hither look in your eyes. I can't help myself, Kate. You're just so alluring._

_I want you so badly, and not just because you're sexy as hell - because, God, Kate, you definitely are - but because I want to show you what you do to me. I want you to feel how my heart pounds when I'm near you. I want you to feel the heat in my veins when you kiss me. __I want to kiss you again, and this time, I don't ever want to stop._

_But mostly, I just want to show you how much I love you._

_Love,_

_Rick_

Castle hastily grabbed the journal from the table, fumbling it as he stumbled his way through to their bedroom, where a faint glow emanated through the partially open door. He stepped ungracefully into the room, stopped in his tracks at the sight before him.

There were candles everywhere, flames flickering softly in the semi-darkness, the shadows dancing around the room. Kate had spread a tablecloth over the bed, red and white checkered, and there was a picnic basket perched in the very center, dishes stacked next to it.

And there by the window, silhouetted by the soft light of the candles and the evening light shining through the glass, was Kate. In that same tight black dress.

"Hey," she said softly, sensing his presence.

She turned then, all graceful lines and stunning features, taking his breath away. The dress hugged her body sensually, perfectly accentuating her curves. Her hair fell in dark waves around her face, her eyes smoky, face shining in the low light. She was so gorgeous.

"Kate..." His feet propelled him forward as if by magic and he reached her in a few quick strides, engulfed her in a hug. The journal fell to the floor but neither noticed, too engrossed in each other, in the mellow ambiance of the room and the heat flowing between them.

She hugged him back tightly, buried her face in the crook of his neck.

"What...what is this?" he managed finally, voice tight with emotion.

"I've missed you lately," she whispered, her breath fanning across his neck. "So I thought..."

Her words were swallowed by his lips as his hands cupped her cheeks, lifted her face to his so he could kiss her passionately, full of love and lust and everything.

"I made dinner," she panted when they finally separated. "I read your letter and I know you love this dress and I just...I thought we deserved a date night."

He kissed her again, soft and light, before leading her to the bed by her fingertips. He placed a knee on the edge, stopped before climbing any further, and kissed her once more, hot and passionate.

"I love you so much."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	41. The Final Nail

_Author's Note: Many thanks as always to Andy for the unending encouragement!_

* * *

><p><strong>The Final Nail<strong>

They'd fought.

It was stupid and petty but they were both tired and emotionally strung out after the last case, after hearing a man confess to killing his wife and their two-year-old daughter upon finding out that there was a chance the girl may not have been his.

Kate had asked Castle to stick around afterwards while she finished the paperwork, both to keep her company and to distract her brain from replaying images of the case, the crime scene. And he had, for a while. But he'd forgotten to turn his phone off of silent after the interrogation and he'd also forgotten about the meeting he was supposed to be attending. So when Gina couldn't get ahold of him, the woman herself showed up at the Twelfth and dragged him by the arm out of the precinct, flooding Kate's brain with a whole other set of memories that she never wished to recall.

He called her in the cab on the way to the meeting, apologizing for not saying goodbye and promising to come back as soon as he could.

But the meeting ran long; the publishers wanted Nikki to end up pregnant in the next book. More drama, they'd said. Castle didn't want that at all, and negotiations turned heated rather quickly.

He called Kate again halfway through the meeting, tried to explain, and promised to be home in another couple hours. But she was already mad; at Gina for dragging Castle away, at him for not fighting back a bit and at least taking the time to squeeze her hand and say goodbye, at herself for feeling irrationally jealous towards the woman.

So the phone call morphed into a fight, her accusing him of spending too much time with Gina, him calling her insecure and jealous and untrusting. It was a mess, and by the time they angrily hung up the phone, she stormed out of the precinct and caught a cab to the loft, tears already pricking the corners of her eyes.

God, why did she always have to make such a mess of things?

Eventually Kate had come to her senses enough to know that most of what she'd said was the exhaustion and jealousy talking. There was no way Castle was just 'spending time' with Gina outside of professional obligations. That was in the past. He was with Kate now, loved her. And in the midst of all the anger, she'd allowed herself to forget that.

Sluggishly she stood from the couch where she'd collapsed upon arriving home, made her way to their bedroom, to the nightstand. She plucked the journal from the surface, took it out to his office, curled up in his chair and began to read, reminding herself of all the reasons he loved her, the reasons she loved him.

_Dear Kate,_

_Thank you. For letting me come back. For buying me a drink, taking my mind off of things for a while. For being my Valentine today even though you have a date tonight._

_But mostly, thank you for believing in me. Turns out I wasn't as right as I thought I was. But it means a lot that you believed me anyways. It's not easy to watch someone you used to know show a different side to themselves. And this case couldn't have been easy for you, either, to know that you were putting me in that position. But thanks for not making it harder than it needed to be. For not saying 'I told you so.' And for making this an okay Valentine's Day...even though Damien was guilty and I'm home alone tonight._

_If I didn't think you'd shoot me for it, I'd be showering you with flowers and chocolate and kisses right now, because you deserve to relax and be loved tonight. But I know you're out with Josh right now, and I'm sure he loves you, too (because what man wouldn't?)._

_I just hope that he's treating you right, giving you what you deserve. That he realizes how damn lucky his is to have your heart._

_I know we're not together, but I want you to know that my heart already belongs to you._

_Happy Valentine's Day, Kate._

_Love,_

_Rick_

Just as she finished reading she heard the click of the lock, the door creaking open. She watched through the openings in the bookshelves as Castle stepped inside, quietly shut and locked the door. He kicked off his shoes, hung his jacket in the hall closet, then looked around. The light of the lamp must've been what gave her away because once his eyes settled on it he made a beeline for the room, stopping in the doorway when he saw her.

"Hey," she said softly, offering him a tentative smile.

"Hey." Tiredness was radiating from every inch of him, eyes heavy, hair mussed from too many passes of his hands. Obviously the meeting had been frustrating, and Kate was sure that the way they'd left things hadn't helped at all.

"I'm sorry."

He nodded. "Me too."

"I know you were really just at a meeting. I was...it was stupid."

"It's not, Kate," he said softly, approaching her. "It's okay to be jealous."

"I wasn't," she protested immediately.

He smiled gently, came to lean against the desk next to her. "Of course you were. But that's okay. I get jealous too, every time a suspect hits on you."

"I...okay, yeah, I was. Yeah."

"I love you," he assured her. "And I'm sorry for leaving so quickly and for saying all of those things to you on the phone."

"I forgive you," Kate responded, reached out for his hand, twined their fingers together. "And I love you, too."

Castle bent down, pressed their lips together in a sweet kiss. She leaned forward to set the journal on the desk, laced her now-free hand around his neck.

Naturally, Castle noticed her movement, pulled away slightly to investigate. She could tell the moment he made the connection because he lifted curious eyes to hers. "You were reading?"

She smiled, nodded. "Yeah."

"But you were mad."

"I was," she agreed. "But I was tired and angry and I needed to remind myself of all the reasons that I love you."

"So you read."

She nodded again, lifted a hand to cup his jaw. "About how you love me."

"And it helped?"

Kate smiled, snagged his lips again in a gentle kiss. "It did."

"Good."

They shared one more kiss before Castle took her hands, tugged her to her feet and through to their bedroom. It'd been a long day...or two days...since either had slept for more than a ten minute snooze on the break room couch. And maybe it was only seven p.m., but Castle was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to curl up with Kate for a good sixteen hours.

They crawled into bed, collapsed fully clothed into a tangle of limbs in the center.

Both were asleep before they could manage to say goodnight.

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	42. Setup & Countdown

**Setup & Countdown**

Apparently going to bed early had been a good idea, because neither Castle nor Kate woke before nine the next morning. Castle, surprisingly, was the first to rise and he carefully untangled himself from Kate, made his way to the kitchen for some coffee. He was still dressed in the previous day's clothing, shirt now wrinkled and pants slightly lopsided. His hair looked appropriately messy for the morning and it briefly struck him that he probably looked like he was doing the walk of shame. Minus the fact that he was in his own apartment.

He ambled around the room while the coffee machine worked, glancing out the window over the city, taking in the hustle and bustle down below. He could tell that it was already hot and muggy, decided that this was definitely a day to stay inside and laze around in the air conditioning. He could probably even go for a few more hours of sleep, though he did also have a few final Nikki Heat things that he needed to take care of.

Once the coffee was brewed, he poured a mug for himself and one for Kate as well, took it back to their room with him. Surprisingly, she was still fast asleep, inhaling more deeply every fifth breath in the adorable way that she always did. The light of day was peeking through the blinds, weaving its way through the gaps between the slats, and it lit the room just enough to dust her skin with a faint glow. He smiled to himself, deposited the mug on her nightstand and bent over to brush a feather-light kiss across her cheek before slipping silently out of the room.

He paused at his desk, hesitated slightly before taking a seat, deciding that he may as well get everything taken care of now. The manuscript for _Heat of the Moment _was done and all that was left was finalizing a few details on the cover art. And the dedication.

Castle had been agonizing over the perfect words for over a month now and even after this morning, after waking so peacefully to see Kate relaxed in sleep, body caressed by the soft sunlight, left him at a loss, because no combination of adjectives seemed suitable to describe his feelings.

He sighed, cracked open his laptop and pulled up the document which was littered with sentences, combinations of words, all in no particular order. Maybe today would be the day that something fell into place.

But after a few minutes it became evident that his attempts were futile, that once again his inspiration was giving him the largest case of writer's block he'd had since he met her. One sentence. He couldn't even come up with one sentence to tell the world how much she meant to him.

He sighed again, snapped the laptop closed and leaned back in his chair, coffee cradled in one hand. Their journal still lay on the desk, right where Kate had left it last night, and he was struck with a sudden idea, a potential means of inspiration. Maybe in one of his more heartfelt letters, he'd written something that could be tweaked a bit and turned into a dedication.

He switched out the coffee for the notebook, flipped through to the bookmark which still marked the page that she'd read yesterday. He paused there, allowed himself a minute to read that letter, to see what words had helped resolve their argument.

Castle quickly lost himself in his own words, in his feelings and his pain from nearly three years prior, and it was not until a hand landed gently on his shoulder that he was startled from his reverie.

"Hey," came a soft voice from behind him.

He turned in his chair, looked up to find a tousled Kate smiling down on him. Her makeup was smudged from sleep, clothing crooked and rumpled, but she looked so soft, so at ease and radiant in the morning light, that he had to smile.

"Morning," he replied, lifted up in his chair to press their lips together. She tasted of coffee and it was only then that he realized that she had the mug cradled to her chest with one hand as she looked on, eyes flitting between him and the journal.

"Whatcha up to?"

He gestured with the hand that held the notebook, shrugged slightly. "I was trying to finish up the book and I got stuck, so..."

She smiled, nodded in understanding. "Hmmm."

Castle unfolded his arms then, opened them to welcome her into his embrace, his warmth. She came easily, body pliable in the haze of sleep.

"Finding any inspiration?" she asked when they were settled, head nodding to the leather book he still held in one hand.

"Ah." He shrugged lightly, pressed a kiss to her scalp. "I am now."

Kate laughed lightly, took a sip of her coffee, reveling in the way the liquid warmed her throat, washed away the dregs of sleep.

She reached out with her free hand, fingered the corner of the page.

"Want to?" he asked softly.

She shrugged one shoulder, nodded, waited as he shifted his thumb before flipping the page to the next entry.

Castle moved to snag her wrist as she dropped her arm, squeezed it gently to gather her attention. He recognized the date on this one, remembered most of what he'd written, and knew that it'd be a difficult read for both of them. And it definitely didn't lend itself well to inspiration for a dedication.

"This one's rough," he informed her, soft warning tones in his voice.

Kate nodded, released a long breath. As long as he was here with her, she could do this. "It's okay."

_Dear Kate,_

_I'm still cold. Everywhere. It's no longer visible from the outside but I can feel it in my veins, and I can already tell that it's going to haunt my dreams tonight. God, it's awful, and it just makes me want to wrap you up in my arms again because surely you must be feeling it too. Maybe together we could find some semblance of warmth and relief._

_Of all the ways I thought I might die, freezing to death was never one of them. And now I know why, because it's so slow and painful, and I had way too much time to think about everything that I wished I'd done with my life, all of the things that I'd never had a chance to say. I kept thinking about my mother and Alexis and how they would be left without me, how they would have to cope with the fact that I helped you go rogue and it wound up getting us killed._

_Thank God it didn't really end that way._

_And then you passed out on me, and I don't know how much time passed until I lost consciousness as well, but I do know that it seemed like hours. My mind was foggy, everything was in slow motion, and I could feel the cold horror that descended when your eyes fell shut, your words trailed off in the middle of a sentence. I was already hypothermic but in those moments, I could feel the icy dread take over a little more._

_The only other thing I remember from after you passed out was thinking that if I had to die, at least I was with you. Morbid, I know, but in the moment it was the only solace I could find._

_I'm not sure if you remember what you said before you lost consciousness, but it started with the words 'I just want you to know how much I lo...' You have no idea how badly I wanted that sentence to end with the words "love you," because in some twisted way it would have been comforting because it would have been the last words I heard._

_I don't know what would have happened now, though, had you actually finished your sentence, considering that we're still here and we had to face each other again just an hour or so later. Especially since Josh was right there, sitting in the ambulance, so clearly smitten over you._

_I guess we don't have to worry about that now, because you never finished your sentence and neither of us has brought up anything that was said or done in our near-death encounters during the last day and a half. Part of me wants to mention it. I'm dying to know what you were going to say, if you do in fact reciprocate the feelings I have for you. The other part of me is holding back, though, for fear that you don't and that by speaking up I'll only end up with a broken heart. It might be the coward's way out, but sometimes it's more bearable to not know, to continue to just cling to the shards of hope._

_Eventually, though, I know I'm going to have to face the reality that you're still with Josh. After our 'undercover' kiss and your confessions yesterday, I wasn't really sure where you stood. After the way you looked at me as we stood in front of that bomb, the way you hugged me when we didn't die, I dared to hope that maybe you felt it too. Now I guess I know that wasn't the case._

_It hurts to know that you've chosen him over me, but I guess I can't blame you for that since I've never actually said the words aloud. I was considering it after we closed the case today, was planning to ask you to dinner to celebrate surviving and to maybe finally actually talk about things with you...until Josh walked up and that idea flew out the door._

_If he truly does make you happy, that's something that I'm just going to have to accept. __You didn't seem so happy with him a couple days ago, though. And based on what I've seen, I think that you deserve better. It's not my place to make such decisions, I know. But you deserve someone who will be there for you, who will jump in with you, just like you said you wanted. You deserve that and so much more._

_(By the way, the guy writing this letter would be more than happy to play that role in your life.)_

_If you're truly happy with Josh, then forget that I ever wrote this. But if not, just know that there's someone out there who is very much ready to dive into the deep end with you. Ultimately, though, it's completely up to you. Unfortunately, one's heart is a difficult thing to control, and if yours has chosen Josh, there's not a lot I can do about that. Hell, it's not like I came into this partnership intending to fall in love with you._

_I may not have your heart but you certainly have mine, and I intend to continue to show you that, day after day. It may be futile, but I can't help it. It's engrained now, the need to protect you, have your back, make you smile and laugh every single day, because even though your heart belongs to someone else, I love knowing that I can help bring some light to your life._

_I'll do anything for you, Kate, if it will make you happy. I would even walk away for you if that's what you want. If you think it would help your second chance with Josh, just say the word and I'm gone. It would kill me at first, but I'd get over it, because all I really want is for you to be happy._

_I don't know if you were really going to finish that sentence the way I wanted you to but if you were...I love you too, Kate._

_-Rick_

"I have to ask," Castle said as they finished reading, and she lifted her eyes to meet his, deep and blue and serious. "What _were_ you going to say?"

"Honestly," she admitted with a slight shrug. "I don't know. I don't know that I was coherent enough at that point to really know what I was saying. But given the circumstances, I might have been planning to say something along the lines of 'I love you.'"

"Really?"

"I...yeah, I mean, I did," she stammered, struggling to find the words to explain something that had taken place so long ago and under extreme duress and mental confusion. "I think that deep down I felt it, but I hadn't been willing to admit it to myself at that point."

"I didn't know," Castle admitted, running his finger over the words in the journal, the written rendition of what he'd yearned to hear at the time. "I mean, it didn't even cross my mind, you know. Not after Josh."

"Yeah." She shifted further into him, breathed him in. "I wasn't exactly forthcoming. And I'd already decided I wasn't gonna act on my attraction to you anyways, and when Josh stayed it gave me a nice excuse."

"But you were happy with him."

She shrugged off-handedly. "I was happy enough. But he never stood a chance, Castle."

"Even after he stayed for you?"

Kate shook her head, still slightly ashamed that she'd held onto Josh for so long even after it became evident that they were destined to head their separate ways sooner rather than later.

"Not really. Not with you," she replied truthfully. "If I'd never met you, then maybe, but it wouldn't have been what you and I have."

Josh had always been such a taboo topic in their conversations, not only when they'd been together but even well after the break up. Castle always suspected that part of the reason Kate avoided talking about him was because their breakup was so closely linked with her shooting. And maybe that was part of it, but Castle could see now that it ran deeper than that. There was so much more involved, a mental journey on Kate's part as well as Castle's reluctance to ask about it, because he may have respected that Kate had chosen Josh, but he'd never liked him and it'd always been a sore spot in their partnership.

"Well, I'm glad it's me." Castle spoke finally to break the silence, lighten the tension.

Kate smiled, leaned in to kiss him soundly, leaving no doubt as to her feelings now, her gratitude that he'd waited around while she pulled herself together and allowed herself to fall in love with him.

"Me too."

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: I should be packing right now, not writing fanfic. But it's such a fantastic way to procrastinate. Anyway...packing for what, you might ask? I'm moving across the country and I leave on Friday (yeah, I really need to go pack). So unfortunately you may not hear from me for a little while (though I'll be tweeting along the way as much as possible). The next chapter is written and the one after that is partially done, so when I have a chance, I'll get those out to you. I can't promise when, but I'm shooting for at least one update next week.<em>

_In the meantime, thanks to all of you for reading and encouraging me and for sticking with me through my crazy busy summer! It's much appreciated!_


	43. One Life To Lose

_Author's Note: The good news is that I was able to post this sooner than I thought. The bad news is that the next chapter may be a little while. I have random parts written for all the rest of season 3 but they've got a ways to go before they're legit chapters, and writing on my iPod isn't the most efficient thing ever. Long story short, the next update may not be until next weekend. _

* * *

><p><strong>One Life to Lose<strong>

"Keep going?" Castle murmured after a minute.

Kate nodded against him, burrowed further into his warmth and his solid body and strong arms. For someone who spent so much time insisting that she didn't need protection, he knew that she secretly loved how secure she felt when wrapped up in his arms. She'd even admitted it once while hovering on the edge of sleep, whispered words that Castle will forever hold dear.

She leaned forward to deposit her coffee mug on the desk, freeing up both arms to wrap around him. "Sure."

Castle smiled softly in agreement and together they began to read the next letter.

_Dear Kate,_

_Thank you for passing along that Temptation Lane story to me, for allowing me a glimpse into a very special time in your life. I know sharing doesn't come easily for you, and it means a lot to me to know that you trust me enough to share those types of things._

_I could tell that you were uneasy, that you thought I was going to judge you and laugh at you for that. But I want you to know that I would never do that, especially about something involving your mother. I know I've never met her, but I respect both her and you far too much to make fun of you about such a treasured memory._

_Besides, it's stories like those that make me fall a little more in love with you because they provide me with a peek into the other parts of your life, the ones I don't see on a daily basis. Don't get me wrong, I love the badass detective you are during the day, but now you're showing me more and more of the other sides of you, too; the Kate who watched Temptation Lane with her mother, who had a typical Manhattan childhood all the way down to tonsillitis and lots of ice cream during recovery. The Kate who feels and cares just as deeply and passionately as anyone else. And it's little details like that which make me fall even farther._

_And the way your mind works…the quick wit and innuendo…it's so sexy, Kate. (By the way, if you ever want to 'sleep on it' with me, all you have to do is ask.)_

_I know I've spent a large portion of my life hanging out with various beautiful women, but I'm finding that brunette and brainy and multifaceted (and gorgeous) is so much better, for so many reasons. __I know you think you're damaged and flawed as a result of your past. I know you think you're not good enough. But I want you to know, Kate, that what's happened to you doesn't define you. You're allowed to carry that around with you and be changed by that, but it doesn't make you damaged. We all have baggage. And yours, Kate...it doesn't matter to me. It's a part of you. I accepted that long ago. And when I fell in love with you, I fell in love with all of you._

_Exactly the way you are._

_Love,_

_-Rick_

"You're so sweet," Kate whispered as she finished reading, met Castle's eyes in earnest. "I just..." she shook her head, unable to find the words to adequately convey all of the feelings he ignited inside of her. "I love you."

"And I love you," he replied quietly, lips brushing her hair as he spoke. "And I know that if I'd met your mom, I'd have loved her as well."

She smiled, joy and love mixing with a pang of sadness, lifted a hand to cup his jaw. "Wherever she is, I know that she loves you, too."

Castle felt tears prick the backs of his eyes at her words, still sometimes caught off guard by how much Kate loved him. And now she was saying her mother felt the same. He was just...speechless.

Slowly but surely she was opening up, sharing more and more of her mother with Castle. For the most part he didn't push, and his strategy appeared to be working because in the last two years he'd been to Johanna's grave, spent a rainy day curled up with photo albums as Kate relived her childhood for him, held her in his arms as she laughed and cried and reminisced about beloved memories from before her family had been torn apart.

When Kate spoke again her voice was softer, more melancholy. "I miss her."

"I know you do," he consoled, setting the journal aside so he could hold her tightly. "And you always will, and that's okay."

"You know, for a long time, I was afraid that I'd forget her," she said quietly, and Castle had the impression from her body language that this was something she'd probably never shared with anyone. "Forget her smile, her laugh, the sound of her voice. The way it felt to be hugged by her when she got home from work, kissed good night when I was a little girl. The way she was always there for me to cheer me up and make me smile and support me and kick my butt when I needed it."

She chuckled slightly at that and Castle did as well.

"I know now that I won't. But I didn't at first, and it terrified me."

"You'll always remember her, Kate," he assured her. "And you'll always have those treasured memories that will remind you of the time you had with her. Things like that are never forgotten."

"I know," she breathed, images playing through her mind herself as a young girl braiding her mom's hair and building a snowman and staying up past her bedtime watching Temptation Lane with her mom.

Until Castle, that particular memory was one she'd never shared with anyone. And not only had she shared it with Castle, but he'd taken it to heart, understood how much it meant to her, and the result was that they now had Temptation Lane memories of their own to add to those from her childhood.

_The loft was still when she arrived, much warmer than the storm that was blowing through outside. It was calmer now than it'd been but snowflakes still clung to her hair, melting on her skin and blending with her lingering tears and the chill of her skin from too much time spent out in the winter air. January was unfortunately not an optimal time to spend an hour in the cemetery, but on this day she had a set routine from which she didn't vary._

_She would drag herself out of bed in the morning and swing by the nearest little shoppe for flowers on the way to the cemetery, where she'd spend about an hour in front of Johanna's grave, talking and laughing and crying and remembering. Her father always stopped by as well but not usually until later in the day. It'd always been an unspoken understanding that visiting Johanna was something they each needed to do on their own. In between the visits, they'd meet at a small diner, one they'd found not long after Jim got sober, and since then it'd always been their place._

_Following lunch and a certain amount of reminiscence they'd part with a long hug and head their separate ways, Jim to the cemetery and then back home and Kate to her apartment, where she'd spend the rest of the day curled up on the couch with blankets and photo albums and her tears._

_This year was different, though, because she no longer had a cold, empty apartment to come home to. And she had someone there for her who was very ready to help her shoulder the pain, ease her burden. She had Castle and the warmth of his loft and the mesmerizing dance of the flames in his fireplace. She had his arms and his kisses and his love._

_So this year, she'd come home to Castle, and it was the most relaxed and comforting January ninth in fifteen years. He met her at the door, helped her out of her jacket and scarf and then folded her into his warm embrace. He slowly guided her to the sofa where there was a pile of pillows and blankets waiting, a glass of water and a bottle of ibuprofen on the end table._

_Rather than protesting, insisting that she needed to be alone, Kate melted into him, allowed the tears to flow as his soft words and caresses calmed her, his fingers in her hair and on her skin relaxed her tense muscles. He covered them in blankets, held her close as she allowed herself to be entranced by the flickering flames, by his gentle fingers tracing patterns on her skin._

_After almost an hour of silence, Castle reached for a remote, careful not to jostle her. Kate looked up in confusion as his projector came to life, image broadcast on his giant shower curtain screen. The Temptation Lane DVD menu floated across the screen and Kate was silently overwhelmed with love, both for her mother and for the man currently holding her in his arms._

"_This okay?" he asked softly, hand cupping her jaw, thumbs wiping away the lingering moisture on her cheeks._

_She nodded, grasped his wrist as she leaned into his touch._

"_It's perfect."_

"Wanna watch?" Castle asked softly, tearing her from her memories.

Kate smiled gently, pressed her lips to his. "Sure."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	44. Law And Murder & Slice Of Death

_Author's Note: Greetings from the east coast, and thanks to everyone who wished me a safe journey across the country! I made it in one piece and I'm even settled in enough to have time to write! That being said, when school starts in a week, life is going to get hectic. I'm writing as far ahead as I can now because I never like to leave you guys hanging, but it's pretty clear that I'm not going to make it through season 4 by the premier, which was my original goal. _

* * *

><p><strong>Law and Murder &amp; Slice of Death<strong>

"Where is it?"

Castle lifted his head, whirled around to find Kate peering into the drawer of the nightstand, rooting through the assortment of items it contained.

"Where is what?"

"The journal."

"The...oh," he breathed as realization dawned. Their journal. "It's not...there?"

She shook her head, forced herself to calm down because it had to be somewhere close by and there was no reason to get all worked up over it. Except that there was because she may have owned every single one of his novels but this journal, full of his hand-written words meant only for her, was one of her most prized possessions. And certainly her favorite book of his, if it counted as a book. It did in her mind.

As Kate talked herself down, took a calming breath, Castle joined her in the search, digging through the other night stand, searching beneath the pillows and comforter.

Come to think of it, he hadn't seen it in a few days either. Not since they...

Oh.

He crossed to the office, eyes immediately settling on a corner of the leather cover protruding from beneath a stack of papers containing various versions of the cover art for _Heat of the Moment,_ all with such minor differences that his eyes had gone buggy just looking at them and he'd wound up tossing them aside haphazardly and giving up for the day.

Or, as it turned out, the better part of three days. He made a mental note to finalize his decision tomorrow.

"Found it," he called out, extending his arm above his head so that Kate could see the journal.

She breathed a sigh of relief, straightened and pushed the drawer back into place. "Oh, good."

"Hey," Castle cooed as he approached her, lifted his free hand to rest on her hip. "It's okay."

Kate shook her head, forced away the unexpected wave of emotion that had washed over her. "I know, I just..."

He bent to kiss her, whispered words of comfort against her lips. "It means a lot to me, too."

They settled into bed then, Castle crawling in first and welcoming Kate into the cave of his body. She came willingly, feeling the stress of the day rolling off of her body as she found herself surrounded by him and their bed.

"I take it you wanna read?"

She snuggled back so her back was flush with his chest, nodded against the hollow of his neck. He feathered his lips over the sensitive spot behind her ear, felt the shiver trail down her body as he gracelessly fumbled his way to the next letter. He loved reading these, talking about them, as much as she did but he only had so much ability to focus when the planes of her body were deliciously aligned with his.

Kate reached a hand out to help him, held the page in place as he settled in with his chin on her shoulder so they could read it together.

_Dear Kate,_

_I confess; I've seen Forbidden Planet._ _Probably close to fifty times._

"Castle!" Kate scolded instantly, rolling out of his embrace and onto her back so she could glare up at him, though there wasn't much in the way of disapproval in her voice. Probably because she'd enjoyed the evening as much as he had. Not that she'd ever admit to it.

"What?" he asked innocently, feigning confusion and not feeling even the least bit guilty because Kate Beckett had taken him out on a date. And he'd only fudged the truth a little bit to make it happen.

"You..." she spluttered. "You're such a liar!"

"And yet it didn't seem like you minded all that much. If I recall, Detective, you quite enjoyed yourself that evening."

"Not the point, Castle," Kate shot back, but the smile that she couldn't quite hide gave her away.

"You just don't wanna admit it."

"Admit what?"

"That you took me on a date to the movies. And that you enjoyed my company that evening."

She snorted. "Right."

"You can deny it all you want but you're not as subtle as you think you are."

Oh, she was quite aware of that. Castle was so attuned to her that he picked up on everything, things that most people would not even notice. But not so with him.

Rather than protest, she simply rolled her eyes in response.

"You're not."

Kate was struck with the extremely childish desire to stick her tongue out at him, both for being a smart ass and for knowing her so darn well that he could see through her so easily. Instead she reached up with one hand to physically turn his head back to the journal.

"Just read."

He smirked but did as directed and after shooting a warning look in his direction, Kate re-situated in his arms and did the same.

_I absolutely love that movie (and the fact that you like it too makes me love you even a little more. I never knew that brilliant and a little bit geeky could be so sexy.)._

_Nevertheless, thank you for taking me out on a date (yes, it was one, even though I know you'd deny it), for buying me food, and for making last night the most fun I've had in a long time. Even if I did have to spend the entire time forcing myself to watch the movie rather than you and making sure that you didn't catch me quoting every scene._

_You know, there are a whole bunch of new movies coming out soon that I'm thinking about going to. Want to come along, make it a date again? I'll even pay this time. And buy you dinner afterwards. It could become a tradition._

_Or maybe that's asking too much too soon. Maybe we should just stick with tonight for now. I know with certainty that it'll stick with me. For a long time. I can't recall the last time I had so much fun on a date, especially one where the only physical contact was you punching me in the arm for something I said (which I can't remember at the moment, but your barely-suppressed smile kind of gave away the amusement that you tried so desperately to hide)._

_I have no idea what you're up to now, if you're home in bed or at the hospital waiting for Josh's shift to end or maybe just relaxing on your own. But I want you to know that there's someone across town who's thinking of you right now with a giant smile on his face. __Thinking of you and wishing that our night together hadn't ended so soon._

_Have a good night, Kate._

_Love,_

_Rick_

"We should go to a movie," he suggested offhandedly.

Kate rolled over again, lifted her eyes to his. "We could."

"You don't want to?"

"No, no." She shook her head. "I don't _not_ want to. I just...hadn't thought about it."

"So we can?"

Kate smiled at the sight of his wide, hopeful eyes, the childlike excitement in his features that still shone through every time she agreed to a date with him, even if they had been together for two years.

She tilted her chin to press their lips together, soft and sweet, a promise. "Yes."

"Tomorrow night?"

Her grin widened, unable to contain herself because Castle's enthusiasm was so contagious.

"It's a date."

This time, it was Castle who initiated the kiss, allowing it to deepen but still keeping things relatively chaste. He could tell that Kate wanted to continue to read, sensed that something from work must be bothering her and she needed to take her mind off of it.

He'd had to step out for a couple hours this afternoon for a brief interview for the Ledger, during which time the rest of the team had been up to their necks in interviewing suspects. An entire neighborhood of people who'd heard the gunshots in the middle of the night but by the time they'd made it to either the scene or the nearest window, the suspect was gone without a trace and the victim was already dead. It hadn't been an ideal time for Castle to leave, especially in light of the seemingly random nature of the case and the fact that the victim was a thirty year old female, but he unfortunately hadn't had a choice.

And though Kate hadn't yet said anything and probably wouldn't until the case was closed, he knew that something was upsetting her.

So it was Castle who pulled away first, leaving a lingering peck on her lips before settling back into bed, into her.

"Another?"

She smiled warmly, eyes already drastically softer than they had been since they arrived home this evening.

"Yeah, keep going."

She rolled over again, resumed her previous position, and Castle flipped the page, nuzzled into her and began to read aloud this time, breath washing over her skin, gentle and soothing, as he spoke.

_Dear Kate,_

_Do you ever look back and wonder how you survived your teenage years? I certainly do, especially after this nightmare with Alexis's friend. I'm not sure I ever told you exactly what happened in the end, but one of her friends was jealous of the time Alexis was spending with Ashley so she kiss-ambushed him at a party and posted the pictures online. And naturally, Alexis was devastated._

_Girls that age are just so catty, it's ridiculous. I'm glad I never really had to deal with that type of drama. It's like the high school version of the Pizza Wars._

_Then again, I was kind of an outsider. No one kiss ambushed my girlfriend because I didn't have one. I've already told you at least one story about boarding school, and it certainly isn't the only one of the sort. I had a lonely few years dealing with some pretty mean teenagers. Then again, I got my revenge, in a way, by being able to metaphorically shove my novels in the faces of everyone who told me I'd never amount to anything._

_I just don't understand why people are so horrible to one another. I mean, is it really worth it to kiss someone else's boyfriend in front of a whole bunch of people or have decades long feuds over pizza or stick a body in someone's oven?_

_But I digress._

_What I really want to say is thank you for helping me out today. It's always hard to see your kid hurting and not want to step in and take care of it yourself...you know, by punching the offender or something of the sort (though I have a feeling neither you nor Alexis would have approved of that course of action). And had it not been for you, I probably would have stepped in and ended up making things worse. So it was good to receive advice from a female's perspective...especially one who seems to have been quite the wild party girl back in the day._

_(By the way, you can kiss-ambush me any time.)_

_In all seriousness though, thank you. I really appreciate that you care enough to help me out. It means a lot, Kate. Truly._

_Love,_

_Rick_

"I didn't...it's not a big deal, Rick," Kate assured him softly, rolling over again to face him. "I just...it's what partners do, right? Help each other out."

He shrugged. "It is, on the job. But you had no obligation to help me with my daughter. I mean, we weren't dating or anything and you knew her, but not _that _well."

"Castle." She lifted a finger to his lips to silence him. "You can come to me for anything, remember? Absolutely anything."

Her eyes were stern, more of an intense green in the faint light, drilling their point across. His features relaxed, softened in understanding. He would do the same for her, after all.

"Partners," he affirmed.

Kate smiled, feathered her lips across his cheek. "Partners."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	45. The Dead Pool

_Author's Note: Written after poker night, but before the end of the episode._

* * *

><p><strong>The Dead Pool<strong>

They fell asleep wrapped up together, a feeling of comfort and safety engulfing both of them.

When they woke, they went about their daily routine; shower, dress, coffee, work, come home far too late, sleep. At times it was monotonous, but during cases like this, Kate took comfort in the routine. The case was wrapped up after three more days and only then, as Castle suspected, did Kate divulge that it was in fact the initial similarities to her mother's case that'd been bothering her.

In the end, though, it'd been much simpler than that, no elusive snipers or all-powerful dragons or conspiracies, and after a late night to finish up the final bits of paperwork, Kate and Castle slipped through the door of the loft together, depositing shoes and jackets and keys in various places on their way to the bedroom.

Not for _that,_ though. Not tonight. Maybe in the morning when they were well rested again. Right now, Kate needed a shower and a good night's rest, and Castle fully intended to accompany her on both missions.

The shower was scalding yet gentle as Castle held her in his arms, cradled her to him as he massaged the shampoo and conditioner into her hair, held her closely as he washed away the dirt and grime and stress of the case.

He washed himself quickly while Kate stood under the hot water, eyes never leaving his face as he cleansed himself. He shut off the water, climbed out first and wrapped Kate up in a fluffy towel before finding one for himself.

They brushed their teeth side by side, Castle leaning against the counter watching in earnest as Kate removed the make-up from her face, tied her wet hair back into a loose braid.

They tossed the towels over the hook on the back of the door on their way out of the master bathroom, collapsed naked into bed beneath the heavy warmth of the covers.

"You doing okay?" Castle murmured as they made themselves comfortable, twined their bodies together.

Kate nodded, blinked open her eyes to meet his. "Much better now."

He smiled sweetly. "I'm glad."

She snuggled further under the covers, extended an arm to pat around on the top of the nightstand until she found the desired object.

"You're not too tired?" Castle wondered aloud.

She shrugged. "I am but...I need this right now."

"You sure you're all right?" he pressed, not intending to seem condescending or patronizing, but it wasn't often that she needed to read their journal this intensely. In fact, outside of this case he could think of only one other instance of such.

Kate opened her mouth to protest, took in the genuine concern in his eyes and stopped herself. She knew he meant well. "I am. Promise. The case is over now. I just...need to erase those images."

Castle nodded in understanding, because he too at times had found himself haunted by crime scenes in the dead of night when he couldn't sleep, his tired brain projecting those images onto other people in his life.

He slipped the book from her hands, flipped it open for them. "Okay."

_Dear Kate,_

_I don't understand. I spend day after day by your side, making you laugh and having your back, and yet I'm the one going home alone every night. I kind of understand it with Josh...he seems like a decent guy (even though I've never liked him), so I can understand your attraction to him. I can understand you giving him a second chance._

_But Alex Conrad? Seriously? First off, what happened with Josh? Are you guys over now? If so, he obviously didn't realize how lucky he was to have a second chance with you because that sure didn't last very long. I'm not sure how anyone could throw away an opportunity like that._

_But trading him for Alex? How is he any different from me? I follow you around every day for research and half of the time I get the feeling you're annoyed with me for butting into your life. And then he just barges in and wants to talk procedure and you smile and flirt and give him an entire evening for which he thanks you with 300 little muffins? I don't get it. At least I help with cases and save your life every once in a while. So why are you so stuck on him and so determined to overlook me? I guarantee that he doesn't love you, doesn't care for you as much as I do._

_And there's no way he can possibly appreciate how extraordinary you are after knowing you for just a couple days. He's obviously just acting on attraction and lust, nothing deep and meaningful. __Maybe that's the difference. Maybe casual and not emotionally attached is what you're after instead. It would be sad if that's the case, though, because I think you deserve so much better. And I think that you and I could have something that's pretty amazing._

_So maybe it was petty of me to invite him to poker tonight and spoil your plans with him, but I'm not sorry. Maybe I could have been more mature about it. But I'm not sorry. Not at all, because I'm determined to make you see me._

_I know I wrote recently about how I'd step aside and let you be happy with Josh if that's what you want. And that still stands. But I will not stand by and watch you flirt with some rookie writer who thinks he can steal my inspiration to fuel his own career. It's annoying and rude and frankly, I thought I meant more to you than that. I thought I was your partner, not something to be tossed away when the new model arrives._

_Yes, I was jealous today. It's never easy, admitting that, especially when I know that I have no right to be jealous. It's not like I can lay claim to you. Then again, no one ever said feelings were rational._

_What would've been rational, though, is not inviting him to come join us at the precinct in the first place. If I hadn't, none of this would be happening._

_Angry or not, though, I still love you, Kate. You're not getting rid of me that easily._

_-Rick  
><em>  
>"Castle?"<p>

"Yeah?"

Kate met him with a firm gaze, the one that left no doubt as to the truth of the words that were to come out of her mouth. "You know there was never anything with Alex and me, right?"

"I..." he sighed. "I assumed, but it's comforting to have confirmation."

She shook her head, irritation at herself perhaps. But all traces of her earlier sadness, the haunted look in her eyes, was gone, which was good. "I know I maybe led him on a bit, but it wasn't serious. I just...I don't know. He made me laugh and smile and..." she trailed off.

"But I..."

"He never held a candle to you, though," Kate continued, interrupting whatever Castle's next words would've been. "No one does."

He nodded thoughtfully, absorbing her words. For so long he'd simply operated under an assumption, and though he was fairly certain it was correct, having conformation lifted an unexpected weight. Another question answered from the box of things that they had never talked about before...

Well, before the journal. They'd talked the basics, of course, in the early days of their relationship. But they'd focused so much on the giant elephants in the room that they'd glossed over a lot of the smaller, but no less important, things. Such as the reasons for the demise of Castle's previous marriages, Ellie Monroe and Alex Conrad and Gina and Josh, and every other time they'd unintentionally hurt each other.

It was refreshing now to finally have these doors opened.

"And I'm sorry," Kate continued, tearing him from his thoughts. "It was...inconsiderate of me. I know apologized at the time, but I'm saying it again. I'm a one-writer girl, Rick, and he's right here in bed with me."

Castle smiled, watery eyes crinkling at the corners, and leaned in to kiss her. He felt like the recent letters had turned both of them into complete saps but frankly, after this last case, they both needed the smiles and the sweet words and the reassurance.

He marked the page, closed the journal and set it aside, then turned back to Kate.

"I'm all yours."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	46. To Love And Die In LA

_Author's Note: I know a lot of people were looking forward to this one, and I really hope I did it justice. It was difficult to keep the balance of light and heavy, and I'd really love to hear your thoughts on how it turned out._

* * *

><p><strong>To Love and Die in LA<strong>

"Oh. What's this?"

The open journal lay in Kate's left hand but her eyes were focused elsewhere, following the path of the piece of paper that'd just fallen out of it and now lay on the floor by the bed.

Castle switched off the bathroom light, crossed to Kate who was seated on the edge of the bed, currently bending over to retrieve the fallen sheet. Realization dawned on him even before he reached her side, though, once he realized that she was holding the journal.

It was the one of the few letters that were not intact, and it'd bothered him so much at the time that he considered copying it over. But in the end he'd decided against it because he wanted to keep the emotion raw and honest, didn't want to risk changing a word here or there by mistake.

So he'd folded it in half, wedged it in the appropriate spot, and left it there.

"It's from LA."

"What?"

"When we went to Los Angeles. For..." he swallowed hard, saw it flash in her eyes, too. "For Royce."

"Right."

"I didn't have the journal with me but I needed to write to you so..."

This page was un-lined, just barely fit within the confines of the journal when folded in half. There were crinkles embedded in the paper, undoubtedly from making the trip back home wedged somewhere in his suitcase. Or, knowing Castle, his pocket.

"It's still for me, though?" she asked tentatively, tracing her index finger along the fold line.

"Of course."

Slowly she flipped it open, mixed feelings taking over at reading this one. Los Angeles had been a confusing and difficult time for Kate, not only because her mentor had been murdered, but because she'd come _so close_ to sleeping with Castle. _So close_ to cheating on Josh, and she'd tossed and turned that night after closing the door and retreating back to her room, trying to come to terms with her feelings for Castle and just how strong they'd become.

The writing was less neat on this one, the strokes of his letters less refined due to the lack of lines and, probably, the emotion of the evening.

Kate felt the bed dip next to her, the gentle pressure of Castle's hand on her thigh, reassuring. She righted the piece of paper, held it out between them, and Castle's hand came to grip the other side to steady it.

_Dear Kate,_

_I meant what I said today. Every word._

_I'm amazed by you. By every facet of you. By the way you fight for justice and hold your head high no matter what life throws your way. By the way you sauntered around in that barely-there bathing suit like you owned the place (which, by the way, was so incredibly sexy). __By the way that you love so deeply and wholly._

_It amazes me, how much you'll do for people you care about, even if they've hurt you, even if they've made mistakes and bad decisions. Your ability to forgive astonishes me. The layers of your heart extend more deeply than I ever imagined. You're truly amazing, Kate. And with every day that passes, I learn more about you; even so, I feel like I still have so much left to learn. So much more to uncover. And that fascinates me._

_As I write this, I'm sitting in my hotel room, so close to you, yet so far away. I know you're hurting even though you're doing a pretty good job of hiding it. But I've known you long enough that I can tell, Kate. This case is eating away at you. And I just want to hold you in my arms and tell you that it's okay to feel and hurt and cry, and I want to be there as you let it out. I want to hold you up when you need to collapse, to mourn for your loss. I want to take the pain away from you even though I know that I could probably only do so much._

_And besides, that's not my job, not the role I play in your life._

_I hope you know, though, that I'm here for you if you decide that you do need someone to help you through this. If you do need someone to hold you tightly, to talk to, to listen, to help you forget. It doesn't make you weak, you know, to ask for help. I could see that you were struggling with that tonight. There was something in your eyes as we sat on the sofa, I could hear it in your voice as you excused yourself and walked away. Something akin to want and desire. And it was the first time since the dirty bomb that I truly allowed myself to hope._

_So I waited for you once you retreated to your room. I sat there on the sofa just watching your door, wishing that you'd come back out and say what was really on your mind. Wishing that you'd let me hold you and kiss you and provide you at least a temporary distraction from your internal struggles._

"I opened the door, you know?"

Castle lifted his head sharply. "What?"

"I opened my door after you left. I was going to...I don't know. But I knew you could make me forget, and that was all I really wanted."

"Where was I?"

"Your door had just shut."

He dropped his head, swore under his breath. "Shit."

"No."

"But..."

"No, Castle," she stated firmly. "Because we both would've regretted it in the morning. It would've been me using you. And I was still with Josh."

He shook his head to clear his thoughts, regain his perspective. "No, you're right. I just...I hate seeing you in pain, and knowing that I could've done something..." he trailed off. "But you're right, it would've made a mess of things. It would've given you more to worry about. And as much as I didn't like Josh, I never wanted to get in the way of your happiness."

Kate snorted. "I'm not sure I'd call it happiness." At the time, maybe she would have. In retrospect, not so much.

He squeezed her thigh gently. "Nevertheless, it would've made a difficult situation even worse."

"Yeah," she breathed. "Yeah, I know."

She dropped her gaze back to the journal then, to the rest of his letter, and Castle followed suit.

_Anyway, it's late and we have an early morning tomorrow, so I should probably get some sleep. I hope that you find some semblance of relief in your dreams tonight. And if you can't sleep, or you wake in the middle of the night haunted by this case, I hope you know that you can come to me. If you need to talk or need a hug or even if you want to curl up in my bed, you're more than welcome._

_I know I already said all of this once but I just want to make sure that you understand. I will do anything, absolutely anything, to make this easier for you, because I hate seeing you in pain. I hate knowing that you're hurting. I just want you to be happy._

_I want to see you smile._

_Love,_

_Rick_

Silence fell as they both descended into their thoughts, memories of a tumultuous journey across the country in a hunt for justice that bordered on a quest for revenge.

Kate lifted her head suddenly, struck with a thought. "Did I ever show you the letter Royce wrote to me?"

"What letter?"

"Lanie found it in his pocket at the crime scene...he hadn't gotten around to sending it but it was addressed to me."

Castle shook his head. "No, you didn't."

He remembered though, now that she mentioned it. Remembered the darkness, the look of desolation in her eyes as she processed the death of her fallen mentor. The way her demeanor changed after Lanie handed her two pieces of paper, lined and folded together. The way she'd blown off Castle's inquiries as to what it was, all the while never taking her eyes off the page.

Now it all made sense.

"Do you...want to read it?"

Castle shrugged, the hand on her thigh tracing gentle patterns against her skin. "If you want me to."

She hesitated only briefly before standing, crossing to the dresser, to the wooden box on top that held her jewelry and her father's watch at night. She lifted the top section revealing an internal compartment, and from where Castle sat he could only assume that it held trinkets and other valuable and precious items. Kate lifted a small stack of papers, sifted through to find the correct ones.

As he watched, Castle was struck with the sudden urge to know more, to ask about what else was in there, about why she'd saved these items and what they meant to her. But he knew Kate, and he knew that there were still some things that were intensely private to her, her mother being at the top of that list. If Castle had to guess, he'd say that most of what was in the box had once belonged to Johanna. So he restrained himself, forced himself to sit still as she replaced the box and reclaimed her spot next to him. She'd tell him in good time. He trusted her.

Kate faltered only slightly, extended it to him. "Here."

Castle met her eyes in silent reassurance, and only once he found what he was looking for did he set aside the journal, unfold the pages of Royce's letter, and begin to read.

This time, it was Kate's turn to stand by and read over his shoulder as he read the words that she'd long ago committed to memory. As she watched his eyes trace the words, flicking furiously back and forth across the page, she found herself wondering just how many of his letters he knew word for word, how much time he'd spent in her current position.

When he finished he re-folded the letter, handed it back to her wordlessly. Kate stood, returned it to its place, and only when she sat down again did he speak.

"Was that why you opened the door?"

The question caught Kate off guard. "Possibly," she replied after a moment. "It definitely made me take a step back and reconsider."

"Hmmm."

She merely nodded, waited for his next inquiry.

But when he spoke, it wasn't a question. Not at all. It was something that meant so much more. "If he could see us now, I know he'd be so proud of you."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	47. Pretty Dead

_Author's Note: This one is bordering on M...figured I'd keep things nice and light before the angst-fest of Knockout and Rise._

* * *

><p><strong>Pretty Dead<strong>

Kate took a deep breath, released it on a slow exhale as Castle's words echoed in the silence of the bedroom. He was right, and she knew he was right, but along with the feeling of pride Kate felt at his words was the sadness of losing the man who had once played a large role in her life. The man who, regardless of his mistakes, had long ago helped to shape who she'd become as a cop.

And she missed him.

"Sorry," Castle murmured, afraid that he'd gone too far, crossed a line.

But Kate shook her head, covered his hand with her own on her thigh. "No, it's okay." And it was. It was more than okay because she knew Castle was right and it warmed her heart to know that after all Royce did for her, she'd made him proud.

Castle flipped his hand over, twined their fingers together, squeezed gently in assent.

"Too much for one night?" he asked quietly, but to his surprise, Kate shook her head.

"No, it's...let's keep going."

A part of her would always miss Royce, but it wouldn't do for her to fall asleep mourning his death three years after the fact. No. She needed to read the next letter, move on to a different topic.

Castle seemed to understand her train of thought because he picked up the journal again, smiled gently, and Kate offered one in return. She untwined their fingers, lifted her hand to smooth down the page.

_Dear Kate,_

_Were you ever a beauty queen? I know you said your roommate was, but I find myself wondering now if you were, too. You seemed to know an awful lot about it, more than someone would typically find out from a roommate. I think you were and just don't want me to know. Kind of like you denied being a model (which, by the way, I still don't believe)._

_You certainly could have been one. I mean, you're so beautiful. Your eyes. Your gorgeous curves. Your long legs. __God, Kate, I don't think you realize just how captivating you are. I can't ever get enough of just watching you, studying you (and, yes, checking you out)._

_And the mental images of you in a sparkly dress, sauntering across the stage in five inch heels, or you in a bikini that leaves very little to the imagination. I can't get them out of my head. You're just..._

_Stunning. And hot. And sexy. And so many more adjectives that I can't think of right now._

As Castle read, his hand came to rest once again on her thigh, comfort at first but then teasing as his fingers trailed higher and higher, tantalizing, perfectly in tune with his words. Her muscles twitched and fluttered at his touch, up and around to the inside of her thigh, back down at the same agonizingly slow pace, and if he didn't stop _right now,_ they weren't going to make it through this letter.

"Castle," Kate breathed on an exhale.

"Hmmm?"

His hand stilled on the inside of her thigh, far too high on her leg to be innocent, as he returned to reading. Kate too forced herself to focus, to finish the letter _before_ pinning him to the bed, though it was taking all of her self-control to do so.

_I know you always glare at me when you catch me staring at you, but maybe if you saw yourself through my eyes, you'd understand. And maybe you wouldn't be such a horrible tease at times. I'm torn, though, between wishing you would wear a paper bag to work so I wouldn't be so distracted and wishing that you wore lower-cut shirts and pencil skirts. __Not that you don't look hot and sexy in what you normally wear. You look good no matter what, though I admit that I am partial to dark wash jeans and v-neck shirts._

His tongue darted out to flick her earlobe and she clenched her fist at the edge of the mattress, unable to stop the breathy exhale that escaped through her lips.

_Being a beauty queen is more than that, though. I've watched the pageants (only because my mother turned on the TV, thank you very much), I've seen what they're about. And sure, physical beauty plays a role. But it's more than that. There's the talent competition and the questions...things that measure something other than external beauty._

_And believe me, you have a lot more going for you that just what's on the outside. I know you have baggage, but the reality is that we all do. And while some people take that baggage and use it as an excuse for their choices and their poor behavior, you've used yours to become a talented detective. You use it to help you empathize with the victims, to help you fight for what's right and good._

_You use it to be a beautiful person on the inside as well._

_I've never made it a secret that I'm attracted to you. Hell, from day one I was drawn in by how sexy you are. But please don't ever doubt that I see beneath the surface, that I know and understand that there's more to you than meets the eye. __That I fell in love with who you are, inside and out._

_Love,_

_Rick_

No sooner had Kate finished reading than the journal was tossed aside, clattering to the night stand and bumping against the lamp before coming to rest haphazardly on the wooden surface. Her heart was racing, her breathing already shallow from the combination of his loving words and the teasing dance of his fingers over her skin.

She stood on shaky legs and turned, stepped into the space between his thighs, pushed against his shoulders and sent him tumbling back onto the bed. His ankles latched around the backs of her knees, pulled her down with him, a wild frenzy of fingers and teeth and lips and tongues.

Kate was so riled up already that the first round was hot and fast, tangling in the covers, clothing flying in their single-minded quest to get each other naked as quickly as possible, prove exactly how hot and passionate their love was.

They collapsed together afterwards, breathing heavily, limp and sated yet still wanting more, and it wasn't long before desire overtook the heaviness of their limbs, coaxed them into action again.

Round two was slow and exploratory as Castle trailed his fingers and his lips over every single one of the curves to which he'd referred earlier, massaged and caressed the endless lines of her legs. Kate was writhing and panting and gasping and _begging_ and by the time they fell into oblivion together, she was so incredibly relaxed and sleepy that she fell asleep sprawled on top of his chest, bodies still joined in every way.

She truly never had been a beauty queen. But it briefly crossed her mind as she trailed off into sleep that maybe she could put on a little show for Castle sometime soon. She certainly owned high heels and short dresses and a bikini.

Hell, if this was what it led to, she'd do one every night.

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	48. Knockout

**Knockout**

"Whatcha doing?"

Kate lifted her head, followed the sound of his voice to the man in question, leaning against the doorframe with a mug of coffee clutched in his left hand.

"Cleaning off my nightstand."

Castle raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

She grabbed a couple books from the top of it, slid them into the bottom section, which she'd turned into a bookshelf for her absolute favorites long before she'd officially moved into the loft.

(Castle had never let her live down the fact that four of his books were among the ones she stored there.)

She shrugged. "It was a mess."

"Oh."

Kate could hear the footsteps approach, followed his shadow across the room as he crossed to her, sat down on the edge of the bed by her left side. He reached out to pick up the remaining three books, set aside his coffee to look through them.

They'd stumbled upon a used book sale yesterday while spending the day aimlessly wandering the sidewalks and Kate had come home with eight or ten novels, five of which replaced ones that she'd lost all those years ago when Dunn blew up her apartment and had never gotten around to replacing.

He flipped through the pages, read the summaries on the back of the first two from the nightstand. Hmmm. He'd never heard of them before but they sounded interesting enough.

The third one, though...that wasn't new at all. That was their journal, and while Kate slipped the other two books from his hand to slide into their new place, Castle flipped open the leather cover, made his way curiously to the next entry.

"Hey now, no reading without me," Kate scolded lovingly.

Castle lifted his eyes suddenly, face covered with an I-just-got-caught-with-my-hand-in-the-cookie-jar expression, and Kate couldn't help but laugh because he looked so guilty and petulant and just plain adorable with his damp hair and bright blue eyes.

"Kidding," she placated, but Castle caught her hand as she stood, tugged her down on the bed next to him.

"Read with me, then," he requested.

She nudged him gently, feathered her smiling lips across his in approval. "Okay."

_Dear Kate,_

_I don't even know what to say right now. I'm at a loss. We were partners, friends. We worked side by side day after day. And now, we're nothing. We're just...done. And I feel so empty._

_And the worst part is, there's really nothing I can do about it. I can't – won't – apologize. Not for this, because I did what I had to do, and it may not be the popular course of action, but choosing between stepping aside or helping you saving your own life - it's not even a choice._

_You know, Montgomery asked me to stop you, to keep you safe. Just this morning. He told me that I'm the only person who can make you stand down. He put that responsibility on my shoulders. The responsibility of keeping you out of harm's way._

_Your dad asked me, too. He came to the loft the other night wanting to know how dangerous these guys are. Wanting to know if he could trust me to keep you safe. And he did, Kate. He does. He trusts that I can convince you to back down, to protect his only daughter from being taken from him far too soon. People are counting on me to make you let this go. And that's a responsibility that I take very seriously, which is why I stopped by today._

_It was the hardest thing I've ever done, telling you to let go, to walk away from something that means so much to you. I know how important this case is to you. I know how much you've dedicated to it, sacrificed for it. I knew you would hate my suggestion and I expected you to lash out at me._

_But I also know how many people would be destroyed if you died fighting this. Your dad, Josh, Lanie, everyone at the precinct._

_Me._

_There are so many people out there who love you, Kate, and that's why I showed up at your apartment tonight. I was so nervous as to how you'd react that I almost turned back more than once, almost talked myself out of it. But I had to do this. So I went over the conversation a thousand times in my head, had it all planned out. I was going to tell you everything I've told you in this letter; how people would be left behind, forever heartbroken. How people have asked me to protect you. How I love you, and I can't lose you._

_But I never got a chance to say that, because then you asked me what we were and I didn't have a good answer and we started fighting about me having no right to interfere with your life. And you're right. Maybe I don't. But right or not, I'm your partner, and it's my responsibility now. It's in my hands._

_Or, well, I was your partner._

_I guess that's over now, but my responsibility certainly isn't. I still plan to protect you, to make you stand down, one way or another. I don't know how I'll manage, but I owe it to your father and to Montgomery to try. And I will, using whatever means necessary, even if it makes you hate me even more. _

_I meant what I said, you know. You deserve happiness. You deserve to have a life that's not riddled with hurt and pain and the death of a loved one. And I know that will forever be a part of your past, but that doesn't mean that you can't have a future that's not so overshadowed by everything else. And you deserve that, Kate. You deserve to be happy and to be loved and cared for. You deserve to experience life outside of murder, outside of that shell. You deserve to be free to smile and laugh and live and love._

_That's all I ever wanted for you. Even if it's with Josh instead of me. I just want you to have the life you deserve, because to allow yourself to be free and open is so much more amazing than what you've settled for. And I'd hoped that by convincing you to step aside, I could help you see that._

_Instead, I'm sitting at home in my office, trying to hang onto the tiny shard of hope that I'll see you again, that maybe you'll wake up in the morning and understand that I did what I had to do. Because this isn't over, Kate. I'm going to fight for this, for you, because somebody has to be there to look out for you, to protect you, and that person is me._

_You can hate me all you want for asking you to step away, you can throw me out of your life and never speak to me again, but I'll still be there for you, no matter what._

_Because I love you._

_-Rick_

"My dad talked to you?"

Castle nodded, lifted his eyes to hers. "Yeah. Showed up at the door one night right after Lockwood's escape. I'm guessing he must've just talked to you or something, because he knew the gist of what was going on."

"What did he say?" Kate questioned.

"Asked me about the people you were after, about how dangerous they were. He was...terrified, Kate. He told me that he couldn't lose you to them, not after your mom. He just..." Castle shook his head. "I don't remember the whole conversation because I was still in shock at the fact that he was there and asking me to protect you. But I remember thinking that he looked so stricken. And I remember being both honored and overwhelmed that he trusted me with your life. I mean, he hardly knew me."

Kate nodded thoughtfully, reached out a finger to absent-mindedly trace the edges of the journal. "I never knew. But I guess it makes sense. I mean, he was rooting for us from the beginning. He liked you way before I did."

"Your dad?"

She grimaced, shook her head at the memory. "God, I wanted to smack him at times. Always asking me about you and if you'd asked me out yet. Kept saying that it was so obvious that you had feelings for me, and I just kept rolling my eyes and telling him he was being ridiculous."

"He's a smart man," Castle said affectionately, smiling fondly as he thought of the man who'd become almost like a father to him, much in the same way that Martha had come to play a motherly role in Kate's life.

Kate rolled her eyes. "Shut up, smug doesn't suit you."

But she kissed him sweetly, hands coming to rest against his chest and Castle allowed himself to be swept under her spell, closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around her as her taste and scent and warm body surrounded him.

Anything to distract her from reading any more, from moving on to the letters that he knew would break their hearts all over again, because he knew exactly what came next, knew it almost word for word.

Kate's fingers found the bare skin of his side then, peeking beneath his shirt and travelling up, higher and higher, and he could feel his muscles dancing and rippling beneath her touch, could feel the heat seeping through his veins. The way she could overpower him so quickly, could reel him in... It was just. God, he loved her.

"I really thought you were gonna tell me, you know?" Kate spoke as they came up for air, breaths hot and heavy and mingling in the space between them.

"What?"

She leaned back a bit to meet his eyes, deep cobalt and cloudy with passion. "In my apartment that night."

Her apartment? That night? Oh, she was back to the letter? How was she still thinking about his letter after that kiss? He could not even remember a single word of it, had to force his brain to retrace their conversation to figure out what she was talking about.

She saved him the trouble, however, by elaborating. "That you loved me. When I asked you what we were, and you hesitated, and you were looking at me in this way that just...I don't know." She shrugged. "It briefly crossed my mind that you were in love with me. I think a part of me wanted –needed – to hear it."

"Would it have changed the outcome?" Castle mused.

"I want to tell you yes," she said slowly, thoughtfully, debating her words. "But truthfully, probably not. At that point, my mom's case was still more important."

He nodded understandingly, not hurt by her admission because he already knew it to be the truth. Not until she'd showed up at his doorstep soaking wet with tears in her eyes had he – or anything, for that matter – become more important than her mom's case.

"It's okay," Castle assured her, lifting a hand to guide her lips back to his.

"Promise?" she asked against him, warm breaths mingling in the infinitesimal space between them.

Their lips met gently at first, passion rising again as Kate's hand slid into his hair, her nails against his scalp, and a moan escaped her mouth and, God, she was just so incredibly sexy. And maybe back then, her mother's case had been the most important thing, but it was different now, and Castle knew that.

Now, the most important thing was him, them. She loved him. And that was what mattered.

He softened the kiss momentarily, pulled away just enough to whisper one final word. "Promise."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	49. Rise (Part I)

_Author's Note: Let the angst-fest begin._

* * *

><p><strong>Rise (Part I)<strong>

"Kate..."

She lifted her head, met Castle's eyes, deep blue and pleading. "Hmmm?"

She had just crawled into their bed and was reaching for the journal but stopped midway, hand suspended, at the look on his face, the concern in his voice. Like he didn't want her to read.

And the truth was that he didn't. Because he knew very well what came next, knew that they were in for a long string of emotional and painful letters. He'd selfishly been trying to steer them away from reading all week because he wasn't sure he could handle reading them again, and he also was hesitant as to how she would react. No matter what, he knew that old and difficult memories were going to be brought to the surface, memories that he never wished to relive. But the reality was that it was a part of their history, no matter how painful, and she had a right to read them, to know.

Nevertheless, he felt an obligation to warn her first.

Castle swallowed hard, picked up the journal himself and walked around to his side of the bed. He climbed in silently, situated himself against the pillows, leaning back against the headboard.

"Is everything okay?" Kate asked, concerned.

He dropped his gaze to the journal, lifted it back to her. "These next ones are...difficult." She looked confused and he elaborated. "From when you were..."

Oh.

_Oh._

From when she was shot. Which made sense, considering that the last letter they'd read had been from just before that.

She swallowed hard against the tide of hurt and pain that washed over her, forced back the memories, the grief of that summer. The last summer they'd ever spent apart.

"If you don't want to..." she began.

Castle shook his head. "No, no, I...I mean, this is your journal as much as it's mine. And I can't stop you from reading them. I just...want you to be prepared. I was a mess, Kate. I was angry and sad and miserable and it shows."

She took a deep breath, exhaled slowly. She could do this. She really could. And as painful as it would be, she was pretty sure that they needed it. Needed to really dig deep and talk about that summer in the same way that they'd talked about all of the other things they'd been through together.

A lot had happened in those three months apart about which they'd rarely spoken. Castle knew that she and Josh had broken up. She knew that he'd been really angry with her. He knew that she'd gone to her dad's cabin, essentially fell into seclusion aside from therapy.

But that was it.

She knew nothing about how he'd passed those three months, how he'd felt (though she had a pretty good idea). He knew nothing of the grueling therapy she'd endured, the sleepless nights and stabbing pains and feelings of utter helplessness and hopelessness.

He had no idea that it was him who helped her through that summer, that even though he was absent from her life in person his words had given her the drive and the strength to fight back.

Kate nodded to herself. Yeah, they needed to do this.

"Are you staying?"

Castle looked shocked. "Me?"

"I mean - I didn't know if you wanted to read them again or not."

He already knew them word for word, but that was beside the point. "I'm not leaving you alone with them."

_Dear Kate,_

_We've known each other for over two years now and you know I'm a pretty optimistic person, that not a lot gets me down. But I can say with absolute certainty that yesterday was the worst day of my life. God, it will haunt me forever._

_The gunshot._

_You falling to the ground, blood pouring out of your chest, staining your uniform, covering my hands._

_I can still feel it there, Kate. No matter how many times I wash my hands, it's still there, lingering, a constant reminder that I almost lost you, that you're currently fighting for your life, alone in a cold, white room._

_But nothing, nothing, was worse than watching your eyes close, seeing the lights go out. Watching you slip away while I sat there helplessly. I've never felt so useless in my life. And every time I close my eyes, I'm back in that cemetery, watching you die._

_God, Kate. You lost so much blood. I thought I'd lost you forever. And I've never felt so broken as I did during those seven agonizing hours I spent in the hospital waiting room. I was too numb to even notice that I was exhausted, that the hard plastic chairs were making my entire body hurt. The pain in my heart outweighed everything._

_I mean, how could I feel anything else when I thought I might never see you again?_

_I've never truly been able to say that I understand how you felt when your mother was taken from you, but now I can almost imagine. I don't know how you ever recovered from that, moved on with your life, but I think my respect for you just quadrupled. Because I don't think I'd ever recover if I lost you. And I don't even have you to begin with._

_I know you don't remember, but I finally told you what I've been saying in these letters for months. I love you, Kate. I said it out loud. I hate that it took you dying in my arms for me to man up and admit it, and I hate even more that you don't remember it. But I hope that your brain did register it at the time, that it gave you something to cling to in what were almost your final moments._

_And I hope that someday soon, I have the chance to say it again in a less dire situation. Maybe when we're drinking coffee at the murder board, or over dinner at my place. Or yours. Or maybe even when you finally agree to let me take you out on a date, complete with dinner, dancing, and a kiss goodnight._

_But until then, I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you. I'll be working every day, along with Ryan and Espo, to find your sniper, to put this case to rest, once and for all. I'm doing it for you, Kate, and Montgomery and your mother and father and everyone else whose life has been torn apart by this conspiracy._

_We'll find him, Kate. We will. I promise you that. He's going to pay for what he did. And he's never going to hurt you again. I will make sure of that._

_No one gets to take you away from us. From me._

_I need you._

_I miss you._

_I love you._

_-Rick_

Kate let the journal fall to her lap, took a deep breath to stave off the tears that threatened to fall. It was over. They'd survived it, come out of the ordeal stronger for having made it through. And despite the grief and pain it had caused at the time, it would forever be a part of them, of who they'd become, together.

"You okay?" Castle murmured, sneaking a hand behind her back and letting it fall on her opposite hip.

She leaned into him, rested her head on his shoulder. "Yeah. Yeah, I am."

He pressed a kiss to her temple, felt Kate sigh in response.

Together, they could get through this.

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	50. Rise (Part II)

_Author's Note: I apologize for what I'm putting our beloved characters through but, well, this chapter kind of ran away from me and just...happened. _

* * *

><p><strong>Rise (Part II)<strong>

Eventually Kate lifted her head, reached to turn the page of the journal, but Castle snagged her wrist, stopped her.

"I think that's enough for one night."

She shook her head, met his eyes firmly. "No, let's do it all now. I don't wanna have to relive it more than once."

He sighed heavily, dropped her arm to run a hand over his face. Logically, he knew her suggestion made sense. And the faster they made it through, the faster they could move on. But it was just...a lot. Living through it once was exhausting enough, especially considering that he'd relived it in his dreams countless times since that summer. The last thing he wanted to do was relive it again and have to actually talk about it. But they needed to.

Yeah, okay, she was right.

Castle grasped the other side of the journal and together they lifted it to rest against their bent knees. "Okay, let's keep going."

_Dear Kate,_

_I know it's only been three days since I last wrote but I miss you. And I hope you're doing better. You have to be. I'll never forgive myself if you don't make it through this._

_This was my fault, you know. I was the one who reopened the case. At the time, all I wanted was to help you find closure. But if I'd known what was going to happen - cover-ups and conspiracies and more murders and you getting shot - I'd have left it alone._

_I never wanted to put you in danger, Kate. You deserve the truth. I still believe that. But more than that, you deserve to live and be happy and not have to worry about whether you will live to see the next day. I know you're a cop and that's part of your job. But there shouldn't be more on top of that. One person can only carry so many burdens._

_I hate that this has happened. That I was too selfish two years ago to think ahead, consider the consequences. That my reaction time was too slow to pull you out of the way, save you from that bullet. And if there's anything I can do to make this stop, to keep you safe, I'm going to do it. No matter what. And maybe that's selfish of me, too, since I can't imagine not having you in my life, but that's just the way it is. I got a glimpse into that world a few days ago and I never want to find myself there again. Never. So I will do whatever it takes._

_I would die for you, Kate, if it meant that you would live to see another day._

_I don't even have you, but I know that I could never live without you._

_I love you so much._

_-Rick_

"Castle, you can't do that," Kate said with a sigh as she finished reading, let the journal drop again.

It'd always been a point of contention for them, the willingness of each to die for the other. They'd fought about it more than once and every time they came to the same dead end. In fact, it was the one fight they'd had that Castle had thought might truly break them.

_He pulled her out of the way._

_He jumped in front of her when a suspect pulled a gun, wrapped his arms around her and tugged her down behind the stack of palettes in the warehouse. The bullets ricocheted over both of their heads, whizzing through the spot that seconds ago had been occupied by Kate's left shoulder, as Castle pinned her to the ground, out of the line of fire._

_Thankfully Ryan and Esposito arrived just then, charged in and shot the man in the leg before he had a chance to fire off any more rounds. They disarmed and cuffed him, checked to see that everyone was okay, and led him away, leaving Kate and Castle alone in the empty warehouse._

_Only then did Castle loosen his hold on her, roll over to sit up. "Are you okay?"_

_She was up on her knees before he knew it, shoving him back against the palettes. "What the hell were you thinking?"_

"_He had a gun," Castle protested, hands raised in innocence._

"_Yeah, I know. And you jumped in front of it."_

"_Well I wasn't gonna let you get shot."_

"_Castle, I'm the one with the gun," Kate snapped. "I'm the one who should be doing the protecting."_

"_And I'm your partner, and if you think that means I'm gonna idly stand by and watch you get shot _again,_ then you're mistaken."_

"_He wasn't going to shoot."_

"_He did," Castle exclaimed, gesturing wildly above him to the path of the bullet. "He shot right at where you were standing."_

"_I have a vest on."_

"_And there's a lot of you that's not covered by that vest."_

"_Castle..."_

"_Kate..."_

_She sighed heavily, stood and turned away from him. They were in a deserted warehouse in Washington Heights in the middle of the night. She was exhausted and needed to get back to the precinct. And they really didn't have the time for this fight right now._

"_Later, okay?" she asked, though it wasn't really a question._

"_Kate..."_

_But she walked away without a backwards glance, the click of her heels echoing through the dull silence._

_Castle got to his feet as he heard the door slam shut behind her, trudged out of the building and across the street to the cruiser. Kate was already behind the wheel and the engine was running but it wasn't in gear; waiting for him, even in her anger. He slid in without a word and the ride back to the precinct was made in complete and utter silence._

_Ryan and Esposito had already dropped the suspect off to be treated for the bullet wound in his leg and were just getting started on the booking paperwork. But since he was in the hospital at least until the morning, Kate called them off for the night, sent everyone home, herself included._

_To her own apartment._

_Unsurprisingly, there was a knock on her door not ten minutes after she arrived home, and when she stubbornly refused to answer, Castle simply inserted the key she'd given him the month before, let himself in._

_He found her curled up in bed, dressed in pajama shorts and the soft grey t-shirt that she'd stolen from him, cheeks stained with tears. He toed off his shoes, crept over to kneel by the edge of the bed._

"_Kate."_

"_Castle please, not right now."_

"_I'm not sorry," he pressed, unwilling to take no for an answer right now. "I won't apologize for saving your life. I love you. It was instinct."_

_She blinked back the next wave of tears, forced herself to look him in the eye. "That instinct is going to get you killed."_

"_If our positions had been reversed, what would you have done?"_

"_That's not the same," she fought back, a weak argument she knew, but it was all she had right now and she was desperate for him to understand. Desperate for him to realize that she would never recover from losing him._

"_Yes it is," Castle continued. "It's exactly the same. I love you. I don't want to live without you. So I did what I could to protect you."_

"_But what if you'd gotten hurt?" Kate asked, drilling straight down to the bedrock of the issue with just one sentence._

"_If it saved you, it would've been worth it."_

_She shook her head, swiped a hand across her cheek to wipe away the tears. Her anger seemed to have dissipated somewhat, though, which was good. "Castle, I couldn't live with that."_

"_And I can't live without you."_

_Kate sighed heavily, buried her face in her pillow, because really, what more could they do from this point? She didn't want to lose him and he didn't want to lose her. Both of them would go to whatever means necessary to protect each other._

_It was a stalemate, and one with no good solution._

"_Just...be careful, okay?" she said eventually, voice soft even in the quiet of the room._

"_Same goes for you," he murmured, carding a hand through her hair._

_She lifted her head, met his gaze with watery eyes. "You just gonna sit on the floor all night?"_

"_I wasn't sure if you wanted, ummm..."_

"_Castle, get in the bed."_

_He stood quickly, fumbled his way out of his jacket and shirt and jeans and socks until he was clad only in a white t-shirt and boxers. Kate scooted back, lifted the covers for him to join her, and he did so eagerly but still a bit tentatively._

_It wasn't the last time they'd have that fight. Of that he was sure. But at least now they knew where each other stood._

"Kate, we've been over this," he pressed, pulling her from her recollections.

She sighed heavily, shoulders sagging. "I know."

It ate at her every day, the worry, the potential that the night might come when one of them didn't make it home. She'd accepted it long ago with herself, knew that it was a risk inherent to her job. But now that she had him, everything was different.

"You know I'm careful," he said softly.

She nodded. "I know. And so am I."

Castle nuzzled into her hair, held her close with the arm that was still around her. "Then that's all we can do. That and make the best of the time that we have together."

"I know."

And she did. It'd been difficult at first to accept that it really was worth it, that loving each other so thoroughly for however much time they had was worth the eventual pain they would experience. But she knew better now. She knew that it was worth it.

Because she wouldn't trade her current happiness for anything.

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	51. Rise (Part III)

_Author's Note: Thank you to everyone who reviewed last chapter. With school underway I can't promise time to respond to each one but know that I read all of them. And to my anon reviewer anitasubtext, hold onto that suggestion, because I think you're going to enjoy chapter 52!_

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><p><strong>Rise (Part III)<strong>

"Are there more?" Kate asked after a minute or two of silence.

Castle nodded, didn't even have to turn the page to check. He knew these ones by heart. "One."

She contemplated for a moment, looked up to meet his eyes. "Should we?"

"Yeah, yeah. We should. Last one." Get it over with as quickly as possible.

Kate pressed a kiss to the skin of his neck as he picked up the journal, prepared for one last page of heartbreak and agony from that awful summer.

_Dear Kate,_

_I don't even know what to say, really. It's been six weeks. Six long, miserable, lonely weeks. And I haven't heard a damn thing from you since the day you woke from surgery. Nothing._

_I can only assume that you're doing okay, that you're recovering well. I don't know if you're still in the hospital or if you're home now, with Josh, letting him nurse you back to health. I know he's your boyfriend, he's the one who should be doing that job. And I hope you're letting him take care of you, because you deserve to have someone who will. But I want it to be me, Kate. I want to be the one who holds your hand when the pain is too much, who cradles you in his arms and makes you feel better._

_But I'm not, because that's never been the way things are between us. We've always kept our distance, and it's for that reason that I'm respecting your need for space. I don't want to, though, because I've grown to hate this whole distance thing. I can't stand it anymore. I want, no, need to come find you, see for myself that you're okay, because just hoping isn't cutting it anymore._

_Part of me doesn't want to see you, though, because I'm not sure my heart could take it. Not if you're still with Josh, living with him, or engaged to him, or whatever has happened in the last few weeks. I don't think I could handle that. Because it should be me, Kate. I'd give anything to be in his place. Anything._

_Alexis told me the other day that I should stop. That I can't keep 'moping around and waiting for something that's never going to happen.' Her words, not mine. That hurt to hear, but part of me can't help but think that maybe she's right. I like to think that I'm important to you, that you enjoy having me in your life as much as I enjoy being there. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I've been living in fiction, creating a reality for us that's never going to be._

_I really believed you, Kate, when you said you'd call me. Now, with each passing day, I'm losing my faith in you. In us. In the future I've always wanted us to have. Maybe that's because it was never meant to be. And maybe someday I'll actually be able to accept that._

_But until then, I'll continue to cling to the tiny thread of hope that someday, maybe even someday soon, I'll see you again._

_Yes, I'm angry._

_And yes, I have a right to be._

_But in spite of it all, I still love you._

_-Rick_

"I..." a teardrop fell on the page, smudging a couple letters, and Kate made to wipe it off but Castle caught her hand, stopped her.

"Leave it," he said softly. "There's a couple of mine on there too."

"I'm so sorry," she said sadly, her stomach clenching, heart constricting in her chest. "God, I had no idea. I was so selfish."

"It's okay," he placated. "It's in the past."

She shook her head. "It's not. I had no idea how badly I hurt you, Castle. How could you..." she choked up, unable to finish the sentence.

_How could you still love me after this?_

"I love you," he whispered, reading her mind, knowing she needed the reassurance. "I love you so much, Kate. And that means that we're going to hurt each other. It's inevitable. But I forgave you a long time ago."

"How?" she sniffed.

He held her tighter, kissed her softly. "Because you're worth it."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	52. Rise (Part IV)

**Rise (Part IV)**

Kate set aside the journal after a few moments, returning it to its place on the night stand. It was the last letter from that summer and they needed to be done for the night, but as she replaced the book she was struck with a sudden thought. Wordlessly, she slipped out of his embrace and climbed out of bed, flinching slightly as her feet came in contact with the cold floor.

Castle's response was immediate as he reached out, tried to catch her around the waist, but she was too quick. "Kate..."

"No, I just..."

"Kate, come back, please."

She turned and pressed a kiss to his lips, silencing him. "I'm not going anywhere. I just - I have something I want to show you."

She crossed to the dresser, opened the same wooden box from which she'd recently retrieved the letter from Royce. Kate extracted a different sheet of paper this time, replaced the box, then made her way back to the bed, stopping as she approached to squat down and retrieve a novel from the collection she kept in her nightstand. She set the book next to her pillow, slipped wordlessly back into bed, into the cove created by the side of Castle's body.

He was regarding her curiously, eyes deep blue and questioning.

"I wrote this that summer," she said tentatively, holding the paper out to him. "It's...I never had the courage to send it, but it's for you."

He took it tenderly, unfolded the page to see line after line of her familiar scrawl. "You're sure?"

She nodded, leaned closer. She never thought the day would come when Castle actually read this, but given the circumstances, it seemed right to share it with him now. "Yes."

"Okay."

_Dear Castle,_

_God, I miss you so much._

_It's been so long since I've seen your face, heard your voice, laughed at one of your jokes. I don't think I realized how much light you brought to my life until you weren't here by my side. And I know that for that I have no one to blame but myself._

_But there are some things that need to be done alone, for whatever reason, and for me this is one of them._

_That doesn't stop me from missing you, though._

_Which is the first reason I'm writing to you today. I've never been much of one to write letters, especially ones that I'll never send. But you've told me before that writing is a good way to sort out feelings, so I'm giving it a shot._

_Anyway, I think you figured out long ago that I'm a fan of your books, but I've never told you just how true that is. My mom loved your books. She owned every one you had published at the time, and they were always among her favorites. I never used to read them, always rolled my eyes every time she started talking about how great they were, or that a new one was being released._

_But after her death, when I was going through her things, I found her collection of them. I took them home with me one day, because I thought it might help me feel closer to her, and I ended up reading the first one in a single night. And it helped, not only because I was reading her old novels, but also because in the end, the justice was served._

_I was falling apart, Castle. My dad was already drowning in the bottle, and I was trying to keep both of us afloat, but I was drowning too. And I was furious; at the man who destroyed my family, at the world for making my life so unfair, at the cops who wrote the case off as random violence. Even back then, before I joined the academy, I didn't believe them._

_But I digress. Your books gave me hope, Castle. They renewed my faith in the good of humanity, in the fact that at least in that world, the guilty were punished and the innocent were given closure. They reminded me that it wasn't over, that I could fight back, and maybe someday I too could have the same ending._

_Why am I telling you this now? Because even though you aren't here, your books, your words, are with me, and they're helping me get through each day. When I'm in pain, feeling helpless or angry, when all of this just gets to be too much, I read your books. I brought quite a few of them with me. My link to the real world, I guess you could say. My link to you._

_I haven't seen you in almost two months now, and I'm sure you hate me for not calling almost as much as I hate myself for being too cowardly to do so. I could give you a million excuses for my decision, but they probably wouldn't help. Because the truth is, I lied to you, Rick, and I don't think I can face that just yet. But I can't face the truth either._

_I told you, that day in the hospital, that I didn't remember the shooting. Sometimes, I still try to convince myself of that fact. But the truth is that I do remember it. All of it. I haven't told anybody, I've tried to bury it down, hide it away in the box of things that I don't want to deal with. But I need to let it out somehow, which is my real reason for writing this letter._

_I heard you, Castle. It was the last thing I heard before I passed out, the first thing I remembered when I woke after surgery. And along with your books, those three words are giving me the strength to fight through this because I know that wherever you are, whatever you're doing, you're somewhere out there, loving me._

_And that makes all the difference in the world._

_I broke up with Josh. I couldn't keep stringing him along. You were right when you said I was hiding, that I wasn't truly happy. I didn't want to hear it, but you were right. So we broke up, the day I left the hospital. There were a lot of reasons, some of which you already know. But there was another reason, too, Castle._

_It wasn't right for me to be with him when my heart belonged to someone else. You._

_Someday, I hope I have the strength to tell you that. Someday when I can stand on my own two feet again, when I'm not haunted by this pain, by this case, by almost dying. When this case has been wrapped up and I can stop hiding behind the hurt and grief and loss and fear. Someday soon, I want to be strong enough to let myself love you, and to let you love me too._

_So please forgive me, Castle, for not calling you, for avoiding you, and for lying to you. I know I've made some bad choices amidst all of this, but I want you to know that I'm trying to do what is best for us in the long run. I'm trying to do whatever it takes for me to be whole again, for me to be deserving of you, and for me to be stable enough to allow us to have the chance we deserve._

_I promise you that one day I will tell you this in person, but for now this will have to suffice._

_I miss you._

_I love you._

_Kate_

There were tears in his eyes when he finished reading, and Kate reached up gently, caught the few that had escaped. She leaned in, pressed a kiss to each cheek, directly over the trails left by the moisture.

"Thank you," he said quietly.

"For what?"

He held her closer, bodies fully aligned. "For sharing that with me."

"Does it help?" Kate asked hesitantly, curious to know if her letter did for him what his have done for her. "Knowing, I mean."

He nodded against her. "It does. And in retrospect, it all makes sense. The whys, you know?"

"I do know," she answered honestly. "It's what every one of your letters has shown me."

Castle kissed the bare skin of her shoulder, tongue slipping out to taste her skin.

She hummed softly, nuzzled her nose into his neck.

"Why the book?" he asked after a moment, reaching over her to pick it up, turn it over in his hands.

"Open it," she said softly.

Castle flipped open the cover of _Storm's Break_, unsure of what he was looking for. He didn't have to go far, though. There, on the very first page, was his signature.

_To Kate,_

_Never stop fighting._

_Richard Castle_

"I...I signed this?"

"Yeah."

"I don't remember."

Kate cupped his jaw, looked at him so tenderly that his heart skipped a beat. "Rick, it was twelve years ago. I looked a lot different and I was one of a thousand people you met that day. I don't expect you to."

"Yeah but..."

"Barnes and Noble in Union Square." She silenced him with an answer to his unspoken question. "Two thousand and two. I waited in line for hours."

"I wasn't...was I an ass to you?"

She shook her head. "You asked me my name, smiled at me. Said thank you."

"Good."

"It helped," she added softly. "Your words."

"It did?"

"Never stop fighting," she murmured. "Yeah, it did."

"I never knew," he said softly, eyes still fixed on his own handwriting.

"Never knew what?"

"Why my books helped you so much. I just thought you read them because you liked them."

She smiled gently. "Well, there's that too."

"Yeah but," he paused, searched for the right words, "That's why I write Kate - to help people. And knowing that you were one of those people, knowing that my words were able to reach you during the hardest time of your life...it makes every late night last minute scramble to meet my deadline worth it."

Kate removed the novel from his hand, folded the letter neatly inside the front cover, deposited it on the nightstand, then settled back into his arms. She kissed him softly, just once, then snuggled into his warm embrace.

"I love you."

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: There will be a companion one-shot of sorts to this chapter. It's a random spinoff that popped into my head while I was writing this chapter and it's not necessarily canon with the story I've created here, but it's related in a way. Confused yet? Long story short, if that sounds like something you might be interested in, keep an eye out for it in the next day or two. Or, you know, put me on alert. Something like that.<em>

_Anyway, ideas/suggestions/thoughts, etc?_


	53. Rise (Part V)

_Author's Note: I admit, I've kind of gone over board with Rise...but it was just so good! We'll get past it at some point, I promise. Also, I received so many lovely reviews last chapter and I haven't had a chance to reply to them but thank you so very much to each and every one of you! And in case you missed the spinoff from the last chapter, it's called Beyond The Page, and you can find it on my profile._

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><p><strong>Rise (Part V)<strong>

"Castle?"

"Yeah?"

Kate shook her head. "Not tonight."

He replaced the journal on the nightstand, rolled over to face her. "Why not?"

"Because we've had such a good day and the next one..." she trailed off.

It had been a great day at the precinct. They'd had no case, very little paperwork, and a lot of free time. Castle had ordered pizza for lunch and the team had taken over the break room, talking and laughing and eating way too much. Gates stepped out for the afternoon to attend meetings for...something. Castle hadn't heard much beyond 'I'll be away at meetings this afternoon,' because, really, that was all he'd needed to know.

They hadn't been disruptive or misbehaving, per se, but there had been a lack of adhering to such strict levels of conduct. Add to that the freedom to steal kisses - slightly inappropriate kisses - in the break room without being admonished, and by the time they'd arrived at the loft, Kate promptly found herself pinned against the door, Castle's thigh wedging its way between her legs, hands sneaking up her shirt to span the bare skin of her back.

Needless to say, it had been a fun evening.

And then, Kate had topped it off by slipping out of bed while Castle snored softly beside her, pulling on one of his button-downs, making breakfast for dinner, and serving it to Castle in bed.

Which promptly led to the discarding of said button-down and the beginning of round three.

It was now nearing eleven, but Kate had the day off tomorrow and nowhere else to be at any specific time, which meant that Castle fully intended to keep her in bed for as long as possible. Which also meant that there was no immediate need for sleep.

And despite the fact that he should be exhausted - and he was, physically - his brain was wide awake, in need of stimulation.

But reading the journal wasn't the solution, apparently.

"The next one is what?" he prompted gently bringing her thoughts back into focus.

"Probably another rough one, right? After I came back to the precinct."

Right. After she'd showed up unexpectedly, leaving him angry and full of heartache, but still so madly and desperately in love with her. After they'd worked everything out.

But he was pretty sure that he'd written to her _before_ they straightened everything out, before they'd re-solidified their partnership.

"I think so, yeah," he murmured, rolling over again and peeking into the journal to double check. He flipped to the letter, propped himself on one elbow as he scanned the words. Yeah. It was a difficult one. In fact, he'd forgotten just how angry he'd been with her. The memories were forever engrained but the sharp sting of the emotions had faded with time, and as he read it now, he found himself surprised at the intensity of his words.

"Yeah," Castle affirmed as he skimmed the page.

He felt Kate shift, her chest coming into contact with his back, her chin coming to rest on his shoulder. He tilted his chin to brush his lips over her temple, watched as the corners of her mouth upturned slightly.

Her eyes, however, didn't waver in their gaze, fixed intently on the open page of the journal, raw emotion strung out bare.

_Dear Kate,_

_I have a question for you: did you really want to see me again, or did you only come find me because you had to? Because you needed those files? If I hadn't had them, would you ever have come back?_

_I can't help but think that was the only reason. After all, if you could be without me for three months when all I needed was you, am I really that important to you? Do my feelings matter at all? Or am I still just that guy who follows you around and is sometimes pretty helpful?_

_Am I ever going to have a chance with you, Kate, or are you always going to do everything you can to push me away?_

"I thought you didn't want to read," Castle pointed out inquiringly, interrupting her reading.

She shrugged against him. "I didn't."

"But...?"

Kate shrugged again, nuzzled into him so her lips brushed his cheek as she spoke. "But you had it open and now I'm curious and..." she trailed off. "Sorry."

"No, no," he said quickly. "It's fine. Whatever you want."

Her hand came to rest on his waist, fingers tracing soothing patterns against the skin there, still warm and slightly damp from their earlier activities.

He'd already glanced at the letter. She'd read part of it. The words had already been absorbed and there was no way to unread them, push them from the forefront of her psyche. Not until they read all of it, had a chance to talk about it and pacify each other's hurt. It wasn't exactly how she wanted to end the day, but maybe it would work out all right.

"We might as well."

"If you're sure."

She nodded against him, the smooth skin of her cheek brushing against the slight stubble on his. "I am."

"Okay," he acquiesced, eyes falling to the page again.

_You said 'always' a few months back, you know. I remember. You looked me in the eye and said it. And I thought that you meant it. I thought you understood the implications, the promise you made to me when you spoke that word. I thought you understood what that word has come to mean to me, to us._

_Because when I said it, I meant it, Kate. I didn't mean I'd disappear for three months and then show up like everything was just fine. I meant that I would be there for you through everything. Because I love you._

_The moment I looked up and saw you this afternoon, I couldn't decide whether to smile or cry or reject you or kiss you. I didn't think it was possible to be so hurt and upset and elated at the same time. God, Kate, do you even realize that you do this to me? Do you even understand that you have my heart and, along with it, the power to hurt me deeply?_

_You're lucky I'm so hopelessly in love with you, because if I wasn't, I probably wouldn't have forgiven you so easily. I'm still angry. Believe me. But I understand your reasons and I know that you were doing what you thought you needed to do. So I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt on this one. I'm giving you a chance to do what is needed, and I'll stand by your side, do whatever I can to help you._

_If you're committed to knocking down this wall, opening up your heart, then I'm committed, too. And I sincerely hope that when that wall comes down, I'm the one you're searching for._

_If not, maybe it's time for us to stop speaking in subtext and just come clean about our feelings, because if there's no chance that you're ever going to return my feelings, then maybe it's time for me to move on. I don't know how I could ever manage that, how I could walk away from you and ever feel whole again. But for you, I would try._

_You've made me a better person, Kate, and not only do I not want to lose sight of who I am when I'm with you, but I'm also afraid to go back to who I was before. I don't want to be that person again. But I guess maybe it's time for me to figure out how to manage without you._

_Just thinking about this, writing it down - it's bringing tears to my eyes. That's what you do to me, Kate. You bring me to tears at just the thought of not having you in my life. That's how much I love you._

_God, I wish you remembered that I told you that. I know it's not your fault, but if you knew, maybe things would be different between us right now._

_But alas, things are the way they are, and there's not a lot I can do about it at the moment. The things I want to say are things you probably aren't ready to hear. So I'll wait, patiently, until you're ready. I'll keep showing up, trying to prove to you every day just how much I love you._

_I'll keep pretending that things will get better, that someday we'll have our chance._

_And even if that turns out to be just a fantasy, I'll always have the knowledge that loving you has made me a better man._

_Love,_

_Rick_

"I'm so sorry," she whispered as soon as she finished, caught up in the storm of emotions that she'd caused him. The pain, the anguish.

She knew that they'd moved past that now, but it still ate at her that she'd forced him to endure so much. Yes, it'd been his choice to wait. Yes, she'd needed to take care of some things before she was ready to be with him. They'd both understood that. But now, reading his words and feeling his pain, she wished that she could've had the foresight, the ability to go about things differently.

To deal with her problems without shutting him out so harshly.

"Don't be," he answered, shocking her.

"What?"

Castle rolled over to face her, shrugged, and she settled back away from him, propped herself up on one elbow. "It wasn't ideal, but it's over. We got through it."

"But still..."

"Kate," he interrupted, silencing her. "You meant well. I understand that. In your mind, the end justified the means, and maybe it hurt at the time, but it got us where we needed to be, didn't it?"

"Yes, but..."

"But nothing," Castle stated, reaching up to cup her jaw. "I'm telling you right now, you don't need to beat yourself up over this."

Kate sighed, some of the tension draining from her shoulders. Maybe they shouldn't have read. Maybe they should have just put it back while they still had the chance.

But as she looked up at him, blue eyes clear and calm, she realized that maybe he was right. He clearly harbored no ill will, no residual hurt feelings from her actions; if he did, she'd be able to see it in his eyes.

Instead, there was only love.

She relaxed completely now, the tightness flowing out of her muscles as his gaze wrapped around her, reminded her of the here and now rather than the moments in their past in which they'd torn each other's hearts to pieces.

"Okay," she agreed, the word a soft exhale. "Okay. I won't."

Castle smiled gently, corners of his mouth upturning ever so slightly. He reached behind him to put the journal away, restore the peaceful calmness that had settled over them before they read.

"And Kate?" he called softly as he settled into the pillows, head resting on his folded arm.

She blinked up at him. "Hmmm?"

"It was worth it. Every single moment of wanting you, missing you, aching for you...it was worth it, because now I have you."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	54. Rise (Part VI)

_Author's Note: I think I replied to everyone's reviews last chapter...if I didn't, it's because I didn't actually get it because ff was being dumb. But thank you to all of you who attempted to leave a review. This is (finally) the last chapter for Rise, and because everyone seemed to love it the last time I did a chapter like this, I decided to throw one more into the mix. Enjoy!_

* * *

><p><strong>Rise (Part VI)<strong>

"Do you, umm, want to read more?" Kate asked hesitantly, lifting her hazel eyes to Castle's blue ones.

He shrugged slightly, reached for the journal again. "I guess so."

"No not..." she caught his arm, stopped him. "Not that. From me, actually...there's another letter that I wrote you right about that time."

His eyes widened, sparkling with curiosity and excitement. "Really?"

Kate nodded, smiled tentatively. "Yeah. I can get it if you want."

"Yeah sure, if you want me to read it."

She sat up, slipped out of his arms. "I think it'd be good for us."

"Okay."

She crossed to the same wooden box, extracted a third sheet of paper, this time from the very bottom, buried beneath all the other contents of the box. This one was folded multiple times, as though she'd attempted to hide it, to distance herself as much as possible from her words.

Before his brain had a chance to conjure up various explanations, she was climbing back into bed, arranging herself on her side, facing him. She gingerly unfolded the paper, smoothing out the creases almost absent-mindedly with her index finger.

She held it out to him slowly. "I haven't read this since I wrote it. I don't...I don't even remember what it says, but it's to you as well."

Castle nodded in understanding, took the sheet from her, rotating it so they both could read it, be pulled down into the swirling maelstrom of her emotions from one of the most difficult times of her life.

_Dear Castle,_

_I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be writing, but my therapist told me that I should, that it would help me sort out my feelings, and they're definitely a mess right now. I feel silly writing to myself, and since I wrote to you a while ago and it was kind of cathartic, I guess I'll write to you again. Not that you'll ever read this._

_I suppose I should start by telling you that I went back to therapy today, to the department psychologist who cleared me to return to the precinct. I'm not sure exactly what prompted me to seek him out, but I think it was you - when I told you I was fine and you told me that I wasn't. It caught me off guard, because I'm not used to being called out so bluntly. I'm used to hiding away my problems and putting on a mask for the world to see. After all, I wouldn't have made it through the academy if I'd worn my emotions on my sleeve._

_But you always have been able to see right through that, so I guess it shouldn't surprise me that you saw through me yesterday, too. You've always managed to bring out all these things that I try to keep beneath the surface, and it used to irritate me to no end. It still does, at times - like when I end up sobbing in my apartment about the pathetic state of my life. But I realized amidst all of that that I was wrong; not everybody's gone. You're still here. You're here and you're waiting for me, and that's how I knew I needed to do something. I needed to get my head on straight so I could be strong enough to be there for you, too, to do for you what you've done for me._

_I thought I could handle being back, you know. I left my dad's cabin two weeks early, forced myself back into the city, back into the world. I tried to ignore the fact that the sun was too bright and the traffic was too loud, and every glint off of a reflective surface made me flinch. I just gritted my teeth and forced myself through the day thinking that if I faked it long enough, I would actually be able to believe that I was okay again. That maybe all of my problems would just vanish into thin air._

_I even managed to clear my psych eval on the first try, though I wasn't even close to honest with the therapist. Dr. Burke is his name. I told him the same thing I told you - that I didn't remember anything. Because I knew that if I told him I did, he'd ask me to relive it, and I couldn't do that. Not when I already do every night in my dreams. And it's so bittersweet, because the most terrifying and painful moment of my life is mixed in with the sweetest words I've ever heard you say, and it's a horribly heartbreaking combination. So I thought that maybe if I lied enough, I would eventually believe it. But the joke was on me, because there's no way I'll ever forget._

_And there's no way I would want to. Forget your words, that is._

_I heard them again yesterday, you know, though not in the same way. When the suspect pulled a gun on me and I hesitated, and you were there to talk me down. I'm not sure what I would have done without you there, and you have no idea how thankful I am for what you did for me. You told me to calm down, kept saying 'you've got this.' And in my mind, I could hear your voice from the cemetery, your words giving me strength in the same way._

_And that, I think, more than anything else, is what motivated me to come back to therapy. Your words and your love._

_It was difficult for me today. I almost talked myself out of going more times than I can count. I hate talking about my feelings and my past and all the other stuff that gets dredged up during therapy. I hate it. It's horrible and painful and exhausting. But you made me realize that I needed to go, not only because of what happened on the job, but because of the ways that my stubbornness is holding me back._

_I told you on the swings that I have a wall, and that the only way for it to come down is for me to solve this case. And once I do that, I'll be able to have the type of relationship I'm looking for. And that's true. I know that I'm not open enough yet, that I hold myself back, and that's why none of my relationships ever stand a chance._

_But I want more now. I want to be with you. But I also don't want my issues to get in the way of things. I don't want to ruin it for us, because you're different. What we have is different. It's more. And better. And I'd never forgive myself if we got together now and my issues ended up tearing us apart. I want us to have a fighting chance._

_So I came back to work early and dove back into the case, because the sooner I solve it, the sooner that wall falls down. But I realize now that I need more than that. I need to be okay mentally, too, if things are ever going to work out between us. I need to be confident in my job. I need to not have nightmares, not wake up sweating and panting and shaking and terrified. I need to be able to walk around without flinching at everything. I need to be able to stand on my own two feet again with my head held high._

_I know that you're willing to wait for me, and I'm incredibly grateful for that, so I'm going to take advantage of this time you're giving me to make myself better. No matter how much grueling therapy it takes, no matter how many random letters I have to write, I'm going to do it._

_You deserve it, Castle. We do._

_Love,_

_Kate_

"You are incredible," Castle murmured in awe.

"What?"

"You, Kate. You went to therapy for us. I had no idea."

She shrugged as though it were no big deal. "You deserved it."

"Yeah but, Kate," he continued, willing her to understand. "God, your strength just - amazes me. I can't even imagine what you went through but I just. I love you so much."

She slid the letter from his grasp, folded it and set it on the nightstand on top of their journal. Castle was right behind her, wrapping himself around her, enclosing her in his warmth. She settled back against him, released a shaky breath, felt him press his lips to the back of her neck in reassurance.

Kate shivered against him, allowed her eyes to flicker closed. "I love you too."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	55. Heroes & Villains

_Author's Note: Angst fest has (mostly) come to an end. For now. Also, gold star to Andy for getting the creative juices flowing on this one!_

* * *

><p><strong>Heroes &amp; Villains<strong>

* * *

><p><em>A writer and his muse fighting crime. Just like us.<em>

* * *

><p>"Aren't you supposed to be writing?"<p>

Castle lifted his head at the sound of his girlfriend's voice, smiled broadly as she crossed to him, dropped one hand to rest on his shoulder.

He tilted his chin to steal a kiss from her lips, smiled against her. "I am."

She followed the strong lines of his arm down to the surface of the desk, to the lined page resting beneath his pen. "That's not what I meant."

"But I _am_ writing," he pointed out.

She whacked him lightly upside the head. "Castle."

"I mean, Gina's already on me for the outline of the next book, so technically I _should_ be writing."

"But?" she prompted.

Castle shrugged. "But it's not due for another couple weeks, so I've got plenty of time."

"So I guess I can plan ahead for sleeping alone at the end of next week," Kate teased.

"That's not..."

"Because I'll be very surprised if you manage to get everything done without pulling an all-nighter."

In a moment of childishness, he stuck his tongue out at her, but she was faster, bent down to capture it lightly between her teeth. Castle's hand lifted to cup her jaw, guide her closer, but she pulled away, smirked teasingly.

"Don't put it out unless you plan to use it."

"Oh, I can think of plenty of ways to use it," he leered.

Kate patted his shoulder. "Not right now."

"And for the record," he continued, blowing right past her comment, "I don't _always_ pull all-nighters."

"Castle." She pushed the journal aside, hopped up on the desk next to his chair. His hand automatically found the bare skin of her thigh, tracing higher and higher, fiddling with the hemline of her running shorts. Kate temporarily found herself losing her train of thought, closed her eyes and re-focused. "If overindulgence in caffeine and last minute middle of the night writing binges are what it takes for you to write best sellers, then I can be a big girl and sleep alone for a couple of nights."

_Well, hypothetically,_ she reminded herself.

"Have you been talking to my mother?"

"No, why?"

"Because that sounds an awful lot like something she might have told you about."

"Right, because it's not like I'm living with you and have experienced these scenarios or anything."

"It's so sexy when you're sarcastic."

He tried to tug her off the desk and into his lap but she wriggled out of his grasp, stood. "I'm all sweaty."

"Which is also totally sexy."

"Castle."

"You know, irritated Kate is pretty sexy as well."

She huffed a sigh, rolled her eyes. "I'm gonna go shower. I'll let you get back to your _writing._"

"It can wait," he protested, snagging her around the wrist. "Read with me."

She doubled back, couldn't help herself as she leaned down to brush a kiss to his cheek. "Let me shower, and then we can read, 'kay?"

He smiled against her. "Okay."

* * *

><p>When Kate re-emerged a few minutes later, padded across the office and slid demurely into Castle's lap, he was just finishing the journal entry for the case they'd closed yesterday. He smiled at her, shifted to wrap an arm around her while using his other hand to flip back to the bookmark.<p>

"You comfy?"

"Mmhmm," she murmured, reaching one hand out to smooth down the page.

_Dear Kate,_

_It was so hard for me today. So hard for me not to grab you and kiss you and tell you how much I love you. To take us from writer and muse fighting crime to...well, writer and more-than-a-muse fighting crime. Like Ann and Paul._

_Especially when they stepped into the elevator and kissed and I looked at you and you were biting your lower lip and trying not to get caught looking at me. Which was not very successful, by the way. I totally noticed. I think I detected hints of a blush too but I know you would vehemently deny that._

_Long story short, I really, really, really wanted to kiss you._

_And it's strange, really. I mean, not that I wanted to kiss you, because that's been the case since the day we met. And then I really did kiss you and I've been wanting to do it again and again and again since that night. But then this summer happened, and I never thought I'd have the chance to see you again, much less kiss you. And then you came back and I wanted to be disgusted at myself for still wanting to kiss you but I couldn't be, because no matter how upset I was, I still loved you._

_But tonight...tonight, all of that almost seemed to fade away. Tonight, when we were watching them and talking about them as a writer and a muse...the parallels to you and me were unmistakable, and when I saw them kiss, it seemed so real, so tangible for us too. As though our chance had been renewed. And when I saw you glancing at me and trying not to smile, I could tell that you felt it as well._

_It's there, Kate. It's somewhere in our future. I can feel it and now that you and I are back together in the precinct, I'm starting to believe in it again, too. In us._

_And I absolutely cannot wait for our day to arrive._

_Love,_

_Castle_

"Can I tell you a secret?" Kate asked quietly, almost shyly.

"Sure." His eyes were bright blue and wide and eager, and Kate had to smile because he was just so exuberant and it was impossible for it not to be contagious.

"I almost kissed you that day."

His head jerked sharply. "Really?"

She nodded, teeth latching around her bottom lip, worriedly pulling it into her mouth. "Yeah. It probably would've just been on the cheek, since we were at the precinct. But I just - I felt it, too, and I wanted to just reassure you that waiting for me was the right decision."

"I always would've waited for you, Kate."

She smiled gently, rested a soothing hand on his arm. "I know. Or, well, I know that now. But my biggest fear during all those months was that you'd get tired of waiting and move on and I'd be left in the dust, hating myself for lying to you and not letting you know how I felt."

Those tumultuous few weeks popped into Kate's mind then, when Castle had pulled away without explanation, flaunted his dates in front of her and ditched her to hang out with another cop. And that was another one of those things that they'd never talked about because once they were together, it didn't seem important in the grand scheme of things.

But now that they'd found these letters, Kate understood how important it was that they talk about these things. And she wanted to ask him now, curiosity very nearly getting the better of her, but she also knew that if she was patient, it was bound to come up at some point in the journal.

So she pushed the thoughts away, leaned down to rest her head against his shoulder, her damp hair cool and wet against his shirt.

He pressed a kiss to the top of her head, smiled. "I'm never moving on from you. You're stuck with me for good."

Kate smiled softly as his right hand twined with her left, fingers tracing her bare ring finger. He released a deep breath and Kate's smile broadened as her mind traveled to what was most certainly his same train of thought.

Why hadn't he given her a ring yet?

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	56. Head Case

_Author's Note: You guys are amazing. Seriously. It amazes me the number of people who are just now finding this fic and reading all 50+ chapters in one sitting. I literally get new alerts every day and that just blows me away. So thank you so much to all of you and welcome to all of my new(er) readers!_

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><p><strong>Head Case<strong>

Castle's thoughts were still firmly entrenched in spinning and re-spinning the words for a perfect proposal (he thought he already had it planned but kept changing his mind because nothing ever seemed good enough) when Kate finally broke the silence. Her voice was quiet and tender, because how could it be anything but when he was sitting there stroking her ring finger quite clearly lost in the fantasy of marrying her?

"Castle."

"Huh?"

She trapped his wandering digits between her own, and that motion seemed to drag him back into awareness as he consciously took stock of what he was doing. But the soft smile on her face, the depth of emotion swimming through her eyes, told him all that he needed to know.

She was ready.

He _really _needed a ring. And a plan.

"Want to keep reading?" she asked after a bit, and it took him a moment to catch up to her train of thought. She lifted the journal with her free hand, drew his attention to the pages.

"Oh, right, sure," Castle responded haphazardly, scrambling to pull himself together. For goodness sake, he wasn't actually proposing _right now._ So there was no need to be so nervous. At least, that's what he kept telling himself, repeating the mantra over and over in his head. There was time to plan everything later. Right now, Kate was curled in his lap, her eyes and smile and entire figure radiating with love and adoration, and that was the salient point of focus.

She was here and she wanted to read more of his words, of their story.

"Rick," she cooed, loosening their hand hold to reach up and cup his jaw. "You okay?"

He smiled, eyes clearer and much more focused now. "Yeah, of course."

He still seemed to be flailing but Kate let it drop, smiled and nodded before leaning in to press a kiss to his cheek.

"Let's read," he breathed against her as he pulled away.

_Dear Kate,_

_I think I can officially say that this was the most bizarre case I've ever worked. And I'm guessing you can say the same. Just when I think things can't get any weirder, we stumble across frozen people and missing heads. Hell, I make stuff up for a living and even I didn't see most of that coming._

_I mean, her story was sweet...in a twisted, disturbing, creepy kind of way. I understand where she's coming from, wanting more time with the man she loved. Who doesn't want that? But I don't think I'd want to be cryogenically frozen to accomplish it. Besides, there's no proof that it would even work, and then where would I be? Iced over in some giant frozen cylinder, preserved for all of eternity?_

_No thank you._

_(Especially if I would end up looking wide-eyed and bluish like everyone else was. It would completely destroy my handsome image.)_

Kate snorted and rolled her eyes but wisely said nothing.

_But I digress._

_I love you, Kate. And I always will. I can say that with absolute certainty. Do I wish we had more time together, no matter what the state of our partnership? Absolutely. Hell, I wish we could actually _be_ together, but working side by side every day is better than nothing. At least I still get to see you, spend time with you. But regardless of how much or little time we have, or will have, with each other, I think I'd rather enjoy it in this lifetime rather than in some unknown future._

_I'd rather enjoy it in the time I've been given._

_And it's like you said; if you had more time, you might end up wasting it. At first, I mentally scoffed at that, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that you're probably right. If I thought I had another lifetime ahead of me, I might pass up too many opportunities in this one. And I've learned from you how precious time can be, so I also think I'll take your advice and not get the implants. As much as I'd like to spend the rest of my life being ruggedly handsome, I guess I can handle aging all along with the rest of humanity._

_As long as you're growing older right beside me._

_(By the way, did you even realize that you said that? That you basically agreed that I'd still be in your life ten years from now?)_

"I did?" Kate asked, interrupting their reading.

He nodded, still able to clearly recall that moment. "You did."

"Huh," she mused thoughtfully. "Didn't even realize that."

"Or maybe you did and just didn't want it to be known."

She rolled her eyes. "Right."

"Admit it, Detective," Castle said, and the way her title rolled off his tongue was far, _far_ too sexy. "You knew."

Kate swatted his chest lovingly, tilted her head back down to read the letter, hair falling to frame the sides of her face, blocking the smile that was lifting the corners of her mouth.

But Castle seemed to know anyway and he couldn't pass up the opportunity to tease. "You're smiling right now, aren't you? Because I'm right and you know it, you just don't want to admit it."

She offered no verbal reply, but the twitch of her jaw was all the answer he needed. He smirked to himself but followed her lead, bit down on his tongue and continued to read.

_I have to say, you were just a constant surprise during this case. For example, believing in their love story, in beating the odds. Where did that come from? I quite clearly recall you saying last year that you didn't believe in fate and magic and all of that stuff. But if you believe in them beating the odds, then it follows that something has changed. And I'm glad it has, because there's so much beauty in magic._

_Someday, I hope to show you that on a more personal level. Someday, I hope that we can live that reality. You and me. After all, beating the odds is kind of our specialty, right?_

_It only seems right that eventually we'll have our shot at forever._

_(Well, forever in this lifetime.)_

_I love you._

_Rick_

"Looks like your wish came true," Kate murmured as she finished reading.

"Hmmm?"

She dropped her eyes to the page, traced the words with her finger. "Beating the odds. We're doing it, aren't we?"

They had. They really had. The world had thrown just about everything in their direction; crazy serial killers, bombs, ex-wives, motorcycle-riding doctor boyfriends, bullets, snipers, conspiracies. And yet they'd made it through all of it relatively unscathed. There were scars, of course, visible and otherwise. But wounds could heal.

Especially when they had each other.

Castle smiled broadly, held her to him tightly and buried his nose in her hair in agreement. "Absolutely."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	57. Kick The Ballistics (Part I)

_Author's Note: Due to obscene amounts of school work, a professor who scheduled an exam for the morning after the premier (SO not cool!), and obligatory flailing over After The Storm, this will be the last post this week. By next Wednesday, updates should be more steady again._

* * *

><p><strong>Kick the Ballistics (Part I)<strong>

Castle could've stayed there all afternoon, basking in the weight of his girlfriend settled on top of him, her scent and beauty and love surrounding him. And she seemed perfectly relaxed as well, her head on his shoulder, legs slung across his, one hand fiddling absently with the buttons on his shirt. She loved when he wore plaid.

But the fingers of his right hand were playing with the corners of the pages of their journal, absently flipping them back and forth, and that eventually drew both of their focuses back to the notebook. She followed his line of sight, dropped her hand to the book, but Castle was faster, reached out to catch her wrist, guide her hand out of the way as he flipped the page.

He felt her nod against him, acceptance or agreement, perhaps, and released her hand to twine their fingers together as they moved onto the next letter, the next set of memories. Good or bad, Castle couldn't remember, but he'd find out very quickly.

_Dear Kate,_

_I think you're lying to me. About the shooting. About what you remember._

_I sincerely hope that you aren't, that you truly don't remember. Because if not, and you do know how I feel, then that means that every day you're making the choice to hurt me, to keep hurting me, by keeping this from me, by pretending that you don't know that my heart belongs to you._

_I'd like to think that you wouldn't do that, even if you are under a lot of stress. But maybe I don't know you as well as I like to think I do. Maybe I just pretend. Maybe I've just created a character for you in my head like I did with Damien Westlake last year. Maybe I'm blind to who you really are and instead, in my eyes you've just become who I want you to be. Love does things like that; it twists your perceptions. You'd think I'd have learned that from my failed attempts in the past. Or maybe I'm just that naive._

_Whatever it is, though, I really wish you would just tell me. I know it's difficult for you to open up, but we've been partners for a long time now, Kate. Don't you trust me enough to be honest with me? Or are you still so determined to shut me out, regardless of my feelings. I'd like to think we're past that now, but again, maybe I'm completely wrong. Maybe it's all in my head. Sometimes I hate having a writer's imagination._

_I'm just trying to hold onto our conversation on the swings last month, to the fact that you need time, need this case to be put to rest. I'm hoping that's your reason, that if you did in fact lie to me, it's because you aren't ready, rather than because you simply don't share my feelings._

_If it's the first one, I can work on forgiving you, so long as you're doing it for us, to give us a chance._

_If it's the second, I'd honestly rather you just tell me now. It will hurt no matter when I find out, but the sooner I crash and burn, the sooner I can start to move on, build myself up again._

_I sincerely hope it's scenario one, Kate._

_You know, I believed you, no doubt in my mind, when you told me in the hospital. It hurt to hear that you didn't remember, but I believed you. I had no reason not to. I didn't see any signs that indicated dishonesty, although the fact that you were in pain and on drugs and exhausted may have covered some of that up. Plus, there was the fact that I was sitting there next to you when I never thought I would have that opportunity again. So maybe I just didn't notice._

_Yesterday, though...yesterday I noticed. When I asked you if you remembered and you looked away, walked away from me. And it made me realize that even though you couldn't walk away from me in the hospital, you did the same thing with your eyes then too. You averted them. You've yet to actually look me in the eye and say that you don't remember._

_And that's what is making me suspicious._

_But you quite obviously don't want to talk about it, and if I've learned one thing about you these last three years, it's that pushing will get me nowhere. So I'll sit back and give you time. That and the benefit of the doubt. Because really, what else can I do at this point, except for cross my fingers and hope that my suspicions prove incorrect?_

_I have to believe you, Kate. I have to. There's no other choice, because helping you break down your wall so that we can have our shot at happiness depends on it._

_Our future depends on it._

_So I will continue to believe. In you and in us._

_Love,_

_Rick._

"Castle," she breathed, a shaky exhale against his collarbone.

He cupped her chin, guided her eyes up to his. "Hmmm?"

"I'm so sorry."

"Kate..."

"No..."

"Kate," he said more firmly, silencing her with a press of his finger to her lips. "Don't. Please. Don't beat yourself up about this."

"But..."

"No. No buts. It's not...re-living it isn't gonna help us right now."

She wanted to protest, to point out that re-living everything else they'd been through had actually really helped them. It'd brought them closer in so many ways. Through this journal, they'd been provided an opportunity to talk about everything they'd never before bothered to discuss. They'd laughed and cried together. They'd learned each other's point of view, been able to apologize and accept and move on. Just like they needed to with this.

But as Kate looked up at her partner's blue eyes, troubled and pleading, she realized that maybe this time it was him who wasn't ready to talk about it. That it was him who still felt the wound too deeply.

So she wouldn't push, because he'd waited four years for her to be ready to open up to him. The least she could do was give him a few more days or weeks or months. She trusted that when he was ready, he'd tell her.

Kate nodded, her chin bumping up and down against his palm, and he slid his hand around to cup the back of her head, fingers weaving into her damp hair.

"Okay," she whispered, allowing him to guide her in for a soft kiss. "Okay. We don't have to talk about it now."

Castle met her eyes sincerely, his filled with gratitude. "Thank you."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	58. Kick The Ballistics (Part II)

_Author's Note: For Beckstle and Laura Picken, who asked me to write a part 2 for this ep. I apologize that it's kind of abrupt, but since the next chapter is already written, I had to kind of wedge this one in the middle. Also, apologies to everyone for the long wait and for not having time to reply to reviews. Unfortunately, grad school life isn't exactly conducive to spending endless hours writing fanfic._

* * *

><p><strong>Kick The Ballistics (Part II)<strong>

Silence fell again as they held each other's gazes, eyes deep and transparent, speaking volumes. Words may have been Castle's specialty, but at times, his eyes said more than his mouth ever could. Especially when it came to Kate.

For once, he was the one to look away first, eyes casting downward to re-trace the words they'd just read. Kate could see from an angle the way his eyes flitted back and forth across the page, watched the crease in his forehead deepen as he re-read the entry, and she could tell that even though he begged her not to talk about it, his mind was still there, remembering. She could feel the tension rising in his muscles, could feel the pain seeping through him.

"Rick," she called softly, but there was no response. "Castle," she tried again, reaching out to cover the page with her hand, and that seemed to finally startle him back into the present. "Not right now, remember?"

He nodded halfway, ran a hand over his face. "Right, sorry."

"Come on," she murmured, nudged his jaw with her temple, turning it just enough that his eyes fell to the next page instead. Anything to steer his mind away from the current downward spiral of his thoughts. "Let's keep reading."

_Dear Kate,_

_Sometimes I just feel so helpless. And I hate it._

_The last couple of days certainly fall under that category. It's been nearly a year since Tyson tied me to a chair and held a gun to my head. Nearly a year since he tried to psychoanalyze me and then left me there to live with the fact that he was _right there _and I had to watch him walk away. And ever since that moment, I've just been waiting. Waiting for him to resurface, waiting for that other shoe to drop. I thought that maybe when it did, there would be something I could do. Something to make up for last time._

_Turns out I was wrong, because in cases like this, there's absolutely nothing I can do. I couldn't comfort Ryan because he wouldn't take it. I couldn't be of much help to the three of you because I'm not a cop and I just don't have the same skill set or resources. So I was forced to sit there unable to contribute much of anything towards catching the killer of a young girl who was murdered by a weapon given to someone by a serial killer who slipped through my fingertips. I know you'd say it's not my fault, but I can't help but feel responsible for what happened._

Kate squeezed his arm as she read those words, her heart breaking for the burdens that Castle now carried as a result of his relationship with her and the NYPD. At times, she loved that there was someone to shoulder part of it, someone to lift pieces of the weight off of her shoulders. But at the same time, she disliked that she was partially responsible for Castle losing some of the innocence he'd possessed when they first met.

It was still there, of course. The way his eyes lit up and his smile grew and he got so excited over the small things in life. That was still there and it was one of the things she loved the most about him. He'd even managed to bring some of that out in her, which was a part of herself she hadn't seen in years. But on the other end of the spectrum, the inherent pessimism of her chosen profession had dampened some of his spirited enthusiasm for life.

"You're not, Castle," she murmured, brain still wrapped up in her thoughts and yet the words slipped out almost without her permission.

He shook his head, sighed, and Kate realized with a shock that she'd actually spoken the words aloud. "I know."

But even he knew his voice sounded unconvincing.

Kate allowed the subject to drop, though, because the whole point of continuing to read was to lift his spirits, not pull them down even further. Perhaps this wasn't the best letter for that purpose but now that they'd started, they might as well finish it.

_I know you said something earlier today about me thinking like a real cop. And it was comforting to hear you say that because, truth be told, I was doubting myself. But just because I think like a real cop doesn't make me a real cop. Aside from spinning theories and having your back (without a gun, which isn't really very good back up), I can't do much else._

_And besides, you were the best detective in New York City before I came along._

_Even so, I will always consider myself your partner, Kate. And I hope that you can do the same._

_Love,_

_Rick_

"Castle," Kate reached up, cupped his jaw. She waited until his eyes flicked down to meet hers, solemn and clear, because she needed to erase every last speck of disbelief from his mind. "You're the best partner I could've asked for. Please don't ever doubt that."

He bent to press their mouths together, his lips working insistently over hers and she gave as good as she received, tracing his bottom lip with her tongue until he allowed her entrance.

She could still feel the tension in his jaw from the last letter and from this one, but as she gently nibbled on his lower lip he released some sort of half-chuckle and just like that the kiss switched from bruising to playful.

Reluctantly, though, it was Kate who pulled back first, realizing that aside from a kiss – and it'd been one hell of a kiss – she hadn't actually received a response.

"Castle," she prodded, reaching out to cover the hand that held the journal with her own. "I meant what I just said."

"I know," he replied quickly. "I know you did."

He looked as though he wanted to say more so Kate simply remained silent, waiting for him to find the words to voice whatever was on his mind.

"I'm sorry," he spoke finally, but it wasn't at all the words she was expecting.

"Sorry for what?"

"For...doubting you," he offered hesitantly.

Kate smiled tenderly, the hand on his jaw sliding back into his hair to cradle his skull, guide his lips back to hers. "You're forgiven, Castle."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	59. Eye Of The Beholder

_Author's Note: In honor of the fact that (spoilers) we're going to see jealous Beckett on Monday, I thought I'd post a chapter about, well, jealous Beckett._

* * *

><p><strong>Eye of the Beholder<strong>

"Do you want to be done for now?" Kate asked after a minute. Her forehead still rested against his, lips a mere inch apart as they drew strength from each other, a shared coping mechanism that'd helped them through so much in the last two years.

Castle shrugged, seemed to be battling with himself over something. If Kate had to guess, she'd say that it had something to do with his still downcast mood. Obviously the last couple of letters hadn't had the most positive of impacts on his emotions.

She leaned back then, breaking their connection, because his eyes always held his deepest thoughts. As she suspected, his gaze was focused downward, and what she could see of it portrayed confusion and indecisiveness.

"We can keep going," she offered gently, one hand coming to rest on the curve of his neck and shoulder. Maybe a prompt in the other direction would help him make up his mind.

Kate knew her words had had the desired effect when he nodded, lifted his eyes to hers. "Yeah, yeah. We should."

She smiled tenderly, settled back against him, and turned her attention back to the journal, crossing her fingers that this entry was happier, would serve to cheer him up. Otherwise she'd have to resort to...other methods.

_Dear Kate,_

_You're so hot when you're jealous. And sexy. And knowing that me being attracted to another woman riles you up like that is a tremendous turn on. It makes me want you. Badly. __Because if it makes you jealous, that means that you feel threatened by her. And if you feel threatened by her, then that means that you have feelings for me._

_(Which is a good thing. A very good thing.)_

_I know you'd deny it, but I saw it. It was unmistakable. I've seen you jealous before, but never like this. You despised Serena. You hated that she was there, talking to me and hitting on me. And you weren't at all subtle about it, which is how I know that her presence was affecting you more than you wanted it to._

_But I want you to know, Kate, that there was really no need to be jealous. I may have flirted with her, felt an attraction to her, but it wasn't all that serious. I found her interesting and knowledgeable, and I can always appreciate a beautiful and confident woman. But that was it. That was all it was. She made it quite clear that she had a thing for me; even you noticed that. She told me on our 'date' that she'd been planning to ask me out. And I admit, it's flattering to know that. But that didn't change anything._

_I was only on that date with her because you set it up. I only kissed her because I heard you opening the door to her room and I knew I needed to distract her. And sure, maybe I would have gone on a date with her anyway, had she asked me. Just to get to know her better, to have a nice meal. I probably even would have kissed her good night, because that's what I do after a pleasant evening. But it wouldn't have gone any farther than that. Because she wasn't you._

_And somehow, even kissing her felt wrong, felt like a betrayal. Because she wasn't you._

_There hasn't been anyone else, you know. Not since I kissed you in that alley. Not since I realized that I'm in love with you._

_And even though I enjoyed her company and had fun flirting with her, it doesn't change how I feel about you. She may have had feelings for me, but my heart still firmly belongs to you, Kate._

_Love,_

_Rick_

"Do you have any idea how hot you were during that case?" Castle murmured seductively, one hand leaving its perch and finding the bare skin beneath the hem of her shirt.

"I kind of do now," Kate replied, hoping her voice sounded less breathy than it felt. She wanted to be embarrassed at how easily his words affected her but it was Castle and his words had always held extra meaning.

"You're so sexy when you're jealous."

"Oh really?"

"Uh huh," he breathed, and she shivered as the hot air feathered against her skin.

His tongue flicked out to trace the flesh of her ear and her head dropped back against his shoulder as she gave up trying to resist him.

"The way you glared at me made me want to rile you up even more, but in a different way."

"Yeah?" She raised an eyebrow teasingly, an attempt to regain the upper hand here.

"I wanted to make you want me."

"I already wanted you," she panted, the words slipping out without her permission, but Castle was on a mission and though his fingers tripped up a bit in their path across her skin, he opted to let her comment go for now.

"I wanted to drag you into an interrogation room and do X-rated things to you."

"Such...such as?" Kate asked, voice breaking as he kissed his way from the sensitive skin behind her ear down the alluring pathway of her neck and shoulder, conveniently exposed by her choice of shirt.

"Oh, I think you know exactly what I wanted to do to you," Castle said, voice deep with arousal, and it shot straight through her, lighting a fire in her veins. "In fact, I seem to recall having described in great detail my precinct fantasies."

"Still not happening," Kate panted as he nudged aside her bra strap, feathered his lips across her shoulder and down to the hollow above her collarbone.

"We'll see about that."

"Mmhmm," she replied distractedly.

"I wanted to press you up against the wall and kiss you. Or lay you back on the table and have my..."

Castle was silenced then as Kate tugged his face up to hers, pressed their lips together hotly. The journal clattered to the ground, completely forgotten, as she shifted in his lap so she was straddling him, pressing him into the chair while the hard lines of his body pushed back against her.

His lips left hers again, trailed down her skin, leaving a trail of wet heat in their wake. A disappointed sigh escaped her as his mouth left her skin and the hand that was behind his neck dug in, urged him back to her.

But then he was lifting her shirt over her head and tracing his tongue along the edges of her bra, and any train of thought that might have been running through her head was completely derailed by the feeling of his hands on her bare skin.

"Castle," she breathed, still undone so easily even after all this time.

Kate felt him smile against her as he nudged her back against the desk, forced his feet to take hold on the floor. She wrapped her legs around him as he stood, nipped at his ear as he stumbled over the leg of the desk chair, gracelessly carried her to the bedroom, and Kate was not sure which one of them was more envious anymore, but she did know one thing for sure.

Jealous sex was always some of their best sex.

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	60. Demons

**Demons**

"You brought it?" Kate murmured, stepping up behind him on the patio.

Castle tilted his head, smiled back at her as her hand came to rest on his head, fingers toying gently with his hair. She was clad in shorts and a tank top, the straps of her bikini peeking out from beneath the fabric of her shirt, and he had to fight the urge to remove the outer garment from her body and latch his lips onto the bare skin beneath.

"Never know when inspiration might strike."

"I thought you only wrote after we finished a case?"

"Well we did just finish one," he pointed out, setting his pen down in the crease of the binding and reaching up to snag her hand, pull it around his shoulder. The limb came easily as Kate stepped even closer, chest nudging the back of his head as he twined their fingers together and held her close behind him.

"On Wednesday."

"It's only Saturday," he protested with a hint of petulance, and Kate smiled, squeezed his fingers between hers.

"Relax, I'm just kidding."

He smiled, eyes crinkling in the corners in the way that Kate absolutely loved, and she felt the corners of her mouth upturn in response, his happiness contagious, as always.

"I don't always write right away," he explained. "Sometimes I need to. Sometimes I don't even make it all the way through the case, depending on how things are going. But sometimes it takes a couple days to decide what really stood out for me."

Kate smiled, wriggled her hand from his grasp and circled the bench to sit down next to Castle. He opened his arms to her immediately, allowing her to settle into the crook of his side before draping his arm around her bare shoulder, holding her close. Her head fell to rest on his shoulder as she took in the sparkling waves, the clear sky, the view endless for miles and miles. The sun warmed her skin, wrapped around her, and she sighed contentedly, so happy they'd decided to escape the hustle and bustle of the city for the long weekend. She'd always loved Manhattan, but the freedom out here, the fresh air and serenity, was addicting in its own way.

"I'm glad we came," she murmured, giving voice to her thoughts.

Castle held her tighter, nuzzled into her hair, and when he spoke she could feel his lips against her skull. "Me too."

* * *

><p>Kate wasn't sure how long they sat there, soaking in the late summer sun, but they were startled from their reverie when a light breeze whipped through, fluttering the pages of the journal enough to send Castle's pen rolling off the book and onto the tabletop.<p>

He reached forward automatically to catch it at the exact same time as Kate, so when her fingers closed around the pen, he redirected his reach, catching hold of the journal and closing it against the wind, picking it up from the table and moving it to sit next to him on the bench.

"Do you want to read some?" Kate asked softly, nodding to the small book.

Castle reached for the journal in silent reply, flipped through to find the bookmark. They were more than halfway through now. And the current entry he'd been working on was on the second to last page. It'd be strange, writing in a new journal after using the same one for the better part of 6 years. But at the same time, it only felt right to continue the tradition. He made a mental note to dig out a new one when they returned to the city.

She reached out with one hand to smooth down the page, fingers then dropping to twine with his at the edge of the fabric cover.

_Dear Kate,_

_I'm so in love with you. I didn't even know it was possible to feel like this. I didn't know it was possible to fall harder and harder every day. But apparently it is, because that's what happens to me every time I see you. I always think I can't possibly love you more and then you quote Ghostbusters and wear your hair in an adorable braid and climb on top of me like it's no big deal, and let me grope you (accidentally, of course, I'd never do that on purpose) and I just fall a little harder._

"Castle," Kate scolded, knowing him well enough to be able to separate his sarcastic words from the rest of the paragraph.

"What?"

"You did that on purpose?"

"You didn't seem to mind," he retorted saucily, raising an eyebrow in her direction. But he was met only with the disapproving glare that Kate had so effectively mastered and instinctively began fumbling his way through an explanation. "I mean I didn't exactly...it wasn't on purpose...per se."

He was met with a raised eyebrow.

"My hand slipped and once I realized where it was headed I kind of just...didn't stop myself?" he offered sheepishly.

Kate rolled her eyes in disbelief.

"I didn't want to make things...worse."

He looked so adorably flustered, his face screwed up in that way that only he could manage, and she wanted to be annoyed, she really did. But then his words registered in her brain and she found herself suddenly engulfed by memories of his hands and their warmth and how they were large enough to span...well...lots of parts of her. And as that realization flooded through her, heat rising in her neck and blood thrumming through her veins with renewed energy, all other trains of thought were completely derailed.

Kate noticed the moment Castle caught onto the change in her as well because his mouth formed into a sexy smirk and his hand came up to rest on her waist, beneath the fabric of her shirt, spanning her bare skin just like she'd been imagining.

"Something on your mind?" he murmured teasingly, leaning in so his breath was wafting over the delicate skin beneath her ear.

Her response was breathy and completely lacking any type of filter, and she was almost embarrassed at how easily he'd managed to rile her up without actually _doing_ anything. "No."

His fingers traveled further beneath her shirt, skimming the sensitive skin at the base of her spine, and she automatically arched into him, a shiver running through her as the sensation sent a heady rush of sparks tingling across her back and into her limbs.

"You sure?"

"Positive," she stammered, voice breaking on the first syllable.

He shrugged, aiming for unaffectedness. "Okay, well I guess we should get back to reading then, huh?"

He withdrew his hand, leaned back so that his warm breath no longer played at her skin, and Kate barely managed to bite back a disappointed sigh. Not that it would have mattered, because she knew that he knew what he'd done to her just now.

Castle fixed her with a smug grin and she was torn between kissing it from his face or teasing him just as mercilessly, because maybe he could get to her easily, but she had her own arsenal of tricks, and she could have him stumbling over his words in thirty seconds flat. Given the dark want swirling in his eyes and the slight shallowness of his breaths, Kate could tell that he was just as turned on as she was. And agreeing to continue reading instead of...taking care of things...could be just as teasingly evil as anything else she was considering doing to him.

And so she merely nodded, adjusted next to him, careful to brush the back of her hand against him ever so slightly as she shifted. She felt his sharp intake of breath, smiled to herself as she settled back in and began to read. She didn't even need to sneak in a glance to know that he was staring at her heatedly, eyes swimming with lust.

_By the way, that sound you made? Sexy as hell. I think you kind of enjoyed it, didn't you? I know I did. In fact, I enjoyed it so much that I'd like to repeat it as often as possible (though maybe next time without you standing on my shoulders with your shoes on). And preferably without all the other surrounding activities as well, such as creepy flickering lights and rats and corpses falling on my back._

Kate had to laugh at that, remembering the way he'd screamed like a girl and, in typical Castle fashion, reacted with a dramatic flair that had to have been inherited from his mother.

"Shut up," he mumbled, and Kate clamped down on her tongue to hold back any more sounds, but he still caught sight of the smile twitching the corners of her mouth.

_On a more serious topic, though, I'm glad we were able to solve this case. This one and the one from twenty years ago. It's encouraging to know that not all cold cases go forever unsolved. It has to give you some hope, too. And even though I know that it would be dangerous for you to dive back in right now, it gives me hope that someday there will be justice._

_In the meantime, we'll keep tracking down killers, you and me. We do get to go on some pretty entertaining adventures in the process. And adventures with you...well, those are always high on my priority list._

_Love,_

_Rick_

"You're such a dork," Kate said with a laugh as she finished reading.

His eyes were twinkling as their gazes met, happiness tinted with the lingering arousal from just minutes earlier.

"But you love me anyway," he murmured, leaning in so that his lips caressed the shell of her ear as he spoke, and he felt Kate's body cant into his.

"So," he prompted a moment later, setting the journal aside with one hand while the other once again began dancing across the skin of her lower back. "Any _adventures_ you'd like to have while we're out here?"

Kate tugged her bottom lip between her teeth, debating where to even begin with answering his question, before deciding to turn it back around on him.

"I don't know, Rick," she teased, his name rolling off of her tongue, and she watched his eyes darken instantly, gaze flicking down to her lips and back up. "Did you have something in mind?"

"Well we could always..." He was cut off by Kate's sudden movement, deftly whirling around so she was straddling him on the bench. He was momentarily stunned but Kate saw the instant he came to because his hands wasted no time in ridding her of her shirt, discarding it somewhere behind her. And as his fingers made their way to the tie of her bathing suit, she rocked into him, their hips meeting sharply, and he groaned as she gasped and the rest of his answer was lost to the whispers and moans and fiery passion of their love.

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note:<em>

_Dearest readers, where oh where have you gone?_

_I'll be the first to admit that I don't like to beg for reviews because, frankly, I feel like they mean more when people don't feel obligated to leave them. However, I'll also willingly admit that the decreased response recently has been a bit discouraging._

_I don't write and publish fanfic for the purpose of getting reviews...I write because it's my outlet and my hobby and I publish it because I love Castle and I like to share my work with the fandom. That being said, reviews are very helpful, not only because receiving feedback is how writers improve, but also because I've been given some fantastic suggestions from readers that have inspired quite a few of these chapters._

_So just this once, I'm going to ask for your comments...because if I'm losing people's interest or if things are getting too repetitive or mundane, I'd really like to know so that I can switch it up a bit._

_-Diana_


	61. Cops & Robbers

_Author's Note: Thank you so, so much for all of your lovely comments and suggestions last chapter! You guys are so wonderful! If I didn't reply to your review individually, it's because you reviewed on anon or have PMs disabled, so I'm thanking those of you now! Really, you guys are so sweet! I hope this chapter lives up to your expectations...I know a lot of you mentioned that you were looking forward to this one._

* * *

><p><strong>Cops &amp; Robbers<strong>

After being interrupted earlier that day (not that he was complaining. Not at all.), Castle was now sprawled on his stomach on top of the comforter of their bed, re-reading the half-written journal entry and adding on the finishing touches.

Kate had gone for a run on the beach (though he couldn't fathom how she had any energy to run after their...activities...this afternoon), and was now in the shower. He'd offered to join, even offered to behave when she said that she needed a little more time before doing _that_ again, but ultimately she'd kissed him deeply before sauntering to the bathroom alone, leaving him gaping after her. And he was pretty sure that the rest of what he was writing now had more to do with her alluring beauty than their most recent case.

He finished the final sentence, signed his name at the bottom just as the bathroom door opened, and Kate emerged wearing shorts and a tank top. Castle shut the notebook, was leaning over to set it on the nightstand when Kate slid onto the bed beside him, reached out to catch his wrist and guide it back to the bed.

"Let's read some more," she suggested softly. The tips of her hair brushed the skin of his arm as she settled in, leaving tiny droplets of water in their wake, and Castle was momentarily distracted by the odd sensation, the cool liquid against the head of his skin.

As usual, Kate drew him back to her, this time with the gentle stroke of her fingers over his as she slipped the journal from his hands, thumbed through to the next entry. She glanced up again to see if Castle was with her, found him gazing at her with bright blue eyes, so filled with love and tenderness that it made her heart melt.

He smiled softly, knowingly, and tossed a leg over hers, keeping her close. Always close. She feathered smiling lips over his just once before dropping her eyes to the page.

_Dear Kate,_

_A few hours ago, I wasn't sure I'd be alive to write this letter. When you left the bank with the son-in-law, I didn't think I would ever see you again. And because of the circumstances, I couldn't even say goodbye, couldn't tell you one last time that I love you. I hoped you could see it in my eyes; it was there. I couldn't have hidden it if I tried._

Her eyes lifted to his right away and he could see the lingering terror from that horrible day, one of many that would never be lifted from their memories.

"I was so scared," she murmured, dropping her gaze back to the page and tracing the words of his first sentence. "It felt like my entire world crashed down around me when that explosion went off."

Castle shook his head, because as terrifying as it was to know that he might be blown to pieces, he knew from experience that watching someone else die was infinitely worse.

"I can imagine," he voiced softly, and Kate nodded to herself, knowing that he was one of a small number of people who truly did understand.

They shared a brief moment of silent condolences before simultaneously averting their eyes, continuing to read.

_I don't want to wait any longer, Kate. I know you're not ready, and I'll continue to respect that. But today - we almost lost our chance. And I don't want that to happen without having an opportunity to look you in the eye and tell you how much I love you._

_I think you saw it today in my eyes, and when you came to our rescue I thought I saw it reflected back in yours too. But maybe it was just the adrenaline of the day elevating everything. The way your eyes lit up, though...I've never seen you like that before, Kate. You were so happy. And you were looking at me._

_God, you have no idea how badly I want to see that again. And again and again. I want to hold you in my arms at night, wake to your smiling face every morning. I want to show you, tell you every day that I love you and that you're amazing and that I'm so completely enamored with you. That you've become everything I didn't know I wanted and the one thing I could never live without._

_I know, now I'm just rambling and this is turning into a really sappy love letter, but I guess that's just how I'm feeling right now. I survived an explosion. You saved my mother and me. And you just left my loft after a lovely dinner with my family and two glasses of wine with me on my sofa, looking so comfortable and at home._

_If you can't tell, I really enjoyed it. You look good in my house, Kate. You should come over here more often. You can hang out with my family, play games, watch movies, play laser tag. Whatever you want, so long as you're here._

_It's a selfish request, I know. You have a life of your own, other things to do. I know there are some things you're working on personally. But I love being around you, I love who I am when I'm with you, and I want that all the time._

_Every day._

_Is it too soon to ask you to just move in with me?_

_Love,_

_Rick_

Kate chuckled as she thought back on that evening, the lovely dinner with his family, the ridiculous conversation about who had saved whose life however many times. She'd thought it was silly at first that he'd kept track. But the fact that he remembered these details, the moments between them...that almost said more than anything else about the depth of his feelings for her.

And it had made for a very interesting conversation.

_"Then there was the time I had to brave the hellish flames to pull you out of your bathtub, won't be forgetting that anytime soon."_

_Kate rolled her eyes as she sat, allowed Martha to fill her plate with a variety of delicious looking concoctions. Sitting around the table with wine and good food and his family twisted Kate's stomach, overwhelmed her with a feeling of longing that she usually did her best to ignore. But tonight she couldn't, because the Castles were a family and yet they'd welcomed her into their home, their evening, like it was an everyday occurrence._

_Castle was still going on about lifesaving escapades but he trailed off as he noticed the faraway look in Kate's eyes._

_He nudged her foot with his own beneath the table, drew her gaze to his. "You okay?"_

_She placed a napkin across her lap, picked up her fork, smiled gently in his direction. "Yeah."_

* * *

><p><em>"So...nine, huh?"<em>

_They'd put the conversation on hold over dinner in deference to Alexis's presence, because after today, Kate was pretty sure the girl didn't need to hear about all the other times her father could've died._

_But now it was just the two of them and his sofa and wine and the low light of the living room. And though Kate had initially scoffed at Castle when he'd brought it up, her mind had spent the last couple hours subconsciously sifting through their history, trying to remember all the scenarios to which Castle was referring._

_"Yep. And don't you forget it."_

_Kate tapped the stem of her wine glass thoughtfully. "I'm still only coming up with seven."_

_"Seven?"_

_She set her glass aside, counted them off on her fingers as she spoke. "When my apartment blew up, when Dunn tried to shoot me, the case with the counterfeit money..."_

_"Twice," Castle interrupted. "She pointed a gun at you and then both of them pointed guns at us."_

_"Right. So that's four."_

_"The case with the knockoff purses...that guy came in with a gun."_

_"Right, yeah. Okay, five." Kate brought up her other hand, extended the first finger. "When you punched out Lockwood. The dirty bomb. The freezer. And that night..." she trailed off, unable to finish the sentence._

_"Yeah," he murmured softly, letting her know he understood. That night in the hangar._

_"And I've saved you how many?" she asked after a moment of silence in which they mourned for their fallen captain and mentor._

_"Eight."_

_Kate paused to think for a moment, then began counting off. "The very first case."_

_"Yeah. Then when you made me stay in the car and that guy dragged me out onto the sidewalk and punched me. When you pretended to be my Russian girlfriend, which was hot, by the way."_

_Kate whacked his arm but smiled. "There was the time you got bitten by a guy who thought he was a vampire. That counts, right?"_

_Well, she did technically save him from being bitten in the neck, so he supposed that counted. Castle chuckled at the memory. "And that counterfeiting case again."_

_"Right. And there was the shootout right before we got locked in the freezer."_

_"And today."_

_"That's seven."_

_Castle swallowed hard. "Coonan."_

_She froze, and for a split second he thought she was going to excuse herself for the night. Maybe he shouldn't have brought this up...too many touchy topics involved. But to his surprise, she relaxed again after a moment, nodded. "Yeah."_

"I think those numbers are a bit higher now," Castle commented, pulling them both from the memory.

Kate hummed her agreement. "We should probably work on not letting them get any higher."

He buried his nose in her hair, inhaled deeply. "Mmmm, yeah."

"Castle," she said after a bit.

"Yeah?"

"You've saved me more than that, you know."

"Like I said, those numbers are..."

"No, not like that." She lifted her head, met his eyes and resolutely held his gaze. "Not physically saving my life. Just...saving me from myself."

"How so?"

"Your books," Kate replied softly. They'd had this conversation a couple weeks ago and she knew that he understood, but still felt the need to elaborate. "And in the cemetery."

"When you were..." he trailed off, looked away, still unable to complete the sentence _when you were shot._

She nodded. "Your words. They kept me going through the summer, gave me a reason to keep fighting when all I wanted to do was give up."

He remembered reading that in her letter, nodded to himself.

"I...I'm glad I could help," he managed, throat tight with emotion. It still pained him, imagining what she'd gone through that summer, though reading her words to him had eased his mind somewhat.

Kate seemed to understand, though, held him tighter. "Me too."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	62. Heartbreak Hotel

_Author's Note: Hey, look! New cover art! You guys should all send a virtual hug/high five/gold star to Flashofblue for doing such an amazing job. Thanks, girl!_

* * *

><p><strong>Heartbreak Hotel<strong>

Somehow it didn't seem right to continue reading after the last letter; too many precious memories and heartfelt admissions, and since they never knew exactly what was coming next, Kate didn't want to risk disrupting the mood with something painful or depressing.

So the journal was laid to rest on the nightstand, its honorary 'spot' here at the Hampton's house as well, and left alone as they curled up together and dozed off to the vision of the night sky over the ocean, its vast expanse stretching as far as they could see.

Kate woke first the next morning, still wrapped in her partner's embrace. His chest was melded against her back, his arm heavy around her waist, and with every exhale, warm air danced across the skin of her neck. She smiled to herself. She'd never tire of waking to this, waking with him.

She shifted slightly, testing the tightness of his grip to see if she could slip out of bed and brew some coffee, maybe even make him breakfast in bed. But as she moved against him he sleepily held her closer, mumbled something unintelligible and buried his nose even deeper into the back of her neck. She could feel the cold tip of it nudging her skin, felt her smile grow.

Hypothetically, she could have wriggled out of his grasp if she really wanted to. She'd long since discovered that Castle was a fairly heavy sleeper, and that though he might protest and try to hold onto her, he would in fact have no recollection of the events when he woke. But she was so warm and cozy and it was their first morning in the Hamptons in over three months, so she opted to stay, watch as the sun peeked above the horizon, coloring the early morning sky.

Eventually, though, the rays of light became too intense, shining through the glass doors and casting a streaky glow through the bedroom. Kate averted her eyes then, the brightness blinding, and as she did so, she caught a glimpse of their journal.

She carefully twisted her head around, was met with the still-sleeping form of Castle. His grip on her hadn't relented in the slightest and, well, she was really in no hurry to go anywhere. So, why not?

She slipped an arm from beneath the sheets, reached out to take hold of the book. Quietly, she paged through to the next entry, propped it awkwardly against an extra pillow so she could read comfortably.

_Dear Kate,_

_This was possibly both the most and least fun case ever. Fun because I got to go to Atlantic City and dress up like Elvis and hang with the guys and throw Ryan something resembling a bachelor party (okay, so that didn't quite go as planned), and get into trouble, all in the span of two days. And I have to say, I enjoyed myself immensely, though it's been a while since I had quite that much fun. My horrible headache this morning proves that I'm not twenty five anymore and I certainly can't drink like I used to._

_Though at least there were no flaming mattresses and jellied curtains this time._

Kate snorted.

"Hmmm?" came a voice from behind her, sleepy and disoriented.

"Sorry," she whispered, reaching down to cover his hand with her own on her stomach. "Go back to sleep."

"'S too bright," he mumbled, snuggling his face even further into her neck, nose smashed into the pillow.

"Sorry?" she offered.

Castle shook his head, nose brushing the tendon in her neck, and she bit down on the inside of her cheek to stop from shivering at the sensation. He lifted his head then, surfacing from beneath the tangle of her hair. "Whatcha doing?"

She held up the journal.

He excitedly shifted behind her, nudged his chin over her shoulder to gain a clearer view of his words, and Kate had to laugh because he was so adorably eager. It nicely complemented his sexy case of bed head. "Did I miss any?"

She shook her head. "Just started."

"Mmmm."

"I'm glad you're awake, actually," Kate said teasingly as their eyes fell to the entry. "Because..." she pointed to the last sentence she had read, let the words on the page do all of the explaining.

"Oh, right, umm..." Castle stammered. He knew Kate had a wild side in her as well, had done her fair share of less-than-legal activities when she was younger. But he also sometimes forgot that his girlfriend was a cop and maybe there were some things he _shouldn't _share with her. Then again, everything in this journal was originally intended to not ever be shared with her.

"Castle."

"I, umm...things got out of hand?" he offered.

"Clearly."

"No, not...I'd just gotten divorced, okay? And it was bad enough that I had another ex-wife, but she was also my publisher and she still managed to nag me like no other and I just...needed a weekend away."

She rolled over, questioning eyebrow raised, and Castle was struck with the urge to kiss the expression from her face because Kate Beckett with no makeup and tousled hair was quite possibly the least intimidating thing ever. "So you went to a casino in Atlantic City and lit a mattress on fire?"

"Not...exactly?" he said sheepishly.

She rolled her eyes.

"If you must know, we were really drunk and the mattress thing was a joke that got out of hand..."

"Waaay out of hand," Kate interrupted.

"...and I don't even remember how jam got on the curtains."

"Right."

"I don't."

"Wow."

As he looked up at her again, Castle at least had the decency to be a little bit ashamed. He'd had his fun, broken his fair share of rules, and certainly overindulged in alcohol on numerous occasions. Hell, Kate already knew all of that from his rap sheet. He'd never regret any of that because, well, you're only young once, right?

But at the same time, he knew now that he'd never go back to being that man. He'd grown, matured, and who he was now that he had Kate was someone he was very proud of. And not in the 'I get away with whatever I want' type of way, though he'd most certainly gone through that phase in the past.

He sighed, ran a hand over his face when he realized that her eyes were still fixed on him, waiting for an answer. Or something, at least, given that she never actually asked him a question.

"Look, it was a long time ago, and I'm not...I'm not that guy anymore."

She leaned into him, smiled in understanding. "I know."

They fell into silence a moment as Castle contemplated...his past, his life, the questionable choices made by his former self.

"Thank you," he said eventually, and Kate immediately turned questioning eyes his direction. "For...making me grow up."

"I didn't make you do anything, Castle," she pointed out.

"No, no, you're right," he agreed with a shake of his head. "You didn't. But you put up with me as I found my way. And you bring out the better parts of me, Kate. Every day."

She smiled broadly then because in the end, that was one of the deepest and truest reasons that she loved him; because he brought out the best in her as well, and she loved who she'd become thanks to him.

"So do you," she replied quietly, voice full of gratitude.

He kissed her then, lips meeting deeply as they lost themselves in a moment of passion, both completely oblivious to the fact that they'd hardly read any of the letter.

They separated after a few moments and it was Kate who first realized it, dug the journal out from where it'd been half-shoved under the pillows.

"What are you doing?" Castle questioned, still slightly (and adorably) flustered.

"Reading the rest of it."

"The rest - rest of - the notebook? Kate, I...we don't have to read it all in o..."

"Of the entry," she cut in, saving from stumbling through the rest of the sentence. "The rest of the entry."

"Oh."

She released a small laugh, lovingly nudged his shoulder with her own.

_However, not being able to work with you, being sent two and a half hours away from you, wasn't so much fun. Because truth be told, no matter how much fun I had, I missed you. A lot. I missed being by your side all day. I missed standing at the murder board and building theory with you and just...being with you._

_It's ridiculous, because it was only two days but I missed you like crazy. I don't know what I'll ever do if one of us goes on vacation or, heaven forbid, I have to stop shadowing you. Sit around and mope, I guess. I can only hope that day will never come._

_Regardless, it's good to be back in town now (and no longer hung over), and I can't wait to see you at the precinct in the morning!_

_Love,_

_Rick_

"Really?" she drawled. "Two days?"

"Says the woman who once called me from work after two hours because I was home writing and she missed me?"

"That's not...I never..."

"Yes, yes you did," he interrupted. "And you know it."

Childish though it was, Kate stuck her tongue out at him. He leaned towards her and she reacted quickly enough to dodge his advance, but not quickly enough to slip out of his reach. His arms closed around her, tugging her back to him, and he pinned her to the bed with his body.

"Admit it," he murmured, leaning down so closely that she could feel the heat radiating from the full length of his body. "You miss me just as much as I miss you when we're apart."

"Ne...never," she panted.

But then his lips were on hers and she vaguely registered him growling the word 'liar' before everything, her entire world, narrowed down to his scent and his skin and his lips and his everything.

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	63. Kill Shot

_Author's Note: I debated with myself a lot about whether to split this into two chapters, because it's long and just...a lot. But Kate went through this entire journey in one episode, so in the end I decided to leave it as one chapter. There is lots of angst. You have been warned._

* * *

><p><strong>Kill Shot<strong>

"Oh, I...Kate."

She looked up just as he caught her wrist, gently extracted the journal from her hands. She glanced at it as he pulled it away, briefly registered a small sheet of yellow lined paper wedged in between the pages.

"What is it?"

Castle extracted the paper, unfolded it, and Kate recognized it as being from one of her pads of paper from the precinct. She couldn't pinpoint the exact moment he'd written it, though, because him stealing paper from her to urgently jot things down wasn't an uncommon occurrence.

"This one...I remember this one."

"Okay," she prompted.

"It's from the...the sniper case."

"Which one?" Kate asked, and Castle almost laughed - almost - because the fact that there'd been more than one was just a testament to the ridiculously high number of psychotic killers they'd chased over the past six years.

"The one...right after..." Castle swallowed hard and she felt his free hand come to rest between her breasts, fingers tracing the outline of her scar.

Oh. That one.

Kate took a shaky breath, released it slowly. "I'll be fine, Castle."

"I just don't want to bring it all back."

She lifted her chin, met his eyes squarely. "It's okay. Really."

He studied her for a moment but relented when he saw nothing but honesty in her eyes. They'd fought more than once about her reluctance to admit when something was bothering her, but she'd made a valid effort to improve that, to be completely honest with him, and after two years, he trusted her completely.

After all, her eyes had never been able to lie, even when her words did.

"If you're sure," Castle replied, allowed her to take the loose page from him, unfold it and begin reading.

_Dear Kate,_

_I'm worried about you. I can tell this case is getting to you, and it's scaring me. The way you touched your scar at the crime scene yesterday, asked Lanie if Sarah felt the pain of the bullet. I could see you reliving it in your mind, realizing that it could have been you._

_That's actually been weighing on my mind ever since Lanie answered your question. A centimeter in either direction and you would have been gone before you even had a chance to try to hang on._

Kate gripped his forearm, fingernails digging into his skin, and he flinched slightly at the pain but didn't speak, couldn't fathom asking her to loosen her grip. Not if it would help her through this.

_I don't really know how badly last summer is still affecting you, and I've never asked because I can tell that you don't want to talk about it. But I think that maybe you need to. Talk about it, that is. Because whatever it is that you're bottling up is starting to see the light of day. I can see you cracking, Kate, and not only is it breaking my heart, but I can tell it's breaking yours too. I'm sitting here watching you struggle to keep it together, and I know that you hate it when you can't hold things in, but maybe it's time to let it out. Something like this can't stay boxed up forever._

_Because if it's bad enough that you dove for cover when a siren went off today...not to mention the way you were panicking as you looked up at the sunlight glinting off all the high rise buildings...then you need to do something. I know it's difficult to admit that you need help. Everyone struggles with that, myself included. But I've done enough research to recognize the signs of PTSD, Kate. And I know enough to know that it's only going to get worse if you don't do something about it._

_I'm really not in a position to tell you to get help right now, and I know you wouldn't listen to me anyway but please, _please,_ go talk to someone about this. I'm begging you. It breaks my heart to see you like this._

_It breaks my heart to know that you're suffering through all of this and there's nothing I can do about it._

_I just want to see you smiling again._

_Love,_

_Rick_

Kate shuddered as she recalled the way she'd pushed him away, the poor coping mechanisms she'd chosen during those first few days, before she'd gotten her head on straight enough to realize that she needed help, needed to stop making herself appear okay, because her attempts were failing. Miserably.

And she could still recollect all too clearly the way she panicked, alone in her apartment, the crushing feeling of the world falling in on her. The burn of the alcohol down her throat, the slice of the glass on her arm.

Not her proudest moment, not by a long shot.

And she remembered the day she'd told Castle about that night, the way she'd been dreading the revelation and he simply sat on the couch facing her, resting one hand on her ankle as she relived the horrid memory.

_"Kate, hun, what happened?"_

_"What?"_

_His thumb rose to trace the jagged marks on the inside of her right forearm and she instinctively jerked it from his grasp, dropped it out of view._

_"Kate."_

_"Don't call me 'hun,'" she retorted, attempting to steer the conversation in another direction, but Castle was having none of it._

_"What happened to your arm?"_

_"Nothing."_

_He cocked his head disapprovingly. "You and I both know that's not going to cut it."_

_She flinched and Castle eyed her reaction curiously, realized then that his word choice hadn't been very well thought out._

_"You cut yourself?"_

_She nodded, still refused to meet his eyes._

_"On what?"_

_This, she could handle. One word answers that required very little information to actually be divulged. "Glass."_

_"What happened?"_

_Back into dangerous territory._

_"Isn't 'I cut myself' an answer to that question?"_

_"Kate," Castle pleaded, leaning towards her and taking her left hand in his. "You know you can tell me anything, right?"_

_She finally lifted her eyes to meet his, saw the turmoil broiling in their depths. "I know I can," she responded. "But that doesn't mean I should."_

_She saw the hurt flash through his eyes, the brief stab of pain that she recognized as him feeling as though she didn't trust him with the information._

_"It's not...I trust you," she placated immediately. "I just...you don't need to share my burdens."_

_"You're right," he agreed. "I don't need to. But I want to. That's part of a relationship."_

_Kate sighed and Castle continued. "Look, I can't force you to tell me anything. I won't do that. But I know your tells well enough to know that this is one of those things that you probably really need to talk about, even if you don't want to."_

_She dropped her head, annoyed at herself for being stubborn and at him for being right. Again. Damn him and his ability to read her so well._

_When she raised her head again, his eyes were still fixed on her, brimming with honest curiosity and interest._

_"I broke a glass," she said softly, felt the couch dip as Castle shifted, positioning himself farther from her. Giving her space even as she shared this part of herself with him. "It was...during the sniper case. I was drunk and I...knocked it over, and sliced my arm on the shards as I reached for my gun."_

_"Was someone trying to break in?" he asked, hand tightening on hers in fear._

_She shook her head, ashamed of her reaction. "No. I was having flashbacks I guess. I freaked out."_

_Castle nodded in understanding, neither judgmental nor pitying her, for which she was grateful._

_"I didn't realize."_

_She released a self-deprecating chuckle. "I didn't want you to. I didn't want anyone to know what that case did to me."_

_He wanted to keep pressing, to ask her what it was that Esposito said to her, because the difference after the other cop talked to her had been remarkable. But he also knew that Kate had a special relationship with the detective and he wasn't going to intrude on that private moment. It deserved to stay between them._

_"I'm sorry," he offered, not for her, but for the fact that he hadn't tried to do something to help. She wouldn't have taken it, he knew quite well. But he still felt bad that the woman he loved was going through so much and there was nothing he could do but idly sit back and hope she'd be okay._

_Kate squeezed his hand, easily accepted his embrace as he offered out his other arm. "Thanks, Castle."_

Kate still wasn't sure if it was better or worse that he knew, but he'd taken it in stride and it never seemed to change the way he viewed her. And she _had_ felt lighter after letting it out, so maybe he'd been right after all. He usually was when it came to her.

Castle's arm sliding from beneath her grip, his fingers twining with hers, pulled her from the memory. He shot a questioning glance in her direction and she offered a weak smile in response.

"You okay?" he asked softly.

She nodded, reassuring for both herself and for him. Dark memories such as this one would always be a part of her past. But they were just that; in the past. She was in a much better place now, and she had someone that not only knew about her past, but accepted it as a part of her. And perhaps it was that more than anything else that had helped her come to grips with everything she'd been through.

She could handle this. She could. Because, thanks to the man who was gazing at her, eyes full of love, she was stronger now.

"Yeah, Castle. I'm good."

* * *

><p>After two or three minutes of silence, both of them lost in their thoughts, Castle cleared his throat softly, spoke tentatively.<p>

"There's, uh, one more from that case if you'd rather just...get it over with."

Kate reached out for the journal and sure enough, there was another letter dated just two days later, this one intact. She nodded, more to herself than to him, knowing that she needed to do this now.

"Yeah."

He nodded in agreement, seemed to understand.

_Dear Kate,_

_I know you're going through some pretty heavy stuff right now, and though I can't truthfully say that I understand exactly how you feel, I still understand on some level. Because what I went through last May was very different from what you did, but I think that the after-effects are more similar than you realize._

_No, my symptoms are not as severe. But I've had days where the sun is too bright, there are too many reflections, every noise is too loud. I've had nightmares. I've had panic attacks when I woke from the dreams, feeling the ghost of your blood on my hands, thinking you were gone from this world. It was traumatizing, Kate, watching you die, feeling you go limp in my arms. Everything about that day is forever imprinted in my mind, and though I imagine it will fade with time, it will never disappear._

_I know you wanted space this week, and I know you didn't really want to talk about it. But sometimes I think it might help if you did, if we did this together. That way we could lean on each other, help each other through the rough patches. One of us can be the sail that holds the other above water._

_But this isn't supposed to be about me, about what I think would be best. This is about you. I'm sure you probably know what will help you better than I do, and I trust your judgment. So if space is what you want, I will step aside. It did seem to work, because I can tell that you're doing better today than you were at the beginning of the case._

_But before I can leave this be, accept that you don't need anything from me right now, there are a few things I need to say to you._

_I want you to know that you will never be anything less than extraordinary in my eyes. Struggling with everything that has happened to you doesn't make you weak or broken. It makes you human._

_It was so difficult for me to back off this week when all I wanted to do was wrap you up in my arms and make all of your pain just disappear. And maybe someday I'll be able to do that. Until then, I'll be here for you, to talk, to listen, to make you smile, to be your rock, to give you space. Whatever it is that you need, I'll do it._

_I love you, Kate._

_Always._

_-Rick_

"I hated that case," she muttered.

She felt Castle's hand close over hers, envelop her fingers gently. "Me too."

"It scared me."

It was the most difficult case she'd ever worked, bar none. Sure, there'd been others that had hit close to home, reminded her of her mom's case. But no other one had ever affected her so deeply, shaken her down to the core and spread her emotions raw. Not like that case had. And no other case had ever made her fear for her own well-being in the way that one did.

"How so?"

She took a deep breath, prepared herself. She'd never admitted this to anyone, and she probably never would again. "I've never really identified with a killer before, never understood why they chose that way to deal with something. But with him I did. And that scared me."

"You're not him, Kate. You never will be." Castle's voice washed over her soothingly and she felt herself relax, but the fear from the past was still there, seeping through her veins even as she tried to force it out.

"But I could have been. And that's when I truly realized what my mom's case did to me."

"Kate..."

"I know," she interrupted, voice soft but firm.

"No, no." He shook his head frantically. "You never could have been like him. You wouldn't do that. I know you."

"But I could have."

"No..."

"I'm not saying I would have," she clarified. "I'm just saying that it made me realize that I needed a better coping mechanism so I wasn't driven to something...harmful."

"And I'm so proud of you for seeing that."

Kate smiled softly, leaned her head against his shoulder. She'd long since grown immune to his sappy compliments but sentiments like this still caught her off-guard every time, because his faith in her never faltered. And she'd never met anyone before who was so un-waveringly loyal.

"Thanks, Castle," she murmured.

He smiled against her, squeezed her hand in reaffirmation. "Always, love."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	64. Cuffed

_Author's Note: This one is bordering on M...obviously. Because how could it not be, when there were handcuffs involved?_

* * *

><p><strong>Cuffed<strong>

"One last letter before we head back to the city?"

Kate flicked off the light in the bathroom, followed Castle across the master bedroom. "Sure."

He made his way around the bed, turning back the covers and rearranging the pillows, while Kate retrieved the journal and climbed onto the bed. Castle joined her momentarily, slipping beneath the covers and crowding into her as much as possible. She rolled her eyes, nudged him with her elbow a bit so that she could have at least a little more room to breath, but he responded by wrapping an arm around her and rolling them both onto their sides so that he was spooned up behind her, chin perched on her shoulder.

"Really?"

"I just want to snuggle with my girlfriend," he whined with just the right amount of petulance to be annoyingly endearing. Not that Kate would ever admit to that, though her lack of an answer said more than she realized.

While she busied herself with finding the correct page in the notebook, Castle resituated against her back, tightening his grip on her and managing to ruck up the hemline of her shirt just enough to trail his fingertips teasingly across the bare skin of her stomach. Her muscles fluttered under his touch, but she bit down on her lip, forcing away any other reactions. She was _not _going to let him get to her _that _easily.

"Everything okay?" he asked teasingly, breath fanning across the exposed skin of her upper arm.

"Read, Castle."

_You are cruel, Kate Beckett. A horrible tease._

_Next time without the tiger? God, if only you knew how badly I want next time to be right now, maybe you'd take pity on me. Instead, you just gave me a whole new list of fantasies. Handcuffs. Waking up next to you with the handcuffs. All kinds of naked adventures with the handcuffs._

Kate felt a slow smile spreading her mouth, coy and sexy, because she could already tell that this letter was going to be the precursor to some sexy fun times. Very sexy and very fun times, if past experience was any indication. And she should've known, really, should've remembered that this case was next. Because, well, she had woken up locked in a basement and handcuffed to Castle, and after the initial panic wore off, she remembered thinking with a self-deprecating chuckle that it must be the universe playing a horrible trick on her; forcing her to be cuffed to her partner just days after so desperately needing space from him.

"Problem?" Castle murmured, lips at her ear, his own smile playing across his features.

Kate subtly adjusted the angle of her hips, pressing them back into the cradle of his pelvis. "No."

She both felt and heard his response but paid it no heed, merely continued to make her way through the letter.

_Or even just waking up with you again with no cuffs involved, because that in itself was pretty wonderful. Except in this hypothetical scenario, we'd both be naked and we'd remember what happened the previous night. And I have a feeling those would be some pretty wonderful memories. Hot and seductive and sexy. Kind of like you, especially when you're wearing skin tight jeans and really high heels that just accentuate...well, everything about your body._

_And then we would re-enact the previous night's adventures, and I would get to know exactly what you're like in the morning. Except without the lone mattress and the dank, dark basement and the aftereffects of the drugs and your far-too-practical turtle neck sweater. Instead, we'd be in my giant bed, no clothing to be found, and plenty of early morning adventures would ensue._

_And I have to admit, I was pretty proud of how well we managed to work together once we found our groove. I love it, how in sync we are._

_But back to this hypothetical 'next time.' Because I'd get to hold your hand and wrap my arms around you from behind and you wouldn't mind in the slightest. And we could re-create all the awkward positions we found ourselves in while we were cuffed together. But again, without the clothing (and I would gladly assist with the undressing process). Handcuffs are far more kinky when both parties are naked._

_But I know you're not ready for any of that yet. I know you have some things to work out. And I'll wait; because I love you and because you're worth it. You're so worth it, Kate. I know patience isn't my strong point, and if you ever read this letter, you'll probably be rolling your eyes right now, but for you, I can do it. I can wait._

_Seriously, though, you said 'next time' and I'm going to hold you to that. I don't know when, but I know for certain that there will be a next time. A first time for us, and many more after that. If I'm sure of anything, it's that. And I'm looking forward to it immensely. Handcuffs or not, I know it will be amazing, Kate._

_Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go take a very cold shower._

_Love,_

_Rick_

A jolt of arousal flooded Kate's body at the memories of their first time together - and the two rounds that'd followed in the next few hours.

Oh, but it had been worth it. And so good. Hot. Amazing. Passionate. It was everything and more and it was a night that neither would ever forget.

Handcuffs hadn't happened that first week, not even during the first month, mainly because they were having so much fun without handcuffs that neither initially thought to bring it up. But Castle had finally broached the topic one night, just as she'd known he eventually would.

_She was lying boneless in her bed, Castle's hand tracing patterns on her skin, soothing her into sleep, when he broke the silence._

_"Kate?"_

_"Hmmm?" She lifted her head, still dizzy with the aftereffects of their recent activities._

_"When we were handcuffed in that basement..."_

_There was really only one direction this could be going. "Yeah?"_

_"After we got out, you said 'next time we should do it without the tiger.' Were you serious?"_

_Kate hesitated and Castle took her silence as a 'no.'_

_"If not, that's fine," he continued quickly. "I just...I had this dream the other night..."_

_Heat flooded her upper body, arousal curling through her veins. It shouldn't fluster her this much still. Not after two months of not having a job and spending her days mostly immersed in Richard Castle. He'd admitted to having dreams about her since they first met, and she'd had her fair share about him, too. They'd shared some of them with each other, acted them out, even, bringing to life their most erotic fantasies. But it still caught her off-guard when he started talking about them._

_"I..." she began, unsure of how to voice her thoughts._

_"You have done it before, right?" he asked timidly. "Used restraints, I mean?" Kate had always made it seem as though she had prior experience, but maybe she was just being a tease._

_"A long time ago," she answered after a moment, curling on her side to face him, propping herself up on one elbow. "But it didn't go well."_

_Well, actually, that wasn't completely true. More than one man had very much enjoyed being tied to the bed by her, allowing her to take complete control. But after that first incident, no one had ever convinced her to be the one who was restrained, because there was never anyone she trusted enough to completely surrender her control. Until Castle._

_"Did he hurt you?" he asked immediately, ready to spring into action, track the guy down and punch him, and she wanted to be annoyed at his protectiveness but she'd come to find it rather endearing, how protective he was of her, how dedicated he was to preserving her safety and well being._

_"No," Kate assured him, resting a hand on his chest to calm him. "Let's just say that I didn't really trust anyone at that time in my life."_

_Oh. So it'd obviously taken place not long after her mother was killed. Of course she was untrusting, and rightfully so._

_"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked," he said softly, hand cupping her cheek, stroking his thumb along her jaw._

_She shook her head, wanting him to understand. "It's okay. That was a long time ago with a guy who was kind of a jerk, and I was a different person then. But with you...I trust you, Castle. And...yes."_

_"Really?"_

_Trust had been their biggest issue since becoming a couple, unsurprising given their histories, the explosive secrets they'd kept from each other, and the various other messy scenarios they'd found themselves in while trying to hide their relationship._

_But they'd fought long and hard to win it back over these last couple months, and if this wouldn't prove how far they'd come, Kate didn't know what would. It hadn't been an easy process for her, but she was at a place now where she trusted him implicitly, not just with her life, but with her heart. With everything._

_Besides, the way Castle touched her, the patience with which he explored her body...she had no doubt that the sensations would be even more overwhelming if she was tied up._

_"I trust you," she repeated._

_Castle brushed a gentle kiss to her lips, grinning against her mouth. _

_And later that night as she lay panting in her bed while Castle un-tied her hands from the headboard, she could say without a doubt that trusting Castle with that had been one of the best decisions she'd made in a long time._

"Just what are you thinking about, Detective?" he asked, jerking Kate out of her reminiscence, back into the present.

She raised an eyebrow saucily. "Probably the same thing you are."

"Oh yeah?" he set the journal aside, rolled her onto her back, caught her arms, and pinned her to the bed, hands over her head. "And what would that be?"

She raised her hips to meet his, a wicked smile on her lips as his breath caught. "Grab the cuffs and I'll show you."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	65. Till Death Do Us Part (Part I)

_Author's Note: This is sappy. It's been written for almost four months. And it's my absolute favorite chapter so far. I hope you guys feel the same._

* * *

><p><strong>Till Death Do Us Part (Part I)<strong>

"You coming to bed soon?"

Castle lifted his head, tilted it back to look over his shoulder at the sound of his girlfriend's voice. Kate padded across the office, came to a stop behind him and rested her left hand on his shoulder. He reached up to cover her fingers with his own, smiled up at her. "Yeah, in a couple minutes."

"Okay," she murmured.

Castle debated saying more, but Kate seemed to have no problem with waiting. Her eyes were already flitting around the room, her hand dislodging his and sliding from his shoulder up to his head so that her fingers could card through his hair. She alternated between fingering the strands and massaging his scalp, and he quickly descended back into his writing mode, back into memories of the case they'd closed just hours earlier. Their first one since returning from the Hamptons, and thankfully it'd been relatively straight forward, allowing them to gradually ease back into work.

A few more strokes of the pen filled the remaining blank lines of the page, and Castle quickly re-read his work before signing his name at the bottom, the same way he ended every single letter. He set aside his pen, closed the book, and the sound of the cover meeting the pages guided Kate's focus back to the man sitting in front of her. She ruffled his hair lovingly, smiled down at him as he turned his head and lifted his eyes to hers.

"Done?"

He nodded. "Yep."

Kate's eyes flicked to the journal, away, then back again, as something registered on the edge of her consciousness. She paused, giving weight to the thought as she struggled to latch on to what exactly it was that stood out.

"Everything alright?"

She shrugged. "This one's different." The words escaped her mouth almost without conscious realization but as soon as they crossed the threshold, she realized that they were correct.

"What do you mean?"

"The cover," she answered, reaching out to finger the edges, smooth and un-tattered. "It's..." she opened it, thumbed through the mostly blank pages. "You got a new one?"

"Found it in my desk drawer," he offered. "But yeah. Other one was full."

She nodded to herself, silently set it back on the surface of the desk. She couldn't believe he'd filled an entire journal of letters for her, about her, to her. It was...overwhelming, to know that not only had he based an entire character off of her, but that he still found the words to write about her in other genres as well.

"Bed?" he offered, seemingly unaware of her momentary distraction.

"Yeah," Kate stammered, pushing aside the overwhelming sense of wonderment. "Yeah."

Castle stood, flicked off the lamp, the room descending into darkness, illuminated only by the residual light shining from their bedroom. Kate reached for his hand as she took a step back, pulled him after her into the bedroom. Once there, he toed off his socks, stripped out of his sweatpants so that he was wearing just a t-shirt and boxers. Kate, already in her pajamas, climbed into bed, folding back the covers for him to join her. He wasted no time in doing so, situating himself next to her, shoulder to shoulder and propped up against the pillows.

By silent agreement they both were drawn to the older journal, to Castle's words once again, and he reached over to the nightstand, retrieved the book and opened it in front of them.

_Dear Kate,_

_Someday, that's going to be us. You and me. At the altar._

_I can see it. Me in a tux. You in a long white dress, simple but elegant. A beach wedding, I'm thinking. I love you in heels, but for this you'd be barefoot. Hair half-pulled back, the wind catching the flowing tendrils, making them dance in the breeze. You would be holding a small array of flowers, lilies perhaps, and your mother's ring would be nestled against your chest, keeping her close to your heart on this day. Your dad would walk you down the aisle and you would be smiling at me, that gorgeous smile that sneaks out when you're not holding anything back. You're beautiful all the time, but you'd be the most stunning bride._

_And then I would smile back and I wouldn't be able to take my eyes off of you. And I hate to admit it, but I would probably shed a few tears because you're so gorgeous and amazing and about to be my wife._

_The ceremony would be small, just our families and friends. You'd stand there with me at the altar, hand in hand, and I'd be in awe of you...your beauty, the fact that you're actually marrying me. Your dad would tear up and so would my mother. And there would be an empty chair in the front row in honor of Johanna, and I know that wherever she is, she would be crying tears of happiness as well._

Kate reached up then, discretely swiped away the droplet that slipped from the corner of her eye. If Castle noticed, he wisely didn't say a word.

_And then the officiator would start talking but I'd be so lost in your eyes that I wouldn't hear anything until the vows._

_I don't know what you'd say, but I know mine would end with "always." Because really, there's no other way for our story to end. Then I would kiss you, our first kiss as husband and wife, and you'd probably have to push me away from you because I'll have forgotten that we're in public and that I should keep the kiss decent. You always have had more self-control than me, after all._

_We would turn to the crowd and everyone would be clapping and smiling as we walked back down the aisle, arm in arm, grinning so broadly that our faces hurt. There would be a delicious meal and dancing and I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off of you all night._

_After the ceremony and our cake and the first dance and all of that, I'd whisk you off on a romantic honeymoon to a destination of your choosing, and we'd spend the entire time naked and wrapped up in each other, never wanting to return to reality._

_But I'm getting carried away. You still need space and time, and even when you're ready...because I'll wait until you are...it's not like we'd be rushing to the altar. Maybe you were right, and third time is the charm, but this time, I'm going to take my time and do things right. Because after this, there isn't going to be a 'next time.'_

_So someday in the future, you and me. Together._

_It's on my bucket list, you know...get married and make it last. I'd all but given up on that one. And then I fell in love with you. And if there's anyone I'd want forever with, it's you, Kate. Without a doubt._

_I love you so much._

_Always,_

_Rick_

"Did you really know back then?" Kate asked curiously, setting the journal aside. Her eyes were still brimming with tears from his letter, his words about her mother. But there was a mix of other emotions swimming in their depths as well; curiosity, trepidation, hope, adoration, love.

"Yes and no."

She cocked her head.

Castle paused, contemplated his choice of words. "I think I knew and didn't realize it. I knew that I loved you in a way I'd never loved anyone else. I knew that I wanted to be with you for the long haul. And when I saw Ryan and Jenny, I knew that I wanted that kind of happiness."

He stopped, took a breath, wiped a hand over his face as if to clear away the lingering pain of what he was about to say.

"But I also think I was jaded, so I refused to accept that I wanted to marry you. I've failed twice, and I know I've made light of it in the past, but it's something I take very seriously. In my mind, marriage was equated with eventual failure, and I didn't want to lose you. It was like a very real fantasy that I wasn't sure I actually wanted to come true, you know?" She hummed her understanding and he continued. "I knew that this was different than the other times, but I didn't know if it was different enough to make a difference. Does that make sense?"

Kate nodded thoughtfully. "Yeah. It does."

"Good."

"And now?" she probed.

Castle reached up, gently cupped her jaw with both hands. "I love you, Katherine Beckett. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I understand now, in a way that I didn't back then, what that entails." He dropped his hands to her shoulders, trailed his fingers down her arms to twine their hands together. "But I think you already know that."

"I..." Kate choked up, the words frozen in her throat_. _"I do, Castle. And I want this so much. I want _us._"

"So do I," he replied effortlessly.

"So that's a yes?" she asked, words spilling from her lips before she even realized what she was saying.

"Wait, what?" Castle met her eyes, shocked. "Did you just...propose to me?"

"I...maybe?" she replied sheepishly, though she couldn't take all the credit. As it was, they'd kind of proposed to each other.

"Does that mean I get an engagement ring?"

She freed a hand, swatted his chest. "No."

Castle released her other hand then, climbed out of bed, half tugging the covers off of her in his haste. He crossed to the dresser, opened his underwear drawer and extracted a small velvet box from the back left corner.

She felt a brief pang of regret at not exactly letting him ask her, in the lovely way she knew he would have, a long string of beautiful words culminating in a seven-word question. Though to be fair, his beautiful words were what initiated the entire conversation. And he seemed okay with it happening this way and they were getting married and he was walking towards her with a diamond ring and it just...

Gosh, she was so overwhelmed.

Castle crawled back into bed, arranged himself so he sat facing her, legs crossed in front of him. He handed the box to her with shaking hands, and as Kate took it from him, she realized hers were trembling too.

She barely registered the soft noise of the box being flipped open, or the way the ring caught slightly on her knuckle as he slid it into place. All she could focus on was the beautiful sparkling diamond band on her finger.

"Castle..." she breathed, lifting watery eyes to his, and _no_, she was absolutely _not_ going to cry right now. "It's gorgeous."

She ran a finger over the band, so many flawless diamonds sparkling up at her. It was...stunning. And perfect.

And hers.

When she looked up again, her eyes locked with her partner's - _fiancé's, _she corrected herself - and the pure love radiating between them was overwhelming to say the least. Castle crushed her to him then, falling back against the pillows and pulling her down on top of him. He kissed her deeply and she responded just as avidly, tongues tangling, lips caressing.

"We're really doing this?" he asked when they finally separated, breathing heavily, thoroughly disheveled, but smiling so hard their cheeks hurt. "We're really engaged?"

Kate smiled broadly, her whole face glowing with happiness and love. "Yes, Castle. We are."

"God." He hugged her again, buried his nose in her neck. "We're getting married," he choked out, and she could feel his tears against her cheeks.

It figured that he would be the one to cry in this moment.

"Yeah," she breathed in response, an amazing feeling of calm falling over her. "Yeah, we are."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	66. Till Death Do Us Part (Part II)

_Author's Note: I received so many sweet reviews last chapter, and I didn't have a chance to reply to most of them, but thank you so much for all of your kind words! I'm so glad you all enjoyed the chapter, because I absolutely loved writing it!_

* * *

><p><strong>Till Death Do Us Part (Part II)<strong>

"Hey, Katie."

She smiled, slid into the booth across from Jim. "Hey, Dad."

Kate shrugged out of her jacket, situated it next to her on the bench. He watched silently as she settled in, a soft smile on his face as he took in the barely-hidden smile on her lips, the way her eyes were overflowing with happiness. He knew that she was happy with Rick, knew that the author was good for her. But it'd been while since he'd seen her so completely giddy (because yes, she thought she was trying to hide it, but he knew better).

Before the older man could comment, however, a waitress appeared, placing two mugs of hot coffee in front of them and promising to return in a few minutes before bustling off to attend to her other patrons. It was a quaint diner, fairly out of the way, a place they'd found not long after Jim had gotten sober, and it had been their standard meeting place ever since. But it was bubbling with people today, a popular place on this Sunday afternoon.

"So what's got you so cheerful toda..." Jim trailed off as Kate reached for her mug with her left hand, the new piece of jewelry sparkling in the ambient light. His face broke out into a huge smile and he set his own mug aside, reached a hand across the table. "Is that what I think it is?"

Kate grinned widely, the happiness that she was struggling to contain overflowing in waves, radiating off of her. She left the coffee on the table, extended her hand to her father. "It is."

"Wow," Jim commented, taking in the flawlessly cut diamonds, the shining band encircling her finger.

"Yeah," Kate breathed, dropping her eyes to it yet again. It had been a struggle the entire drive to the diner to tear her eyes away from it, to the point where she ended up sitting on her left hand for the last few blocks, forcing it out of sight so that she was actually watching where she was going.

When he looked up again, there were tears shimmering in his eyes, but the proud smile on his face said everything she needed to know.

"Congrats, sweetheart."

Her smile grew, the muscles in her cheeks already sore from the amount of grinning she'd been doing since last night. "Thanks, Dad."

He released her hand and she slowly slid it back across the table, once again reached for her coffee, but her eyes never once left her ring finger, not until she lifted the mug to her mouth and look a sip of the hot liquid.

"So how did it happen?" Jim asked, reaching for a menu and handing the other to his daughter.

Kate took it from him, opened it on the tabletop in front of her. "Uhh, well..."

Jim misconstrued her hesitation, clarified. "You can skip over the embarrassing parts."

Her head snapped up. "What? No, Dad, it's not...embarrassing," she stammered, though the heat rising in her cheeks surely wasn't helping her case at all.

"Then what is it?"

Kate hesitated. The only person she'd told about the journal was Lanie, and she was relatively certain that Castle hadn't told anyone either. It was just that part of her life was no longer all that private, and the journal seemed...sacred, somehow, because almost nobody knew of its existence.

On the other hand, she _really _didn't need her father thinking that the proposal had occurred while they were naked in bed, which was clearly his initial assumption. "It's just...not something I've told many people about," she offered, the best combination of words she could come up with as a description.

"Well, how recently did this happen?" he gestured to her left hand.

"No, no, not...this," Kate clarified, flashing the diamond ring. "Just..." she took a deep breath, released it slowly. She could do this. She really could. It was her father, after all. "Okay, so Castle has this journal. He's been writing in it since we first met, actually."

"Really?"

She nodded. "Yeah. They're...letters. To me. Things he wanted to say to me or things he learned about me or just observations. All kinds of stuff."

"And he gave it to you?" Jim asked curiously.

Kate laughed. "No, I kind of stumbled across it a few months ago, and he told me I could read it, so we've been making our way through it together."

"I'm guessing this ties in to the proposal somehow."

She smiled. "We were reading it last night, and the letter he wrote was from right after Ryan and Jenny's wedding."

Jim nodded, recollecting Kate speaking of that day with fondness. "Ah."

"He essentially described our hypothetical future wedding. Two and a half years ago. And it was just...so beautiful, and we started talking about weddings, and getting married, and kind of wound up proposing to each other."

"So no extravagant romantic gestures?"

Kate laughed. "Nope, just me stealing his moment."

He shook his head. "You two."

She just grinned, eyes flicking down to her hand again, which was wrapped comfortingly around her coffee mug.

Jim chuckled, reached for his own mug and took a long, slow drink before speaking again. "He's a good man, Katie. And he's lucky to have you."

She shook her head, blinked back a tear. Oh, Castle had turned her into such a sap, if she couldn't even tell the story of their proposal without tearing up.

"No, Dad, I'm the lucky one."

* * *

><p>As the conversation reached a natural lull, the two turned their attention to the menus, making their selections as they awaited the return of their waitress. Kate settled fairly quickly on a salad and half-sandwich platter, and while her dad continued to scan the options, she found herself immersed in memories of the last sixteen hours. All of it had been playing on a loop in her mind since she opened her eyes this morning, from their words to the smile on his face to the tears in his eyes to everything that happened afterwards. And this morning. More than once.<p>

She felt heat rising in her cheeks again, suppressed that particular set of memories in deference to the fact that she was sitting across from her father and should most certainly _not_ be thinking about her naked fiancé. Or the things they'd done to each other.

Instead, she forced her thoughts in another direction, to the letter they'd read this morning after reaching a state of at least temporary satiation. They'd been curled up together, recounting various aspects of the previous night and Castle had made a joke about the journal being the one to propose, and then it was only a matter of time before they'd started reading again.

And the letter had been appropriate, really, as it traced the outline of how far they'd come since they met. How far Castle had come.

_Dear Kate,_

_It occurred to me last night that I didn't actually write anything about this last case in my letter, so I decided to do so now. Because there are some things that I think you should know._

_First of all, I think those guys were ridiculous. Pick up artists, really? I can't imagine that they are overly successful (I guess they admitted as much), and it kind of makes them look pathetic. And to be sleeping with that many girls in such a short time period? I don't even understand how that's possible, let alone why you would want or need that many...bed partners...at a time._

_It's really no secret that I had my years of fun. There were one night stands and flings and other decisions that, in retrospect, were questionable at best. But I never ever slept with more than one girl at the same time. Okay, that didn't sound quite right. I just mean that I've never been one to be unfaithful. I may not always have stuck around very long, but when I was with someone, I was with them only._

_And after seeing these guys and hearing their reactions and watching them talk about these women...I admit, I saw some of myself in there from years past. There was a time where I was proud of the number of women I'd slept with (for the record, I'm actually glad you didn't tell me your number, because I don't think you'd have been all that impressed with mine). Where I would have loved to have a journal like our victim did, documenting every escapade. Where going on extravagant dates was a large part of my lifestyle. I was never a pick-up artist, per se, but there was a time in my life where I would have envied these guys, tried to learn from them, perhaps._

_But I want you to know, Kate, that I'm not that person anymore. The fun that I used to have, that lifestyle...that's not who I am. It's still there, it will always be a part of my past, though I'm not necessarily proud of it. But I'm not interested in that kind of life anymore. You've told me in the past that you're a 'one and done' type and that you're a 'one writer girl.' I know it's a little late for me to be the 'one and done' type because, well, I'm already at 0 for 2. But that's what I want now. That's the type of relationship, of future, that I'm searching for. Not late nights out on the town flirting with women who are only after my fame or my bank account. Not having empty conversations with women who are more concerned with their spray tan than common sense and any type of intelligence. Not smiling for cameras and putting on that persona that's become publicly associated with me._

_I want the type of happiness that Ryan and Jenny have found with each other, the kind that is based on mutual trust and love and affection._

_I want solid and real. I want someone who sees beyond the public image, who isn't after me for my money or my lifestyle. I want someone who is smart and witty, who can match me word for word, who can have an intelligent conversation with me. I want tall and brunette and gorgeous. Tough as nails yet vulnerable and open, weighed down by baggage and yet able to smile and laugh and offer to be my wedding date._

_(In case you haven't figured it out, it's you, Kate. I want you.)_

_Love,_

_Castle_

"Katie," Jim called softly, guiding her out of her daydream.

"Huh? Yeah, sorry," she replied hurriedly,

Her father smiled softly, reached out to cover her hand on the table. "I think you're allowed to be a little caught up right now. But maybe you can take a break to order your food."

She looked up, noticed the waitress stepping up to their table, notepad at the ready.

"Right, of course."

He dropped his arm back into his lap, looked up with a smile as the young blonde woman stepped up to take their orders. Kate managed to make her way through the ordering process, politely stacked their menus and handed them back to the waitress with a smile and a 'thank you.'

Her father was just about to speak, to ask why Castle hadn't come along today, when Kate's phone chimed in her coat pocket. She automatically retrieved the device, opened the text message, and from the smile that bloomed across her face, Jim could only assume that it was from Castle.

Kate typed back a quick response to his words, slipped the phone away, and lifted her eyes to meet her father's. He was gazing at her affectionately, eyes twinkling in that all-knowing fatherly way.

"What?" she asked, suddenly self-conscious.

Jim shook his head, hid his smirk behind another sip of coffee.

"I'm happy for the two of you, Katie."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	67. Dial M For Mayor

**Dial M For Mayor**

The loft was dark when he arrived, only a faint stream of light making its way through the cracks in the bookshelves. It wasn't all that late; just after ten, because Alexis had insisted that she needed to head back to her apartment and study a bit before bed. Naturally, Castle had done everything he could think of to stall her, to prolong their conversation, but she'd eventually declared that they could either share a cab or she'd take her own. So he'd relented, riding back to campus with her and then heading straight home to Kate.

He'd at least somewhat gotten used to Alexis not living at the loft for most of the year; after all, it was the beginning of her junior year at Columbia now. And he couldn't be more proud of his daughter, of her academic successes as well as the ways she'd grown and matured. It was so wonderful to watch her discover herself and find her way and she now seemed miles away from the teenager who'd struggled to find her place amongst backstabbing girls, who'd fought to find her way after her dreams of Stanford were crushed.

And though he was proud of her independence, though he had Kate now so he wasn't alone in the loft, he still felt his daughter's absence, and it was always elevated right after visiting her.

Once inside, he made a beeline for their bedroom, fully intending to wrap Kate up in his arms and hold her until he felt less of a hole in his life. But when he arrived at the doorway, he froze in place, eyes drawn to his fiancée. She was leaning against the headboard, knees curled up in front of her, a book balanced on them. But he could tell, even from a distance, that she wasn't reading.

No, her eyes were solidly focused on her left hand, on the glittering piece of jewelry that he'd placed there just twenty-four hours ago, and the soft smile on her face was so sweet and tender.

"How'd it go with Alexis?" she asked after a minute, never lifting her gaze, and he startled slightly.

Castle smiled and shook his head in disbelief, though really he should've known that she'd heard him approach. "It went well. She's...she was excited and protective all in one."

Kate lifted her eyes now. "So she's okay with it?"

He crossed to the bed, toed off his shoes and sunk down next to her. "Of course."

Kate leaned in to steal a kiss from his lips, smiled against him before pulling away ever so slightly. Their eyes met and held, sparkling with love and the radiance that still hadn't worn away since the proposal, and probably wouldn't for quite some time.

Castle broke the moment a few minutes later, nudging Kate's shoulder with his own, drawing her from her trance. Her eyes had been fixed on the ring once again, mesmerized by the shimmering diamonds and all that they symbolized.

She smiled up at him, completely besotted and not even the slightest bit embarrassed that he'd caught her staring at it. Again.

"If I'd known that was all it would take to get you to marry me, I'd have shown you the journal a long time ago," Castle teased gently

"Don't make me regret it," she joked, eyes dangerous, dancing with mirth. But it was a good kind of dangerous, a sexy dangerous.

He reached for the journal, handed it to her. "Then perhaps we should read some more. Don't want you to go changing your mind now."

She rolled her eyes lovingly but set aside her novel, scooted over so that he could situate himself next to her. She opened the journal, flipped through to the bookmark.

_Dear Kate,_

_You have no idea how difficult it is, hiding this from you. I hate keeping secrets. I have to, for your safety, and that's the only reason I've held this in. But I hate it._

_And I know you're not going to like me when you find out. You're probably going to be furious and kick me out of your life. That seems to be our pattern and I don't foresee that changing. But if I tell you this, let you back in on this case, they're going to try to take you away again. And this time, I don't think they're going to fail. __So I hope you can understand my point of view. I hope you know that I'm only doing this because I have to keep you safe. I have to. Because I love you, and I need you, and I can't lose you._

_I don't care if you think you have a right to know, if you think you can handle it. The fact is, you don't get to know, because even if I tell you in secrecy, there's a chance they may find out, and that's something I couldn't handle._

_I almost failed the first time, Kate, and I'm never going to let that happen again. I will do anything, anything, to keep you alive, even if you hate me for it. I'd rather have you alive and angry at me than not a part of this world. You deserve to live, Kate, to experience life. Your mother would want you to be able to have all the things she never did, do the things she didn't have a chance to do. I never knew her, but as a parent myself I know that's what she would say._

_Did you know that your Dad asked me to keep you safe? That Montgomery put that responsibility on my shoulders the day before he was killed? I don't want to have to keep this from you, but I wasn't really given a choice. I was given this responsibility by two people I have a great deal of respect for, two people who would do anything to protect you. It's a responsibility I take very seriously._

_So I will continue to keep this a secret. I'll continue to uphold my part of this deal. I hate going behind your back, but it's the only way to keep you away from the case, and that's part of the deal. You have to stay away from the case._

_And I have to be the one to ensure that you do._

_I never understood the connection between this case and your mother's. Not right away. Not until this mystery friend of Montgomery's called did I even consider that the cases might be related. But he explained it to me yesterday, after it was all over. Explained to me that the mayor was set up to take the fall for this in order to keep him from moving up. Because as long as Weldon is the mayor, I'm allowed to shadow you. And if I can shadow you, then I can make sure you stay clear of the case._

_As soon as Weldon is out of office, I'm out of the precinct. And then we've lost that line of defense._

_It's convoluted, I know, and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it, to be honest. But Montgomery trusted this man so by extension I trust him as well. And if this is what needs to be done, I'll do it._

_At some point, I know I'm going to face nasty consequences. I understand that and I'll probably deserve it. But it's a risk I'm willing to take, because your safety is far more important._

_Someday, I hope that you understand this too, Kate._

_And someday I hope that you can live your life free of the confines of this case and of the past. Someday I hope you can live without fear. Until then, I'm here to help ease the burden._

_Love,_

_Rick_

"I don't think I ever thanked you for that," Kate realized suddenly, lifting her eyes to his.

"For what?"

"For everything you did to protect me."

"No thanks needed, Kate. You know I'd do anything for you."

"But I was horrible to you. I treated you so badly and all you were doing was keeping me safe."

"Kate..."

"No." She held up a hand, silenced him. "Just let me say this."

He nodded, quietly mumbled an "okay."

"I just..." she began, paused to regain her train of thought. "I know it might have seemed like I hated you at the time, but the truth is I only hated what you did. I never hated you."

"I'm glad," he acknowledged, voice barely above a whisper. His right hand came to rest over her left, fingers fiddling with her engagement ring. "Because since we're..." he traced his thumb over the diamonds as he searched for the words, "I'm...I'll do whatever it takes, Kate. I want us to have our forever."

She wanted to protest, but how could she? It would only lead them to the same dead end they hit every time they had a close call and started admitting to their fears of losing one another. It was a disagreement neither would ever win. And besides, she was still giddy from the proposal and the sentiment was sweet, and she just wanted to bask in this moment with him.

So she set aside the journal, leaned in to kiss him deeply.

"Me too, Castle."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	68. An Embarrassment Of Bitches

**An Embarrassment of Bitches**

They'd had a fight. Again.

It was the third time this week, and Castle wasn't sure if it was because the excitement of being newly engaged was wearing off or because of the stress of their newest case or because his new book was about to come out or even just because sometimes, these things happened. Probably a combination. Add in the fact that neither had slept well and tempers had been running high, and it hadn't taken much for them to start snapping at each other again.

The first time, it was at least somewhat reasonable and not overly horrible. Kate had wanted to stay at the precinct until she caught a break. Castle had a phone meeting with his agent and needed to head home. She'd promised to be home by eight and he'd promised to have a warm meal waiting. But then Ryan caught a break and she and Espo got caught up in warrant requests and new evidence and theorizing, and it was after ten before she'd even realized that she was late.

So she shot him a quick text that read, _so sorry, leaving now,_ and almost ran to her car.

But when she'd arrived at home, the kitchen was dark, as was the rest of the loft. She crept through the living room, into his office, but there was no sign of him there. Into the bedroom, but he wasn't there either. It was then that she noticed the sliver of light from beneath the bathroom door, heard the soft sounds of the shower running.

Kate knew him well enough to know that he was probably upset with her and most likely wouldn't take kindly to her joining him beneath the spray, so she took the time to slip out of her work clothes and into pajamas, perched on the edge of the bed to anxiously await his exit from the bathroom.

When the door finally opened, he stepped out in just boxers, hair still damp and his broad chest completely exposed. Kate was momentarily caught up in memories of the feeling of his chest beneath her fingers, pressed against her back, hovering above her, before she startled back into the present and raised her eyes to his.

He was upset, and it was completely warranted. She could see in his eyes that he was disappointed and annoyed at her for not keeping her word. And she was far too tired to deal with this but she knew she had to.

"I'm sorry," she said with a shake of her head.

"You were supposed to be home over two hours ago." No acknowledgment of her apology. No hint of a smile. Not good.

"I know. But Ryan found something and we were following it up and I just..."

"I don't care, Kate," Castle said icily, cutting her off. "I made chicken Parmesan. I tossed together a salad, and I chilled a bottle of wine. And then I ended up eating leftovers from yesterday. Alone."

"I lost track of time," she said quickly, speaking while she had a chance. "I'm sorry."

"You could have called."

"I didn't realize..."

"That your partner, your _fiancé,_ wasn't by your side? It didn't even occur to you to glance at a clock? How long have we worked together, Kate?"

She sighed, dropped her head into her hands. "Look, I messed up," she admitted. "I know that. And as soon as I realized it, I dropped everything and came straight here. But you're right...I should have called."

He didn't reply, merely crossed the room and slipped into bed on the other side, his back to her. Kate shifted, crawled over to him and rested a hand on his shoulder.

"Castle."

No answer.

"Castle, I appreciate all the trouble you went to for me. I really do, even if I screwed up everything else. And I'll make it up to you. I promise."

He shrugged, dislodged her hand. "Forget it."

"Castle, please."

He rolled over then, and though his eyes were still angry, she could see that the intensity had lessened. "Why?"

"Because I love you," she said simply. "And because I hate when we fight."

"So do I, but I also hate when I have a rough day and I plan a nice evening to de-stress both of us and then it doesn't happen."

"You act like this is a normal occurrence."

"Well, how do I know it won't become one?"

"Castle..."

"I'm serious, Kate."

She sighed again. "Look, I know I screwed up. I already said that. And I've already apologized. But there have been times where you were so engrossed in writing that you lost track of time. So how is that any different from what happened tonight?"

"I..." he began, stopped. "I don't know, I guess."

"Because it's not," Kate pressed. "It's not any different. And that's why I can't promise that it won't happen again, because we both know that it will. But I can promise to call next time."

Castle sighed now, rolled back over so he was facing away from her. "Fine."

Knowing that was probably all she'd get from him tonight, she pulled back the covers on the other side of the bed and slipped beneath them, facing Castle's back but not touching him, giving him space but letting him know that she was there for him. She knew he would seek her out in his own time.

* * *

><p>She woke in the morning wrapped in his arms.<p>

* * *

><p>The second fight was two days later. <em>Heat of the Moment<em> was to be released in two weeks, and Black Pawn had insisted on throwing a pre-launch party this coming weekend. Castle agreed to it because he hadn't done much promotional work all summer.

Naturally, he'd invited Kate along, said it'd be a good way to publicize their engagement. She'd disagreed, questioned why they had to make it public. It'd only been a week and a half and could they keep it to themselves a while longer? He'd pointed out that people would notice the ring and speculate anyway. She'd suggested that she could either not come or not wear the ring. And, of course, an argument ensued.

This one was worse than the first. Castle accused her of being embarrassed to be marrying him. When she denied that allegation, he asked if she was unsure or had changed her mind. She denied that as well, and viciously so, turning the accusation back around on him. So they'd yelled and screamed and said all sorts of things they didn't mean.

And then he'd angrily pinned her against the door, clothing flying in all directions, and it was rough and hot and pounding and they collapsed in a heap afterwards. But by the time they made it to bed, the majority of the anger was gone, so they didn't bring it up again.

Perhaps they should've, though, because the party was tomorrow night and they'd just had another fight about it. Or, really, it was a continuation of the same fight from three nights ago, and Castle was realizing now that angry against-the-door sex probably hadn't been a legitimate solution. Because they'd resolved absolutely nothing.

Kate still wasn't keen on announcing their engagement. Castle thought it'd be the best way to go to prevent rumors from spreading like wildfire. They could release a statement, have a couple pictures taken on the red carpet, and leave it at that. But this time, rather than make-up-sex, Kate had taken a step back, claiming she needed some perspective. So she'd laced up her running shoes about an hour ago and headed out to clear her head.

And then Castle found himself alone in the loft, the silence too overwhelming, their words still echoing in his head. So while Kate was pounding her anger into the sidewalks of Manhattan, Castle sank into the living room sofa with a glass of scotch and their journal and a pen.

He actually considered writing something, translocating his anger to the page, but settled instead on reading. He flipped through the book, debating starting at a random location, before deciding to begin at the first time he'd said 'I love you' in writing. Because though he was angry at her, his feelings hadn't changed since that night, and perhaps reading all of the reasons he loved her would help calm the anger that still pulsed through his veins.

He began there, worked his way chronologically through the following letters, reaching and surpassing the most recent one they'd read together, but there was still no sign of Kate and he was feeling much better, much less angry, so he continued anyway. He could always read it again with her later.

_Dear Kate,_

_Sometimes it scares me, how much I love you. How intense the feelings are, how all-encompassing. We're not even together, we rarely even engage in physical contact. And now maybe I understand why that is, because if unintentionally taking hold of your hand sets my heart racing, I have no idea how I'll survive anything else._

_That was...unreal, Kate. I truly wasn't intending for that to happen. I was just going to drop off Royal and leave you to it. (Though maybe a part of me secretly wished you'd invite me to stay for a while.) I was just going to explain what I'd learned about his likes and preferences. I had no intention of taking your hand and stroking it tenderly. It caught me completely off guard. And I think it did the same to you, actually. I could tell that you felt a bit off-balance and you seemed a bit unsure of your words. _

_I will admit that I like knowing that I can get to you just as easily as you get to me. It reminds me of what we're working towards and how incredible it's going to be once we get there._

_Us._

Castle had to look away then as the emotions overwhelmed him. He still remembered that night, the way his blood had pounded through his veins, the heat that he'd felt when Kate looked up at him the way she had; like she'd wanted to kiss him, like just the thought of it had left her breathless.

And it had. Mere kisses had left both of them breathless on multiple occasions. No other woman had ever cast such a spell over him.

Just as his thoughts spiraled down into those memories, he heard the door to the loft open, looked up in time to see Kate step inside and shut the door behind her. She slipped out of her shoes, padded to the kitchen for water, seemingly not noticing his presence. Not until she cleared the corner of the counters again did she register the fact that he was sitting on the sofa, eyes fixed on her.

"Hey," she offered, not quite sure where to start.

"Hey."

"What are you...?" He held up the journal. "Oh."

"How was your run?"

"Good." She shrugged, sipped some more water. "I feel better now."

"Good," he agreed, stilted and awkward, and God, he hated this.

She seemed to detest it as well because it was Kate who spoke first.

"I'm sorry, Castle," she murmured, crossing to stand behind the sofa, one hand rested on his shoulder. "This week has been so stressful and I just...I haven't handled anything well. And I apologize for that."

He lifted his hand, covered hers with his palm. "I haven't either. I...overreacted. And I'm sorry too. But we do still need to talk about this."

She nodded, bent down to press a kiss to his top of his head. "I know."

His fingers began to fiddle with her engagement ring, tracing the surface, twirling it lightly around her finger.

"I don't want this splashed all over the news either, you know," he offered, figuring that was an okay place to begin.

"It's not you I'm worried about."

He turned his head as much as he could, twisting his neck around to look at her. "Then what?"

"The paparazzi. Paula. She likes to make a big deal out of everything."

"I can tell her not to."

"But will she listen?" Kate queried.

"She better, because I'm the one who pays her."

She released a slight laugh at that and Castle relaxed at the sound, a sign that they were on their way to patching things up.

"I'll make she she handles it discreetly," he promised.

"Okay. Yeah, okay. I'll go," Kate relented after a moment of contemplation, weighing the outcomes. "And I guess we can release a statement. Just...small, okay?"

He lifted his hand, pulled her down for a kiss. "Of course."

They separated but Kate didn't go far, resting her chin on his shoulder as her eyes squinted to make out the words on the page of the journal that lay in his lap. They didn't look familiar, and she guessed it must be one she hadn't yet read.

Castle seemed to understand what she was doing then, lifted it slightly so she could see more clearly.

"Did I miss any?" she asked.

He shook his head, temple bumping hers slightly. "Nope."

"Okay."

As she read the first bit of the letter, Castle skimmed the sentences to find where he'd left off, finished reading the rest of the entry.

_Well, I hope you and Royal are enjoying your evening together. Truth be told, I was kind of enjoying having him at the loft. But I'm glad he's with you now, because now you're not alone. I know, I know, you'd say that you don't mind living alone. But still, it's nice to have company. And it makes me feel better, knowing that there's someone...or, well, something...looking out for you._

_You know what, maybe we shouldn't do split custody anymore. Maybe you should just keep him. And when I get bored or lonely, I can come over and see him._

_(And you, of course, an added bonus!)_

_I'm pretty sure I could get used to that arrangement. Any excuse to spend more time with you is a valid excuse in my book._

_I love you, Kate._

_-Rick_

Kate couldn't help but laugh as she finished reading, because subtlety had never been his strong point when he was there in person, but in these letters, he held nothing back. At times it was sweet, or heartbreaking, or loving. In this case, he was just plain smitten, and it was completely adorable.

"What?" he challenged, but she just shook her head, pressed a kiss to his cheek.

"Just...you."

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><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	69. The Blue Butterfly

_Author's Note: You can thank 1822andallthat and Cora Clavia for this chapter, for suggesting shenanigans and Martha, respectively. Thanks for the ideas, you two!_

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><p><strong>The Blue Butterfly<strong>

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><p><em>Why would you tell a story when you don't know the ending?<em>

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><p>"Coolest case ever," declared Castle as they stepped across the threshold into the loft, pizza box balanced between them as they gracelessly fumbled their way through the door.<p>

They'd wrapped up their latest case this afternoon, headed off to the Old Haunt for appetizers and drinks with Ryan and Esposito before heading their separate ways. Kate had suggested picking up a pizza on the way home, and between the alcohol and the large pizza box and both of them attempting to walk through the doorway at the same time, coordination wasn't exactly happening at the moment.

"Even cooler than the time you found that old PI's journal and read it and started imagining you and I as those people from the past?" Kate asked, the memory fresh on her mind from reading his journal entry about it just days earlier.

"What? I did no such thing!" he denied, finally making it into the loft.

"Castle."

More vehemence this time. "What? I didn't."

"Really?" she raised an eyebrow. "You really expect me to believe that you didn't? I _caught_ you saying my name instead of hers."

"No I didn't," Castle protested, half-laughing as he attempted to cover up the truth in that not-so-subtle way of his.

"Tell me that all you want, but I've never believed you."

He snorted.

"And, I'm pretty sure I can prove that, too."

"What? How?"

She crossed the loft to their bedroom, Castle depositing the pizza on the counter and trailing at her heels. Once in the room, Kate paused to discard her jacket and shoes before picking up their journal and beginning to flip through it nonchalantly. Castle's reaction was instant, nearly diving across the bed to reach for the journal the moment he realized what she was after. But Kate was quicker and she dashed across the room, out into his office and to the far side of his desk.

He appeared in the doorway moments later, lunged for her hands over the desk, but she merely stepped back out of his reach. He changed tactics then, hurrying around the desk, but once again Kate was quicker and stepped back into the living room.

She was next to one arm of the sofa, Castle standing by the other, when a key turned in the lock and the door swung open to reveal Martha, dressed in a bedazzled outfit and still made up from her performance tonight.

Castle took Kate's moment of distraction and darted after her, reaching one hand out for the journal before seemingly noticing that they had an audience.

"Mother..."

"Darling, whatever is going on out here?" Her eyes flickered distinctly from Kate to Castle and back again, silently raised an eyebrow. Thank goodness they were both still fully clothed.

"Mother, what are you doing here?"

"Well, I'm having some repairs done on my apartment and, if you'll recall, I did mention that I'd be staying with you for the weekend."

Castle gulped, glanced at Kate who was fixing him with a raised eyebrow and a daring expression. "I, umm...it must have slipped my mind?" he offered sheepishly.

"Well don't mind me, I'll just make myself scarce and let you two get back to..." she flitted her hand in their direction, "whatever it is you're doing."

Kate was trying hard not to blush when she suddenly felt the journal being tugged out of her hands. "Castle!" she exclaimed, arm jerking out to snatch it back.

"Darling, really?" Martha asked, mock disapproval. "Haven't you outgrown the days of not being able to share?"

"I'm not...it's...ours," he stammered, holding up the journal.

"Your...what, exactly?"

"Journal," Castle answered as though it was obvious. "It's..."

Martha held up her hands, bringing his words to an abrupt halt. "I don't think I need to know what's in it, Richard. My imagination can fill in the blanks."

"Oh, Martha, no, it's not..." Kate spoke up, suddenly hit with the urge to clarify that it wasn't - whatever Martha was assuming it was. Castle glanced at Kate, curious as to what she would say, but before she spoke again, she caught his eye, waited for his silent nod of approval. "It's just letters."

"To Kate," he added.

Martha seemed intrigued now, stepped closer to examine the journal. "Ah, yes, I've always wondered what that was. I used to see Richard writing in it all the time, but every time I entered the room he would abruptly hide it away."

"I did no..."

"Richard, please," the woman interrupted. "Subtlety has never been your strong point."

"I have to agree with her there," Kate chimed in with an apologetic shrug of one shoulder.

"So now I'm curious," Martha said, stepping towards Kate. "What does he write in these letters?"

She shrugged, reached out and slipped the book from Castle's hands, buying herself time to decide exactly what to divulge. "Observations, mostly. At least that's how it started. Things he noticed about me. Sometimes he writes about the case or something he learned. Now it's deeper, though. More personal and emotional."

She thought back to the letter they'd read just two days earlier, the reason she'd gone after the journal in the first place, because she knew she'd be able to prove him wrong.

_Dear Kate,_

_You know one of the things I love the most about you? You love to read. You're so well informed, and we can have intelligent conversations - something that's difficult to find these days. You understand literature and literary techniques, and I think you're the only woman outside of Black Pawn who I've actually been able to talk to about that kind of thing. You're wicked smart (which is so very sexy). You have a great vocabulary (which is incredibly hot). And you hold an appreciation for the written word (including my books, which is very flattering)._

_The other thing I love about your love of reading is that you long for the story. Just like me. It's not quite the same, I know. I see a beginning and an ending and come up with a story to explain it. You read to find out how the story ends. It's different, but in some ways it's very similar. And what you do as a detective is similar to what I do when I write._

_I loved this case, and not just because of the PI's journal, or because I got to re-create their story in my head. No, I loved it for other reasons. I loved it because a decades old story finally got its happy ending. I loved it because of the way Joe and Vera's story drew you in. I loved it because of the way you handled their situation (and it makes me love you even a little more knowing that you were completely captured by the two of them). And I loved it because somewhere in all of that, I could see us._

_I've always been of the opinion that the ending of a story will work itself out eventually. I've always believed that you and I will, too, so I haven't spent a whole lot of time considering the hows and whys of you and me that far into the future. But when I saw them together, I could see it. I could see us in their shoes, us living their story (minus, you know, the killing people and changing our names part of it). In my head, it was all so clear. Because the way that they felt about each other, the pure love and adoration...that's how I feel about you, Kate._

_True, it took me a little longer than four days to get to that point. But if they can fall madly and love and elope in under a week and still be happy all these years later, I have faith that you and I will sort ourselves out one day and be able to begin the next chapter of our story, too._

_Love,_

_Rick_

"Huh. Well, it sounds fascinating," Martha offered with a thoughtful nod.

Kate smiled gently, forcing herself out of her reverie. "It is," she offered, eyes still slightly glazed as she teetered on the edge of the memory.

"Alright, well I'm off to bed," Martha announced after a quick moment, breaking the brief pause in conversation. "You two have fun."

With a flourish, she whirled around and made her way up the stairs, heels clicking down the hallway until the door of her bedroom closed behind her.

Kate turned then, found Castle smiling at her adoringly. "What?"

He shook his head. "Just...hearing you describe it to her."

She smiled, shrugged. "Yeah, well...it's true."

Castle grinned in agreement. "You know, someday someone's going to stumble across this notebook and be intrigued by it."

"Like you were with the PI's diary?" she joked, looping the conversation back around.

"I wasn't."

Kate loosely flipped back through to the right page, underlined his words with her fingers. "Right here."

Castle was struck with the urge to stick his tongue out at her, but refrained. "Fine, maybe I did think that."

"Told you." Childish but oh so satisfying.

"Either way, when some unknown individual stumbles upon this someday, he's going to have an interestingly convoluted story at his fingertips."

"Oh really?"

"Of course. I mean, you gotta admit, we have a pretty good story," he pointed out.

Kate nodded thoughtfully, smiled at the thought. "We kind of do, don't we?"

"Writer falls in love with muse; the story of how it took him four years to convince her to go out with him," Castle announced, spreading a fake banner in the air with his hands.

Kate rolled her eyes. "No."

"Why not?"

"Because...Nikki Heat is already immortalizing our story. This," she held up the journal, "is private."

"So you don't want some rich and famous novelist to uncover it one day and try to put together the mystery?"

"What mystery?" Kate asked, closing the journal and setting it aside. "Need I remind you, the other journal was only a mystery because people were murdered."

That silenced him, at least for a few moments, before he spoke again. "Right. Well then...they can turn it into a movie and it will be one of the great love stories of all time."

She raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Well I suppose..." he began, was silenced by her fingers over his lips.

"How about we just enjoy writing our own story and let the universe figure out the rest," Kate suggested,

Now it was Castle's turn to raise an eyebrow. "The universe? How very - _mystical_ - of you."

She shrugged. "Yeah well, I guess I've learned that you just never know where life will take you."

Silence fell at her words while Castle marveled at how far she'd come since he'd begun his quest to help her believe in magic and fate. He knew it was still a struggle for her at times to have the same blind and unwavering faith in them that he possessed. But maybe, just maybe, she was closer to believing than he thought. And he knew exactly how to continue convincing her.

He offered a hand, far more dramatically than strictly necessary. "Well in the meantime, Detective, can the universe allow me to take you to bed?"

Kate smiled, eyes twinkling, and clasped her free hand in his. "Always."

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><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	70. Pandora & Linchpin

_Author's Note: *Still* don't have power, so I'm posting this while I can. I've had very limited internet access this week, so I apologize for not being able to reply to reviews. This weekend will probably be the same way. But thank you all so much for your support and encouragement!_

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><p><strong>PandoraLinchpin**

"Hey." Kate looked up, smiled as Castle approached, dressed down into a t-shirt and sweatpants now.

"Hey."

"Whatcha doing?"

She lifted her right hand, held up the journal. They'd left it on the end table in the living room the other night, hadn't had a chance to read from it in a few days. But it'd caught her eye as she'd wandered across to the sofa with a glass of water.

"Reading?"

She shook her head, set it back on the table and began tracing her finger up and down the spiral binding. "No just...thinking."

"Good thoughts, bad thoughts?" he pressed.

Kate shrugged. "Nah just trying to remember why it was out here and then I started thinking about the letters and us and...life?" she offered meekly.

Castle stepped up behind her, wrapped his arms around her waist, hands coming to rest on her stomach. "Our past life, our future life?"

She turned her head, nose brushing his cheek. "Are you practicing your interrogation skills?"

"Yes, I've decided that the next time a suspect is lying to us I'll wrap my arms around them and nuzzle them into talking," he said sarcastically, tracing the shell of her ear with the tip of his nose as he spoke.

"Right."

He smiled, squeezed her tighter.

"I was just wondering," he answered, seriously this time, fingers finding the sparkling band on her finger. "Because you know, we do have a wedding to plan and I just thought maybe that was what...I don't know, never mind."

Kate set aside her glass, turned in his arms. "I was just thinking about how far we've come," she murmured, omitting the part where her daydream was also melding with snippets of a beautiful future. A future that, at times, still seemed so surreal.

"Mmmm."

She leaned into him, rested her head against his shoulder as her arms rose to wrap around his neck. "Yeah."

"Well then, would you care to read the next page of our story?" Castle asked after a moment.

Kate lifted her head, nodded. "Sure."

He nudged her backwards towards the sofa, sat down next to her, rearranging the pillows while she reached for the leather book, flipped to the next page.

_Dear Kate,_

_I don't even know what to say right now. Everything seems like a horribly warped dream, and I just...where do I start when everything I thought I knew turned out to be a lie? Not everything; obviously that's a bit of an exaggeration. But enough of my world has been twisted on its axis to the point that I'm not sure which way is up anymore. I should have convinced you to come home with me tonight, or at least to go out for a drink. Something, anything, so that you were still here. Because I didn't feel quite so lost when I was with you._

_I used to feel that way with Sophia, you know? She was so knowledgeable and straight forward and I...wasn't. And she just commanded your attention...the same way she did these last few days. On the days I felt like I didn't know my way, especially with writing, she made everything seem clearer, more neatly laid out before me. Because she was the inspiration for Clara Strike, at least initially._

_And now, to find out that any and all of it could be a lie. Like I told you, not all of Clara was based on her. In the end, she'd become more, different, had taken on a character of her own. But to know that what I originally based her on was just a huge deception? It makes me question a lot of things. Including how I never caught on before now. And how I could have been so blind, fooled so easily._

_And then there's the part about my father potentially being in the CIA. I'm still so in shock over everything that I'm not even sure what to think. I haven't given it much thought, and I'm not sure I can give her words much credence anyway. It's not as though she was an honest person. And knowing that she essentially played people for a living - who's to say that's not what she was doing to me, too? Toying with me one last time before she killed me. I just don't even know what to say anymore, who to trust, who to turn to._

_I'm not saying I don't still trust you and believe in you, Kate, because I do. But it does make it hard not to be wary now that I know the truth about Sophia, now that I know that she was probably just playing me the whole time. I know that's something you would never do. But...can I ever really know that about anyone anymore?_

_I tried to tell you this before, but with everything else that was going on, the circumstances weren't ideal for us to actually sit down and have a conversation. But I need you to understand, Kate. __It wasn't the same with Sophia and me. Not even close. I met her not long after Meredith and I divorced and I was young and rich and heartbroken and just kind of flailing through my life. But she was strong and authoritative and a wealth of information and because of that, she always held some kind of power over me. I'm not proud of what happened, not then, and certainly not now. But it happened nonetheless._

_My point is, she wasn't you. Not even close. Yes, I was attracted to her. Yes, I slept with her. Yes, I was in awe of her. But no, I never loved her._

_With us, it was more about the physical. I shadowed her, of course, like I do with you. But she never opened up to me, not really. She wasn't interested in that kind of relationship (and now I understand exactly why), there was little to no emotion involved. And for me, at that time, it was exactly what I thought I wanted._

_But I know better now. I know that there is more to a relationship than sex, that there is more to a friendship than just working together day after day. There's the trust, the respect, the connection. The love. I never had that with her, Kate. Only with you._

_And I don't want to let what she did, the way she betrayed me, interfere with what you and I have. It's not easy when someone you once thought you knew turns out to be someone you never imagined they could be. But I'm going to try, Kate, because I don't want us to have the same ending she and I did._

_Hell, if we can survive a plunge into the Hudson, we can make it through this._

_(By the way, I'm really glad you're okay. That both of us are okay. Of all the near-death situations we've faced, I think this one might have scared me the most.)_

_I love you._

_Rick_

Castle shook his head, ran a hand over his face. "I still can't believe she could do that."

"People can be horrible."

"I know," he agreed. "You and I see plenty of that on a daily basis. But still - when it's someone you knew - or, well, thought you knew..."

"Yeah," Kate murmured, thinking back to Montgomery and Royce, to the way things ended in both situations. "I know the feeling."

Silence fell for a moment, both of them lost in their thoughts. Finally, Kate spoke again.

"Did I ever tell you that she almost talked me out of my feelings for you?"

Castle's head snapped up. "What? No, you didn't."

She sighed, shook her head, ashamed of the fact that she'd allowed Sophia to mess with her. "Told me she wished she'd never slept with you, because after she did, the tension was gone and you guys were left with nothing. I almost believed her, too. She planted that seed of doubt, you know?"

"She wasn't exactly wrong," Castle offered.

"But...she told so many lies," Kate pointed out. "And whether that one was true or not, I don't think that, deep down, I ever believed her. There was no way I could feel the way I did about you and have that fizzle out. No way."

He smiled at that, reached out to tuck a few strands of hair behind her ear. "Never."

Kate set the journal back on the table, leaned her temple against his as she thought back to the trajectory of her feelings, the ways in which both she and Castle had changed, not only since that day, but since the very first entry in that book. The ways they'd changed each other, had grown together. The way they'd built such a strong connection of mutual trust and respect and love.

How far they'd come indeed.

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><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	71. Once Upon A Crime

_Author's Note: Thanks everyone for your reviews! I haven't had a chance to reply to very many...but thank you :)_

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><p><strong>Once Upon a Crime<strong>

"Okay, spill."

"Spill what?"

"Katherine Beckett," Lanie scolded. "You've had that ring on your finger for almost three weeks and I still haven't heard a proper story about the proposal."

"I told you..."

Lanie held up her hand. "Nuh uh. 'We were in bed and he already had the ring' doesn't count."

"It's true," Kate protested.

"I have no doubt. He's probably had the ring for ages, and you two seem to spend plenty of time in bed. But I want to hear the rest of it."

Kate sighed, hopped up on a clean table. Lanie leaned against one nearby, facing her friend, eyeing her as though she dare not omit a single detail. (Although Kate fully intended to gloss over what happened _after_ the proposal. Until almost three in the morning. Because there were some things Lanie _really _didn't need to know about Richard Castle.)

"Remember the journal I told you about?"

"He wrote you a proposal?" Lanie squealed.

Kate rolled her eyes. "Do you want to hear the story or not?"

"Right, of course."

"So we were reading the journal and we were at the case that was right before Ryan's wedding. So of course he wrote about the wedding. Except it wasn't all that much about _their _wedding. It was more a hypothetical scenario."

"He wrote your wedding?" Lanie exclaimed, appearing as though she was trying very hard not to jump up and down.

"Basically."

"And then what?"

"We got caught up in talking about it and it just...happened."

Lanie held up a hand. "Hold on, what's that supposed to mean, 'it just happened?' Obviously he had to ask you somehow."

"Not exactly," Kate said slyly, a smile splitting her face.

"So what, he just silently pulled out a ring?"

Kate shook her head.

"Girlfriend, I could guess all day, but it'd be faster if you just tell me."

"I don't know, this is kind of entertaining."

"Come on, Kate."

She looked down, heat flushing her cheeks. The minute she admitted how the proposal _really _happened, she was never going to hear the end of it. Ever. Because it may have been mutual, but she'd basically proposed to Richard Castle.

"I sort of...did the asking."

Lanie shot off the table, actually squealed, hands flying up to cover her mouth. "You what?"

"I...asked him?"

"How?"

"We were talking about this hypothetical wedding and we both agreed that was what we wanted someday. And it just - really, Lanie, it just happened."

"Girl, you proposed to Richard Castle!"

Kate sighed. She'd certainly predicted that outcome. "Kind of, yeah."

"Damn, girlfriend, I was expecting a good story, but I wasn't expecting _that_ good of one!"

Kate laughed nervously. "Yeah, well, I don't think either of us was expecting it either."

"So what did he say?" Lanie asked curiously.

"Before or after he got done crying?" Kate asked teasingly. Because every time he made fun of her for being the one to propose, she simply reminded him that he'd been the one to cry. And every time, it shut him up.

"He cried?"

"Little bit," she admitted with a grin. "But don't tell him I told you that."

"So when's the wedding?"

Kate shrugged. "No idea yet. But he already kind of planned out everything else so perfectly."

"That man and his words."

"Yeah," Kate agreed, though her mind was no longer engaged in the conversation. Lanie couldn't tell if she was thinking about their wedding or Castle's words or simply the man in general, but given the blissful smile on her face, she opted to remain silent and allow Kate to have this moment.

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><p><em>(Last night)<em>

The bedroom was dark, just the lamp on Kate's side of the bed illuminating the room. Both of them were curled beneath the blankets, him wrapped around her from behind as they read his letter. Below them, the city nightlife was in full swing, the lights and sounds out in abundance, but here in their bed, they noticed none of it.

_Dear Kate,_

_Thank you for coming with me tonight, for comforting me as my mother took my childhood and warped into some alternate reality in which she was supermom and I was a terrible son. I always knew she had a propensity for over dramatization but until today, I didn't realize just how much I'd underestimated those tendencies._

_Hopefully you know better than to believe everything she said. I have a feeling you caught on, though, given the way you took my hand (and didn't let go until the very end of the 'performance'). So thank you, for comforting me and making me feel at least a little bit better about my childhood._

_By the way, I can't wait for the day that we can hold hands for no reason other than because we want to. When I can lace my fingers with yours and lead you off to our own happily ever after._

_Speaking of happily ever after, after this case, I'm a little creeped out by the whole fairy tale subculture. I know it's no stranger than any others but the murders kind of put a damper on it for me. I'm never ever allowing anyone I know to dress up as Cinderella or Snow White or Sleeping Beauty for Halloween. Or any other occasion, for that matter. Never. The magic has been completely ruined._

_But just because that magic is gone, it doesn't mean that there's not still magic in this world. I remember last year, when you said that you didn't believe in fate or magic or anything of the sort. I made it my mission that day to make you believe again. I knew it wouldn't be easy, given all that you've been through that hinders your willingness to believe. And it was clear from what you said this week about happy endings only happening in fairy tales that you're not there yet. But I'm not giving up. I'll persevere for as long as it takes. Because if anyone deserves magic and a happy ending, it's you, Kate._

_And I hope I can be the one to help you learn to believe again._

_Love,_

_Rick_

* * *

><p>"Kate?" Lanie called softly, dragging her friend out of her mind.<p>

"Hmmm? Oh, sorry," she managed as she became aware of her surroundings once again. Had she been daydreaming about Castle's letter in front of her friend?

"Are we a little distracted?"

"No," Kate blatantly denied, shaking her head.

Lanie raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

"Fine, maybe a bit," she admitted on a sigh.

"Fun night last night?"

Kate shrugged, aiming for nonchalance, because she had no intention of explaining to Lanie the extents to which Castle had gone to make last night 'magical.' But she had to admit that he'd succeeded. Flickering candles, warm massage oil, his hands and lips and naked skin surrounding her, everywhere at once. Just thinking about it was flooding her face with heat.

"I'll take your blush as a yes," Lanie replied sassily.

"I...no, not...fine," Kate relented. "Maybe."

"You want to try that again and make it seem a little more convincing?"

She was struck with the urge to stick her tongue out at her friend but refrained, hopped off the stainless steel table and adjusted the hem of her shirt. "Not really."

Lanie raised an eyebrow again, smugness written all over her face.

"I gotta get back to work," Kate offered by way of explanation, turned to make her way out of the morgue, completely ignoring the 'oh really' expression on her friend's face.

"Right," the ME drawled.

"I do."

"Mmhmm."

She crossed to the swinging door, pushed it open. "I have paperwork to do."

"You also have Castle to do, and I know the two of you well enough to know that you're gonna toss aside the paperwork and head home to have some wild crazy..."

"Shut up!" Kate called over her shoulder as she headed down the hallway, out of range of the rest of Lanie's words, though she knew enough to know exactly how Lanie had been planning to finish that sentence.

She stepped into the elevator, a smile on her face as she thought of the various ways Lanie's suggestion could play out, and by the time she arrived back at the bullpen, her mind was resolutely made up.

The paperwork could wait until tomorrow morning.

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	72. A Dance With Death

_Author's Note: In case you missed it, I posted an outtake to chapter 68 as a separate one-shot. It's called 'Sweetest Words' and can be found on my profile._

* * *

><p><strong>A Dance with Death<strong>

"Dude, what do you mean, you can't tell us? You've been avoiding the question for weeks."

Castle shrugged. "I just...can't."

"That's code for they were naked in bed, bro," Ryan stage whispered.

"I...what? No we weren't," he denied, louder than strictly necessary.

Kate's head whipped around, eyes meeting Castle's, silently pleading him to keep his voice down. It was a Thursday afternoon, and the bullpen was buzzing with activity. Which also meant that everyone was milling around, and all too eager to overhear every conversation.

She didn't even have to be there to know what they were talking about, because Ryan and Espo's mission for this entire week had been to find out the story of the proposal. They'd pressed for it initially, given up after Castle and Kate refused to divulge. But now that Lanie knew (and 'accidentally' let it slip to Esposito that she knew the whole story), they'd redoubled their efforts, even going so far as to bet on who would find out first.

Thus far, though, they remained unsuccessful, despite promises of pizza and alcohol and video games, and numerous other offers.

Kate was not averse to them finding out, per se, though she knew she'd have to endure a requisite amount of teasing once they found out that she essentially did the asking. In fact, it was Castle who was purposely holding back, and the only explanation Kate had surmised was that he didn't want to admit that he hadn't actually been the one to do the proposing.

"They were," Esposito agreed, drawing Castle's focus back to the conversation.

"We were both fully clothed, thank you very much."

Ryan shook his head. "I don't believe him."

"Me neither, bro. Why else would he be holding out on us?"

"Guys, seriously."

"Come on, man, you were full of advice when I was getting ready to propose to Jenny."

"You're not asking for advice."

"Well, no, but..."

"Maybe he's embarrassed," Esposito interrupted.

Ryan turned to his partner, pointing a finger in the air. "That could be. Maybe he stumbled over his words."

"Maybe she freaked out at first."

"Maybe he cried."

"Oooh, I bet tha..."

"Guys," Castle cut in, waving his arms. "I'm right here."

"Yes, but you're not giving us any answers, so we're figuring it out on our own," Ryan pointed out.

"You know, using our skills as Detectives."

"Wow," came a voice from behind Castle. He swiveled his head around just in time to see Kate step up next to him in their small circle. She had a coffee mug in her right hand, pad of paper tucked under her right arm, but she made no secret of reaching out to brush her left hand over Castle's arm and smiling up at him. He offered a weak smile back, relief that she was here to most likely put an end to this pathetic attempt of an interrogation. "Is this really the only thing you guys have to do?"

"No not - not exactly," Esposito began.

"We're just - waiting on a lead from..." Ryan threw a thumb over his shoulder. "From those guys. They're checking into it for us."

"Right," she drawled. "And so you thought you'd corner my partner and leave me to do all the work?"

"I..."

"No..."

"Yeah, geez guys," Castle spoke up, only to be met by three identical glares. "I mean...did you find something?" he asked suddenly, turning his attention to Beckett.

"Yeah, two guys who seem to have forgotten their interrogation skills and a third who should be helping out his partner," she replied sardonically.

"Awww, come on, Beckett. We just want to know the story of his grand proposal."

"There was no grand proposal," she replied straight-forwardly.

"Fine then, his not-grand proposal."

"What's the big deal, anyway?" Kate questioned. "We're engaged. Doesn't that speak for itself."

"Yeah but..."

"We just..."

"Wanted to know..."

"How he asked you..."

She rolled her eyes, though she had to admit that she wasn't really all that annoyed by their antics. And maybe, just maybe, she could put them out of their misery.

"He didn't," Kate replied, watching in amusement as they reacted to her words. "It was me."

And with that, she turned on her heel and crossed to the break room, Castle hurriedly trailing behind her as Ryan and Esposito stood frozen in place, staring at their disappearing backs.

"I..."

"She..."

"What?"

"Right?"

Esposito pulled out his phone, began tapping away at the screen.

"Who you texting?" Ryan asked, peering over his shoulder.

"Lanie," he answered as though it was obvious. "I gotta make sure that means what I think it means."

* * *

><p>"Geez," Castle breathed as he stepped into the break room on her heels, pushed the door part way shut behind him. "They're relentless."<p>

Kate glanced through the slats of the blinds, shook her head as she took in the two of them, engaged in an animated discussion. "Yeah well, now they've got something to puzzle over."

"Temporarily."

"Is it really such a bad thing that they want to know?" she asked.

Castle turned to her. "No, I just...wasn't sure if I really wanted to explain it all to them. You know, about...the journal."

Kate reached for two coffee mugs as Castle began to operate the espresso machine, the scent of fresh coffee swirling into the air between them. "Yeah, I guess that might be a little strange."

Martha and Jim knowing was one thing. Ryan and Esposito was another entirely. And she wasn't sure she really wanted to explain that Castle had essentially written her a book of love letters for the last six years, ranging from 'I want to sleep with you' to 'I care about you' to 'I wish I didn't care about you' to 'I'm so madly in love with you.'

She smiled at that thought as it brought back memories of last night, the letter they'd read just before falling asleep. One that was very much an 'I'm so madly in love with you' letter.

_Dear Kate,_

_I want you to know that even if you weren't a cop, even if you someday decide that you no longer wanted to be a cop, I'll still love you. No matter what. Because I love you exactly the way you are, and having a different job wouldn't change that. Yes, I love watching you run down bad guys, and you're hot as hell in the interrogation room. I love seeing you all dressed up for the job, and watching you work is such a turn-on. Yes, okay, I admit it. The way your mind works is so sexy. Everything about you is sexy. But there is much more to you than that, and even if you weren't a cop, those qualities would never change._

_And, well, if you someday decide you still really want to be the first female chief justice...I'll be right there beside you supporting you the whole way. Helping your dreams come true. And loving you as much as ever._

_And hopefully somewhere along the way, you'll be able to finish knocking down that wall and make my biggest dream come true as well._

_Love,_

_Rick_

"Hey." Castle nudged her hand with a mug of steaming hot coffee, tearing her from her trance.

"Sorry," she murmured, turned her hand to take the mug from him, lifting it in his direction. "Thanks."

"You doing okay?"

She smiled. "Yeah, just thinking."

Castle took a drink of his own coffee, lifted a hand to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. "Anything good?"

Kate's eyes flicked to the bullpen, where Ryan and Esposito had stopped their conversation and were now fixed on the two of them. They looked away quickly when Kate caught their eye, busied themselves with an imaginary pile of papers on Esposito's desk. She shook her head, smiled softly.

"Come on, Castle. Let's get back to work."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	73. 47 Seconds

_Author's Note: __This letter is the first one I ever wrote in real time. As in, I watched the episode live and wrote this right after. __Castle's situation hit really close to home for me at the time. Really close. __That was six months ago and I've barely changed a word of what I originally wrote, because I didn't want to lose any of the raw emotion._

* * *

><p><strong>47 Seconds<strong>

"Want to read?" Kate asked, holding up the journal as Castle slipped under the covers. It was early yet, just after nine, but as they had to be in fairly early tomorrow, it seemed an appropriate time to head to bed.

"Sure," he agreed.

They situated themselves beneath the blankets, Castle on his side and Kate on her stomach next to him, propped up on her elbows. He draped an arm and a leg over her, his weight comforting as it pressed her into the sheets. She sighed contentedly, flipped open to the next unread entry in the notebook.

Always such a beautiful way to end the day.

_Dear Kate,_

_I'm such a fool. Either that or you're an incredibly good actress. Maybe both._

"Oh," Castle said suddenly, reached out to wrap his fingers around her wrist, garner her attention.

"What?"

"This one..." he trailed off, unsure of how to explain it. They'd touched on the secrets they'd kept that year, though the main focus had been on his rather than hers. And that was intentional because, at times, this particular memory still stung too much for Castle to want to talk about. But he'd put it off once before, a few weeks earlier, and as much as he was dreading reliving this, he knew it needed to be done. He wasn't sure he was ready, but it no longer appeared as though he had a choice.

"This one what?" Kate prompted.

"It's rough, Kate. I remember almost every word of it because I was so upset."

"Okay..."

"It's from the case with the bomb that went off at the protest."

Oh. _Oh._ The point where their relationship shifted from steadily growing closer to completely falling apart without any real indicators that things had gotten so bad. And though Kate had eventually surmised that Castle somehow found out about her lie, she'd never known exactly how. Apparently that was about to change.

So...not such a beautiful way to end the day this time, it seemed.

"Okay," she murmured in assent, feigning more strength than she felt, because she already knew this one was probably going to tear her apart. Though to be honest, it wasn't really herself that she was worried about, if the strained creases on his forehead were any indication. "Okay, we can do this."

"You sure?"

She lifted her eyes to his, deep and serious. "If you are."

He nodded, returned his eyes to the page, to the words he already knew almost from memory.

_Whatever it is, you sure had me going. I thought we had a chance. I thought when we talked on the swings all those months ago, that it was me you had in mind when you said you needed to break down that wall before you could have a relationship. I thought that if I just stuck around and waited for you and helped you tear it down, that would be enough. When you looked at me, I thought I could see the love in your eyes. I thought it was there, and you just weren't ready to acknowledge it. So I waited. And I allowed myself to hope._

_Apparently that was a mistake. It's been over three years, Kate, and if after all that time you still don't have any feelings for me beyond the platonic, then I'm pretty sure you never will. And I know now that no matter what I do, I'll never be enough for you. I never have been, but again, I allowed myself to hope that someday I could be._

_I don't usually like to say this because hate is a pretty strong word, but right now it's the most accurate thing I can come up with. Because I hate that my dreams for the future have been destroyed. I hate that I've spent three years trying to become someone worthy of your love only to find out that you never wanted me in the first place. And I hate that I've allowed myself to fall for your deceit. I pride myself on being able to read people, profile them in a way, but obviously I was completely wrong about you. I guess I was just so mesmerized by your drive and your fierceness and your beauty that I allowed myself to be swept under. Clearly, that was my first mistake._

_My second was allowing myself to fall so far in that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to climb out. That I'll ever be able to stop loving you._

_You know, it's crossed my mind before that you were not being completely truthful. I've suspected it a couple of times, especially because you could never look at me when you talked about that day, and because you were reacting in a way very similar to PTSD during that sniper case. It only made sense that you had at least some recollection of the events of that day. But I clung to the belief that you didn't remember and that I was just being paranoid. Because I trusted you._

_Now, I don't. Because if you could lie to me, keep a secret of that caliber, for so many months, what else are you hiding? I thought I knew you. Now, I have no idea who you are. I'm starting to wonder if the person I thought you were was just something I made up in my head. A character. Just like Nikki Heat._

_I was going to say it, you know. When we got interrupted, and I told you it could wait. I was going to tell you that I loved you and that I didn't want us to miss our chance. That tomorrow wasn't a guarantee, and I knew I would always regret it if I didn't tell you again...if you never knew. Turns out the joke was on me, because not only did you already know, but you proceeded to tear my heart out just a few hours later._

_I don't know what to do now, Kate. I've loved you for so long that I'm not even sure how to begin getting over you. I'm not even sure that I can, because no one that I meet will ever measure up to you, or at least to the person I thought you to be. But I'm going to try, because all I want is for you to be happy, and if you don't find that with me, then I won't stand in your way._

_My mother doesn't think I should keep coming to the precinct. I know she disagreed with my decision to go back after I found out that you lied. But I couldn't stay away because the truth is, this is the first thing I've ever done in my life where I truly feel like I'm making a difference. Those families needed that closure, and that was something I could help with. So I came back._

_I admit, it wasn't easy being around you and hiding the feelings that were threatening to spill out. I hurt, Kate. Everywhere. My chest physically aches at the fact that everything I thought was true is just a lie, a fantasy. I can hardly breathe when I think about never again holding your hand, hugging you, kissing you. Never having the chance to be what I've always thought we could be._

_You were it for me, Kate. I was going to wait until you were ready, because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, and you were worth the wait. Now, all I have is memories, the ghosts of your touch, your kiss. They're haunting me already and it's only been a day._

_But I'm your partner, and I told you 'always,' and even if that always is nothing like I imagined, I intend to stay true to my word._

_Maybe someday I'll be able to accept that we were never meant to be. That we're better off just being friends and partners. Maybe I'll be able to forgive you for keeping this from me, for not coming forward and just telling me instead of leading me on for ten months only to stab me in the heart with it. Maybe I'll even learn to trust you again, in some capacity._

_Until then, I'll just keep doing what I've always done; showing up, helping solve cases, and helping innocent families find the closure they deserve. At least I can feel like I'm succeeding in one aspect of my life._

_I shouldn't end this way, but I can't help myself._

_I love you._

_Rick_

As Kate read, she could feel the pain all over again, could feel herself back in the precinct watching, confused, as he slipped away without an explanation. She remembered the cold look in his eyes, the barely concealed rage and heartbreak. The snide comments that at the time seemed scathing and out of place and yet now made perfect sense.

In retrospect, she could see that he'd fully intended to hurt her. She could recall the sinking feeling in her stomach when he turned down her offer for drinks and left her alone with her confusion. The way that from that day on, things had spiraled out of control, to the point where Kate had absolutely no idea what was going on or what she'd done or how to even begin fixing any of it.

It was pathetic, really, that it had taken almost losing him for her to man up and actually have him. In the end, it'd all worked out, but she wished they could've found a more mature way to handle things.

"I still hate what I did to you," Kate said finally, voice laced with pain and regret.

"So do I," he admitted. "I understand your choice, but I just..."

"I know," she murmured. "I know. And I hate myself for lying and avoiding the subject and leading you to believe that I didn't care. I just - I never would have forgiven myself if I'd completely ruined things for us. I couldn't live with that."

"You made a mistake, Kate. I've made my fair share of them too. It's going to happen," Castle placated, realizing with a jolt that maybe this wasn't as horrible as he'd thought it was going to be.

Yes, it had hurt to read his own words, to relive the heartache. Yes, a few stray tendrils of pain still lingered. But on the other hand, it wouldn't do to keep beating themselves up over all of this. He knew why she did what she did, and now she knew his side of the story. Apologies had been offered and each had forgiven the other long ago. It was time to put it behind them, to move on.

"Yeah but..." she began, interrupting his musings.

"Kate, love," he cut in, determined to end this now before they both allowed themselves to spiral into a path of self-loathing. "It's in the past. We fixed it. You don't have to keep punishing yourself for it."

"But I almost..."

"Exactly," Castle said, silencing her with a finger on her lips. "Almost. It _almost_ happened. But it didn't. And we found our way, and I already forgave you, so there's no point in clinging to this and all of its surrounding what-if scenarios."

She nodded slowly as his words sank in, wrapping around her and offering comfort. Because he was right. It was in the past, just like everything else they'd fought their way through. It still hurt to see his pain spelled out so clearly, but it meant even more to her to know that he could feel this way and still have forgiven her so completely.

"Right," she answered firmly, lips brushing against his finger as he slid his hand around to cup her jaw.

"We're okay?" he asked, pressing his lips to hers softly.

She smiled against him, nodded. "We're okay, Castle."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	74. The Limey

_Author's Note: T__his chapter is probably not what you're expecting. But it seemed appropriate._

* * *

><p><strong>The Limey<strong>

After the emotional turmoil of the last letter, the parts of their past it dredged up, they mutually agreed to continue reading, to make their way through this whole string of letters in one night. The faster they could move on from these memories, the better.

"There's a big gap between letters here," Kate mused as she flipped to the next page in the journal and then back to the previous, comparing the dates at the top. Almost three weeks. They'd never gone three weeks between cases except over the summer. But these were dated in April.

"Oh, yeah. I...I skipped a case," Castle offered hesitantly, remembering how he'd sat down to write and simply stared at the page, waiting for the words to come. Except they never did. "I didn't…I didn't have anything to say. I was trying to get over you." He awkwardly stammered his way through the explanation, knowing that there was no easy way to say this, yet hoping to find the words that would make it just a little bit easier.

Still, Kate felt a stab of pain because he'd written to her after every other case they'd ever worked together, even if he was upset at her. Even if the words were harsh and hurt to read, he'd still transcribed them onto the page. But not this time.

Then again, sometimes a lack of words said more than any written words ever could.

"I was such an idiot," Kate murmured after a moment, shaking her head in shame.

"No. I was the idiot," Castle refuted, reaching out to take her left hand in his. "Thinking I could get over you. Even if I'd stopped shadowing you and dated other people and killed Nikki Heat and moved away, I don't think I ever would have completely succeeded. I loved you too much. Love you too much," he added.

Castle absently began to fiddle with the ring on her finger and Kate smiled tenderly. It was a habit he'd picked up recently that actually didn't annoy her as much as she'd initially thought it might. Maybe because every time he started doing it, she could tell that he was totally in awe of the fact that they were engaged, that they were getting married.

"I'll never get over you," he admitted, voice barely audible.

Her smile broadened and she squeezed his hand, trapping his fingers between hers. "You're sweet, Rick."

"Just being honest," he murmured. "I just want you to know that I may notice other women, but I don't want anyone else, ever. There's no competition, Kate."

She reached up with her free hand, wiped at her eyes. No. _No_. He had _not_ made her cry. But when he got in these sentimental moods, what else was she supposed to do?

Because it still amazed her every day that she, Kate Beckett the cop, was Castle's ideal woman. He could have blonde and gorgeous and easy and undamaged, just like he'd found during this whole ordeal. He could have someone who didn't risk her life every day. He could have someone who didn't make him wait four years for her to get her head on straight and realize she was madly in love with him.

But he wanted her. And he loved her just the way she was, broken at times, insecure and stubborn at others, yet always extraordinary in his eyes.

And for that, Kate was incredibly thankful.

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	75. Headhunters

_Author's Note: Consider this the calm(ish) before the storm._

* * *

><p><strong>Headhunters<strong>

"Are there more?"

Castle nodded. "One or two, yeah. I don't recall exactly."

Kate glanced back down to the page, needed only to skim the first line before understanding that this too was going to be a difficult one.

"Sure you want to keep going tonight?"

She nodded resolutely. "Yeah I just - I know reading these hard ones is good for us but I'd..." she trailed off.

"Rather not re-live it more than you have to?" he finished.

Kate smiled up at him, eyes reflecting the deep level of understanding between them. "Yeah."

He nodded. "Then let's keep going."

_Dear Kate,_

_I'm confused. You lied to me for months. You told a suspect that you remembered your shooting, yet you couldn't find it in yourself to be honest with me about it. I told you I loved you. And you couldn't even tell me you heard me. And for weeks now, the only explanation that made sense is that you don't feel the same and wanted to avoid hurting my feelings._

_(By the way, if that was your plan, it failed. Miserably.)_

_But then I found out today that you were still looking out for me. You looked into the case, had my back even when I was off shadowing someone else. And you risked your job for me._

_It doesn't add up, Kate. If you don't have feelings for me and don't really seem to have much regard for my feelings, then why would you risk your job? I know how much it means to you. So if you would risk it for me, does that really mean that you think I'm more important? I haven't gotten that vibe lately, but maybe I'm wrong. After all, I've been fairly preoccupied with being heartbroken. __Maybe I missed something._

_Did I?_

_I need to know, Kate, because I've tried everything and it's not working. I went to Vegas. I went on dates. I hung out with Slaughter. And despite it all, I still love you. I still want to be with you. Somewhere deep inside, some part of me is still clinging to that hope that we might someday have a chance, and it's so much a part of me that I'm willing to work through the pain and heartbreak if it means we could be together._

_It's killing me, wanting something so badly and having it stripped away only to then have another seed of hope planted in my mind by your actions today. So tell me - is this real, or is it just a scene I wrote in my head?_

_Because the truth is, I miss our partnership. I miss what we had. After working with Slaughter, I realized how lucky I was to have a partner like you. Someone who cares and looks out for me and doesn't shove me in way over my head. Someone who is respectful of others, of the job and the badge. Because Slaughter - maybe he gets the bad guys but he crosses a lot of lines to do so. And he has no respect for most people, especially women. The things he said about Alexis. And about you. They're not worth repeating, but let's just say that despite my anger at you, I still stood up for you against his words. Because no one, especially you, deserves to be spoken about like that._

_But there's more than that, Kate. It's not just our partnership that I don't want to lose. It's everything else, too. I'm afraid at the very thought of my life without you. I don't know what I'd do, how I'd manage, now that everything we had has crumbled to the ground in a tangled mess of deceit._

_Despite it all, I still want us to have a chance. I still don't want to give up on this, on you. But I also don't want to keep blindly clinging to threads of hope that are never going to lead anywhere._

_I want to keep fighting for this, Kate. For you. I want to move past the hurt and the anger, because loving you is worth whatever pain we might put each other through. But it's not going to work if this is a one way street. Both of us have to want this. Both of us have to be willing to work to put all of this behind us, to forgive and move on._

_For you, I'd do it._

_So I need to know. Are you in, or are you out? If I stick with this, will I be fighting for something that's never going to happen? Or do we still have a chance?_

_I need a promise, a guarantee. If you can give me that, then I'm here and I'm waiting and I'm ready to fight for us._

_You know I love you. You know I want to be with you. Now, it's your turn to tell me what you want._

_-Castle_

"It was always you," Kate whispered as she finished reading, the words so soft that Castle wasn't sure she intended him to hear.

"It was always you, Castle," she repeated, louder this time, as she lifted her head to seek out his gaze. "Even when I didn't want to admit it, you were always the one I wanted."

He smiled gently, the one that crinkled the corners of his eyes and was so full of adoration and love that it melted Kate's heart. Even after all this time, she still wasn't used to the ways he looked at her, how his eyes spoke so many words. She probably never would be.

"I know," he murmured. "And what you did during that case was what really made me reconsider my assumptions."

"I'm glad you did, Castle."

"Me too," he agreed quietly.

Because now - knowing what their lies had very nearly caused them to throw away - fighting through the deceit was clearly one of the best decisions they'd ever made. Because it'd led to this.

To them.

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	76. Undead Again

**Undead Again**

After a moment and a silent exchange of smiles and loaded gazes, Kate slid her eyes away from his, back down to the journal nestled between them on the bed. She slowly scanned the pages, noting that the dates on both were fairly close together. And from the first sentence of each entry, she could tell that these were a continuation of this painful segment of their history.

But from the date on the second letter, the very day she showed up at his doorstep, beaten and bruised and rain-soaked and apologetic...that meant that they'd almost made it through this.

And Kate had to admit, she was looking forward to seeing how his letters changed after they'd gotten together.

She forced herself to lift her eyes from the page and back to Castle's. He was gazing at her with a hint of apprehension and she reached out to cover his hand with her own on the bed.

"You doing okay?" she asked with concern.

He nodded, faintly at first but growing in conviction as he drew strength from her. "Yeah, yeah, fine."

"Okay," she murmured, not quite convinced but willing to allow it because she trusted him to talk it out when he was ready.

Instead of talking, though, Castle leaned in, seeking out her lips, and Kate wriggled from beneath his limbs, worked her body into a more seated position to meld their mouths together more firmly, deepening the kiss.

She wasn't after _that_, and she could tell that he wasn't either_._ Not right now at least, because they were still set on making it through these letters tonight. But she could tell he craved the physical affirmation of her words and she was more than willing to oblige.

Castle pressed himself up as well, curling his legs beneath him and taking the weight off his arms, freeing one hand to twist into her hair. Kate willingly followed the gentle pressure of his fingers on her scalp, body pliable and giving as they shared kiss after kiss, sweet and chaste yet deep and demanding all at the same time.

Only with Castle could a kiss ever hold so many conflicting emotions. Then again, they always had been a bit contradictory.

At long last they began to separate, touches becoming lighter and less urgent.

"Better?" Kate whispered against his lips.

He nodded, forehead lightly knocking against hers. "Much."

She smiled, stole one last kiss from his similarly upturned lips. "Good."

They separated fully then, adjusting their positions so they were seated half-facing each other, half-next to each other, legs curled in the middle and feet still under the covers. Kate picked up the journal, situated it on her lap at an angle they could both see.

Their eyes met and Castle offered a slight nod, the confirmation she sought, before both allowed their eyes to fall to the page.

_Dear Kate,_

_I think I owe you an apology. Actually, I think we owe each other apologies. But as I can't force you to do anything, I'll start with mine._

_I know that if I try to justify my recent actions to you, that doesn't count as an apology. Rather, it would only serve as me attempting to convince myself that the way I've behaved was acceptable, and that's not my intention. However, I'm going to spend a minute justifying myself anyway, because I need to get this out and because I think that you need to know my side of the situation. I know it won't excuse my actions, but as someone who craves the story, I firmly believe that a full explanation can offer some form of closure._

_So, well, here goes._

_I can tell you've been upset at me for a lot of things recently. You were annoyed with me for showing up with Jacinda, for bringing her around the precinct and the crime scene. For hanging out with Slaughter. But what else was I supposed to do? I thought you didn't want me. I thought that in your mind, we were just partners, nothing more. That's what I thought you wanted, so that's what I gave you. It killed me to step back like that because I thought we were it, Kate. I've thought that for months now. I know that you're the one. I was so disillusioned about love until I met you, fell in love with you. You're the one who made me believe again._

_But what happens when the one person who made you believe is the one person you lose?_

_That's how I felt when I heard your confession, because in that moment, I felt everything I thought I knew crumble beneath me and I was left with nothing to hold onto, nothing to believe in. __And that was where she came in. She wasn't you, Kate. She never could have been. No one will ever measure up to you. You're irreplaceable. What you and I have is irreplaceable._

_But that's precisely the problem. Something so irreplaceable...I didn't even know how to begin moving on from it. I don't think there's a way. But I promised I'd try; it wasn't fair to myself to endure heartbreak day after day because I was so desperately in love with someone who would never return my feelings._

_So I flew to Vegas, had a whirlwind weekend of fun in an attempt to forget. I met Jacinda, and she was everything you weren't and I thought that maybe if I had someone who didn't remind me of you, I'd be able to start moving on._

_Except the joke was on me because everything reminded me of you. When she kissed me, all I could think about was how her lips weren't soft enough, that little sound she made in the back of her throat wasn't sexy enough. Her smile wasn't as beautiful and her eyes not as deep and expressive. I could go on, but I think you get the point._

_She wasn't you._

"I, ummm..." Kate interrupted hesitantly, raising timid eyes to Castle's. "I don't want to ask, but I have to because not knowing has always bothered me."

"Okay," he prompted.

"Did you...sleep with her?" she questioned, words falling out in a rush, and her fear of his answer was written clearly in her eyes.

Oh.

Castle deflated, dropped his gaze, and that was really the only answer Kate needed.

She nodded to herself, let her eyes fall to the page as her index finger traced the outline of the woman's name inked on the page. "I'm guessing that's a yes."

He released a long, slow breath, raised both hands to his face as though wiping away the shame and regret. It was a tense moment before he lifted his head again to seek out her gaze. The look in her eyes now was different and difficult to pinpoint; betrayal laced with pain and yet a hint of understanding because while he was certainly guilty of making a string of bad decisions based on a faulty assumption, Kate had long since accepted that she wasn't innocent in all of this either.

"I wish I could say no," Castle answered slowly, resolutely. "Because it's always made me feel like I cheated on you somehow. We ummm...sort of. And I've hated myself for it ever since."

"Sort of?"

"We...we made it to her bed," he stammered, remembering with a stab of regret the tangled mess of clothes and sheets and almost naked bodies that ended in an awkward and uncomfortable disaster of a conversation. "But we didn't actually...you know..."

"Oh."

Castle swallowed hard. "Yeah."

Kate closed her eyes, forced back the onslaught of feelings and images. She had always suspected that there was more than just lunch dates that'd happened between them, And though she'd always assumed nothing happened for her own peace of mind, it wasn't difficult to believe an alternative scenario to be true. He was a man - a heartbroken man, at the time - and Jacinda was an attractive woman. And if that was his coping mechanism, if that was what it had taken to help him through this difficult time, then she couldn't hold that against him.

Likewise, Kate had always debated whether it would be better to know the truth or to never know for sure, and while her mother had always said that the truth never hurt anyone, the pain in Kate's chest said otherwise. But it was out there now, and she was the one who'd asked, so she couldn't exactly blame him.

"I'm sorry," he murmured, resting a hand on her knee, thumb tracing patterns over her bare skin. "I was hurting and it was the only thing I could think to do. I know that doesn't make it right but..."

"Castle," she interrupted quietly, solemnly, forcing her voice to remain steady. "It's okay."

"It's not," he fought back with a shake of his head. "Because I can tell that you're not okay right now."

"But you weren't okay then," she pressed, and suddenly he wasn't sure who was trying to defend whom here.

"No, but..."

"And if I'd been honest with you in the first place, none of this would have ever happened."

"Kate," he said firmly, the hand on her knee gripping more tightly. "Please don't blame yourself for this."

"But I lied."

"You did," he agreed. "But that in no way makes you responsible for my decisions. That was all on me, and in retrospect, I obviously chose the wrong course of action."

Kate collapsed forward, her forehead coming to rest on Castle's chest. Her hands still clutched the journal in her lap while his free arm rose to cradle her head.

"I shouldn't have asked," she released on a sigh.

"Maybe not," he agreed. "But you're entitled to know the truth about things that impact you."

She shook her head against his chest, the fabric of his shirt bunching up against her hairline. "I know, I just..."

"Yeah..."

Silence fell for an extended moment, both lost in their thoughts, Castle hoping that this knowledge wouldn't damage the trust and respect that he and Kate had so carefully built, while Kate was struggling to come to grips with this reality. He didn't _actually_ sleep with her, which was better than she'd expected, if she was completely honest with herself. But he wanted to...he almost did...and she couldn't help but feel somewhat betrayed.

After a couple minutes, Castle spoke tentatively. "Does it help to know that was why I stopped seeing her?"

Kate raised her head, hair falling to frame her face, a few strands caught in the tracks of the tears that had escaped. "What?"

"It was all wrong," Castle admitted. "We were...you don't need the details. But the whole time, all I could think about was that she wasn't you and that I couldn't do this to you no matter how angry I was. So I...told her to stop and I broke it off. It wasn't fair to her or me or you. And maybe that makes me a horrible person for essentially using her to get over you, but..."

"I get it," Kate interrupted abruptly. She wasn't excusing his behavior, not by a long shot. But she could see in his eyes that he still firmly believed he'd cheated on her, and more than anything, she wanted that guilt gone.

"You do?" he asked, shocked.

She nodded. "It's not how I would have handled it if I was in your place. And it...kind of makes me sick to know that you...whatevered...with her." She paused, took a deep breath. "But we weren't dating, Castle. I wasn't exactly forthcoming about my feelings for you, so please stop beating yourself up because you think you cheated on me."

"But I did," he protested, and the stricken expression on his face broke Kate's heart. "I promised to wait for you and I didn't."

She shrugged, aiming for unaffected but failing miserably. "You didn't think there was anything worth waiting for."

His hand came to cup her jaw, force her gaze to lock with his, deep blue and serious. "I've always thought you were worth waiting for, Kate."

"Castle," she murmured, another tear escaping from the corner of her eye. He thumbed it away, guided her in so that their foreheads rested together.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, warm breath playing across her lips.

"I am too," she replied.

"Come on," Castle said after a moment. "Let's finish reading and then we can get some sleep."

She lifted her forehead from his, nodded in agreement. "Okay."

_Long story short, I'm sorry for the way I've behaved these last few weeks. For jumping to conclusions rather than simply confronting you. For hurting you. And for being an awful partner, for all but giving up on my promise to always be there for you._

_I've made some poor decisions these last few weeks and I sincerely hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me._

_However, I will not apologize for being hurt by your deception. I deserved to know. I understand that you were struggling, that you'd been through a lot. But as your partner and given our situations, you should have told me the truth a long time ago. Even if it meant asking me to wait until you were ready, you should have told me. Because Kate...you should know by now that I'd wait forever if I had to._

_I have no idea what happens now. I know we talked things out in our own subtextual way. But I still don't know exactly where we stand with each other. Are we back to where we were before? Are we closer to the start of something new? The fact that you've been seeing a therapist gives me hope that you're moving forward. That we're moving forward. __I was planning on making this my last case with you, but now that we seem to be on better footing, I'm scrapping that idea. You said flat out that you want me there when your wall comes down. So there is where I'll be, so long as we can forgive each other and work through this mess._

_I guess in the meantime, I'll just have to keep showing up, just like I've done for the last four years, and hopefully we can work everything out from there._

_Because despite everything that's happened recently, I still love you, Kate. So much._

_-Rick_

"I ummm..." Castle began stiltedly, completely unsure of what to say.

"This is, ummm..."

"Awkward?" he suggested.

"Pretty much," she agreed. "But...apology accepted. And I know I've said it before but...I'm sorry too, Castle."

"I know," he iterated, reaching out to cup her jaw with one hand. "I know you are."

"So, ummm..." he gestured to the journal with his free hand. "Last one and then we can forget all of this ever happened?"

Kate exhaled a breathy laugh. They'd never be able to forget, not completely. But they could certainly send the memories to the back of their minds, along with all the other painful snippets they'd rehashed since the discovery of the journal.

"Sounds good."

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: You guys probably hate me a little bit right now. Don't worry. I hate myself a little bit too. <em>_Feel free to come after me with pitchforks now. Just don't hurt me so badly that I can't write the next chapter.__  
><em>

_(And thanks to everyone who tossed around ideas and suggestions with me on Tumblr and Twitter.)_


	77. Always

_Author's Note: Andy says I should put a kleenex warning here so...consider yourself warned._

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><p><strong>Always<strong>

After what could only be considered an awkward pause in the conversation, Castle eventually dropped his eyes back down to the journal that rested on Kate's knees. Truthfully, there was nothing else to be said about the Jacinda affair, and certainly nothing that would improve the current situation. No, right now the best they could do was to move on and put it out of their minds.

And, well, he knew with absolute certainty that the words on the next page would put it out of their minds. Because he knew them by heart. Every single one of them.

It may have been over two years ago now, but he'd never forget the day he wrote what he thought would be his last letter to Kate. His final goodbye. He was seated in his office, dark but for the light of the lamp on his desk. His hand was shaky as he scrawled line after line of his broken heart across the page, purging himself of every thought, every emotion, every feeling, that he'd ever had for Kate.

Writing her out of his life, once and for all.

And he'd never spoken of it to anyone, probably never would, but there'd been tears in his eyes the entire time.

The mere recollection of that day now was very nearly causing him to tear up again, as much for the lingering heartbreak as for the fear of what reading these paragraphs was going to do to her.

He subconsciously tightened his grip on her knee, hoping that somehow she'd find strength from that connection.

Kate automatically reached out to cover his hand with her own before allowing her gaze to fall back to the page as well.

_Dear Kate,_

_I hate myself right now. I hate that I walked away from you, broke my promises to you. I hate that we came so close only to fall apart completely. But I had to take a stand somewhere, and this was it. I won't watch you die, Kate. I can't. I already went through that once and I refuse to do so again. I wouldn't survive it either._

_You know, all I've ever wanted is for you to be happy, and we were getting so close. So close, Kate. I just wanted you to have the life you deserve, free of murder and sadness and walls. I wanted you to be able to smile and laugh and love. I wanted to be able to love you and not have it be a secret._

_Because I do. I love you so much, Kate. So much. I would risk my life for yours in a heartbeat, because up until this afternoon I honestly believed that I'd spend the rest of my life with you, and even though I'm trying to convince myself otherwise, it will be a long time before I truly stop believing that. I'd do almost anything for you, anything to see you smile. But not this. I will not watch you throw your life away._

_And even though I was the one who chose to walk away today, to sever our partnership, it will break my heart the day I read your name in the newspaper under the Obituaries section. A part of me will die with you that day, Kate. But I won't stand by and watch it happen._

_I love you so much. Please don't ever doubt that. But at some point I have to stop trying to save you and save myself instead. If you're willing to let me be your anchor to dry land, to life and happiness, you know where to find me. But I refuse to be pulled beneath the surface. And frankly, if you cared for me at all you wouldn't want me to be there either. And my words this afternoon would have meant something to you._

_I've been your partner for four years, Kate. Aside from my family, you're the most important person in my life. The time I spent with you holds some of my most treasured memories. And I don't know what else I could have said to make you see that, to make you understand how much you mean to me. I guess I proved this afternoon that there wasn't anything I could have said or done._

_I've always been of the mindset that when it's real, love conquers all. But I suppose that after today, I can no longer claim to believe such things. Because this time, it just wasn't enough._

_It breaks my heart to say this, but I guess this is the last letter I'll ever write to you. I have no idea what's going to happen now. I don't know what I'm going to do with Nikki Heat, or if I'll even be able to finish the book. I don't know how I'm going to move on, how I'll ever be happy again. I don't know if I'll ever find love again, and I'm almost positive I'll never find what we had. How could I, when so much of my heart is twined with yours? I'm in so deep that I'm not sure I'll ever truly not be in love with you. God, Kate, I just...I feel so lost and empty now, I don't even know how to begin moving on._

_If by some turn of events you read this letter someday, I want you to know that I'm truly sorry that it's come to this. I want you know that I've learned so much from you about what it means to stand up for what you believe in, what it means to have unwavering strength and integrity. I've learned the meaning of teamwork and support and trust. I've learned what it truly means to make a difference, and I've gained an enormous amount of respect for you and your profession._

_I want you to know that I love you more than I've ever loved anyone, Kate. You've changed me, made me a better person. And even though this is the end of this chapter of my life and it's time for me to move on, the footprints you've left on my heart and soul will always be with me, guiding me through whatever lies ahead._

_I love you, Kate._

_Always,_

_Rick_

Her eyes were blurry by the time she reached the end of the page, tears rolling down her cheeks. Not a sound escaped her mouth, but Castle could see that it was taking all of her control to not let it overwhelm her completely.

"God, Castle," she choked out after almost a minute, her heart torn in two by the pain expressed by his words, by the reality of everything he'd endured.

He felt a few tears prick the edges of his own eyes, silently reached out and wrapped his arms around her. Kate bowed into him easily, unfolding her legs and allowing her body to fall in line with his as he guided them back into the pillows. The journal fell from her hands, freeing them to slide up his chest, wind around his neck and cling to him tightly.

It shouldn't hurt this badly; it really shouldn't. Because it was over, and they'd moved past it, or so she thought. Kate assumed that the letter from after the bombing case would be the most difficult one to read, and after the debacle with speaking about Jacinda, she was positive that the worst was over.

Apparently she was mistaken, because his words just now had somehow managed to drive home just how badly she'd hurt him in a way that the other journal entries hadn't. The fact that he'd thought it was the last letter he'd ever write to her; the mere consideration of that possibility filled her heart with an emptiness that Kate couldn't describe.

And the stark reality that she very nearly died and this is how she would have left things had Ryan shown up even a split second later...Kate couldn't even begin to fathom how Castle would have felt. Because he would have spent the rest of his life never knowing how much he meant to her. Never knowing how much she loved him. Knowing in his mind but never having the chance to confirm that together, they could be something so amazing.

"I love you, Castle," Kate sobbed into his chest, beyond caring about the flood of tears streaming from her eyes. "I love you so much."

"I know," he placated, soft words in her ear. "I know, Kate."

"I just don't ever want you to doubt that again," she pleaded, and it broke Castle's heart to see how deeply this was hurting her.

"I don't," he assured her, one hand rising to cup the back of her head, hold her to him. "I won't."

"Okay," she managed, voice muffled by his shirt.

"We're getting married, Kate," Castle reminded her after a moment of silence, guiding her to thoughts of happier times. "We're going to spend the rest of our lives loving each other."

Kate lifted her head from his chest, watery eyes seeking his. She slipped one hand from behind his head, brought it forward to settle on his jaw. "Castle, I..." she trailed off, unsure of how to lend voice to her thoughts.

Because how could she ever possibly describe how much his words meant to her, the way they affected her so deeply? His letter had reduced her to tears. His words just now brought a smile to her face, despite the fact that her eyes were still red-rimmed and glossy.

"How do you always know what to say?" she asked finally, thumb tracing soft patterns on his cheek.

He smiled, leaned into her touch. "Because I know you, Kate. And because I love you more than you'll ever know."

Everything else melted away then, the sadness, the heartache, all of the lingering emotions that tonight's string of letters had dredged up. She guided him forward, leaned in to press their lips together, apology and gratitude and pure love.

"Thank you," she breathed as they separated ever so slightly, a fraction of an inch between them.

"For what?" he asked, tilting his head back so he could meet her eyes.

"For loving me."

Castle smiled fondly, eyes sparkling with his own sentiment of gratitude.

"Thank you for letting me."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	78. After The Storm

_Author's Note: Can I just say that I can't believe we've made it to season 5? It's always seemed so very far away and yet, 78 chapters later, here we are! So thank you to all of you for sticking with me through the journey! You guys are amazing :)_

* * *

><p><strong>After The Storm<strong>

She wasn't going to lie; it had been a rough night after reading such a painful string of letters, reliving a part of their past that both of them had spent the last two years attempting to suppress.

Knowing helped. It did. Or, at least, it would. Of that, Kate was certain. Knowing the truth always helped in the end. But the initial shock that came with finding out always had a tendency to overshadow any feelings of clarity that might otherwise result.

In a few days, though, she knew they'd both be okay.

It was the in-the-meantime that was worrying her.

The clock on the bedside table read 4:07 a.m., well before she needed to be up and going about her day. In fact, she should be curled up with Castle, fast asleep, with his arms wrapped tightly around her and his breath fanning gently across her skin.

Instead, she was wide awake, alone in their bed, being taunted by the bright red numbers against the darkness of the room.

She'd drifted into consciousness just a couple of minutes ago, wakened she supposed by the lack of a warm body behind her, sensing his absence even in sleep.

Kate sighed heavily, forced herself out from beneath the pile of covers and into an upright position. Her toes hit the floor and she retracted them immediately, curling them against the cold wood. With another sigh, she braced herself against it, stood and crossed to the closet, sliding her feet into a pair of slippers. Her night shirt fell midway down her thighs, the fabric brushing the skin as she walked, and she folded her arms over her chest to stave off the temperature. It was not that cold, really. It was only September after all. But being awake unexpectedly in the middle of the night was not conducive to having an appropriately warm body temperature.

She found him in the study, seated at his desk with their journal. At first, she thought that maybe he was reading, but upon closer inspection, she could hear the faint strokes of a pen on paper.

She approached quietly so as not to alarm him, rested a hand on his shoulder. "Hey."

He startled only slightly, a jerk of his hand, before relaxing at her touch. "Hey."

"Couldn't sleep?"

Castle shook his head. "Didn't mean to wake you."

She shrugged. "You didn't. I just...missed you."

"Hmmm."

She lifted her hand from his shoulder, gently carded her fingers through his hair. "You okay?"

He nodded half-heartedly.

"Castle."

He sighed, set aside the pen and closed the journal. "I just...my brain wouldn't stop working. What-ifs and regrets, you know?"

She did know. It was the exact thoughts that had been flying through her mind as she woke, the same ones that had plagued her until she finally managed to fall asleep last night.

Her fingers trailed down, grazing the shell of his ear, pressing lightly against the skin of his neck, before sliding around to his collarbone. She wrapped her other arm around him from behind as well, leaned down and nuzzled her cheek against his.

"Castle," she murmured, her warm exhale caressing his skin.

She felt him react to her touch, tilted her head to press her lips to his cheek. "Come back to bed."

He shook his head against her. "Can't sleep."

"Then come keep me company," she suggested in a low voice.

She watched at her words registered, disengaged her arms and stepped back to allow him to stand. He got to his feet, followed her through the office back to their room. Kate turned as he stepped up to the bed, gently untied the bathrobe he had donned, slipped it off his shoulders and allowed it to land in a heap by his feet. He caught her around the waist before she could climb into bed, wrapped her in his embrace and breathed her in, allowing her scent, her presence, her warmth, to wash over him.

"Bed, Castle," she murmured after a minute, deftly slipping from his arms and turning to rearrange the covers before crawling in, holding the blankets up in silent invitation. He slid in after her, settling on his back, eyes fixed on the ceiling.

"Castle." No response. "Rick." When he offered no acknowledgement, she placed a hand on his cheek, forced him to turn his head and meet her eyes. "Castle, don't do this," she urged. "I know what it's like to drown in the what-ifs. Believe me. It does no good to dwell on it."

He blinked, was slow to open his eyes again. "I know," he spoke eventually, voice heavy with a sigh. "I just...I repressed all of that for so long, and I thought I was over it, you know. But I guess not."

"It's always going to be there," she murmured. "Whether you like it or not, it's always going to be there. But if I've learned one thing from my shooting, from therapy, and from you, it's to not let the past dictate your future."

"Kate..."

"No, just listen, please," she interrupted. "Castle, I lost thirteen years of my life by wrapping myself up in my mother's case and blocking everyone else out. I lost the opportunity to meet new people, to be happy, to fall in love, all because I was unwilling to let go of my past. It's still there and it still hurts. It always will. But allowing myself to put it behind me and be with _you_...that's the single best decision I've ever made."

That caught his attention enough to bring his eyes up to hers, and despite the darkness, he could see the clarity there, how absolutely she believed in the words she'd just spoken.

He nodded slowly, averted his eyes again but rolled onto his side to face her. Kate too rolled over, reached out for the notebook that she knew was resting on the nightstand, switching on the lamp with her other hand. When she settled back into bed, propped up on her elbows, Castle was curled on his side, eyes open, lighter but still troubled.

She flipped open the book, settled it in front of them. "Come on," she murmured, drawing his eyes to the page, dated just days after she appeared at his door soaking wet and ready to leave the behind the case that had haunted her for years. "Happier memories this time."

It took a long moment but he eventually relented, tipped his head for a better view. She wrapped one of her hands around his, strength and comfort, as they fell back into their story.

_Dear Kate,_

_I'm...overwhelmed. Confused. At a loss for words. And somehow, none of those statements adequately describe how I feel right now. Everything is elevated. It has been since you showed up at my door four days ago and kissed me. And I'm pretty sure I still haven't come to grips with everything._

_It's a strange feeling, to spend so many years wanting something and then finally having it. And it's even stranger in this case because often times it's the wanting that's the best part and the having that turns out to be rather mediocre. But with you it's the other way around. In just four days you've put my fantasies and dreams of you, of us, to shame. Everything I ever conjured up in the depths of my subconscious is nothing compared to the feeling of touching your skin, kissing your lips, waking with you in my arms._

_Feeling and watching as you fall apart around me._

_I still can't even believe all of this is real. I'm just stunned every time you kiss me or hug me or even just when you smile at me, that gorgeous lifting of your lips that only I get to see._

_You're so amazing, Kate, and I have a feeling I've only just scratched the surface. I can already tell that you have a whole lot more tricks up your sleeve, especially when it comes to teasing me (not that I'm complaining, really. You can grope me in the elevator whenever you want. Or, you know, anywhere else you want to as well.). And I'm also realizing that the true depths of your heart offer so much more for me to uncover and explore and love. It's like you've unveiled this entirely new side of yourself and while I will always love you as a badass detective, I'm completely smitten with this playful and happy and carefree version of you as well._

_I know this is turning into another one of my sappy love letters to you but I can't help myself because I've never felt like this before. I've never been so completely in love with someone._

_But on the other end of the spectrum, my feelings in the more difficult situations are magnified as well. It's always pained me to know that there are some burdens that I can never truly lift from your shoulders. Sometimes the best I can do is just be there and I know that you've said that it helps but in my mind it never feels like enough. Like last night, when everything seemed so hopeless. I held you in my arms, and I hope that it helped you, but at the same time, it crushed me to know that you live with this constant fear and there was nothing I could do to change that. And very little I could do to protect you._

_I've always known that your life is by nature in danger every single day simply because you're a cop. Hell, I've lived through that reality once, and it was the worst experience of my life, bar none. But now that we're together, now that I know what it feels like to be with you, I'm finding that I'm a whole new level of terrified because I know that I could never live without you. Not now. So when reality came crashing down on us in the form of the threat that was hanging over your head, the fear was almost paralyzing. It sucked the air from my lungs, made me want to envelop you in my arms and never let you go. I wanted to protect you from the world, even though I know that's not possible. And even if it was, you'd never let me._

_The moment I woke alone in your bed with no idea where you'd gone completely knocked the wind out of me because I thought they might have gotten to you. I was so panicked because I thought that I was never going to see you again and all I could think about was that I didn't have the chance to tell you one more time how much I love you._

_And then, the sense of relief I felt when I saw you again, alive and unharmed, was so all encompassing. And yet, it was almost completely buried by the sight of the gun in your hand. I know you're not a killer, Kate, but I also know what this case has done to you in the past and I was terrified that it had sucked you in again while I lay asleep in your bed, completely unawares. I feel awful for even thinking such a thing, for trusting you so little, but like I said, I'm still coming to grips with everything and I just wasn't thinking straight._

_I don't know what kind of understanding you and Bracken reached, and I trust that you'll tell me in good time. But whatever it is, I want you to know that I'm so proud of you for the way that you handled things. I know it can't have been easy for you to have the answer right at your fingertips only to watch him slip away due to lack of hard evidence. Hell, I completely understand the desire to just put a bullet through his skull. He's ruined so many lives, he doesn't deserve to live to see another day._

_He will, though, for now. But we will get him, I promise you that. We will find the evidence and take him down. We will find justice, for you and your mom, because I can't think of anyone who deserves it more. And we'll do it together, you and me._

_So thank you, Kate. For showing up at my doorstep and fighting for me to take you back. For everything you've done to tear down your wall so that we could be together. For believing in me through this whole ordeal even when I was completely grasping at straws. For taking the high road so that you and I can finally have our chance to live and love and just...be._

_Oh, yeah, and also for not killing me for hiding you in my closet (because you're right, it wasn't my best moment ever)._

_Speaking of which, I never actually got to properly make it up to you. Maybe I should text you and tell you not to bother to pick up take-out on your way over to the loft in a few minutes. I'm pretty sure it's going to get cold before we get around to eating it._

_See you soon, Kate._

_Love,_

_Rick_

By the time they finished the letter, Kate was grinning like a fool and she could see a smile attempting to split the edges of Castle's mouth as well, lips twitching as he determinedly fought against it.

"Sappy love letter, huh?" she asked, eyebrow raised. Granted, not all of it had been sappy, but for now she was focusing on the happy 'I'm so in love with you' parts.

The smile broke free then, spreading across his face as he lifted his eyes to hers. The pure happiness was radiating from her, contagious, and he felt it wash through him, bolster his spirits and push the regrets from his mind.

"What can I say?" he shrugged. "It's what you do to me."

She lifted a hand, ran the pads of her fingers across the rough stubble on his cheek. No words left her mouth but none were necessary. Her eyes had always spoken more deeply than anything else. In his words was where the truth could always be uncovered.

And right then, in the semi-darkness of their bedroom in the wee hours of the morning, that was all that was needed.

* * *

><p><em>1. Thoughts?<em>

_2. Anything you'd like to see in the upcoming chapters?_


	79. Suspension

_Author's Note: So obviously this isn't the title of an episode. But a lot of people asked to see something from during her suspension so...this one's for all of you!_

* * *

><p><strong>Suspension<strong>

They fell asleep with smiles on their faces, woke in a similar fashion. Kate was on her stomach with Castle half on top of her, his arm and leg thrown possessively over her. Her head was turned away from him but she could feel his breath on the back of her neck, the soft exhales sending waves of heat feathering through her veins.

The clock on the nightstand read just before seven a.m., meaning the alarm would be going off any minute now. She sighed, relaxed back into the sheets, into her fiancé, to enjoy the last precious minutes before having to face the day.

God, it'd been a month now and she still felt a ripple of giddiness every time the word 'fiancé' crossed her mind.

Carefully she turned her head, found herself face to face with Castle, and before she could stop herself, she was pressing her lips to his, soft and sweet. He didn't stir at first but as she pulled away and settled her head back on the pillow next to his, she felt his arm twitch, heard him sigh contentedly. Gradually, his hand made its way up her arm, up to her shoulder, her neck, the back of her head. She lifted her eyes to find Castle blinking his open against the early morning light, slowly coming to focus on her. He smiled, the affection in his features so unrestrained in the sleepiness that still hung over him.

But he guided her in then, kissed her gently, and he was certainly awake enough to take her breath away despite the chasteness of the gesture.

"Morning," she murmured against his lips.

He kissed her again, pulled back only slightly. "Mmmm, good morning."

The alarm sounded just then, causing them to jerk apart in surprise, breaking the mood. Kate groaned, reached behind her to smack the snooze button, managing to not only silence the alarm but to send something else clattering to the floor as she did so.

With a sigh she rolled over, bent down over the edge of the bed to retrieve the fallen object. Their journal, apparently. She vaguely remembered tossing it aside after reading the letter in the middle of the night, determined to lure Castle back into slumber before he had a chance to turn his thoughts back into the reason he'd been awake in the first place. Apparently it had worked because he'd fallen asleep quickly and hadn't woken again.

Castle too leaned over to see what it was, tugged her back into his arms before she had a chance to set the journal on the nightstand.

"Castle," she protested, but he pulled harder, determined.

"Let's read."

She looked pointedly at the clock. "We have to get ready for work."

"We can spare a few minutes."

"Castle..."

"Please?" he asked, gently turning her in his arms, and from the plea in his voice it occurred to her that maybe he was still upset, still wrapped up by the lingering thoughts that had woken him in the middle of the night.

"Are you still...?"

"No," he interrupted with a shake of his head, putting an end to that hypothesis. "I'm okay now. But I just...please?"

Kate searched his eyes, finding no hints of the haunted look from earlier this morning, the emptiness now replaced with eagerness. Which meant that he knew what was written in the next letter and he wanted her to read it and...ah, hell, she could spare a few minutes.

"Okay."

He snagged the journal from her with one hand, guided her even closer with the other, and she was now half sprawled over his side and not really in a good position to read, but he seemed not to mind. And after last night, after his words had broken both of their hearts, she was willing to indulge him if it would help put them back together a little more.

Castle grinned enthusiastically, laid the journal on the pillow and flipped sloppily to the correct page. Kate shook her head. He was so ungraceful when he was excited. And it was adorable.

"What?" he asked, eyeing her suspiciously.

She shook her head again, hid her smile by dropping her eyes to the page. "Nothing. Read."

_Dear Kate,_

_I'm...speechless. At a loss for words. (I think I said that last time I wrote to you but apparently you've still managed to render me an incoherent, babbling mess). I just...I don't even know what to say, because I don't think there are any words to describe these last two weeks and how incredibly happy I've been. It's just...unlike anything else I've ever experienced._

_It's been a couple of weeks since I've written to you and honestly, up until today I'd been having too much fun to even think about this journal. But now that you're back at your place for tonight, I realized that I miss writing to you._

_And I just plain miss you. I know, I know, I just saw you six hours ago. I've seen you every day for the last two weeks. And you've been naked a lot, which is just an added bonus because, God, Kate, you're so gorgeous. Everything about you. Even your scars, which I know you're still a bit self-conscious about. But they're a part of you and they tell the story of how you survived and fought to win your life back. And that is such a beautiful thing._

_I suppose I could just tell you all of these things now that we're together, but since my words were what brought us together in the first place, it only seems right that I continue to write to you. Besides, if you somehow read these letters someday, well, it can't hurt to be told more than once all the reasons that I love you, right?_

_Then again, I could fill an entire book with that list and I have a feeling that it's only going to grow as the days pass. Because it's been two weeks and I already love you more than I ever thought possible. And every day, you give me a reason to fall even harder._

_Like the way your eyes sparkle when you're happy and the way you have a special smile that only I get to see. And the way you look when you sleep, so peaceful and gentle. And the way you cling to me at night and the way I wake with you in my arms or with your head on my chest or your body wrapped up in mine._

_And, of course, let's not forget the way that you kiss me like you can't get enough, the way you gasp and moan and breathe my name against my skin. The way you look when you're writhing beneath me, the way you feel when you fall apart around me. You're beautiful all the time but watching you lose control is the most amazing thing I've ever witnessed._

_And you're insatiable. Well, okay, so maybe we both are. I have to admit, I thought I'd be the one jumping you in your kitchen or against my bathroom counter or on my desk. Apparently I was wrong; of the two of us, you're clearly the more...adventurous. And eager. And tireless. You always made teasing comments about it but I was never sure exactly how many of them were true and how many were just because you liked messing with me._

_Turns out they were both._

_Not to mention the fact that I think you've completely worn me out. Maybe it's for the best that we're not together tonight, because - and I never thought I'd be saying this - I think I need a break. But at the same time, I don't want to go to bed without you. Two weeks, and I'm already addicted to the feeling of having you next to me, waking with you each morning. It's well after midnight now and I'm exhausted but I'm putting off going to bed because you're not here. And when I wake up in the morning, I'll be alone._

_Two weeks, Kate, and I already can't sleep without you. Two weeks, and I've fallen so much harder than I already had before you showed up at my door._

_But that's okay, because I know that this is it for me. My heart will always belong to you._

_I know you're not ready to hear any of this yet, but it's true._

_I love you, Kate._

_-Rick_

By the time she finished the letter, Kate could see why he'd wanted her to read it. Because she was smiling like an idiot and her heart was overflowing with happiness and love and, God, _this man._

"Castle," she murmured, lifting her lips to his.

"Hmmm?" he asked as they separated.

She shook her head, at a loss for words. "I still feel that way," she admitted.

"What way?"

Kate indicated the page. "Giddy. So happy. Insatiable, as you called me." He chuckled. "And I just...it's been more than _two years._"

"So?"

"So I didn't know it could be like this."

He smiled, kissed her again. "Neither did I."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	80. Cloudy With A Chance Of Murder

_Author's Note: Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs is one of the most adorable movies ever. If you haven't seen it, you should go watch it. After you read this chapter, of course :)_

* * *

><p><strong>Cloudy With A Chance Of Murder<strong>

"Reading?"

Kate jerked in surprise, turned her head to see Castle in the door frame, silhouetted by the light in the bathroom behind him.

She shrugged, nodded. "Figured we could. It's been a while."

It had, really. Between back to back cases, Castle's publishing meetings (Gina was already demanding an outline of the seventh Nikki Heat novel), and, well, life, it had been a busy three weeks. And Kate missed reading the notebook, missed the intimacy they always found with each other in the aftermath, whether it be mind-blowing sex or deep, meaningful conversations.

Castle switched off the light, crossed to the bed and slid beneath the covers next to her. She tilted her head up, smiled into their kiss as he pressed his lips to hers.

They lingered, unwilling to break the moment, before Castle finally pulled away. "So...journal?" he asked softly.

She stole one more kiss from him before answering. "Sure."

_Dear Kate,_

_It's been a while since I've written to you. Over a month now. What can I say? I've been otherwise occupied. It's very distracting having a gorgeous naked woman in my presence._

_But you go back to work tomorrow, and it made me realize how much I've missed working cases with you, coming home afterwards and writing to you. Of course, now I'll get to actually come home _with _you, which is even better!_

_(But don't worry, I'm still going to write.)_

_I don't really have a lot to say right now, because despite the fact that it's been a while, I've told you most of the things I want to say. Like how I'm a little nervous for tomorrow because I don't want your case to somehow come crashing down over us again. How you're a bit nervous as well. And how I'm going to have trouble not jumping you in the break room or dragging you into a supply closet mid-day to have my wicked way with you._

_(Then again, I think you already know that. I also think that I won't be the only one who has trouble restraining themselves.)_

_Either way, I hope that everything goes well for you tomorrow. And in the meantime, well, I can think of plenty of ways to keep our minds off of it._

_See you in a few, Kate._

_Love,_

_Rick_

"I can't believe you skipped a month and a half," Kate voiced, lifting her eyes back to the top of the page.

"Well, like I said, I was otherwise engaged."

"Oh yeah?" she asked, eyebrow raised. "Doing what?"

"You know...spending my days in bed with this gorgeous naked woman who's now my fiancée."

Kate smiled, eyes dropping to the ring and then lifting back to his. "That was a fun two months," she reminisced.

"Every month with you has been fun," Castle countered, sappiness mixed with honesty.

"Well yeah, but you know what I mean."

He did. He most certainly did. They'd had had their ups and downs, just like any couple. There had been rocky moments, especially at the beginning when they...oh. Right.

Castle reached out to turn the page, needed only to skim the next letter to realize that it was indeed the one about the bikini news reporter debacle.

Not one of his better moments.

"What?" Kate asked, taking in his furrowed brow.

He nodded to the book. "Just remembering what came next."

"Why? Was it bad?"

"Well, it wasn't great."

She followed his line of sight, eyes flitting over his words.

_Dear Kate,_

_I'm so sorry. Truly. I screwed up and I know it. I should have turned her down. I should have thought it through more. And I guess I should have tried harder to reject her advances._

Oh. That. Yeah, not the best moment of their relationship.

_On paper, it seemed like the perfect plan to throw people off of our trail. And since you were okay with it, I decided to go through with it, hoping it would help divert suspicion from us. Of course on paper I didn't think she'd show up at my door with wine and oysters and chocolate covered strawberries and an unrelenting determination to tear my clothes off as quickly as possible._

_Regardless, I shouldn't have let this happen, and for that I'm so sorry._

_Because the truth is, I don't know how to do this, Kate. I don't know how to pretend to be single. I don't know how to believably turn someone down, especially when they ask me out on camera for the whole world to see. I don't know how to not blow our cover when things like this happen. I don't know how to not royally screw things up because let's face it, relationships have never been my strong suit._

_And I'm terrified, Kate. Terrified that I'm going to mess this up with you, and I would never forgive myself if I did because I love you so much and these last couple months have been so amazing and wonderful and I don't ever want to lose that. I don't ever want to lose you._

_(Though I realize that after the events of this evening, I'll be lucky to still actually have you.)_

_As soon as I finish this, I'm headed over to your apartment, and I can only cross my fingers and hope that you let me come in and allow me a chance to explain and apologize. Because I'm truly sorry for what happened and I want you to know that I would never be unfaithful to you, Kate. Never. I had no intention of sleeping with her. Hell, I wasn't even planning to kiss her, but she didn't give me much of a choice on that one._

_But Kate - I love you. And I only want you. And no matter how many other women come after me because they think I'm single, my feelings for you are never going to change. You're the only woman I want, in my life, in my bed, and in my heart._

_I need you to believe that. And I hope that you can forgive me._

_Love,_

_Rick_

Kate couldn't help but snicker as she finished reading and Castle jerked his eyes up to hers in surprise.

"What?"

"You're laughing," he pointed out.

She shrugged. "In retrospect, that whole thing was ridiculous."

"Yeah but..."

"Seriously?" Kate asked. "You're seriously still upset about that?"

"No, I'm just..." he paused. "I didn't realize you'd see it that way. I mean, she kissed me. And I let her."

"I thought you said she didn't give you a choice."

"Well she certainly was relentless, but still..."

"Castle, I may not like it but I know now that dealing with the occasional woman who's annoyingly determined to hit on you is just something I have to accept."

"I don't understand why people don't understand the implications of me being in a relationship," he complained.

"Kind of like what's-her-name at your book signing last week," Kate teased.

Castle cringed at the memory. "Ugh, don't remind me."

_"Where would you like it?" he asked automatically, sharpie in his right hand, poised to scrawl his name across the book for another one of his 'biggest fans.'_

_He had to admit, book signings just didn't hold the same allure any more, not since Kate. Not since he'd fallen so madly in love with her that meeting random women with short dresses and excessive amounts of cleavage had completely lost its excitement._

_"Here," the woman cooed, tugging aside the neckline of her already ridiculously low-cut dress, exposing the voluptuous inside curve of what was most certainly a surgically-enhanced breast._

_Castle lifted his head, immediately noticing two things. One, the rest of her body was equally as fake. And two, she was far too close and far too scantily clad for his liking._

_"I, ummm, how about I sign this instead," Castle suggested, tugging the book from her other hand._

_"Oh, but that's so boring," the woman whined. "It's been my lifelong dream to meet you and have you sign my chest."_

_From behind the nearby bookshelf, Kate rolled her eyes, snorted in disgust at the woman's unabashed antics._

_"Well I'm sorry to disappoint, Miss..."_

_"I'm Crystal," she interjected._

_"Crystal," he finished. "But I'm just here to sign books today."_

_She huffed in disappointment, leaned back slightly and returned her dress to its original position. Which, to be honest, still revealed far too much boob to be acceptable._

_Castle signed his name with a practiced ease, offered the book back to the blonde with a forced smile._

_"Thanks," she replied half-heartedly, clearly disappointed at the outcome._

_Castle nodded, thanked her as well as the next fan made their way to the table._

_It wasn't until the end of the signing that he found Crystal's number jotted on a piece of paper on the corner of the table._

_"You all done?" Kate asked, stepping up behind him and startling him as he picked up the square of paper in confusion._

_"I, huh, yeah," he managed, dropping his hand guiltily._

_"What's that?"_

_"Nothing."_

_"Castle."_

_He extended the small sheet to her with a sigh. "Some 'fan' who apparently hasn't made it as far as the dedication page and doesn't realize that I'm taken. Not that she's planning to read the book anyway."_

_Kate scoffed. "I'd be surprised if she was _capable _of reading the book."_

_Castle raised an eyebrow._

_"Would she be the one who wanted you to sign her chest?"_

_"You...you saw that?" he spluttered, glancing around to make sure no one was eavesdropping._

_"The whole room saw that."_

_He groaned, dropped his head into his hands. "Sorry."_

_Kate shrugged. "It's not like it was your fault. I mean, you said no."_

_"I know, I just..." Castle glanced around again, pulled Kate around the corner of the bookshelf and lowered his voice. "The only boobs I want to see that close to my face," he murmured, planting his hands on her ribcage, thumbs reaching up to trace the edge of her breasts, "are these ones."_

_She shivered at his touch, couldn't help the way her body arched into his, the reaction instantaneous. Castle chuckled to himself, loving how easily he could rile her up without really trying. Usually that only happened when she'd been drinking or teasing him or if she was..._

_Wait._

_"You're jealous?"_

_She rolled her eyes but it lacked conviction. "No."_

_His thumbs slipped up her sides again, brushing the edges of her bra. "Liar."_

_"I'm...not," she managed, the last words expelled on a breathy pant._

_He affixed her with a disbelieving raise of the eyebrow, merely waited her out._

_"Fine, yes, I was. She practically stuck her cleavage in your face, Castle. And it was so obviously fake. I mean, I just don't get why women think men find that attractive when..."_

_"Kate..."_

_"...it's clearly..."_

_"Kate."_

_"Hmmm?"_

_"Her cleavage means nothing to me. Her giggling over being my 'biggest fan' holds no meaning and no place in my memory, okay? I have you, and no amount of fake cleavage doused in way too much perfume is going to change that."_

_"I know."_

_"Good. Now," he walked back around to the table, snagged his jacket from the back of the chair. "Let's go home."_

_"I thought you wanted to go out for pizza," Kate reminded him._

_"I did. But that was before you got jealous."_

_"What's your point?" she asked teasingly, knowing full well that he loved when she was riled up._

_"My point," he breathed in her ear, hand coming to rest on her lower back, "is that you're so _hot_ when you're jealous. You get all possessive and sexy and..."_

_"I get it," she cut in, silencing him before a patron overheard his words._

_"Let's go."_

* * *

><p><em>They did eventually order pizza...at eleven o-clock that night.<em>

* * *

><p>"You know, now that you mention it, the rest of that night was pretty fun," Castle pointed out, smile on his face as images of a jealous Kate floated through his mind.<p>

She whacked his chest. "Shut up."

"You didn't enjoy cuffing me to the bed?" he asked in mock petulance.

"I think you know the answer to that," she breathed against him.

"Care to...recreate the scene?"

Kate raised an eyebrow. "I dunno, Castle. Think you're up for it?"

He waggled his eyebrows. "For you, Detective, I'm always _up _for it."

This time the eye roll was expected. Irritating, endearing, annoying, insatiable man.

She replaced the journal on the nightstand, slid open the drawer and extracted the handcuffs. She leaned back onto the bed, cuffs dangling from one finger as she blinked demurely up at him through her eyelashes. He reached for the cuffs but she was faster, pinning him to the mattress and securing his hands over his head, leaning forward and providing him a perfect view down the front of her shirt.

He groaned, dropped his head back as she bent down to press her lips to his.

"Problem?" she whispered sexily.

"No," he croaked, voice caught in his throat as he heard the cuff lock into place over his left wrist.

He was so not going to survive this, but oh, what a way to go.

"No problem at all."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	81. Secret's Safe With Me

_Author's Note: One reviewer suggested I write about wedding planning...and then this happened. Hope this is what you had in mind!_

* * *

><p><strong>Secret's Safe With Me<strong>

"Come on, Kate," Lanie begged, tugging the detective's arm and nearly displacing the coffee cup she held in her left hand.

"Lanie, I..."

"Just to look," she interrupted. "I'm not saying you have to buy anything today, but how can you not be just the littlest bit excited about finding a dress?"

"I just don't think I need to rush it, that's all," Kate deflected.

"Looking isn't rushing, sweetie. It's been almost two months now."

"Lanie, we haven't even set a date yet."

"Come on," she said determinedly, pulled Kate by the crook of the elbow into the quaint midtown shop. "You know you want to."

Kate rolled her eyes but followed of her own volition now. "Fine. But just for a few minutes."

* * *

><p>As it happened, a few minutes turned into twenty and then thirty and then almost an hour as Kate and Lanie searched through rack upon rack of flowy white dresses, cringing at some, rolling their eyes at others, and even approving of a few of them. Or, at least, Lanie approved. Which was why Kate was now stepping out of the fitting room donning dress number four.<p>

Lanie gasped as Kate came into view, the strapless white dress wrapped beautifully around her figure, the bodice adorned with beads and the fabric flowing out from her waist and down to the ground in a modest train.

"Kate..."

The detective stopped in front of the three-way mirror, turned to one side and then the other to examine the contours of the dress. It was gorgeous; of that, Lanie was correct. But there was something...missing.

"You look amazing," Lanie gushed, stepping forward to fiddle with the lacing that ran up the back, adjusted the fabric over Kate's waist. "Oh my gosh, Kate. Castle's going to be speechless."

"Lanie, I'm not...getting anything today."

"But this one..."

"Is pretty," Kate interrupted. "But I'm not ready to decide."

"Why not?"

Kate stepped back from the mirror, turned away from her friend and towards the dressing room in an effort to hide the tears pricking the corners of her eyes. "Lanie please, just...stop."

The ME backed off, confused, but wisely remained silent as Kate changed back into her street clothes, stashed the dresses on the rack in the dressing room area, and headed out of the store. Not until they rounded the corner did Lanie dare speak.

"What's wrong?"

Kate's response was abrupt. "Nothing."

"Honey." Lanie snagged her friend's wrist, stopped her from walking away. "You and I both know you're lying. Now what's wrong? Is it something with you and Castle? Because just last week you were gushing about being engaged."

Kate sighed, tugged her hand from Lanie's grasp and dodged a few pedestrians as she stepped up to the brick wall of the nearest shop, leaned back against it. "I just...I always thought that when it came time to pick out my wedding dress, my mom would be there to help me. And she's not."

"Oh, Kate, I'm so sorry," Lanie consoled immediately, stepping forward to rest a comforting hand on Kate's upper arm. "I should have thought that through."

"No, no, it's okay," she replied with a shake of her head. "I mean...I have to find one at some point."

"Yeah but..."

"It's okay," Kate reiterated. "Really."

"All right."

They stood in silence for a few moments before another store caught Lanie's eyes and then she was hurrying off across the street with Kate in tow, talking animatedly about the cute pair of boots in the window. Kate smiled, shook her head at her friend's exuberance.

Things would be okay.

* * *

><p>"Hello?"<p>

Kate rolled over, sleepily blinked one eye open. It was light outside but the sun was in the wrong side of the sky for it to be morning. And she was most certainly not on a bed.

She lifted her head, surveyed her surroundings. Castle was pushing himself into a seated position, phone to one ear while his free hand was busy running through his hair, straightening his shirt.

Kate was lying on her side on the sofa with a blanket half-tossed over her. She squinted at the table in confusion, barely able to make out the words on the DVD cover sitting there. Right. They'd decided to watch a movie and at some point they'd wound up spooning on the sofa. And then, apparently, had fallen asleep.

"I...what do you mean?"

Kate's attention was drawn back to the phone conversation and the rising volume of Castle's voice.

"She was doing what? No, I didn't."

Silence on his end.

"I'm telling you, Paula, I have no idea. She didn't say anything to me."

A pause, he ran his hands through his hair.

"I don't know. Look, I'll...yes, I'll tell her. I don't...just do what you can okay?"

A sharp nod.

"Thank you."

He ended the call, turned to find Kate making her way to a seated position, eyes trained on him as he reached for his iPad. She watched curiously as he typed a couple of words into the search bar, vision glued to the screen, the expression on his face going from confused and annoyed to disappointed.

"What is it?" she asked.

He turned the device towards her and Kate was shocked to find a picture of herself staring back at her. Not the first time her picture had shown up online, but the first since they'd publicized their engagement.

"What?"

"You tell me," Castle replied.

"I don't..." she scanned the picture for clues. Based on her outfit, it must have been taken three or four days ago. She was wearing flats, so she wasn't at work. And was that...? That was Lanie's head visible through the throngs of pedestrians. Lanie's head right in front of the wedding dress boutique.

Crap.

How did anyone even manage to spot her?

"What the...why am _I _on the tabloid site? I'm...I'm not even...I'm a cop."

"And you're also dating me."

"Yeah but...don't people have better things to do with their time?" she protested. "What did Paula say?"

"That she'll do what she can."

Kate sighed, slumped back against the corner of the couch and ran a hand through her hair. "God, I just...why?"

"I could ask you the same thing," Castle retorted and Kate could tell from the tone of his voice that he was no longer talking just about her appearance on the website.

"Castle..."

"When was this?" he asked abruptly.

"A few days ago," she responded honestly.

"You didn't mention it," he pointed out, not accusing, just curious and confused.

She shook her head. "No, I...look, it wasn't planned, okay? It was spur of the moment and Lanie dragged me in and..."

"Yeah but..."

Kate cut him off. "I tried on a few dresses, didn't really love any of them. It's not like I went and bought one, Castle. And it's not like you're going to help me pick one out anyway."

"No, but my mother or Alexis might like to offer their support and assistance."

"I..." she trailed off, considering his suggestion for the first time.

"And it would have been nice to know that you're actually thinking about the wedding."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kate snapped, annoyed that they were even having this argument.

"Just that every time I bring up setting a date you manage to deflect the question."

"Castle...look," she protested. To be honest, he wasn't wrong in his accusation. She _had_ dodged the question at least twice now, and perhaps she owed him an explanation.

He stood from the sofa, held out a hand to stop her. "Look, I have to go. I have dinner plans with Alexis. We can talk when I get back."

"Castle..."

"Later," he replied, leaving no room for compromise.

Kate sighed, tugged the blanket up over her and curled into a ball beneath the warm covering. She was so not in the mood to deal with this right now.

* * *

><p>The loft was dark when Castle returned from dinner with his daughter, the only illumination stemming from the lamp on the end table by the sofa. He and Alexis had wound up eating and talking and wandering the sidewalks for over four hours, and yet Kate was still here in the living room, still curled up beneath the same blanket. The television was off but the snacks from the movie still sat on the table, indicating that she hadn't moved since he left.<p>

Castle discarded his jacket, shoes, and keys, crept across the room to wake her. He was still upset about the earlier tabloid photograph, about the argument it had morphed into. But right now he was also tired and wanted to curl up in bed with his fiancée. They could deal with everything else tomorrow when tempers weren't running so high.

He stepped up to her, reached out to wake her but stopped at the peaceful sight before him. She was fast asleep, features soft and relaxed, and he decided against waking her. He gently shifted the edge of the blanket up off the ground and further around her shoulders, catching sight of a brown and white object wedged against the cushions as he did so. He peeled back the blanket ever so slightly, found their journal lying by her hands as though she had fallen asleep clinging to it, lost her grip on it as her muscles relaxed.

Which meant that she'd gotten up to get it at some point, probably because she was upset and missed him. He felt a pang of guilt at having left so abruptly rather than calling Alexis and postponing their plans by an hour or so, thus allowing him time to work things out with Kate. Not one of his finer moments.

Castle carefully extracted the journal, dropped his eyes to the page that lay open.

A letter he didn't recognize, not right away at least.

_Dear Kate,_

_I just...I don't even know what to say. I'm just...so incredibly happy. So happy. These past months have been beyond amazing. And I keep waiting for the spark to die, for the giddiness to fade, but it's not happening. I know, I know, we're still in the infamous 'honeymoon period.' I know it's supposed to be like this. But even so, I've never felt like this before._

_And I never realized it was possible to fall more and more in love with you every day._

_The way you were willing to talk to Alexis on your own even though it's not your responsibility. The way you're becoming more willing to open up to me about your past and share stories of memories that are near and dear to your heart. It means so much to me that you trust me enough to let me in. And that you want us to be together badly enough to be willing to confront my daughter._

_(For the record, she doesn't actually hate you. Apparently I misinterpreted her anger.)_

_And our handshakes...God, Kate, they're just electric. I've never felt such a strong magnetic pull to someone from a simple touch. Sure, I've been in relationships with chemistry. But never like this. I've never wanted someone so badly and so often. All the time. I don't even know how I managed to refrain from kissing you yesterday, because every fiber of my being was screaming at me to pull you close and kiss you deeply and take you home with me and never let you go. And believe me, that was exactly what I wanted to do._

_(From the look on your face, I think that's what you wanted too.)_

_Call me pathetic, but I'm sitting at home right now with a glass of scotch counting down the minutes until you're done for the day, until you can show up at the loft and take away the emptiness. With Alexis gone it just seems so...quiet. Lonely. And I need you, Kate. More than you realize. More than is probably healthy._

_But you make me smile and you bring so much joy to my days and you make me forget the sadness because I get so wrapped up in loving you that nothing else matters. How can it, when I have you in my arms?_

_Any minute now, you should be showing up at my door. Any minute now I'll be opening it to see a smile on your face and I'll pull you into my arms and kiss you like I wanted to last night. We'll probably order take out at some point, maybe relax and watch a movie while cuddled up on the sofa. And tonight, we'll fall into bed and I'll hold you and never let you go._

_And you won't complain because even if you won't admit it, I know that you need me as much as I need you. Your eyes say more than you realize sometimes._

_(Although tonight, with Alexis gone, I fully admit to being the neediest one.)_

_Just heard a knock on my door so I guess I better wrap this up. Because as much as I love writing about you, the real-life version is a million times more inspiring._

_I love you, Kate._

_Rick_

"Castle?"

His eyes fell to her sleeping form as she stirred, mumbled his name, forced her eyes open.

"Hey," he murmured, hand automatically extending to brush a lock of hair behind her ear. "Sleep well?"

She nodded against the pillow. "What time's it?"

"Close to midnight I think," he replied.

"Mmmm. How's Alexis?"

"She's doing well." Castle trailed a finger over the line of her jaw, down her neck to the ridge of her shoulder. "Let's get you to bed."

Kate slowly pushed herself into a seated position, swung her legs down to the floor. "Whatcha reading?" she asked sleepily as Castle quickly skimmed the final few words of the letter.

He held it up for her to see before setting it aside. "Found it lying here with you."

"Oh, yeah. I was...I needed it," she admitted shyly. "Sappy was good."

He smiled, both at her confession and from the residual impacts of reading his letter, reminiscing.

"Gotta get it out somewhere," Castle admitted teasingly. "Don't think the publishers would appreciate the next book being one big long sappy love letter."

She rolled her eyes but was unable to suppress her smile.

"Hey, Castle?"

"Hmmm?"

She forced herself up off the sofa, turned to him. "Can I tell you a secret?"

He stepped closer, slipped an arm around her waist. "Of course."

"I love it when you're a sap."

He smiled into her hair, breathed her in, his heart bubbling over with happiness and love. "I hate to say it but it's not really much of a secret," he teased.

She whacked his chest but he merely smirked, eyes dancing with smugness. Kate rolled her eyes but with no malice behind the gesture. Because, yeah, she could not really hide anything from him anymore, no matter how hard she tried. And her ability to remain annoyed with him had all but vanished as well.

Apparently so had his, at least for now. But that was okay because she could tell by his words that, for now at least, all was forgiven.

"Don't worry," Castle whispered, dipping his head so his lips brushed against her ear. "Your secret's safe with me."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	82. Murder, He Wrote

_Author's Note: T__hanks to KateMB for helping to get the creative juices flowing on this one!_

* * *

><p><strong>Murder, He Wrote<strong>

"Cold?" Castle asked, emerging from their bedroom while toweling the water from his hair.

A pair of sweatpants hung low on his hips, the strong lines of his chest exposed by his lack of shirt, and any chill that might have been in the air vanished as heat rushed through Kate's veins.

"No."

He raised an eyebrow, crossed to the fireplace and turned it on anyway. It was early November and as fall melded into a New York winter, the air temperature had dropped drastically over the course of the past week, brisk and unyielding. It had yet to snow but the clouds on the horizon announced the arrival of the first winter storm of the year.

And he fully intended to 'celebrate' the occasion with a warm fireplace and delicious hot chocolate. And his fiancée.

Kate was seated on a bar stool, head bent over a crossword puzzle on his iPad, probably the same one she'd been stuck on since this morning. He knew from last time that his offers of help weren't well-received and wisely skirted around her on his way into the kitchen, tossing the towel on the counter on his way to retrieve mugs and packets of cocoa mix.

Castle went about making the cocoa, adding a dollop of peppermint schnapps to each mug while the water heated, pulling out a package of mini marshmallows from the cupboard and popping a few into his mouth while he waited.

By the time the water was bubbling, he'd also collected a handful of blankets and pillows and dumped them in a fluffy pile in front of the fireplace in preparation for their night of snuggly warmth. He filled the mugs, mixed in the chocolate packets and the marshmallows, and only then did he risk interrupting his fiancée.

"Kate."

"Hmmm?"

When he offered no reply she lifted her head, took in her surroundings. The only light still on was in the kitchen, the living room lit by the flickering flames in the fireplace. There was a mound of blankets and pillows and warmth on the floor and two mugs of hot cocoa in his hands.

She smiled adoringly, saved her puzzle and set the iPad aside. Only Castle.

Kate reached for a mug with one hand, stole a kiss from him as he transferred it to her.

"What's all of this?" she murmured against his lips.

"Starting off winter the right way," Castle replied as though the answer was obvious.

Kate raised an eyebrow, lifted to the mug to her lips and took a swallow. "Is that so?"

He smiled proudly. "Hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps, fire in the fireplace, blankets and pillows, and you in my arms."

"Who says I'm going to curl up in your arms in front of a fire?" she teased.

"The part of me that knows you well enough to know that you actually really love my idea," he replied confidently.

Kate rolled her eyes but crossed to the pile, set her mug down out of the way and began to organize the pile of pillows. While she worked, Castle sneaked across the loft and into their bedroom, grabbing a shirt and also retrieving their journal from the nightstand and slipping it under the edge of the blankets as he slid into place next to her.

She curled into his side right away, head resting on his shoulder and his arm around her as they gazed at the fireplace, mesmerized by the dancing flames.

At long last, Castle fumbled around for the journal, lifted it from beneath the blankets. "Want to?" he asked softly.

She lifted her head, smiled softly, unsure of why he brought it out here but glad that he thought to do so. "Sure."

_Dear Kate,_

_I wish I'd thought to bring the journal to the Hamptons with us this weekend, because I think this entry would be much more accurate had I been able to jot down my thoughts and feelings while they were happening. I suppose I could have written on a separate sheet of paper, but then again, when we weren't solving the case, I was...otherwise occupied...and writing was the last thing on my mind._

_Not that I'm complaining._

_Actually, I think that I owe you an apology for this weekend. I know that it ended fantastically, but I still feel bad about pulling you into investigating that murder. From what I know of both of us, it felt like it was inevitable that we would have gotten tied back into it in one way or another. But I still feel bad, because it should have been a romantic getaway, not another case._

_I promise, I'll make it up to you. We can go again sometime and I swear that no matter what happens, I will make sure it's a weekend of sex and sleeping and soaking up the sun and skinny dipping. After I have the pool drained and scoured with bleach. Twice._

_But I'm still glad that we got to go and that we did at least have time for some fun, even if your skinny-dipping plans were thwarted. And I'm glad that you enjoyed yourself because I did too. It was nice to get away for a while and have some time to ourselves and just...be._

_One of these days, I'll convince you to take a week off from work and we'll spend it at the beach house. A week of relaxation and sunshine. Because, Kate...I may have brought other women up there in the past, but I want you to know that there won't be anyone else in the future. Just you._

_Love,_

_Rick_

"We should get married there," Kate suggested upon reaching the end of the letter, surprising both of them as the words poured out of her mouth.

"I...what?"

"The Hamptons. That would be a good place for a wedding, right?"

"Kate..." he breathed, simultaneously blown away by her suggestion and upset at himself for the things he'd said to her the day before, the accusations that had slipped out of his mouth.

"If you don't want to..."

"No," he whispered, reached up to cup her cheek. He guided her in to press his lips to her forehead, spoke against her skin. "That's perfect."

She lifted her head, radiant smile splitting across her face, skin glowing amber in the flickering light. "You think so?"

"Absolutely," Castle replied, hands falling back to his lap. "And...I'm sorry," he offered after a moment.

She cocked her head.

"For yesterday. For getting upset about the picture and for doubting you. It just...caught me off-guard, finding out that way, you know? But I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

"I'm sorry too," Kate murmured in reply. "For not being honest with you a long time ago. Because I do want to get married, Castle. I do. So much. It's just...hard to think about planning a wedding without my mom here to help me."

His face fell instantly and he felt a wave of shame for not considering that earlier. No wonder she'd been putting it off, avoiding talking about it.

"I should've realized," Castle offered by way of continued apology.

"It's...I know it's not going to be easy," Kate admitted. "But I know that it's what she would have wanted for me. For us."

He turned to face her, covered both of her hands with his. "Take your time, Kate," he said softly. "There's no rush. We can get married whenever you're ready."

"The Hamptons, Castle," she repeated, a determined smile on her lips. "Sometime next year. The fall, maybe?"

A broad smile spread across his face, eyes twinkling with joy. "If that's what you want," he agreed.

Kate opened her mouth to speak again, to assure him that it was, but stopped when she saw the faraway look on his face, eyes glossy and distant. Because it was quite evident that he was currently marrying her on the beach in his daydream and she wasn't going to interrupt that.

How could she?

Instead, she simply sat back and watched, Allowing her smile to grow as she took in his besotted grin, bright blue eyes, the flickering shadows of the fire casting patterns on his skin, the crinkles at the corners of his eyes that were always enhanced when he was happy. Right now, she could tell that he most certainly was.

And so was she.

Because someday soon, she was going to marry Richard Castle at his beach house in the Hamptons.

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	83. Probable Cause

**Probable Cause**

"What's...what's this?" Castle asked, reaching out to finger the folded sheet of paper wedged in between two pages of their journal, not one he remembered placing there.

"That's from me," Kate answered, joining him on the bed, making herself comfortable next to him, shoulder to shoulder.

"It is?"

She nodded. "Found in a while ago when I was sorting through some stuff and figured I'd put it in there so we could read it in sequence."

"So it's in the right place?" he asked, flipping the page open and comparing the dates.

"Should be."

Sure enough, it was. He folded the paper back more sharply, smoothing the crease with his fingers, but Kate stopped him, fingers gentle on his wrist.

"Yours first."

"Okay."

_Dear Kate,_

_I don't even know where to start right now. These last three days have been awful. The best way I can think to describe it is my worst nightmare acted out. And I can't get it out of my head, any of it. So perhaps I should begin by saying thank you and then proceed from there._

_So thank you, Kate. For believing in me. I know I already said this once, but you have no idea what it means to me that you fought so hard for me when the evidence gave you every reason to believe that I'd been unfaithful to you. That I'd killed a woman to cover my tracks. Hell, in your position, I'm sure I'd have struggled to separate reality from fiction as well, especially under such compelling evidence._

_And it means the world to me to know that you trusted me so strongly, that you believed in me so fiercely. I know you haven't actually said the words yet, and part of me has been longing to hear them fall from your lips. But what you did for me these last couple days...I think that says all that I need to know and more._

_(I love you too, Kate.)_

_Gosh, I wish you were here right now. I know you were here all night, and I woke up with you in my arms this morning. And I know you said you'd come back later. But it's not enough right now, because I'm alone and it's all still so fresh and he's out there somewhere and I just want to fall into bed with you and make it all go away._

_He was in the loft, Kate. He was here, in my home. He stood in my living room. He was watching Alexis and I go about our daily routines. And it's making me paranoid, though I maintain that it's completely justifiable._

_He watched us, Kate. You and me. He told me he'd seen us in bed together. The most private and special thing in my life, and he violated that._

She reached for him blindly, clamped down hard around his hand, but didn't speak.

_And I hate it because he's tarnished the memories that I hold so near and dear to my heart. I hate thinking that way, because no matter what he did, I'll continue to treasure those memories. I just wish he hadn't defiled them. Or maybe I wish he'd never told me. Truthfully, I'm not sure which is worse at this point. I'm not sure about a lot of things anymore._

_All I know with certainty is that every time I close my eyes I'm back in that holding cell, looking into his lifeless eyes as he describes how he's going to kill me, how you're not going to be able to stop him and how it will haunt you for the rest of your life. How he had it all planned out, how he orchestrated this entire thing not only to get back at me, but to add to the guilt of last time when he gets away with murder once again._

_And he did it, Kate. He got away again. I know you still believe he's dead. And I would love to believe that too. But I've spoken with him, I've seen the way he talks about killing, about the fun of the staging and the thrill of seeing the fear in the eyes of his victims. He lives for those moments. And it's only a matter of time before he starts doing it again._

_In the meantime, I guess I'll just have to learn to take things one day at a time. I'll have the locks changed on the loft, have everything deep cleaned. I'll take another shower, because despite taking one last night with you, I can still feel the filth of being around him lingering on my skin. And maybe after that, I'll be able to feel a little less violated, a little safer, and I'll be able to return to some sense of normalcy._

_Maybe I'll be able to forget, at least temporarily._

_In the meantime, I'm just going to cling to you, to my time with you and to our partnership. Because when I'm with you, I can almost forget. Almost._

_And hopefully as time passes, the memories will fade. I'm going to make an effort to ensure that they do, because I refuse to allow the time I spend with you to be tainted by the twisted words and actions of a psychotic serial killer. Otherwise I'm going to spend the foreseeable future jumping at every noise, glancing over my shoulder at every turn. And I don't want that to happen._

_Our time together is far too precious for that._

_I'm sure I could go on and on about the case and my feelings and fears because there's still so much swirling through my brain despite having written this letter. But for now I'll refrain because I think this is one of those things that won't be solved by writing. It was good to get some of this down on paper. But I need to actually take action to erase what he did, to help myself feel safe again. To not let him win._

_And when all of that still isn't enough, then I'll hold you in my arms and never let you go._

_Because no matter how horrible the situation, you make everything better just by being you._

_I love you, Kate._

_Rick_

"I can't believe he...God, _really_?" she spluttered in disgust, a shiver of horror racing up her spine.

"Kate..."

"No, but..."

"Kate, don't," he interrupted before her mind had an opportunity to run away with this information. "Just don't think about it. Forget about it. Trust me, it's better that way."

"How can I not?" she asked desperately.

"Just focus on your memories. On us and the way it feels when we're together. Just remember that," he suggested gently. "Because he might have been there watching, but he can't take away our feelings. That's what worked for me, anyway."

She nodded slowly, forced the thoughts from her mind. It may not be easy to forget, but she knew he was right; it was the best they could do.

"Here," Castle suggested, reaching for her letter and offering it up as a distraction. Not that it was likely to buoy their spirits, but it was something else to focus on at least for a few minutes.

Kate smiled softly, appreciating his efforts.

_Dear Castle,_

_I think I understand now how you sometimes just _have_ to go write. How you leave the station in a rush or steal one of my pads of paper because you have to jot something down right away. I've never understood why it couldn't just wait a couple of hours. But now I do. __Because I'm at home curled up on my bed, and you're across town in a holding cell and there's nothing I can do about it and I feel so utterly useless and defeated. I want so badly to go to you, but I know that I shouldn't because it might compromise the case or my objectivity. So the only other thing I can think to do is write to you and hope that my words will somehow make a difference._

_I hate this, Castle. I hate it so much. I'm crawling into bed alone when I should be crawling into your arms. I spent the last two hours sobbing to Lanie instead of spending a quiet evening with you. And right now, all I want is to feel your touch, see your smile. I want to hear your voice as you spin together a beautiful string of words that make this story make sense, because right now, nothing does. The jewelry you didn't buy, the paragraphs you didn't write, the emails I know you didn't send. It's all wrong, Castle. I know it is. Because I know that you wouldn't do something like this to me, no matter what the evidence says. I know you, Castle. You're a lot of things, but you're not the person that this evidence is making you out to be._

_I just...I don't even know what to say right now and even if I did, I'm not sure you'd listen to me. I mean, you're in a holding cell because of me. All of this doesn't add up and I'm missing something and because of that, you're being branded a criminal._

_But this isn't over, Castle. It's not. This is only just beginning, this beautiful thing that we have, and there's no way in hell that I'll let this unfortunate combination of evidence lock you up for any longer. Whoever is behind this, whoever is setting you up...I will find them. I promise you, Castle. I promise._

_I know I haven't told you this yet but...I love you, Castle._

_Kate_

When they finished reading, she lifted her eyes to find his fixed on her, deep and dark, and his voice was solemn and true as he spoke the only words that were needed in this moment.

"I love you too, Kate."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	84. The Final Frontier & Swan Song

**The Final Frontier & Swan Song**

"Whatcha doing?"

Castle lifted his head sharply, jolted guiltily. "Nothing."

Kate raised an eyebrow.

"Just..." he held up their journal, their old one, and Kate noticed the new one sitting on the desk in front of him.

"I thought you were working on your outline."

"I was," he answered.

"And then...?"

"I got distracted?" Castle offered, the words coming out more like a question.

"Clearly."

"I'm trying to figure out what to get you for your birthday," he said with a sigh, ran a hand through his hair. "And I'm stuck. So..." he gestured to the journal again.

"And you never thought to, I don't know, ask me?" she teased lightly.

"Well I mean, I wanted it to be a surprise, and then...I..."

"Castle," she interrupted, putting him out of his stammering misery. "I think it's sweet."

"You do?"

She smiled, slid onto his lap. "I do."

His arms automatically found purchase around her waist as she settled into him, dropped her head to rest on his shoulder.

After a few minutes, Castle's attention was drawn back to their journal, back to birthday present ideas. It needed to be special; he remembered ages ago telling Montgomery that the best thing to get a woman was something she said she wanted when she didn't think you were listening.

Which was where he was stuck, not only because he was certainly guilty of not listening at times, but also because Kate wasn't overly vocal about what she wanted. Jewelry, sure. She'd shamelessly dropped that hint back when they'd first started dating. And throughout the course of their relationship he'd given her earrings, a bracelet, and, of course, the beautiful diamond ring that adorned her finger. He'd also given her books, a nice peacoat, a beautiful scarf, and countless other small items because he knew she disliked when he went over the top with gifts.

And now he was flat out of ideas.

Kate lifted her head to press her mouth to the underside of his jaw and Castle was momentarily distracted by the touch of her lips but she caught his line of sight quickly enough to realize that he was still focused on the journal, on finding the perfect gift for her. And she was touched, truly. So she'd indulge him.

She reached out for the book, settled it on their laps and turned to the correct page. He dropped a kiss on the top of her head, nestled his cheek against her temple as his eyes fell to the page.

_Dear Kate,_

_I'm starting to sound like a broken record here but I can't help myself. Because every time I think that I'm so completely in love with you and there's no way I could ever love you more, you go and reveal another side of yourself and I fall all over again._

_I know you love Forbidden Planet and horror movies and that you read plays. And books. A lot of books. I know that you love Temptation Lane and comic books. But it never occurred to me that you'd be a hardcore Nebula 9 fan. It shouldn't have surprised me, really, because I already know that you have a nerdy side – and I mean that as a compliment, because I love how you embrace it so unabashedly – but I didn't realize you'd be such a fangirl._

_But that's part of what I love about you; the contradictions, the surprises. The fact that you're not afraid to be smart and bookwormish (and badass, but that's not the main point right now). You make brainy so incredibly sexy. I'm in love with all of you but I'm pretty sure your mind is at the top of my list._

_And because of that, I owe you an apology. It wasn't right for me to make fun of you or of a show that meant a lot to you at a very important time of your life. Even though I didn't think very highly of it, that doesn't mean others can't enjoy it. And once you told me what it meant to you and why you related to it so much, I felt like an ass for bashing it. In much the same way that books can impact readers, TV shows can impact their viewers. After all, isn't that why we like them?_

_What I'm saying is, I get it. I see why you idolized Lieutenant Chloe, why the show meant so much to you. And I'm glad that you found something like Nebula 9 to help guide you through that time of your life. It may not be my favorite show ever, but for you I'd sit down and watch it. _

_So I'm sorry, Kate, for making fun of you and for not being more sensitive, because the truth is, I love every facet of you, all of your quirks. And I don't want you to be embarrassed to share any of that with me. I want you to feel like you can tell me anything and can open yourself up completely. I want you to be able to trust me with that information. I'm sure that the things I said these last two days haven't done anything to help win your trust but I hope I can change that in the near future. I want to know you, Kate. You're it for me. I know you are. And I don't want to settle for anything less than all of you. Everything. And you deserve everything from me in return._

_I've screwed up in the past but this time I'm determined to do it right._

_Love,_

_Rick_

"You're sweet, Castle," Kate murmured, reaching up to trace the angle of his jaw with her finger.

He smiled, bent to press his lips to hers. "Only for you."

She pulled back, rolled her eyes at him.

"What?" he asked innocently.

"You're also cheesy."

"And you love me for it."

"I don't know," she teased, saucy smirk on her face.

"Liar," he accused jokingly.

"Pretty sure of yourself, are you?"

"You bet I am," he replied, slipping a hand beneath her shirt, tracing patterns up and down the curve of her waist. "Because you're sitting on my lap wearing a diamond ring that _I_ gave you."

Her eyes fell to her left hand, lifted back up to his. "Never taking it off, Castle," she murmured.

A giant grin spread across his face, crinkling the corners of his eyes and lighting up the entire room. "I love you," he whispered, lips against her ear as though his words were a secret.

She tilted her chin, captured his lips for a deep kiss. "I know."

Castle smiled into the kiss, pulled away just enough to speak. "Even if I can't figure out what to get you for your birthday?"

Kate laughed then, loud and free. "I don't know…I mean, that's pretty much the only reason I stick around."

He pinched her side with the hand still resting against her bare skin and she yelped, nearly fell off of his lap. "Castle!"

With the other hand, he tossed the journal aside dramatically. "Guess I don't need inspiration then, do I?"

"Well in that case, I guess I'll just head to bed alone," she replied, equally melodramatic but enjoying the opportunity to rile him up.

"Kaaaate," he whined, reaching for her as she slipped off of his lap with a sly smile. She was quick but he was quicker, missing her waist but catching her wrist with enough strength to tug her back onto him. She stumbled, off-balance, wound up seated back on his lap with his arms laced around her waist once again.

She snagged the journal, removed one of his hands from her torso and placed the book in it.

He opened his mouth to speak but she beat him to it. "I expect a very inspired gift next week."

Castle raised an eyebrow, sexy smirk on his face, and she felt a ripple of arousal rush through her. "Do you now?"

She just smiled smugly, far too pleased with herself, but sometimes he was just _so easy_ to mess with.

"Read, Castle," she commanded lightly.

He huffed a theatrical sigh, turned the book right-side-up and proceeded to the next letter.

_Dear Kate,_

_I'm so proud of you. So proud. I know you hated those cameras and I know you were really uncomfortable having them in your face all the time. But you were amazing. You were a natural, once you stopped worrying about them and just did your thing._

_And I know that when the documentary is actually released, everyone is going to love you. Because they'll get to see you hard at work. They'll get to see how strong and determined you are, how fierce you can be in interrogation and yet how kind you are with the families of the victims. They'll get to see everything that made me fall in love with you, which is why I know that the audiences will love you too. Because they'll get to see how amazing you are._

_I know you don't like publicity but I'm glad you're getting some recognition. You deserve it, Kate, because you work so hard every day and you've helped so many people._

_However, I'm glad our relationship has been spared the publicity. Thank goodness the producer was willing to help us out with that. I know it can't last forever. Nothing ever does, and secrets like this have a way of spilling out completely unexpectedly. It's going to happen eventually. But I'm glad that 'eventually' wasn't today. Because I love working with you and spending my time at the precinct and I know that as soon as Gates finds out, those days are over. And I'm not ready for that._

_Truthfully, I never will be. But as long as you're still coming home to me at night, I suppose I can learn to live with it. Because I'll still have you, and that's what matters most._

_Love,_

_Rick_

"You'll always have me," Kate murmured, tilting her chin to smile up at Castle.

He grinned, pressed his lips to hers. "Ditto."

She would always have his heart, and though it'd taken longer for her to open herself to it, he now knew that he would always have hers as well.

"Birthday present or not," she added as an afterthought.

"Mmmm."

"Castle," Kate murmured, drawing him from his haze.

He allowed his eyes to flutter open to meet hers, deep and serious.

"You gave me this," she stated, lifting her left hand into their line of vision. "And this." She covered his chest with her palm, could feel the steady beat of his heart beneath her fingertips. "And those are the best birthday presents I could ever ask for."

"But this was in July," he protested, catching her left hand and twining it with his. "And this," he covered her right hand that rested on his chest, "you've had for years now."

"I know," she agreed, well aware that she was being a complete sap. "But that's all I need."

"So if I decorate your desk with flowers..." he faltered at her glare, knowing very well that his suggestion fell far outside the realm of 'keep your personal life out of the precinct.'

"Castle."

"Right, so if I make you breakfast in bed and shower you with roses and kisses and chocolates, you'd take it?"

Kate snorted. "What is this, Valentine's Day?"

"I, well, umm..."

She smiled. "You're sweet Castle."

"So that's a yes, then?"

"But you missed one very important part of my hypothetical birthday present," she cooed, an indirect answer to his question as she slithered off of his lap and made her way towards their bedroom.

Castle raised an eyebrow. "Oh yeah? What's that?"

Kate reached down, grasped the hemline of her shirt and pulled it up over her head, exposing her bare back to him. She tossed her hair over her shoulder, turning only her head, a horrible tease. He gulped as she disappeared through the doorway, stepping out of her pants, leaving her clad only in what could barely be classified as underwear.

"You coming, Castle?" she called out, voice alluring and mixed with teasing overtones as she vanished into the shadows of the bedroom.

He swallowed hard, stumbled his way to his feet, fingers already working his belt and the button on his jeans as he followed her naked form into the darkened room.

"I sure hope so."

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: There is an outtake to this chapter as well, posted as chapter 2 of my fic 'Sweetest Words.'<em>


	85. After Hours

_Author's Note: I apologize for the delay in posting. As some of you know, I've been going through some stuff recently and it was difficult to write anything except pure angst. Thanks to everyone who's been sending me virtual hugs :)_

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><p><strong>After Hours<strong>

"Want to?"

Kate arranged the covers over her shoulders, lifted her eyes to Castle. He was propped on his elbows next to her, journal in his hands, gazing at her expectantly.

To be completely honest, she was exhausted from their early morning wake-up call. But she was also still too wired to sleep, courtesy of a stressful day of interrogations and difficult conversations. And exhausted or not, she knew there was no way she'd be able to fall asleep right away.

"Sure," she answered after a moment, shifting to mimic his position, leaning her temple gently against his as their eyes fell to the already-opened page.

Maybe taking her mind off of things would help to calm her brain.

_Dear Kate,_

_I'm not sure whether to be disappointed or offended or angry that you were questioning our relationship last night. Maybe I'm all three. Disappointed because I thought we were past that point. Offended because you thought I'd be willing to give up so easily simply because our parents didn't get along. And angry because you were ready to turn your back on everything we had because of one little thing._

_God, Kate, you're everything I could ever want and more. You're beautiful and intelligent and strong and confident. But at the same time, you're open and vulnerable and soft and loving and I just...I can't get enough of it. I can't get enough of you. I'm addicted to the way you make me feel, the happiness you bring to my life. I know you're not as vocal about it, but your actions say that you feel the same. And there's no way that something like that is us kidding ourselves. No way._

_Can't you see that?_

_I just don't understand. I know I don't have the best reputation or a good history when it comes to relationships. I know we come from different worlds and there are bound to be issues because of that. But we were partners for four years before we started dating, Kate, and it hurts to know that you discounted all of that so easily at the first little hitch._

_We're dating; we're going to argue and fight and drive each other crazy at times. But what happens next time? Will you throw away all of our history at the first sign of trouble? Will you give up before we even have a chance to work things out? Or will you just walk away without a backwards glance?_

_I know people think I'm the secure one in relationships but the truth is that I'm not, Kate. Not at all. I went through a bad break-up in college and I've been through two divorces. I've never had a lasting relationship. I'm afraid that the same thing is going to happen now, that I'll screw this up somehow and it will all fall apart. And Kate, that terrifies me, because losing you would be like losing a part of myself and I'd never recover from that. Never._

_I know we talked in the precinct and I know we spent last night together but I'm still a little upset about everything. A one-minute conversation and two rounds of admittedly hot sex don't solve the whole problem. Pushing it aside isn't going to solve it either. I realize that it was a mutual decision not to talk about it any further last night; in terms of being faced with mobsters and almost dying, there were far more life-affirming things to do than finish fighting. But I still think that we need to sit down and hash things out because otherwise things like this are just going to keep happening. And frankly, we deserve better._

_So please promise me that the next time we fight you won't give up on us so easily. Promise me that you'll keep believing in us. This isn't always going to be easy, Kate. There are going to be times where we have to compromise and fight to keep things together. And I'm willing to go the distance, because I know what we have and what we stand to lose, and I'm not willing to let this fall apart. But I need to know that you feel that way too, because one person can't hold a relationship together. It has to be a two-way street._

_You know where I stand. You know I'm not going anywhere. __If I learned anything tonight, it's that life is short and we should make the best of the time we have together. We spent four years dancing around each other. And now that we're together, I'm not willing to waste another minute of it._

_I can only hope that you feel the same._

_I love you, Kate._

_Rick_

Kate groaned, dropped her head forward against the pillows.

"What?" Castle probed.

She lifted her head again. "I was such an idiot."

He shook his head. "No, not an idiot. We're allowed to have our insecurities."

"I know, but still. I just…I had no idea what I was doing. I mean…I never really…most of the fights I'd had were the end of the relationship," she admitted, struggling to find the words to convey her jumbled thoughts.

"What do you mean?"

Kate shrugged, already hating herself for steering the conversation in this direction. "Just that usually once a fight started I decided it wasn't worth it. I never _wanted _to work through it."

"Oh," Castle replied, at a loss of what else to say to something like that.

"Yeah."

"Didn't...didn't _they_ ever try to fight for it?"

Kate shrugged. "Will did. Josh...sort of did. I mean, he stayed in the country for me. But anyone else...not really. I guess they thought it wasn't worth it either."

"How could they not?" Castle exclaimed.

"Well I wasn't exactly the best girlfriend."

"But how could they..." he paused, swallowed hard, unable to wrap his mind around the scenario she was painting with her words. "How could they not be so in love with you that they'd do anything to hold onto you?"

Kate lifted her eyes to his sharply, both surprised at his question and confused as to why he was so adamantly taking her side. "Like you said," she replied, gesturing to the page, "it takes two people to hold a relationship together."

"Yeah, but..."

"And I didn't want to. I didn't deserve their love and I didn't really want it either," she answered rapidly, an attempt to put an end to this conversation as soon as possible.

"I...you...what?"

"Castle, please just drop it," Kate ordered, the words harsher than she intended.

"No," he shot back, hating to start another fight but unwilling to not understand. "No, not yet, because I'm trying to figure out how _you_ could ever not be deserving of someone's love."

"Because there was no chance of it being reciprocated," she snapped abruptly.

"I...uh...oh," Castle stammered, caught off-guard by her frank response. "You didn't...love Will? Or...anyone else?"

Kate suppressed an annoyed sigh. Obviously he wasn't planning to let this go. "Not since Royce," she mumbled, eyes averted, attempting to distance herself from the years spent hiding away with men who never stood a chance of reaching the depths of her heart.

When he didn't offer an answer, Kate slowly lifted her eyes to his, found bright blue staring back at her in surprise.

"I didn't know," he spoke finally, an understated reply.

"Love hurts," she offered as an explanation, aiming for nonchalance, but he could see what these admissions were costing her. "I didn't want to go through that."

Castle nodded, smiled as the implications washed over him. Because she used to avoid falling in love. But for him, she'd taken the leap.

"Thank you," he murmured, leaning in to press his lips to her forehead.

She opened her mouth to speak but he answered before she could ask. "For making me your exception."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	86. Secret Santa

_Author's Note: I never thought this day would come, but it has, and I'm all caught up. And it's weird not having a bajillion chapters to be working on. Obviously updates will be slower now, but I'm aiming to have a new chapter posted within 2-3 days after each new episode. In the meantime, thank you to you all for sticking with me!_

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><p><strong>Secret Santa<strong>

"Castle."

"Hmmm?" he hummed sleepily, curling further into the covers and into his bed partner, twining his limbs more tightly with hers.

He felt the soft touch of her finger as she traced a path down his cheek, over the line of his jaw, followed it with her lips.

"Kate," he murmured, voice husky with sleep. His eyes slid open slowly, blinking as they adjusted and came to focus on his fiancée, propped up on one elbow above him, outlined by the pale morning light.

"Come on," she encouraged softly, eyes gentle and loving. "We should get up."

She started to roll away, poised to get a head start on the Christmas festivities and the copious amounts of cooking that still needed to be done, but her imminent departure rapidly drew Castle out of his sleep-addled haze and into awareness.

"Wait," he blurted, reaching out to wrap his arms around her waist, not even close to being ready to let her go yet. Not on Christmas morning.

"Castle..."

"I want to give you something first," he explained hastily.

Kate rolled over in his arms, lifted her eyes to his. "I thought we weren't doing presents until after breakfast this year."

"Well it's not _exactly_ a present," he clarified. "Just..."

"Castle, you're not giving me an orgasm right before breakfast with your family," she stated firmly.

"That...wasn't the plan, but it's nice to see where your mind went," he teased.

Kate rolled her eyes.

"I'm not...saying no to your ide..." He was cut off by her finger over his lips, fell into silence.

"What did you wanna give me, Castle?" she asked gently.

He rolled away from her momentarily, returned holding their journal in one hand. He expertly flipped to the correct page and handed it to her. She took the book from him and her eyes automatically sought out the date on the top of the page. December twenty-sixth, two thousand and twelve. The day after their first Christmas together.

Kate lifted her eyes to his, smiled broadly. He was giving her his thoughts and feelings from their very first Christmas. Back when the holidays had conjured up a swirling maelstrom of confusion for her as she'd struggled to open herself to the Castle family traditions while simultaneously wanting to cling to her own.

It was so different now; they'd come so far. And she found she was really curious to see what he'd written.

He returned her smile before reaching out to pull her close, resting his temple against hers as they began to read.

_Dear Kate,_

_I don't think I can possibly thank you enough for coming over on Christmas Eve, for spending not only that night but also yesterday morning with us. I know it was probably overwhelming for you to walk in on another family's traditions and festivities, but it means more than you'll ever know that you were willing to take the leap. Because, Kate, whether you're ready to accept it or not, you're family now._

_I know, I know, I'm getting ahead of myself here. It's only been a few months, and I know we still have some things to iron out. But with each passing day it's getting harder and harder for me to hold back. There are things I'm dying to say to you, Kate, three little words in particular, and I know I've said them before but that was months ago and under very different circumstances and I just...I want to hold you in my arms and look you in the eyes and tell you how much I love you and how much it means to me to have celebrated Christmas with you. How much it means that you were willing to set aside your long-standing tradition so we could begin to make our own._

_I hope that together we can find a balance of mine, yours, and new traditions for the future._

_(And next year, I'll actually buy you a present. For this year, maybe I can make it up to you in other ways...)_

_Regardless, I'm glad you came over and ate dinner with us and smiled and laughed with us and shared your struggles with me as we laid in bed, wrapped up together in my sheets. And I'm glad that you allowed yourself to be open to the magic of the season. I know that was torn away from you so many years ago, but I'd like to think that being with my family maybe was able to help you believe again, even if it was only just a little bit._

_I can only hope that this is the first of a lifetime of Christmases that we spend together, b__ecause that would be the greatest gift I could ever ask for._

_I love you, Kate. So much._

_Rick_

"Thanks, Castle," Kate whispered, tilting her chin to capture his lips in a passionate kiss.

"You're welcome," he replied against her lips, voice low and husky, and maybe that orgasm before breakfast wouldn't be such a bad idea. If he didn't stop brushing his mouth over hers, soft and gentle, she wouldn't have a choice in the matter because she wouldn't be able to stop herself.

But then he was pulling away, placing the journal back on the nightstand and rolling out of bed. Kate forced herself into a seated position, eyes following his naked form as he crossed to the bathroom.

He paused in the doorway, turned to glance over his shoulder. The sheet had fallen down around her waist, and his eyes immediately found the bare skin of her chest, caressed the soft curves heatedly, luring her to him.

Well, in that case...

Kate climbed out of bed, crossed to him, and only once she neared did he finally force his eyes to slide back up to her face.

"See something you like?" she teased.

"I see my gorgeous fiancée, completely naked and about to climb in the shower with me," he answered sultrily, raising one eyebrow.

"Oh really?"

"Mmhmm," he replied, arms wrapping around her bare waist, pulling her flush against him and pressing a scorching kiss to her lips.

"And what if I wasn't planning to shower this morning?"

"What if I told you I had plans for a multi-tasking shower?" he shot back, not missing a beat.

It was her turn to raise an eyebrow. "Is that so?"

Castle stepped backwards into the bathroom, tugging her with him. He kicked the door shut, reached behind him with one arm to turn on the tap. His other arm was still secured around her, holding her to him as he moved about the room.

"Indeed," he replied, straightening up and replacing his other arm, allowing his fingers to wander over her bare skin.

"Well in that case," Kate teased suggestively, wriggling out of his arms and stepping into the steam-filled shower stall, "I'd be more than happy to join you."

Castle hurried in after her, sliding the door shut and trapping the warm humidity in, steam swirling around their bodies, though the majority of the heat wasn't a product of the shower.

He dipped his head to join their lips together, wasting no time in backing her into the wall, his intentions blatantly clear.

Kate sighed contentedly, relaxed into the warmth of the water and the steam and his body. She supposed there were worse ways to begin Christmas morning.

Castle seemed to share her train of thought, pressed an open-mouthed kiss to her neck, lingered there as he spoke against her skin.

"Best Christmas ever."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	87. Significant Others

_Author's Note: It's different writing directly after the ep airs when I have no clue what's coming next. So hopefully this doesn't completely screw me over for the upcoming episodes. *crosses fingers*_

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><p><strong>Significant Others<strong>

The journal lay untouched for a full week, seeing the light of day once again only as they spent the morning of January first cleaning the loft after the annual Castle New Year's Eve bash. It wasn't all that messy this year, thankfully, the party much more toned down than usual. But that was fine by all involved, because Castle had grown to enjoy not always being in the limelight and Kate was pretty sure that seventy guests was still quite a large number to have in the loft at one time.

There'd been food and drinks, dancing and karaoke, and she was pretty sure Esposito wasn't going to have much recollection of his off-key renditions of various songs. Probably not a bad thing to forget.

The whole crew from the precinct had been there as well as a smattering of Martha's acting friends and Alexis's closest friends. Castle had invited his poker buddies and of course the mayor and Judge Markaway had received invites as well.

All in all, it was a fantastically fun evening and the way that Castle had swooped in to wrap his arms around Kate approximately ten seconds before midnight, counting down to one and then pressing a deeply loving yet sweet kiss to her lips all but affirmed that the coming year promised to be the best yet.

Castle didn't leave her side after that point, spent the rest of the evening with at least one arm around her, stealing as many kisses as socially acceptable while hosting a party. Though all he truly wanted to do was sneak off to their bedroom and not leave until January second.

When he woke just after eight a.m. to the feeling of Kate's lips on his neck and hands exploring rather low on his abdomen, he began to consider that staying in bed all day and the next night might actually be possible.

Unfortunately, hunger coaxed them out of bed by ten o'clock because apparently, as Kate explained, 'you can't expect me to have four rounds of sex in eight hours and not be hungry.' And after groggily making their way to the kitchen, Castle became very aware of the mess scattered about the loft, one that couldn't very well stay there while he and Kate spent all day in bed.

He'd seen worse. Far worse, in fact, from his younger days. At least this time nothing was broken and there weren't shattered glass and beer cans and spilled alcohol all over the place.

But bowls of snacks and empty glasses and used plates, silverware, and napkins still adorned most of the flat surfaces in the main rooms. There were dishes all over the kitchen and a rather large collection of empty bottles on the counter. Castle's giant speakers were still out in the living room, and the pillows and cushions on all of the chairs were completely out of whack.

So after a breakfast of toast and hastily whipped-up scrambled eggs, they set about straightening things up. Which eventually led Castle back to their bedroom to retrieve the wine glasses they'd taken with them last night. Kate just so happened to choose that same moment to head to their bedroom in search of pants, which was how she'd wound up standing behind him, arms wrapped around his waist, head resting on his shoulder as he straightened up the nightstand, two empty glasses in one hand, journal in the other as he attempted to blow the dust off of the wooden surface.

"Hey," he murmured, nudging his temple against the top of her head.

"Hey," she replied softly, head still a bit fuzzy with lack of sleep and the lingering effects of the alcohol.

"Whatcha doing?"

"Seeing what you were up to," Kate answered. "And finding more clothes. I'm cold."

"You know," Castle began, a teasing lilt in his voice, "I could think of another way to warm you up."

Because the loft was clean enough, and there were more important things than finishing the dishes right at this moment.

"Oh yeah? What's that?" she asked, aiming a raised eyebrow at him as he set aside the glasses, turned to face her.

"Well there's a giant bed right here next to us. And I'm told I'm a comfortable pillow."

"And what exactly do you propose we do in said bed?"

"Round five, really?" he asked, sinking into a seated position on the edge of the bed and reaching one arm out to tug her by the waist, guide her to stand in the vee of his legs.

"Well if you're not up for it..."

Castle flopped onto his back, his grip on Kate's waist tugging her down with him. He wasn't averse to her idea. He just...needed a couple hours.

"You're insatiable, you know that?" he teased.

Kate scoffed. "Oh, and you aren't?"

"Well..."

She snorted, rolled her eyes. Because she had proof of exactly how insatiable he could be at times.

"Come on," Castle ceded after a moment, twisted around so they were laying the right direction in their bed, settled the covers over their mostly-bare legs.

"What?" she asked softly, her exhausted body melting into his.

He lifted his left hand, which still held the journal, settled it on the covers atop their legs.

Starting off the new year with his words. Well, technically, they'd started it off with sex. And now his words. How very...appropriate.

Kate smirked to herself at the thought, cuddled up into his warmth as he turned to the bookmark, smoothed down the page.

_Dear Kate,_

_First of all, thank you. For not kicking me to the curb for handling this situation with a complete lack of thought or foresight. It clearly wasn't my best decision ever and I didn't handle things well at all. So thank you for not holding that against me too badly. I'll make it up to you, I promise._

_But thank you also for not just letting me off the hook. If we're going to do this, really do this, it's only fair of you to call me out on things. Because you deserve better and I guess sometimes I forget that. And I'm sorry._

_While I'm at it, I'm sorry for letting Meredith stay with us. I'm sorry for not handling it better and for not just putting my foot down and saying no right off the bat. I'm sorry, Kate. Because the truth is, I was really looking forward to having you stay for a few days. Just the two of us. It would have been like a test run for the future...for the day that I finally convince you to move in with me because I know that's where we're headed. I know that this is forever. But that's why I can be patient. Because I know that it will happen eventually._

_I'd just hoped that these few days would have served to prove that we could do it. That we could live together and still be in a relationship and not drive each other crazy. Well, not any more so than normal, I guess._

_Instead, it proved that I'm an ass with two ex-wives who's apparently still not completely immune to Meredith's charms. Obviously I'm no saint, and you know that, but I don't exactly like to go around parading that fact. Which is what I feel like ended up happening._

_Basically, it did nothing in my favor. And I sincerely hope that it didn't destroy everything we've built._

_Because the truth is, I'm a little worried now. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but your dinner with Meredith has me panicked. I know, I know, you said that what she said made you 'like me a little more now.' And I'm thrilled to hear that. But at the same time, it made me realize how much you don't know about me. Some of it, I think you should know, deserve to know, because we're dating and it's not right of me to hold back. But some of it, I don't necessarily want you to know, because it highlights the sides of me that I'm not particularly proud of. The sides of me that you despised when we first met. Unfortunately, those categories aren't necessarily mutually exclusive._

_Which is why I'm worried. Because maybe she said something to you that got to you or that piqued your curiosity, and maybe you're going to ask me about it soon (granted, it's Meredith, so whatever she said may just be a dramatic exaggeration). And it wouldn't be right for me to withhold the answers, not after how far I've dug into your life. If I know your secrets, it's only fair that you know mine. I just hope that when you do find out, it won't change your opinion of me._

_If it does, I guess I'll just have to fight that much harder to change it back. Because I love you, Kate. Even if you're not there yet, I love you. And you're worth it. And I will do whatever it takes to convince you that I'm not the same guy I was when I got married. Or divorced. Thanks to you, I'm a better man._

_Now I just have to cross my fingers and hope that you still see that._

_Love,_

_Rick_

"I do, Castle," she murmured, almost to herself.

"Huh?"

"I do see that," she reiterated, knowing that he knew better now but still feeling the need to reaffirm it.

"Good," he breathed, holding her tighter.

"We all make mistakes," Kate continued.

"Yeah, but not all of them are as big as mine were," he pointed out.

"Castle." Kate lifted her head, sought out his eyes. "You learned from them. And that's what matters. And if I didn't firmly believe that, we wouldn't be here right now."

"I know."

Kate nodded, thankful that they'd already had this fight and seemed to have resolved things well enough the first time that it was no longer an issue.

Sure, she'd already grown to hate the media sources that were dubbing her 'soon-to-be wife number three.' And sure, she wasn't particularly fond of the fact that she was in fact going to be wife number three. For the most part, she simply thought of herself as Castle's fiancée. The one who was actually in love with him and would never cheat on him and she knew that the feelings were very much reciprocated.

But there was still the occasional moment of weakness where she wished, so badly, that she could be the one and only.

"Kate," Castle called, bringing her back.

"Hmmm?"

"You're thinking really loudly."

She shrugged, shook her head, not really wanting to bring it up. "It's fine."

"It's not," Castle pressed, knowing her well enough to recognize her expression for what it was; insecure but reluctant to admit it. He gently tilted her chin up to his, met her eyes. "Talk to me."

She shook her head out of his grasp, averted her eyes again as she fought to find the right words to convey her point yet not turn this into an argument.

"I guess I just," she began, trailed off again. "I always thought that the person I married would be in the same situation as me, you know? Never been married before, no kids from previous relationships. Things like that. And I mean...I _know_ that's not the case with you. I knew that when I started dating you and I accepted that. And for the most part, I don't let it bother me. But sometimes it just...I start thinking, you know?"

"Is this about the article the other week?"

The one that labeled her as, '_Future w__ife number three. But the real question is, will there someday be a number four?'_

"Maybe a little," she answered with a shrug.

Castle sighed heavily, ran a hand roughly through his hair, over the stubble accumulating on his jaw. He'd never been much of one to live with regrets, but at the moment he was _very seriously_ regretting the haphazard and not-well-thought-out decisions of his younger self. He turned to face her, to meet her eyes as he answered.

"I'm sorry, Kate," he answered softly, not knowing where else to start. "I'm so sorry that I can't be that person for you, because I desperately want to be. But I can't change the past. I can promise you, though, that this one is different. I know that, and I hope you know that too by now. This one is forever, Kate."

She nodded slowly, still wrapped up in thought, in her insecurities. She did know that. And yet now that the conversation was under way, now that she'd given voice to these fears, the nagging insecurities were creeping up on her despite her best efforts to suppress them.

Maybe they hadn't resolved everything as well as she thought. Or maybe she was just being irrational. Either way, now that this had begun, she needed answers.

"But...you thought that before too, right?" she hedged, cursing Meredith's words because it may have been three years ago but those few words were obviously still festering in the depths of her subconscious. And Kate hated herself for it, too, for allowing the words of a flighty, unfaithful actress to have any kind of impact on her, especially because she knew better now.

"In a way," Castle answered truthfully. "With Meredith, I was too young and too panicked to think it through beyond the fact that she was pregnant and our child should be raised in a proper family. With Gina, I figured that since she wasn't like Meredith, we'd make it last. But with you," he reached out, took her hands in his, fingers softly stroking the contours of her engagement band, "I know. I've thought it through. I've learned. And I know. It's not because you're young and pregnant or because you're the opposite of my ex. It's because you're amazing and inspirational and because I love who I am when I'm with you. And that's something I haven't been able to say in a very long time."

By the time he finished his mini speech, Kate's eyes were focused on their joined hands, staunchly avoiding his gaze. Because she was ashamed for doubting him, for the fact that any little part of her still doubted him after the countless ways he'd proven his love over the last few years. And she could feel the tears prickling the corners of her eyes, tears of frustration at herself for the fact that this conversation was even necessary.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, shaking her head at herself. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't...I shouldn't have doubted you. I just...you can't change it, I know. And I'll have to just make peace with it."

"I wish I could," Castle spoke as she paused to take a breath. "I wish with all my heart that when I marry you, I'd be able to say that you're the only person I've ever made those promises with. I wish I'd had the patience to wait until the right person came along instead of screwing it up twice. But as much as I wish that could be the case, I can never regret Alexis or all of the valuable lessons I learned along the way."

"I know," Kate assured him, lifting watery eyes to his. Because she wouldn't expect otherwise from him.

"Granted, I'm sure there were better ways I could have learned said lessons," he offered with a grimace, an attempt to dispel some of the tension.

It had somewhat of the desired effect, as Kate released a brief chuckle before becoming serious once more.

"I'm sorry, Castle," she said once again. "For doubting you. I should...I should know better by now."

"We're all entitled to our insecurities," he pointed out. "I'm not saying that one didn't sting a bit, because it did. It does."

"But you've never doubted us like that," Kate insisted. He wasn't letting her off the hook and she was determined to hold herself accountable as well. He shouldn't have to deal with the resurfacing of her old issues, not at this point.

"I have," he admitted. "At times. I spent the better part of our first year together terrified that I'd screw things up and you'd leave me. I was terrified, Kate. I didn't...I guess I didn't completely trust you. Or myself. So yes, I have had my doubts."

She felt a stab of pain at his words, at hearing his thoughts, and yet at the same time it was oddly comforting to know that she wasn't alone in her struggles. Although at this point in the relationship, she seemed to be the only one still harboring doubts. And that needed to change. Now.

"But not anymore," Castle continued, tone firm and secure, completely confident. "No more doubts."

Kate felt the same, made a silent promise to herself to permanently shut down those thoughts and any others that may try to make themselves known in the future.

She loved him. She was going to marry him, ex-wives or not. Because he was different now, and she knew that. Believed that.

When she spoke again, she hoped he could hear in her voice how fiercely she believed in him, in them, in their future.

"No more doubts, Castle."

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><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	88. Under The Influence

_Author's Note: Thank you to everyone who sent me suggestions for this chapter and to Andy for convincing me that it made any sense._

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><p><strong>Under The Influence<strong>

"Hey," Castle murmured, stepping up behind Kate, melding his back to her chest and pressing his lips to her hair. She was seated at a bar stool in the kitchen and the height difference allotted a perfect opportunity to engulf her with his arms, chin coming to rest on her shoulder as his warm body surrounded her.

"Hey," she replied softly, eyes lifting as she tilted her head back to seek out his lips.

"You're reading?" he asked in surprise as they separated, taking in the mug of coffee on her left, the journal settled on the surface in front of her.

"Yeah."

"Out here?"

She shrugged. "It was sitting right over there."

He turned his head, followed her line of vision to the other end of the counter. Right. Because he'd been drinking coffee this morning when he was overwhelmed with the sudden urge to write about their last case, so he'd dashed off to retrieve the journal and the nearest pen. Kate was still asleep and he hadn't wanted to disturb her on her one day to sleep in so in his haste he'd simply grabbed both journals rather than taking the time to discern the difference in the dark and taken them back to the kitchen. And there at the bar, with his steaming mug of coffee, he'd allowed the words to flow, rapidly scrawling his thoughts across the page.

"Yeah, I was writing earlier."

"Figured."

He lightly swatted at her arm but she caught his fingers between hers, twined their hands together on her stomach.

He nuzzled his nose into her neck, pressed his lips to her skin before settling in to read over her shoulder.

_Dear Kate,_

_This last case really got me thinking. I guess that's normally what happens when we find the killer, find out why they thought that murder was the answer. I mean, it usually makes sense...in a twisted way, of course, but at least there's a reason for it. And it always gets me thinking...curse of a writer's brain._

_I guess there was a reason this time too, though it seemed ridiculous and petty to me. But no matter the reason, it still always makes me think about that person's character, their life, their past, how it all culminated in taking someone's life._

_That's what I do in my books, I suppose. I explore the characters, figure out what makes them make the decisions they do, what makes them snap and resort to murder._

_But what really got me thinking this time was not so much the murder as it was the robberies. The missing jewelry and the cell phone and the poor young kid who'd been pulled into a life of crime by a man he truly believed was looking out for him. An innocent boy whose life was being ruined because he didn't know any better and he didn't have anyone to guide him in the right direction. And I just kept thinking, what if he had someone?_

_What if whatever Esposito has said to him over the last few days actually makes a difference, helps this kid turn his life around._

_Which then led to me thinking about the what-ifs in my own life. What if I hadn't found solace in writing at a young age? I very well could have ended up like Joey, young and naïve and roped into something of which I didn't understand the consequences._

_Other things too. Like what if my father had stuck around? What if Meredith hadn't gotten pregnant when we were so young. What if I hadn't gotten married or hadn't gotten divorced? What if I hadn't become a writer, or you hadn't become a cop?_

_What if I'd never met you?_

_I could go on all day, which is why this is a dangerous train of thought. But I still can't help but think that no matter the what-if scenarios, I wouldn't go back and change a thing because in the end, every choice we made ended up leading us to each other._

_And being with you is the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. The happiness you bring to my life, the love I feel for you...it's overwhelming and amazing and I wouldn't trade it for the world._

_Although I wouldn't mind regaining the time I lost the other night watching Valentine's Day. Seriously. I'm a bit embarrassed on your behalf for liking that movie. Nevertheless, I still love you._

_Now I can't help but wonder what you would say if I told you again..._

_Love,_

_Rick_

Kate felt a pang of regret as she thought back to those first months of their relationship, all the words they were holding back. In fact, in retrospect she was surprised Castle had managed to keep his mouth shut for as long as he did. Because he was crazily in love with her and, at times, not overly patient when it came to biting his tongue.

Although with her he'd managed levels of patience Kate wasn't sure even she possessed.

"I'd say 'I love you too,'" she murmured, tilting her chin to press her lips to the underside of his jaw.

She felt his arm tighten around her waist, fingers of his left hand digging into her opposite hip as her lips brushed his skin.

"Even when you make me watch awful movies," she added teasingly, eyes sparkling as she looked up at him through her lashes.

"Hey now, my movie choices are always exceptional."

Kate rolled her eyes. "Really now?"

He nodded innocently, though the motions of his fingers against the skin of her hip were anything but.

She scoffed. "Right.

"I seem to recall some of those movie nights ending very well," he pointed out, fingers growing bolder and bolder, dipping beneath the waistband of her pants and she was absolutely _not_ wriggling under his touch.

"P...possibly," she panted, subconsciously arching into his touch.

"Possibly? Was that why you told me that I was going to have to buy you a new scarf so you didn't have to keep wearing the same ones?" he asked smugly, dipping his head to nip at her earlobe.

"I said no," she barely bit back a gasp as his teeth sunk into the soft flesh, "such thing."

The whimper that fell from her mouth when he suddenly removed his hands from her body, however, couldn't be contained.

"Problem?" he asked, and she knew that his smug smile was probably growing smugger by the second at this point.

"Of course not," she lied, attempting to appear unfazed, as though she hadn't just been quickly reduced to mush by Castle's lips and hands.

His arms settled back around her then and she could feel him smile into her hair as he cradled her gently, the teasing and smugness replaced by a wave of pure love. Because he loved that he could rile her up so easily. And he loved how she tried so hard to pretend that wasn't the case.

But he also loved that she let him, that she trusted him enough to relinquish control, to be so completely open and vulnerable around him.

As he rested his chin on her shoulder his gaze fell back to the journal, still lying open on the bar. His eyes traced the words from two years earlier, his mind falling back into a similar train of thought, contemplating the numerous alternative scenarios not just of his life, but of theirs.

What if there'd been no Gina or Josh, what if he'd kissed her sooner? What if she'd never been shot?

(He refused to think of the alternate scenarios surrounding her shooting. Every time he did, he wound up with tears in his eyes at the mere thought of all they would have missed out on.)

What if she hadn't come back to him that night, dripping wet with apologies flowing from her lips? Or what if they'd never fought in the first place? Would they have carried on as usual? Or would they still have wound up together?

"You're thinking pretty loudly back there," Kate murmured, nudging him in the side with her elbow.

"Sorry," he replied hastily, shaking his head to clear his thoughts.

"Anything I can help with?"

She felt him shrug behind her. "Just...wondering what would have happened if things had gone differently between us."

"Differently how?" Kate inquired. She knew from experience that going down this type of path could be dangerous. But she was also curious as to his thoughts on the matter.

"Just...if you hadn't had a run-in with Maddox or something. Would you still have come back to me?"

She nodded thoughtfully, carefully considering her words. "Yes," she began, because of that she was certain. "Eventually, at least. I couldn't have stayed away even if I wanted to. But it would have been...messier, probably."

"Messier?"

"You know how sometimes it takes a moment of terror to make everything else seem clear?"

Castle nodded, chin nudging against her shoulder.

"On the roof with Maddox...that was one of those moments. I knew I loved you and I knew I wanted you but not until I faced the prospect of losing those possibilities did I realize that it was as simple as just taking the leap. That maybe all the other reasons why I'd convinced myself I wasn't ready weren't all that significant in the end."

He nodded thoughtfully, allowing her words to sink in.

"Was there a moment for you?" she mused, squeezing his hand tenderly.

He paused, considered. "The first time I kissed you."

She swiveled around on the stool to face him more fully now. "In the alley?"

Castle nodded. "I mean, I wanted you from day one. I realized a few weeks in that it was more than just physical attraction that I felt for you. But I think I hesitated to admit that I was actually in love with you until I kissed you. After that I really just couldn't deny it, you know?"

Kate felt her cheeks heat up as she thought of that kiss, an undercover moment turned real despite her best efforts to remain unaffected and detached.

It may have been four years ago but she could still remember every detail.

And judging by the desire in his eyes, so could he.

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	89. Death Gone Crazy

_Author's Note: Because there is no new episode next week, there will not be another update of this fic either. In the meantime, you can find me on Tumblr and Twitter. Links are on my profile._

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><p><strong>Death Gone Crazy<strong>

"Castle."

No response.

"Castle." Louder this time but still nothing.

Kate cleared her throat emphatically, finally garnering his attention. Castle snapped his eyes back up to her face, unaware that they'd been fixed on her cleavage in the first place as his mind drifted through various intimate moments between them.

Her eyes were on him, one eyebrow raised, though the slight flush in her cheeks told him that she was more affected by his ogling than she wanted to admit.

"Problem?" he teased, regaining his composure as hers was slipping away.

"No," she stammered.

He rested a hand on her upper thigh, not at all innocent. Neither was the heady darkness of his eyes. "Are you sure?"

She nodded faintly, fighting for control, because she was supposed to be the one teasing him for staring at her chest and undressing her with his eyes, focused so intently that he didn't even hear her calling his name.

Except the way he was looking at her managed to throw her completely off her game instead.

Her eyes flicked down to his hand and back up, subtle but not enough to keep Castle from noticing. His thumb trailed enticing patterns over her bare skin, eyes boring into hers.

Kate was fairly sure that her clothing would have disappeared rather quickly had a key not turned in the lock right then, startling both of them apart and effectively ruining the moment. The front door opened to reveal Alexis, laden with laundry and her school bag.

Kate whirled around on the bar stool as soon as the girl stepped inside, eyes falling back to the journal as Castle stepped up behind her once again. His arms were wrapped a little too low on her hips to be completely innocent but at least he no longer looked like he was ready to tear her clothes off.

Although he usually was, no matter what the situation. They both were. On most lazy days at home, clothing was kept to a minimum.

Kate felt him loosen his grip slightly and turn to greet his daughter, heard him press a kiss to her cheek. Kate returned Alexis' greeting when it was offered but her eyes remained fixed on the journal because she was fairly certain that if she actually looked up, she was either going to be kiss-ambushed by Castle or so blatantly aroused that the girl would be able to guess exactly what she'd just about walked in on.

So she focused instead on the letter and soon found herself drawn back in. And as Alexis headed for the stairs, Castle readjusted behind his fiancée, settled his chin on her shoulder and joined in.

_Dear Kate,_

_I have so many things to say tonight. So many. And I'm not even sure where to start._

_I guess I'll begin with the most pressing question, which is where and when did you have hot and dirty night-club-bathroom sex? And why was I not invited?_

_Also, when can we re-create that experience?_

_I'll admit, I've done it...and I guess I shouldn't be so surprised that you have too, because you seem to have done your fair share of wild things back in the day. I just didn't figure you for a night club sex kind of girl._

_Not the first time I've underestimated your propensity for the wild and daring activities._

_But back to my original point, which is that I'm very much looking forward to this hypothetical excursion now. You can wear that little black dress that barely covers your ass and I certainly wouldn't complain if you decided to forgo underwear entirely. Makes my job easier._

_On the other hand, maybe propositioning a cop to have sex in a semi-public place isn't the smartest idea I've ever had. At least we'd get arrested together, though prison-sex isn't high on my priority list._

_But I digress._

_Reverting to my original string of questions, you were never a part of College Girls Gone Crazy, right? Don't get me wrong...you're hot as hell and watching you dance in skimpy clothing is would probably be of the sexiest things I've ever seen. But I wouldn't want anyone else to see you like that._

_I know, I know, I'm being possessive and overbearing, as you sometimes like to remind me. But I'm just so proud to finally be with you and you make me so happy and I'm so in love with you and I'm possessive of our relationship because I don't ever want to lose it. And I don't like feeling as though it's being endangered._

_Maybe it makes me insecure, but when I see you checking out other guys who are built like I'll never be, I get jealous. Because I'll never look like them, and what happens when you decide you'd rather upgrade to the better-looking model? Where does that leave me?_

Kate's heart broke to read of his insecurities, unfounded though they may be. Because she remembered thinking that she was the insecure one in their relationship but it had been evident for quite some time now that it ran both ways.

That she wasn't the only one who'd spent the early months of their relationship dreading the moment where it all fell apart.

"Never gonna upgrade," she murmured, her words cutting through the silence that had settled back over the room.

"You better not," he husked, possessive and hot and maybe she pretended to be annoyed by it at one time, but she secretly loved the fiery passion that his jealousy and possessiveness almost always led to.

She shivered at the thought but forced herself to keep reading.

_Which brings me to the more serious side of my thoughts tonight. Because what the producer said about Beau hit a little too close to home for me. Something about "looking for something he was never going to find." I never really saw my own life that way, mainly because I never knew my father and it never bothered me, so why would I search for him? Why would it change my life? You can't miss what you never had._

_Or maybe you can. Maybe I did the same thing as Beau, though it manifested in a different way. Obviously I've had my fair share of flings and one-night stands. And marriages. I always just thought I wound up divorced because I made some bad decisions. And I opted for non-relationship forms of interaction because it was easier and less emotional and less painful._

_But now that I think back, I think that I've always craved stability. That's why I married Meredith; because I wanted a family and I wanted Alexis to have the stable childhood I never had. I married Gina because I wanted a mother for Alexis. Again, stability. And love. Neither of which I experienced much of as a kid._

_Maybe I wasn't all that different from Beau._

_Until you._

_I want to be clear that I'm not dating you for the same reason as I did my ex-wives. I'm dating you because I love you and because you bring me such joy and because you make me want to be a better man. I don't know where I'd be if I'd never met you and I have no idea what I'd do without you._

_I hope that you can see that. I hope you know that you're all I've ever wanted and more._

_And that I love you. So much,_

_Rick_

"I think I did that too," Kate admitted softly.

"What do you mean?" Castle probed, curious.

"Becoming a detective. Working my way to homicide because I needed that justice, that closure. Or, at least, I thought I did."

He nodded thoughtfully.

"I don't regret it," she continued. "I just...it was what I thought I needed, you know? I didn't realize I'd never really find what I was looking for just by solving her case."

They'd talked this over long ago. Had come to terms with their pasts and walls and weaknesses. Their misconceptions about themselves and about each other. At this point, there wasn't much more to say.

So rather than replying, he simply held her closer, breathed her in, knowing that whatever they'd been missing before, they'd long since found.

Here. With each other.

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><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	90. Recoil

_Author's Note: (1) For anyone who missed it, I posted another outtake chapter in Sweetest Words last week. And (2) for the sake of this fic, we're going to pretend Bracken has been taken down by the end of season 5 or early season 6._

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><p><strong>Recoil<strong>

"Keep going?" Castle murmured.

Kate shrugged. She had the day off. She had nowhere to be. And she really had no desire to change out of her pajamas, unless it involved climbing into the shower with Castle. Or back into bed with him.

Though after last night she might need a few more hours before _that _happened again. The combination of an early close followed by a day off had left Castle rather...exuberant.

Not that Kate was really complaining. The things she'd done to him.

The things she'd let him do to her…

"Kate."

She startled, cheeks flushing as she realized she'd been more than a little caught up in reliving last night. And this morning, technically, considering that round four happened somewhere around five a.m.

"Hmmm?" she asked.

"I lost you for a second there."

She bit her lip, smirked to herself. If only he knew how much time her mind spent picturing the two of them naked.

"Sorry, just...thinking," she offered, giving nothing away.

"Anything I can help with?"

Kate shook her head. He'd helped _plenty _with that last night.

From the way Castle's arms tightened around her, fingers dancing dangerously close to the underside of her bra, she had a feeling he knew exactly where her mind had gone.

Probably because his was right there with her, and how was it exactly that they'd spent the last half hour bouncing between wanting to tear each other's clothes off and having actual semi-serious conversations?

Only with Castle did such a rapid back-and-forth not seem completely strange or out of the ordinary.

"Come on," Kate spoke softly, covered her hand with his on her ribs, squeezing gently. "Let's read some more."

He lifted his other hand to cover hers, sandwiching it between his, and she nudged her temple against his, sighed contentedly. There was just something about lazy days with Castle and his words that she could never quite get enough of.

With her free hand she reached down to flip the page, smoothed down the edges as her eyes began tracing the neatly-scrawled patterns of black ink.

_Dear Kate,_

_I don't even know what to think anymore. This whole situation has just gotten so complicated, in more ways than one. And at this point, I really don't know where I stand. Because this case is wrapped up in so many secrets and lies and it's only a matter of time before it all unravels. I already had to lie to Gates yesterday when she overheard your interrogation with McManus. She asked if what you said to him was true and I told her no, because what else could I say, really? But I think she has her suspicions. I think she knows there's more to this than she understands and I have a feeling she's going to find out eventually. And then what happens?_

_I know there's a lot that's been said between you and Bracken about which I have no idea. And considering that you're both still alive and there are no new injuries, I can only assume that things were handled in a civil manner. Which is good, because I'm really not a fan of your life being in any more danger than it already is. But that doesn't mean I like it._

_I know you struggled during this case. I know you were waging an internal battle about which road to take. And I'm proud of you for handling it the way you did, for doing the right thing instead of the thing that you and I both wanted to do. So damn proud. Personally, I'm not sure I'd have been able to make the same decisions. I'm not sure what that says about me. Maybe I'm not as morally straight as I like to think I am when it comes to this kind of thing. Maybe that's why I'm just a writer and not actually a cop, because in my books I can end things the way I want and not actually be dubbed a murderer._

"Castle," Kate whispered, lifting her eyes momentarily.

He hummed his acknowledgement.

"You're not 'just a writer,'" she assured him. "You could never be just a writer."

"But I am, Kate," he protested. "It's what I've spent my life doing."

"I know," she agreed, nodding slowly. "I know. But you make it sound so insignificant and it's not. Not when your words have reached millions of people. Not when they change lives. Or save lives."

He shrugged complacently. "I guess."

She swiveled around on the bar stool again, gently touched his chin to guide his eyes to hers. "I don't just guess, Castle. I know. I know what power your words can have."

He smiled, touched by her reassurance, but it did nothing to assuage the underlying struggle he'd faced in the aftermath of this case as he fought with the reality of how passionately he wanted Bracken dead. How he wrestled with the realization that in Kate's position, he probably wouldn't have been able to make the right decision.

It was all moot at this point but it still haunted him at times, how willing he'd been to sit back and let the bomb go off, let the real murderer get away because Bracken would have been dead.

"Come on," he urged, slipped his chin off of her finger and dropped his eyes back to the page. He really just did _not_ want to think about this right now.

Kate hesitated, debated saying more, but Castle's eyes were already flitting back and forth across the page again and it was evident that he was done discussing the matter for now.

She turned back around, rested one elbow on the counter, chin in her hand, and picked up where she left off.

_Either way, I do know that I wish the bomb had gone off sooner or that we hadn't figured it out so quickly because Bracken doesn't deserve to live to see another day. He's killed numerous people and he deserves to pay._

_I know that your quick thinking yesterday saved thousands of innocent lives. I just wish he hadn't made it out unharmed._

_We're getting closer to getting him. I know we are. With every little thing that comes up, I can feel us getting closer and closer. And that's a good thing. It's like you said; if we're patient enough, he's bound to slip up and when he does, we'll be ready. But I just wish we'd been able to put this all to rest yesterday. I know I sound hypocritical because I was the one telling you to walk away from this case last year. But even when you did, it came right back to us with a vengeance and now we can't get away from it even if we try._

_And I know you, Kate. I know that no matter how much distance you attempt to put between yourself and this case that it's still going to be there. It's still going to be hanging over your head, a constant reminder of all that you've lost and all that you've never been able to find._

_I know that bringing him to justice won't bring back what you've lost, but hopefully it will bring you some sort of peace. Which is why we need to bring him down, once and for all._

_I hope that someday soon you trust me enough to tell me exactly what was said and done between the two of you. I hope that you're willing to tell me everything you know, because I want to help you, Kate. I want to be by your side every step of the way._

_I said it the other night and I'll say it again; you're remarkable, Kate. I constantly admire the voracity with which you fight for what's good and right. The way your faith in what you do is so unwavering. Even the way you struggled through this one, because it means that even though you very easily could have taken Bracken down or sat back and watched him get blown up, you still felt that underlying concern for the victims of this case. And you put that above your own need for justice._

_I don't know many people who would have made that decision._

_You're extraordinary, Kate, and I'm going to keep telling you that until you believe it._

_Love,_

_Rick_

Kate released a long, slow breath as she finished reading, dropped her head into both hands.

"How do I always manage to mess things up so badly?" she asked in a low voice.

"You didn't, Kate," he answered firmly. "You did the right thing."

She breathed out a heavy sigh, and Castle stepped around to her side, slipped one arm around her waist while the other guided her to his chest. She lifted her head from her hands, freeing her arms to wrap around him as she rested her head against the soft muscles below his collarbone. He dipped his chin to rest his cheek against the top of her head, brushed a soft kiss against her forehead.

Kate smiled against him, held him that much tighter.

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><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	91. Reality Star Struck

_Author's Note: So obviously this is way overdue and for that I apologize. Apparently there are only so many hours in a day and apparently I'm expected to spend all of them doing obscene amounts of school work. Le sigh. I hope this chapter makes up for the long wait and that it helps mend your shattered hearts from Monday night's ep._

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><p><strong>Reality Star Struck<strong>

"So," Lanie stated determinedly, passing the evidence folder to Kate while changing the subject away from the murder at hand, "plans for Valentine's Day?"

Kate opened her mouth to reply, found herself caught up in memories. It'd been a couple weeks since she and Castle had had a chance to read from the journal but after a relatively early close two nights ago they'd found themselves with time to spare and were once again drawn in by the pull of his words.

_Dear Kate,_

_I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I've spent most of the last nine months feeling that way simply because we've finally had the chance to be together. But this...this is everything, Kate._

_I've never forgotten that afternoon in the radiation tent when you confessed that you weren't happy with Josh. When you admitted to having one foot out the door in your relationship with him. I never asked but I had a feeling even at the time that this wasn't the first time you'd found yourself in that situation. I'm not judging you. Not at all. I completely understand why you chose that path._

_Which is why I also understand the pure depths of your gift to me last night. Because giving me a place in your home..._

_I won't lie and say I'm not dying to hear you verbalize those three words that I'm fairly certain you feel but aren't ready to say. Because I am. I see it in your eyes and I feel it in the way you touch me and kiss me. I can tell that the feeling is there, and I can be patient. I can wait until you're ready because I don't want you to feel pressured. But at the same time, I'm so excited for the day you say the words aloud so that I can say them back and know that you're ready to hear them. I'm ready for the day when it doesn't have to be this unspoken secret, when we can have memories of me expressing my feelings that aren't tarnished by the low points of our relationship._

_I want to be able to kiss you and tell you that I love you every single night before we fall asleep, every morning when we wake._

_I know that it will come with time, though. I believe in that. In you._

_And though you haven't spoken the words, your gift to me tonight...that says it all, Kate. It says more than anything else you've ever said or done. I know you well enough to know that giving someone a drawer in your dresser isn't something you'd take lightly. It's not something you'd do for just anyone, even if you were dating them._

_And I told you as much last night but I want to be sure that you know just how much that means to me, Kate. It's the sweetest, most thoughtful, most romantic gift anyone has ever given me._

_(By the way, you definitely won this round of gift-giving. Granted, mine didn't quite go as planned.)_

_But I digress._

_At this point I could go on and on and turn this into another one of my rambling, sappy love letters because that's kind of how I'm feeling at the moment. But I won't, because I think you proved last night that sometimes a few words speak louder than many. So instead I will leave it at this:_

_Thank you._

_I love you._

_Happy Valentine's Day._

_Rick_

"Kate."

"Hmmm?"

Lanie raised an eyebrow at her friend and Kate felt heat rush to her cheeks as she realized she'd just been caught fantasizing about Castle's words...and what his words had led to.

"I asked if you had plans for Valentine's Day."

She shook her head, forced herself back into reality. "Right. Yes, we do."

"And," Lanie pressed.

"And what?"

"What does writer boy have planned?"

Kate smiled thinking back again to last night, to the conversation that followed the reading of the letter. Valentine's Day was still a week off but Castle's natural exuberance had led to a very spirited debate about plans for the day.

Their first year was spent as a quiet evening at her apartment. Well, not entirely quiet, actually, Kate thought with a blush.

"We're just staying in," she answered quickly, putting an end to that train of thought before her mind had a chance to take it any further.

Lanie smirked. "I see."

"No not...not like that," Kate spluttered. "I mean, it probably will be like that. You know. Obviously. But he took me out last year so this year we're staying in and I'm cooking."

Her friend nodded approvingly. "Intimate and romantic. You know, sometimes you two are too sickeningly sweet for your own good."

Kate rolled her eyes, turned to head for the door. She had a murder to solve, after all, and she wasn't exactly in the mood for her friend's incessant questioning.

As the double doors swung closed behind her, she heard Lanie's parting words echoing down the cement hallway.

"I expect details next week."

* * *

><p>"How's writing going?"<p>

Castle startled from his daydream at the sound of Kate's voice, guiltily shoved his laptop closed. Not that he was hiding anything from her. There was nothing to see, really, because every time he got an idea he ended up writing sappy paragraph after sappy paragraph. Not something of which his editors would approve.

So he'd deleted it and started over. Three times in a row. And he still had nothing.

"It's uh...fine," he lied.

Kate raised an eyebrow, crossed to his desk and perched on the edge next to him, long legs temptingly close to his arm.

"Really?"

"Sort of..." he hedged.

"You're writing a sex scene, aren't you?" she probed. He always tried to hide those from her, though she wasn't exactly sure why. She was going to read them eventually.

"No," he refuted, voice losing all hesitant tendencies. "No, I was writing..." Castle sighed. "Nothing. I've written nothing."

"But I thought..."

She tried to drag him into the shower with her half an hour ago but he declined, claiming a sudden burst of inspiration which, after a pinch to his ear, he promised did _not_ involve shower sex.

But it might as well have, because he was in such a lovey-dovey mood that he was apparently incapable of writing anything other than sappy romance. Certainly not appropriate considering that Nikki and Rook were currently on a surveillance mission in a seedy part of town.

"I know," he admitted. "I had an idea. It was right there. But the words just...wouldn't come out."

Kate hummed her acknowledgement, alluringly crossed her legs, resting her foot against the side of his chair. The soft robe she'd pulled on after her shower slid up just slightly, revealing the bare side of her upper thigh, and that was all it took to completely distract Castle from any semblance of writing.

Kate smirked.

"Writer's block?" she teased.

"Oh no," he shot back, not missing a beat. Castle lifted a hand to rest on her thigh, fingers trailing up the inside of her leg, a tantalizing, arousing pattern. "Plenty of words in my head. They're just...not entirely appropriate."

She raised an eyebrow again. "Really now?"

"Mmhmm," he answered dreamily. "Every sentence is infused with this memory of a very sexy woman in very sexy lingerie doing some very...inappropriate...things to me last night."

"And who was this," she lowered her voice, "sexy woman?"

"You might know her," he offered with a shrug, fingers slipping higher and higher, flirting with the crease of her thigh, and she bit down on the inside of her cheek but she knew Castle knew what he was doing to her. "She's really hot. Brown curly hair, gorgeous body, eyes that are this mixture of green and brown and so completely mesmerizing that I just..."

One hand jerked out to fist in his shirt, tug him closer, and then his words were cut off by her lips on his, hot and passionate and so needy.

"You know, I never get tired of kissing her either," he panted between kisses.

Kate slid off the desk and Castle followed her every movement with his eyes, subconsciously stood to follow her as she slinked off towards their bedroom. Halfway across the room she paused, turned, and his dark eyes were torn between watching the movement of her hands on the belt of her robe or her lips as she spoke, soft and low.

"Prove it."

* * *

><p>"Am I ever gonna get to actually give you your present?" Castle asked, still breathing heavily, sprawled on his back in their bed with Kate curled into his side.<p>

He'd been planning to give it to her last night, on Valentine's Day itself, like a normal person would. But between the Star Wars light saber, the delicious dinner she cooked him, the decadent chocolate covered strawberries that followed, and the slinky red lingerie, he'd been otherwise engaged. Very much so.

Somewhere between rounds two and three he'd realized that he hadn't actually given her his gift, but Kate was far too sated and warm and comfortable to even consider separating from him for even a few seconds. So she shrugged, told him it could wait until tomorrow, and secured her promise with a languid kiss.

Except now they faced the same scenario, though after yesterday she had a feeling there would be no more rounds tonight.

Kate lifted sluggish eyes to his, offered a small shrug. "I suppose."

"Well I mean, if you don't want it..."

"Castle."

"Just saying...if you're afraid it's gonna be better than what you got me. I mean, I can see how you might be nervous..." he teased smugly.

She gave him a loving shove to the shoulder. "Just go get it."

He grinned, rolled over and tugged open the drawer of his nightstand. He extracted a letter-sized, blank envelope, settled back in bed, and extended it to her.

"Open it."

Kate hoisted herself up onto one elbow, freeing her hands. She took her time with the gift, taking advantage of the opportunity to make him squirm as she turned it over in her hands, examining the edges, shaking it, attempting to read whatever was inside through the paper. She could see the excitement dancing in his eyes, knew that she was torturing him just a little bit, but sometimes he was just too easy.

"Seriously?" he whined after a full minute. "Kaaaate."

"Yes?" she asked innocently.

He bit his tongue, though just barely, and Kate could tell that the suspense was killing him. With a chuckle she slid her finger beneath the edge of the flap and slowly opened the envelope, putting him out of his misery.

There were three pieces of paper inside, stacked carefully, and she made sure to read them in the correct order.

The first was a note, handwritten, and just a few words.

_To the most intelligent, stunning, extraordinary person I know._

_Happy Valentine's Day._

_I love you._

_-Rick_

A smile blossomed across her face, broad and beautiful, as she reread his words, felt them seep into her veins. Even after all this time, she would never be immune to the power of just a few words from this man.

'Thank you' seemed so bland but no other words seemed to suffice so instead Kate leaned in, kissed him lovingly, poured the overwhelming jumble of emotions from her heart straight into the kiss.

From the way he smiled against her lips, she had a feeling he understood.

Castle leaned away first, though, anxious for her to unveil the rest of his gift to her. He'd taken a bit of a risk, hoped beyond hope that she'd be okay with it.

Kate gradually allowed her eyes to fall back to the items in her hands. Slipping the note to the back of the pile, her eyes fell onto the next piece of paper. It was rectangular, black and white, with her name, times, and a list of three letter codes on it. The paper behind it was identical except it bared his name. Her eyes scanned the page rapidly, seeking confirmation.

Italy. September seventh through the twentieth.

"Castle," she breathed.

"Is this okay?" he asked nervously, so tentative, a childish innocence in his eyes. "If not I can always..."

"It's perfect," she burst out, leaning in to press her lips to his again, deep and loving.

It'd only been two weeks since they'd actually set the wedding date, seven days since Kate insisted on helping to pay for the wedding and Castle compromised by agreeing that she could pitch in if he could be in charge of the honeymoon.

She'd said yes, under the stipulations that Hawaii was out, as were other resort-covered tropical islands. It went unspoken, of course, that Paris was also out of the question.

But leave it to Castle to plan a two week honeymoon to Italy in just under a week.

She kissed him again, soft pecks, both of them smiling against each other's mouths.

"Thank you," she murmured, clutching the ticket receipts to her chest.

Castle wrapped his arm around her in response.

"We're getting married," she whispered. It had been five months now but she still found herself so completely overwhelmed by it at times.

"We are," Castle agreed, equally in awe.

"And we're going to Italy."

He grinned, proud of himself for remembering an off-handed comment she'd made a few months back about always having wanted to go to Italy.

"Though I feel obligated to warn you that there may not be a lot of sightseeing involved," Castle teased.

"Oh yeah? You have other plans?"

"Well, I mean, you'll be naked a lot so I'll be seeing some very _gorgeous_ sights..." he leered.

Kate rolled her eyes, couldn't help herself.

"Well, considering that we'll need to work off all that delicious pasta..."

She watched as her meaning dawned on him, smirked.

Castle gently tugged the envelope and papers from her hands, tossed them onto the nightstand with one hand while guiding her closer with the other. She melded into him easily and he kissed his way across her jaw, speaking only when his lips were right near her ear.

"Shall we start practicing now?"

"I'm pretty sure we've had _plenty _of practice in the last three years, Castle."

She felt him pause, thrown off his game by her words.

"But I suppose a little more practice never hurt anyone."

* * *

><p>Apparently there was going to be a round two tonight after all.<p>

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	92. Target & Hunt

_Author's Note: This chapter was really difficult to write because we have no idea how the repercussions of these episodes will play out (ie whether we'll see Castle's father again). Cross your fingers that this doesn't end up completely off-base. And many thanks to Andy for the suggestions._

* * *

><p><strong>Target &amp; Hunt<strong>

"You headed to bed already?" Castle murmured, stepping up behind her as she slipped off her watch, placed it safely in its box on their bureau.

Kate shrugged. "Thought we could read for a little while or something," she suggested, relaxing into his embrace.

"We...you mean from our journal?"

She smiled, eyes meeting his in the mirror. "Yeah. If you want to."

Castle pressed his lips to her cheek. "Of course."

She disentangled from him then, went about her nightly routine quickly, and within ten minutes they were seated next to each other in their bed, backs against the headboard and shoulders smashed together. He leaned over to retrieve the journal, flipped through to the current page while Kate tilted her head to rest it on his shoulder.

_Dear Kate,_

_So much has happened in the last few days that I don't even know where to begin. All I know for certain is that my life has completely changed in the span of less than a week._

She felt him jerk away from her sharply, lifted her head in confusion.

"I...I'm sorry," he stammered, already scooting away from her, thrashing desperately to untangle his legs from the covers. "I can't...I can't read this one."

What...?

Kate flicked her eyes back to the page, latching onto the date at the top.

Oh.

Right.

Well, this night wasn't going to go as planned.

She felt a pang of sadness at breaking the tradition of reading these together, but at the same time she would never ask him to read this one with her. In fact, she wasn't even sure it was a good idea for her to read it. Because even though she wouldn't ask questions, wouldn't bring it up in any way, she could already see that the mere presence of the letter was lifting those awful memories to the forefront of his mind.

She never wanted him to have to relive that. Ever.

"I ummm..." she began. "I can...we can skip it. That's fine."

To her surprise, Castle shook his head. "No, you can...you should read it. I just...I can't."

"Are you sure?" she questioned. She was curious now that she was faced with his words, because though he'd explained some things in the days immediately after the fact, it had been a very succinct summary. Short and to the point and deliberately devoid of the anything involving his feelings. And maybe it was a bit morbid but now she was curious.

But at the same time, her main priority lay in not upsetting him.

Castle nodded, though she didn't miss the doubt in his eyes that he was unable to fully conceal. "I'll uh, I'll go hop in the shower," he offered with a thumb over his shoulder, already climbing out of bed. "That way...yeah."

Not really in a position to argue, Kate watched him cross the bedroom, waited until the bathroom door shut behind him before hesitantly returning her eyes to the page.

Once she read these words, she'd never be able to forget them. But now she needed to know.

_I remember when I told you about the time Alexis wandered off in the department store. Those minutes of panic in which I felt like a complete and utter failure as a father. I was convinced that I'd never forget that day, those feelings, that they would haunt me forever. But after this last week, that all pales so much in comparison._

_Because Alexis being kidnapped...that horror, that complete and utter desolation and hopelessness and helplessness...it will haunt me for the rest of my life, Kate._

_Thank God it's just a memory rather than reality, because if they'd hurt her in any way, I'd never recover. Hell, I don't know how I'm supposed to recover from what did happen. My daughter ended up half way around the world without me even knowing she was gone. And there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. I'm sure I'll have nightmares for weeks._

_And Alexis...I don't even want to know what they did to her. What it was like to be kidnapped, held hostage by power hungry men out for revenge. What it was like to experience all of that, knowing that as hard as she tried to escape, she was thwarted every time. I feel like I shouldn't even be complaining about my pain because I'm sure that whatever I'm going through, it's a thousand times worse for her. I was on the outside looking in, but she was actually there experiencing it and that's not something you can just forget overnight. It's not something you can ever forget. I can only hope that somehow, in some way, she'll be able to come to terms with it and not let it destroy her life._

_We're technically not allowed to talk about anything that happened but obviously I have to get it out somehow. Alexis and I talked over parts of it because I figured it would help for her to not have to hold it all inside and I wanted her to know that she could come to me at any time about anything. But I didn't tell her much of what I went through because that shouldn't be her burden to bear._

_Granted, none of this should be a burden she has to bear._

_Thank goodness she has a solid head on her shoulders. I can only hope that when all is said and done this whole ordeal makes her stronger. Still, I wish I'd been able to protect her from even having to experience it in the first place._

_I know I can't protect her from everything but there are some things that no one should ever have to endure._

_And then there's my father. I'm still reeling from that whole scenario. He shows up in the middle of a forest in France, shoots the guys that were holding me at gunpoint, practically shoots my phone out of my hand when I call you, and then tells me to get in his car. I had no clue who he was or why he even cared that I was alive until hours later when he dropped that bombshell on me. And I just...I didn't know what to think._

_I still don't. I don't think I'll truly know how I feel about it for a while. Or maybe I never will. I mean, how can you develop feelings about someone you've barely had a chance to know and may never see again? It's so confusing and I'm not sure I'll even be able to write this one out._

_But I'll try._

_I have so many questions, Kate. So many. Like how he knew I was his son, how he knew about Alexis. How he managed to get me access to the CIA and how other people knew he was my father and yet I was never told._

_Hell, how did he know I was in a forest in France? I mean, I know that he's a spy and he has access to technology that I don't even know about. But still..._

_My dad is a spy, Kate. My whole life it's been this giant unknown. And I was always okay with that because my dad could have been anyone I wanted. I conjured up so many fantasies in my head when I was growing up, because there was no one single answer._

_But now there is. And I never expected it to be this._

_I was always okay with not knowing, because you can't miss what you never had. I'd never had a father. It was always just my mother and me and I was fine with that. It didn't really bother me. But now that I've met him and he saved my life and my daughter's life...I feel like I owe him everything but who knows if I'll ever be provided with an opportunity to repay him._

_I have no idea if I'll ever even see him again. I don't even know his real name._

_All I have is his words and the memories and the package he sent me that's the only way I can be reasonably assured that he's even still alive. And I...I miss him. I was only with him for a day and under awful circumstances. But I miss him. I know that it has to be this way; he explained that to me. And maybe I'm just selfish for wanting to cling to the father that I'd never met._

_But he's played a larger role in my life than I could have ever imagined. He had so much to do with who I became. And to know that he's been watching me from afar my whole life, that even though he couldn't be there physically he's been there the only way he was able. That he's read my books...it means more than I thought possible._

_He told me he was proud of me, Kate._

_I didn't even realize how much his approval meant to me until I had it._

_And yet at the same time some dark, twisted part of me wants to be angry with him. Because it was his actions that ultimately led to them taking Alexis. I know it was part of the job, and when he killed that guy's wife, there's no way he could have foreseen this happening. I know it wasn't his fault; it was the fault of the guys who organized the operation. I can't hold it against him. Hell, I can't really hold any of this against him because without him who knows what would have happened._

_God, I just...I don't even know what to say or do or even what to think. I'm so confused. It's all the emotions I've ever felt all wrapped up into a few short days. And I'm still exhausted and I'm worried about Alexis and I'm relieved to have her back home and to be back here with you. I'm scared for what's going to happen next. I know none of us will sleep without nightmares for weeks. I'm afraid that Alexis is going to end up with PTSD or something of the sort and I know there's not much I can do to help her. I'm nervous for her to leave the loft, to go back to school. I'm sure she is as well._

_I know you'd tell me I'm being overprotective but I just don't even want to let her out of my sight. Ever._

_All I know for sure is that our lives have been permanently altered and it's going to take time to adjust. In the meantime I guess the best I can hope for is that we're all able to be here for each other and that we can make it through this as a family._

_Along those lines, I want to say thank you, Kate. For being there for my family. For helping bring Alexis home._

_And for being here with me. It means more than you'll even know._

_I love you._

_Rick_

Kate sat frozen, unable to tear her eyes away from the page as the emotional impact of his words overcame her. God, the pain he'd endured, the agony, the feelings of helplessness.

She'd felt those too; pain on his behalf, helplessness at being thousands of miles away and bound by rules and regulations, forced to be a cop when all she wanted to be was a supportive girlfriend. It was why she completely lost it in that interrogation, why she panicked when she heard the gunshot ring through her ear. Because everything had spiraled out of control so quickly and there was nothing she could do about it.

It had been days before she'd felt in control again. Days before she'd finally escaped to the privacy of her own apartment and broken down sobbing. If Castle ever found out she knew he'd apologize for not being there but the truth was that whatever she was feeling, his was probably a hundred times worse. And she didn't need to burden him with her own tangled up emotions when he was already battling the depths of his own mind.

She shook her head, forced back the tears that were threatening to fall. She couldn't cry, not here and not now. Not when he could emerge from the bathroom at any moment to see her tears. She wouldn't be the one responsible for reminding him of those awful days.

Ordinarily, now would be the time that she pounded it out on the punching back at the precinct gym or went for a run in Central Park or even talked it out with Dr. Burke. But it was late and dark outside so none of those options were viable.

So Kate did the only other thing she could think of; she slipped the journal back into place, silently slid out of bed, and went in search of paper and a pen.

* * *

><p><em>Dear Castle,<em>

_I just read your letter from when Alexis was kidnapped and I just...I don't even know what to say. It broke my heart at the time to watch what you were going through and reading your words now just broke it all over again because before I only knew what you told me, what I could see in your eyes. But now I have the uncensored thoughts and feelings that you experienced. And it makes me want to cry. And hug you really tightly._

_I'd never felt so useless as I did during that case, Castle. I wanted more than anything to be able to help you. To bring her home and to take away your pain and to find the words that would make it all better. But those words didn't exist and I couldn't be there for you like I wanted to because I'm a cop. I had to remember that. It wasn't easy to abide by all the rules and regulations. I had to force myself to step back and calm down and not do something that would get me suspended again. And it wasn't easy, because you were in Paris and your daughter was who-knows-where and I was back in New York City feeling so completely inadequate and useless._

_God, Castle, I don't know how you did it. And I wish you'd never had to in the first place. There are some things a person should never have to experience. That's one of them._

_I just hope that I was able to help in some small way. If I was able to make those days, that week, the sleepless nights that followed, even a little bit easier, then I feel like I wasn't a complete failure. I've never been very good at putting my thoughts and feelings into words, let alone finding the words to express them to someone else._

_So I did the only thing I knew how to do and that was to just be there for you in any way I could. I hope that it was enough._

_I think I just heard the shower turn off which means it's time to wrap this up. I don't want to talk about what I just read in our journal, mainly because I know you don't want to talk about it either. And that's fine; you shouldn't have to relive it. Which is why I'm writing this now, a way to purge my thoughts without having to drag you back into the fray. I'm going to hide this, I don't know where, but somewhere that you will hopefully never stumble across it._

_Some letters aren't meant to actually be read._

_But just know that no matter what else ever happens to you, to us, to anyone in our families, I love you so much. And the strength with which you coped and moved on from that nightmare inspires me every single day._

_Love,_

_Kate_

She hastily folded the paper, tossed the pen aside, and by the time Castle emerged she was back in bed, the letter hidden securely in the bottom of the box in which she kept the other letters she'd written him.

The one place he knew was private and sacred to her, the one box he would never, ever open.

"Hey," she murmured, scooting backwards and holding the covers up for him to join her. He was clad only in boxers, hair damp and sticking up in every direction.

"Hey," he replied, easing down into the bed next to her.

Kate automatically reached out to straighten his hair, fingernails lightly massaging his scalp as she did so, and Castle sighed and melted into her touch.

"Feel better?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

"Good."

He hummed a response, slid down beneath the covers and re-situated against the pillows. An awkward silence hung over them, the giant elephant in the room, but neither was willing to broach the subject.

"You okay?" Castle asked after an extended moment.

Kate shrugged, nodded. "Yeah, just thinking." There was a long pause before she spoke again. "I wish...I wish I could have met your father, Castle," she voiced slowly, knowing that he was waiting for her to say something about the letter. "He just...I know you've hardly met him, but I..."

"I know," he agreed, eyes flicking to his office, to the exact shelf where the newer copy of _Casino Royale_ sat next to the older, worn version. "I wish you could meet him too. I wish he could be a bigger part of my life."

"Yeah."

He ran a hand over his face. "But I know that's not possible. He's spent a lifetime devoted to a job he believes in. And I respect that."

Kate nodded in agreement. "Me too."

Castle lifted an arm, allowed it to come to rest over the curve of her waist. "Maybe someday. I mean, you never know what life will throw at us, right?"

"True," she agreed. Life certainly threw its fair share of curve balls their way, and there were inevitably many more to come.

Kate smiled softly, wriggled closer within his embrace as she echoed his hopeful words.

"Someday."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	93. Scared To Death

**Scared To Death**

Kate woke to the feeling of Castle wrapped around her, his head nestled on her chest, one arm across her waist, and one leg slung over hers. Her eyes flicked to the clock on the nightstand and she smiled as she realized that it was early on a Saturday and she could go back to sleep.

Not that that would be entirely possible with the way Castle's exhales were fanning out over her chest every few seconds, the warm air raising goosebumps on her skin even through her layer of clothing.

She wriggled beneath him, felt his grip tighten around her, and her smile grew. She loved snuggly Castle. So much.

It was just a couple of minutes before Castle began to stir, a soft little snore escaping his mouth as he eased into wakefulness. His eyes flickered open, settling first on her nightshirt before slowly tracing a path up to her face.

"Hey," she whispered with a smile, eyes locking with his in the early morning light.

"Mmmm, hey."

Kate ran a hand through his hair, fingernails gently scratching his scalp, and Castle melted into her.

"Time's it?" he asked sluggishly, far too comfortable to lift his head and look himself.

"Just after seven thirty," Kate murmured.

He hummed a response, eyes slipping closed again, but Kate's stayed open, falling once again on the nightstand. But this time, her focus wasn't on the clock. This time, it was on their journal, her mind flashing back to the letter from the previous night. A shiver raced through her unexpectedly as she recalled the dread, the heart-wrenching pain of his words.

"Cold?" Castle asked sleepily.

"Not really."

His eyes opened again at that, searching her face for clues. He loved that he could make her shiver just by his touch...but he also knew her well enough to know that this shiver hadn't been caused by him. This one was different somehow.

Castle's gaze lifted to her eyes, which were fixed firmly on a point to her right, and he gently lifted his head to follow her line of sight. The instant he saw the journal, he knew. She was thinking about the letter from last night. The one he never wanted to think about ever again.

Wordlessly, he lifted himself up to lean over her, retrieved the notebook.

"Want to?" Kate asked as she watched his movements, understanding that in that moment, his train of thought was identical to hers.

"Do you mind?" he asked softly, rolling over to face her once again. "I just thought...considering last night..."

Kate placed her index finger over his lips, silencing him gently as she nodded in agreement. "Of course not."

She sealed her words with a kiss, settled back against the pillows, and Castle cuddled up behind her, arms wrapped snugly around her. She could feel the tension lingering in his muscles, covered his hand with hers on the edge of the book, and just that small touch was enough to help him begin to relax.

_Dear Kate,_

_You were scared. Admit it. You were totally creeped out by that tape. I know you kept insisting that there was no reason to worry, but you're not always as subtle as you think you are. Or maybe I just know you too well._

_Either way, I could tell that there was a part of you that was afraid that maybe I was right. That maybe we really were going to die._

_(For the record, I was serious about wanting you to outlive me. Maybe it's selfish, but I don't think I could handle living without you, Kate.)_

"Castle," she murmured, his words stabbing straight to the depths of her heart and all but pushing away any lingering memories of last night.

"Hmmm?"

She lifted a finger to trace his words. "I couldn't either."

"Couldn't what?"

When she didn't answer right away, he dropped his eyes to the page, followed the line of her finger.

Oh.

He tightened his hold on her, his entire body flooding with emotion at the mere thought of a life without her in it. "Then I guess we'll just have to die together."

Because honestly, if he was going to go, he wanted to do so wrapped up in the arms of the woman he loved. He wanted her voice to be the last thing he heard, her face the last thing he saw. He wanted to disappear from this world and into whatever lies beyond with her. He couldn't imagine it any other way.

"A long time from now," he clarified. "Someday when we're old and grey."

Kate hummed a response. It went without saying, of course, that there were no guarantees. That anything could happen and that old and grey was something they might never actually experience together. But they tried not to talk about that; it was a risk Castle had accepted way back when he fell in love with her. It had taken Kate a little longer to come around, but she accepted it now as well. Accepted that loving him was worth it, no matter the cost.

"And no creepy DVDs," he added, breaking her train of thought and effectively lightening the mood.

Kate chuckled. "Right."

"Besides, I have a lot more things to cross off of my bucket list still," he continued. "And I need your help for some of them."

"Do you now?" she asked with an amused arch of her eyebrow.

"Mmhmm."

"Such as?"

"Well, we're not _actually _married yet," he pointed out, one finger poking out to trace her engagement band. "And there aren't any mini-Castles running around the house yet either."

"That's not on your list," Kate cut in without missing a beat.

"I...you...you memorized my bucket list?" he spluttered.

"Not...exactly," she hedged.

"You so did."

She rolled onto her back within his embrace so that she could meet his eyes. "No, I just happen to recall that 'have more kids' wasn't on there."

"Oh," he huffed a sigh, trying to decide if he was flattered that she knew the list so well or disappointed that she didn't actually have it memorized. "Well, I updated it a couple months ago."

"You did not."

"Okay, well not on the list itself." He tapped his temple. "It's in here."

"Of course it is."

"You're just jealous that I have a bucket list and you don't," Castle protested.

"How do you know that I don't?"

"Well I've never seen one."

"Maybe it's in my head," Kate teased, shooting his words back at him.

"Liar."

"You have no proof of that."

"And you have no proof of a bucket list."

"Maybe it's a recent thing."

"How recent?"

She shrugged. "About five minutes ago."

"Oh?" he asked, intrigued. "And what exactly is on this five-minute-old bucket list of yours?"

"Well number one is 'make Castle stop forcing me to divulge my bucket list.'"

He dug his fingers into the skin beneath her ribs and Kate writhed beneath him, attempted to wriggle out of his grasp.

"And number two is now 'teach Castle what happens to his more sensitive areas when he tickles me.'"

He practically jumped away from her at her words, completely severing their connection and rolling across to the other side of the bed.

"Wow," Kate drawled.

"Well..."

She reached for him but he backed away even further, and Kate rolled her eyes.

"Castle, how exactly are we going to complete a certain item on your bucket list if you won't even let me touch you?"

"How would we complete it if you kneed me...down there?"

"We both know I'm not that cruel."

"I don't know, you can be a pretty horrible tease when you put your mind to it."

"You love it."

His entire face softened then, a smile lifting the corners of his lips. Because yeah. He did love it. A lot.

Kate allowed her own smile to break free and this time when she reached for him, he didn't back away.

"Come on," she murmured, rearranging the journal on the bed as she arranged herself back into the cradle of his body. "Let's finish reading first and then we can spend the day crossing something off that bucket list of yours."

"Yeah?" he asked excitedly, and Kate couldn't help but roll her eyes. But it was an affectionate gesture because she loved his childlike enthusiasm and his penchant for exuberance.

She nodded against his chest, snuggled further into his warmth. "Yeah."

"Okay," he murmured into her hair, nestled his chin on her shoulder and dropped his eyes to the page.

_By the way, I'm glad we're both still alive. I'm still thoroughly freaked out and I'm a bit exhausted because I've been a little too jittery to sleep very much the last few nights. But I'm alive._

_Well, mostly. I might have died a little bit when you pulled that ice cube stunt a few hours ago. That was just...whoa! You're amazing. Completely amazing. And I have to say, of all the ways I've ever imagined that I'd die, that's now at the top of my list. Because, wow...what a way to go. I don't think I'm ever going to completely recover from that. Not that I'm complaining._

_But on a more serious note, I meant what I said on my bucket list, Kate. Being with you was what I wanted most for a long time. And actually being able to hold you and kiss you and love you...it's a dream come true for me. It's everything I've ever imagined and more and I don't know how I made it through life without you for so many years but now I can't imagine it any other way. I'm so in love with you that it's overwhelming at times, but I wouldn't trade it for the world._

_Even if you do leave me to fend for myself in a dark cabin in the woods with a guy who's about to die._

_Oh, I know...was that your way of getting back at me for turning down your offer for sex? Because that's just mean. And completely uncalled for. All I wanted to do was save your life. Or at least prolong it. And you totally took advantage of that by using your wily, sexy powers to convince me to come home with you for our 'last time.'_

_For the record, I don't ever want us to have a last time. I don't even want to think about that. Ever. Rationally, I know that it will happen eventually, but until it actually does, I don't want to consider the possibility. _

_In the meantime, the best we can do is to take advantage of every moment we have together and show our love in every way possible and as often as possible._

_I think I just added a new item to my bucket list: show Kate how much I love her every single day for the rest of my life._

_And I'll start right now by crawling back into bed with you and holding you in my arms and whispering 'I love you.'_

_Because I do love you. So much._

_Rick_

By the time Kate finished reading, there was a giant smile on her face. Because only Castle could go from scared to silly to serious to loving in one letter. And only he could make the entire journey so completely adorable.

"What?" he asked.

"You're such a dork sometimes."

"You say that like it's a bad thing," he pouted, mock-wounded.

"I said no such thing," Kate shot back, already rolling out of his arms and placing the journal back on the nightstand.

"Where are you going?"

She offered no answer, instead climbing out of bed and taking the comforter with her.

"Kaaate," Castle whined, extending one arm to snag it back, but he was too slow. "What are you doing?"

"Crossing something off your bucket list," she answered as though it was obvious.

"That involves taking the covers off the bed?"

She looked around, pretending to consider. "Well, it's a pretty big apartment."

Castle forced himself into a seated position, scrambled to keep up with her train of thought. "Pretty big...what...?"

Kate could see the moment it dawned on him because the change in his features was instant. His eyes lit up, a grin split his face, and he was out of bed and wrapping his arms around her before she could react.

"Really?" he asked excitedly, and God, he was _so in love _with this woman.

She smiled back, eyes twinkling, indulging his excitement. "Really."

* * *

><p>They spent the entire day nourishing their inner five-year-olds, fell asleep that night on the living room floor, curled up together on a pile of pillows, too comfortable to find their way back to their bed.<p>

The next morning, Castle presented Kate with his list and a pen, announcing that she could do the honors of crossing off this new accomplishment.

* * *

><p>#25: Convert entire apartment into blanket fort<p>

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	94. The Wild Rover

_Author's Note: Slowly finding the time to write again. Thank you everyone for your patience._

* * *

><p><strong>The Wild Rover<strong>

It was a Sunday morning, and though Kate was on call today, it was 8:30 am and her phone had yet to ring. Castle didn't hold high hopes for their good fortune to continue, however, as New Yorkers seemed to have mastered the art of murdering each other at the most inconvenient of times. Nevertheless, he was going to take advantage of every minute until their early morning luck ran out.

They were still curled up on the living room floor, surrounded by a fluffy pile of pillows. There were blankets strewn across the apartment, some still draped over the rearranged furniture, others having long since slipped from their positions. The one that was initially elevated over them had been tugged from its place in the middle of the night and was now wrapped around the two of them for warmth. The sofa was sitting diagonally across the living room and there was a chair in the doorway to the office, making it rather difficult for Castle to extricate himself in order to use the restroom.

He nearly tripped over Kate as he stood, proceeded to actually trip over the sheet from the guest room that was draped between two kitchen chairs behind the sofa. Kate snorted with laughter as he removed his foot from the fabric, rolled her eyes adoringly at his disappearing form as he navigated through the maze of linens. He was such a child sometimes. But she loved it. She really did.

And she had quite possibly enjoyed the blanket fort just as much as he did. Building it. Crawling around in it. Playing hide-and-seek in it. Laying side by side quietly sharing fun memories from their childhoods. A lot of laughter. And, at Castle's insistence, blanket fort sex.

Not that she'd been particularly difficult to convince.

Kate smiled at the memory, silent laughter bubbling to the surface as she recalled how they'd knocked the blanket down on top of them at one point and had to untangle their limbs to reach up and push it out of the way.

Only with Castle would something like this ever happen. Not that she was complaining.

Before she had a chance to ponder anything more from the ever-growing list of ways her life had changed since she'd met him, the man himself reappeared. Carrying their journal.

"You brought it," Kate observed, smiling up at him and lifting the blanket, welcoming him back into their fortress of pillows.

He shrugged, re-situated himself next to her. "Thought it might be a relaxing way to start the morning."

She nodded in agreement, leaned into him lovingly as she murmured her approval. Castle thumbed through for the next new entry and upon finding it, he wrapped one arm around her shoulders while the other steadied the journal in his lap.

_Dear Kate,_

_This case was an eye-opener for all of us, I think. Kevin Ryan undercover with the mob? My imagination can be pretty wild but I don't think it ever would have conjured up that scenario. It's just so...not like him. At all._

_And it makes me wonder how I've known him for the better part of five years without knowing anything about this. I mean, I understand that he wouldn't want it to be common knowledge that he's a cop. He'd want to make sure it didn't somehow get back to the mob. But still, I can't believe that in five years he's never mentioned even one little thing from those fourteen months of his life. Not even to Javi._

_It's a bit disconcerting, because it makes me wonder how well we really ever know anyone. And now, as I sit back and think about it, I realize there's a lot I don't know about Ryan. Or Esposito. Or even you. I suppose one argument would be that I never asked, so why should I expect to know? And that's not an incorrect statement. I didn't ever bother to dig into their lives like I did with yours, because they weren't inspiring my main character. I didn't need as much of a background story for them, and, to be honest, I wasn't as interested. You're my inspiration. But even so, digging through old records can only tell me so much. At some point, I have to actually begin to rely on what people tell me. On anecdotes or stories from others or from you. And I can't help but wonder about all the stories you've never told me._

_I'm not saying I should know everything about you. That's neither reasonable nor possible. Besides, we all have stories we'd rather not tell for whatever reason, things we'd rather not admit to having done. I completely understand that because I have plenty of them. But still, I can't help but wonder about the years of your life about which I know very little. There's probably a reason for that. It's probably a conscious effort on your part, just like there are things about me that I choose not to reveal to anyone. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I'm just saying that I can't help but wonder._

_Curse of a writer's mind, I guess._

_It makes me want to ask you questions, but I also don't want to invade your privacy or pressure you to reveal something or place you in an uncomfortable situation. I trust you to open up when you're ready. And I understand that there are things I'll probably never know about you, but I also trust your discretion in what you choose not to reveal, because I know that there are a number of factors that go into play when sharing information from your past that may be embarrassing or private or even a potential game-changer._

_Which, coincidentally, is why I was so afraid to explain this 'Jordan' thing to you. It wasn't that I don't trust you or that I believe in keeping secrets from you. It was just that I was so scared that it would change the way you saw me, that it would drive you away from me instead of bringing you closer. I was afraid you would be morally opposed to someone who was a cheater, or that you'd change your view on my books, or that you'd question my current writing abilities. Or that you'd break up with me after finding out that I'm not who you thought I was. And I don't know what I'd do if that happened._

_I've never felt like this before. I've never loved someone so much to be so completely terrified of losing them. It's never been like this. Sure, I've been through divorces, but I recovered from them. The first time, I felt hurt and betrayed and heartbroken for a while, but I bounced back eventually. The second time, I probably wasn't as upset as I should have been. I'm not sure what that says about me, but probably nothing good._

_But with you...I'd never recover, Kate. There's no way. We're not even married and I already can't imagine having to live without you. And I know that's no excuse to not be honest with you, but I'm afraid. I guess it's just a chance I'm going to have to take, because it's not fair of me to dig into your life but not allow you a glimpse into mine. All I can do is hope that when you uncover the stories of my past, you don't go running off for someone who doesn't have a past full of poor decisions and a reputation that's far from stellar. For someone who actually deserves you, far more than I ever will._

_Maybe I'm just insecure. I don't know. All I know is that my life is infinitely better with you in it. And if I can spend the rest of my life with you by my side, then I'm the luckiest guy in the world._

_I love you, Kate._

_Rick_

"Castle," she murmured, her heart twisting at his words.

"Hmmm?"

"You don't give yourself enough credit." He cocked his head questioningly, and Kate continued. "Saying that you don't deserve me?"

He shrugged, aiming for disinterested and failing miserably. "I don't."

"I don't even know how you could say that," she protested instantly, unwilling to allow him to think so little of himself.

"I mean, look at you," he practically exclaimed. "You're brilliant and gorgeous and sexy and sassy and badass and the best detective in New York City. And I'm just this writer who's been divorced twice and had a bunch of one-night stands and broken the law multiple times and..."

"And you're an amazing writer and your novels are bestsellers and your words have the power to help people, Castle. You have a wonderful daughter who you raised mostly on your own, and you're the best partner I could ever ask for."

His mouth hung open, completely frozen as she rattled off her list.

"Like I said," Kate continued, reaching out to guide his mouth closed. "You don't give yourself enough credit."

"But...but you..." he stammered.

"Have my fair share of issues as well, and I'm not sure what I ever did to deserve you either," she admitted bluntly. "I never understood why you insisted on waiting around for me when all I wanted was to keep you out of my life and as far away from my heart as possible. So let's just call it even, okay?"

"I...you...yeah, okay," Castle agreed, once he recovered from her words and found the ability to speak once again. "We're even."

She smiled, reached up to cup his cheek and guide him in for a gentle kiss. "Good. I'm glad that's settled."

He smiled against her lips as they separated, still in awe of her words and of how she saw him, and the way she was able to overlook his flaws and his past in light of who he was now.

"Extraordinary," he whispered, barely more than a quiet exhale, but from the way she dipped her chin just slightly, hair falling forward to hide the faint blush tinging her cheeks, he knew that she heard him.

"Come on," she whispered after a moment, reaching out with one hand to wiggle the journal against his lap, draw his attention back to the book. "Let's keep reading."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	95. The Lives Of Others

_Author's Note: 100 episodes, 95 chapters...thanks for sticking with me through it all! And thank you to all of you who sent suggestions and to Andy for helping to get the creative juices flowing on this one. Much appreciated :)_

* * *

><p><strong>The Lives Of Others<strong>

"We're almost at the end of the journal," Kate observed as she adjusted the book against Castle's lap, the edges of the pages gently swishing against her fingers.

"What can I say?" Castle asked without missing a beat. "You inspire a lot of words."

Kate rolled her eyes, but it was adoring, not annoyed.

"And we've solved a lot of cases," he amended.

"True."

"And I write for a living."

"Really?" she asked, mock surprise and sarcasm lacing her voice.

Castle laughed, leaned into her and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. Kate smiled, melted against him, so content in this moment, curled up on the floor in a blanket fort.

Sometimes she still couldn't believe that this was her life.

"What?" he asked, so attuned to her that he registered her wandering thoughts.

"Come on," she said by way of an answer, once again drawing their attention back to the book. "Let's read."

_Dear Kate,_

_I'm just...speechless. I don't even know what to say. This is what you've done; you've rendered a best-selling author completely incapable of words. This has never happened to me before._

_I meant what I said last night, you know. No one has ever done anything like this for me. No one's ever gone to so much trouble for me. Sure, I've had birthday parties. Surprise parties, parties with strippers and way too much alcohol and lots of women in very minimal clothing. But this one tops them all, no contest. Because you managed to talk everyone I care about into helping out, and you went to so much trouble on my behalf and I just..._

_I can't even put into words how much I love you. Or how much it means to me that you did this for me._

_I admit, I feel bad for being upset with you and telling you not to come back to the loft. For almost ruining your whole plan. Of course, in retrospect it all makes perfect sense. At the time, though, I truly thought that you thought I was crazy. I guess that just makes all of it so much better because the last thing I ever expected was a birthday party and a giant April Fool's joke as a birthday present. You really do know me so well. You anticipated my next moves, my thought processes, all of it. And that, more than anything else, is what amazes me the most. Because I've spent the better part of five years observing you and learning about you...but I never realized that you'd been doing the same, down to such small details as this. I had no idea._

_And I'll even forgive you for making me think you were in danger, because it made the whole thing all that much more shocking._

_Well played, my dear Detective. Well played._

_I don't even know what else to say right now. It's been just over eighteen hours and I'm still in shock. I'm still so amazed by you. Organizing that entire thing. Dressing up in that incredibly sexy dress...which, by the way, you looked stunning. Telling me that you love my imagination. It's the first time I've heard that word fall from your lips and I'm still replaying that moment over and over again in my head. I can't stop, Kate. I can't stop thinking about any of what happened over the last few days, because it meant the world to me. All of it._

_Best birthday ever. From the best girlfriend ever._

_Really, Kate. Thank you. So much. I know that's so utterly insufficient, but I don't know what else to say. I'm at a loss for words. You're amazing, and I love you so very much._

_Rick_

"How did you know it would work?" Castle asked, still in awe. Always in awe of her.

"Because I know you," she replied simply, though in reality pulling that off had been anything but. "I know the way you think. You're curious and you want the whole story and I knew you wouldn't stop until you got it."

He looked up at her with a giant grin, so proud, so happy and in love with this amazing woman.

"Well, you were right," he agreed. It may have been almost two years but he was still amazed at what she'd done for him. The lengths she'd gone to just for him.

"I was so nervous," Kate murmured, still able to recall that entire string of days in vivid detail. The stress of staying one step ahead of him while making sure not to ruin the whole thing. The worry that he wouldn't like it, that he wouldn't find it funny or sweet or anything else she intended it to be. That it might ruin everything they'd built, especially once they started bickering over it. The nervousness, how she was so on edge for fear that he really was mad at her, and that he wouldn't forgive her in the end.

There had actually been a split second that she'd thought he might turn around and crutch right back out the door.

"Nervous how?" Castle asked curiously.

"That you wouldn't like it," she answered, verbalizing her inner monologue. "You seemed so upset when you found out it was fake and I just thought...I don't know."

"I wasn't upset," he assured her. "I was just in shock."

"I know," Kate answered, his words from the journal fresh on her mind. "Or I know that now, at least. But in the moment...I thought you were going to walk away."

"I could never walk away from you," he murmured. Sappy but true, and they both knew it.

She just smiled.

"Of course, I couldn't walk away from anyone at that point," he added with a laugh, and Kate joined in, eyes alight with happiness.

Her hand fell to his knee, gently massaging the once-injured joint. It was long since healed and aside from the occasional twinge, it didn't cause him any problems.

By far not his greatest moment, however.

"You know, I spent most of our first year afraid of losing you," he mused, a complete change of subject as his mind wandered. "I held back so much, because there I was, completely in love with you, and I wasn't sure it was reciprocated but I couldn't stand the thought of saying it again too soon and pressuring you or scaring you off."

"Castle..."

"I saw it in your eyes," he continued, needing to say it all at once. "And I heard it in your voice. But there was that part of me that still needed to hear the actual words to believe it. But after that...I knew," he admitted. "Even if you hadn't said it."

"I'm glad," she breathed on a sigh of relief. "I know I'm not good with words, so I tried to show you in every way I could. I'm just happy to know that..." she trailed off.

"That I understood?" he finished.

"Yeah," she murmured, once again grateful that he knew her so well.

Silence fell as they digested this new information, more pieces of their story that they were slowly weaving together, filling in the gaps as they went along.

"Want to keep reading?" Kate asked after a few minutes passed. She was warm and comfortable and really did not feel like moving.

Castle smiled, reached out to flip the page. "Sure."

They smoothed the paper down against the others, but when Kate lifted her hand, she was surprised to find only a few words there.

A continuation of the last letter.

_PS – Move in with me. Please. These last two weeks, having you here all the time...it's all I've ever wanted, Kate. (Well, minus the wheelchair and the broken knee cap.)_

Kate smirked, unsuccessfully suppressed a chuckle.

_Please just...say you'll stay, even after my leg is better. Say you'll stay with me at the loft. Forever._

Oh. Well, that wasn't what she was expecting. Then again, it wasn't the first time in these letters that he'd expressed his interest in having her move in. But this was the first time it seemed like a serious offer. One that she might have considered at the time had he verbalized it.

"I wanted to, you know?" she murmured, realizing that even back then, even when it seemed so fast and intense and overwhelming at times, even when there were still so many unknowns, so many questions, she wanted it too. More than she ever cared to admit.

"Stay?" Castle asked in surprise.

She nodded. "Yeah. I mean, I could have done without the whining..."

"Hey!"

"But I enjoyed being there with you, Castle."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

She shrugged. "I guess I wasn't sure I was actually ready. In my mind, it was just like a trial run, you know? For someday in the future."

"But you knew?"

"That we were headed for that?"

"Yeah."

"I hoped we were."

He nodded thoughtfully, hummed in understanding.

"Well, I'm glad you're here now," he spoke after a minute, putting his other questions on hold for the time being.

"Me too," Kate replied, leaning in to steal a kiss, only to jerk back in surprise as the ringing of her phone cut through the room, shattering the soft perfection of the morning.

"Don't answer it," Castle slurred, still chasing her lips even as she leaned back, already searching for the device.

"I have to," she sighed, finding it and sliding the screen to unlock it.

Castle echoed her heavy sigh, leaned back against the sofa. He'd gotten used to the odd hours, the early mornings and late nights and waking to the shrill ringing of her cell. But he wasn't sure he was ever going to get used to the way her phone always rang at the most inconvenient moments.

He tuned back in just as she hung up, opened the text that appeared on her screen noting the address of the crime scene.

Castle closed the journal, set it aside with a pout. Kate got to her feet in the midst of the blankets, bent down and pressed a firm kiss to his lips, temporarily abating the childish facial expression.

"Later," she promised.

His pout reappeared, only to be met by a patented eye roll as she headed off to get ready for the day, for a new case.

He watched her go with his eyes glued to the soft sway of her hips, making her way through the maze of linens that still covered most of the loft. Only once he heard the shower turn on did he spring to action, gracelessly stumbling through the bed coverings in pursuit of his fiancée.

She was already in the shower by the time he made it to their room, but the door to the bathroom was cracked, as was the one to the shower stall. Almost as if she knew he'd come.

(She did.)

He stripped off his boxers and t-shirt, leaving them in a pile on the floor, and joined her in the stall just as she was wetting her hair.

Castle stepped up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist as his lips met the bare skin of her shoulder. He ran his hands teasingly across her stomach, up her sides, higher and higher until they were gently tilting her head back beneath the spray. He reached for the shampoo as the hot water sluiced over their bodies, was just squirting some onto his hand when Kate whirled around, poised to tell him that they didn't have time for him to wash her hair.

Instead, she promptly found herself backed up against the wall, the cool tiles a sharp contrast to the hot water at her front. The shampoo bottle clattered to the ground and Castle was towering over her, one hand planted on the wall on either side of her body, eyes dark and dangerous, boring into hers, and any words she'd been about to say were promptly forgotten.

* * *

><p>It was almost an hour before she showed up at the crime scene, hair damp and hastily secured in a bun, legs still weak and trembling, her whole body sated and glowing.<p>

Castle appeared moments later with two coffees and a shit-eating grin on his face.

And judging by Lanie's raised eyebrows and the smug glances from Ryan and Espo, they were so busted.

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	96. The Fast And The Furriest

_Author's Note: Parts of this episode were very difficult for me to watch. I usually do a rewatch before writing a chapter but I just can't do it with this one. So if anything isn't in line with the episode or I missed anything major, please let me know and I'll do my best to make the necessary edits._

* * *

><p><strong>The Fast And The Furriest<strong>

Thank goodness they'd already crossed blanket fort off of Castle's bucket list, Kate thought with a sigh, as she wrestled with yet another bed sheet, untangling it from the couch cushion that was wedged under the edge of the stairs. She'd enjoyed it as much as he did...constructing the whole thing, spending the day (and night) cuddled up watching movies and eating pizza and drinking coffee and reading their journal.

But now, after a long day at the precinct full of frustratingly unhelpful leads, the last thing she wanted to have to do was put the loft back together.

She worked the sheet free, tossed it in the pile with the others - poor Elisa was going to have an enormous amount of laundry to do this week – before grabbing the cushion and crossing the room to return it to the sofa.

She circled the piece of furniture, stepping around a blanket-draped chair only to nearly trip over...a person.

"Castle!" she exclaimed, awkwardly forcing the cushion back into its place while attempting to regain her balance. "You're supposed to be helping me with this."

"I was," he protested.

"'Was' being the operative word here."

"I got...distracted," he offered by way of apology.

Kate's eyes fell to his lap then, to the book cradled in his hands as he sat cross-legged on the living room floor.

Their journal.

"Right now?" she asked, bordering on annoyed, because it had been a long day and she was tired and all she wanted to do was go to sleep. In their bed, which was currently devoid of blankets and pillows. Still.

Castle shrugged. "I found it on the floor."

"Can it wait?"

"Kate?" he reached up to catch her hand, thumb gently stroking over her skin. "What's going on?"

She shook her head, tugged her hand back, but his grip was tighter.

"Kate, please?"

She sighed. "I'm just tired."

He got to his feet at her words, journal in one hand, hers in the other, and began to lead her across the loft. They crossed around the furniture, into their room, all the way to the bathroom, Kate trailing along against her will, but also not in the mood to turn this into an argument.

"Here," he murmured, depositing the book on the counter and reaching in to turn on the water. "Take a warm shower and just relax. I'll deal with the rest of this."

"Castle..." she protested, feeling patronized, her level of irritation rising in time with the temperature of the bathroom. Her intention was for him to help her, not to make him feel guilty and do all the work himself while treating her like a child.

"Please," he begged. "You deserve it. I can handle the mess."

She sighed, displeased.

"You helped me set all of this up." He gestured to the rest of the loft. "You did it all for me. The least I can do is clean it all up."

"Fine."

He reached in to adjust the water temperature slightly, squeezed her hand before disentangling and leaving the room without a word.

Kate paused to watch him go, felt a bit of her annoyance fading at his final words, before stripping off her clothes and stepping beneath the spray.

* * *

><p>The shower was refreshing; she'd give him that. She felt better and more relaxed, her muscles less weary. Still a bit on edge, though.<p>

She slipped back into their bedroom a few minutes later wrapped in a bathrobe, wet hair secured back into a French braid, to find Castle rearranging the pillows on their remade bed.

That was fast. Though she assumed that the rest of the loft was still at least somewhat in shambles. Whatever. They could deal with it later.

"Better?" he asked, not bothering to turn around.

"Yeah," she replied with a half-hearted shrug.

He turned down the covers, settled on his side as she curled into hers, journal clutched in one hand. Castle reached out to pry it from her grasp, set it aside, but she held firm, fingers sliding beneath the cover to flip it open.

He seemed to accept her silent decision without question, eased up next to her to read.

_Dear Kate,_

_You know, it used to drive me crazy that you're so skeptical. That you don't believe in magic or fate, in Santa Claus or aliens or Bigfoot. I understand why, of course. I just used to wish that you wouldn't be such a skeptic all the time. But the longer I've worked with you, the more I've started to understand the necessity of at least a certain level of skepticism. And I think that the two of us actually balance each other out rather nicely in that regard._

_However, I hate that the world stole your innocence at such a young age, because innocence is a beautiful thing. So is believing in magic. And I've wished for so long that there was some way to erase it all and help you to believe again, because I truly feel that you're missing out on so much._

_I can't undo the past. I can, however, do my best to ensure that your future is full of magic. I've made that my mission for years now. I think I've even mentioned it before in this journal. But for the longest time, I wasn't sure it was working._

_Now, though...I think it is._

_Maybe Coltrane and his saxophone aren't completely magical, maybe spring flowers peeking through the snow is a completely explainable phenomenon, but there's still something special about those things. And I love that you see that. That to you, beauty like that _is_ magical._

_But you know what I love the most? That you can't explain us. I love it so much. Because the truth is, neither can I. I mean, on the superficial level I can say that you're smart and beautiful and passionate and sexy as hell. And superficially, those certainly are reasons why I'm attracted to you. But that's not all of it. Not by a long shot. There's so much more and I know I could never even begin to list all the reasons that I love you or all the things I love about you or even why I love you like I've never loved anyone else. Things like that are inexplicable. They can't be captured by mere words._

_So the fact that you can't explain us, and yet you're still here next to me, curled up in my bed, actually doing this...it means the world to me, Kate. Because even if you don't admit it out loud, you wouldn't be here if you didn't believe in magic of some sort._

_The truth is, we'll probably never be able to explain us. And I'm okay with that, because love is one of those things that's better left as a mystery. And there's something so exciting about stepping into the unknown. Especially with you by my side._

_(Even if you don't believe in Bigfoot, despite my best attempts to convince you of his existence.)_

_Maybe one of these days I'll turn you into a believer. In the meantime, I'll just be content to enjoy the magic I feel in every day spent with you._

_Love,_

_Rick_

"So...Bigfoot?" Castle questioned, unable to help himself.

"What about him?" she shot back, earlier annoyance melting into good-natured banter.

"Have I convinced you yet?"

"What do you think?"

He shrugged. "You never know..."

"I'm pretty sure you believe enough for the both of us."

He opened his mouth, poised to protest, but Kate cut him off.

"It's not a bad thing, Castle," she murmured, one hand lifting to tenderly trace the line of his jaw, thumb brushing over the crinkles at the corner of his eye.

His gaze softened, facial features relaxing, smile blooming at her gentle ministrations, the love in her eyes.

"It's actually one of the first things that made me fall in love with you."

"That I...believe in Bigfoot?"

She laughed softly, shook her head. "That you believe in magic and aliens and everything that doesn't really have a place in my life. I love that you still have that innocence, because it reminds me that sometimes magical things really do happen. And that it's okay to believe in them once in a while."

Castle lifted his hand to cover hers on his cheek, fingers inserting themselves into the gaps between hers as he leaned into her touch, the warmth of her palm. His heart flooded with contentment at her words, so overcome with it all.

Sometimes it was hard to believe that this was real.

"I love that I can do that for you," he replied, forcing the words past the lump in his throat.

Kate smiled brightly, her eyes mirroring the pure joy that was overwhelming him.

Because this _was_ real.

And they were so damn lucky.

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	97. Still

_Author's Note: After a lot of thought as well as some outside opinions, I've decided to put the rest of this fic on hold until after the season finale. I know that this probably isn't what you want to hear, but because the end of the season is always so emotional and intense and has very interconnected storylines, I feel that I won't be able to do the story justice until I see how everything plays out. However, I didn't see the harm in posting this chapter, since this ep was supposed to air first anyway._

* * *

><p><strong>Still<strong>

"Oh! I didn't expect anyone to be here."

Castle looked up just in time to see Martha come flouncing into his office, donning a bright turquoise jacket and contrasting coral-colored scarf and gloves to stave off the brisk spring air.

He smiled up at her, offered his cheek as she bent down to press a quick kiss against it.

"So...what are you doing home on this fine Tuesday afternoon?" she asked in that knowing way of hers.

"Just waiting for Kate."

"And reading about her, it would seem," she offered astutely, with a glance at the journal in his hands.

Castle shrugged in response.

"So where is our darling Detective?" Martha asked as she removed her gloves, loosened her scarf.

"Out with Lanie, getting her fitted for a bridesmaid dress," Castle explained, adding with a pout, "apparently it's a girls-only activity."

"Well, darling, what did you expect?"

"I know, it's just..." he sighed. "I was hoping we could spend her day off just relaxing here, you know? All this wedding planning is exhausting."

"Well, you could always hire someone else to take care of things fo..."

"No," he interrupted firmly. "It's just us this time." He leaned forward, set the journal face down on his desk, splayed out across the wooden surface to mark the page. "I'm doing this one right."

"Oh, my son, finally all grown up," Martha cooed.

Castle made a face that was somewhere between a grimace, a smile, and a pout, made even more comical when Martha reached out to lovingly pinch his cheek. He scrunched up his nose as she released her grip, reached up to rub at his face.

"How are the plans coming along?" his mother inquired after a moment.

He smiled, couldn't help himself whenever the topic of the wedding came up. He was getting married in a few months.

To Kate Beckett.

"We don't have a cake yet, and the decorations aren't finalized. But we're getting there."

Martha smiled proudly. "Glad to hear it." She stood, once again gestured towards the journal with a flourish as she made her way out of the office. "All right, well, I'll leave you to it. I'm just stopping by to pick up a few costumes."

Castle shook his head in amusement as he heard her make her way up the stairs, to the closet in her old bedroom where she still stored a collection of costumes and a random assortment of other items. He was just reaching for the journal, settling back in with it, when the front door opened again, and Alexis was in class so he knew it had to be Kate.

He watched with a smile through the gaps in the bookshelves, entranced by the long, graceful lines of her as she toed off her boots, slipped off her jacket and scarf and hung them in the hall closet before crossing the room in search of...well, hopefully him.

"Hey," she murmured, appearing in the doorway seconds later.

Castle smiled softly. "Hey."

She made her way to him, leaned down to drop a sweet kiss on his lips. "How's writing?"

"I gave up about an hour ago," he admitted sheepishly. "How was dress shopping?"

Kate smiled, perched herself on the edge of his desk, close enough that her legs were propped right next to his chair. "It was good. She found one, so..."

He met her smile, reached out to rest a hand on her thigh, just above her knee. "I'm glad."

She covered his hand with her own. "Me too."

"You look like you had a good time too," Castle observed, taking in the light in her eyes, the pink of her cheeks.

"It makes it real, you know?"

He nodded. He did know. The day last month that she'd finally come home having purchased a wedding dress made it all feel so true. So real and so right.

"Do I get to see yours yet?"

"Castle."

He smiled innocently and Kate rolled her eyes.

"Six more months."

A stunning smile split her face as she leaned down for another kiss, this one deeper than the last. Castle's arm rose to wrap around her lower back, tugging her to him, and she settled onto his lap, looping one arm around his neck and draping her legs across his thighs.

His arm settled firmly around her waist, holding her in place, lips never parting as they resituated.

Eventually, though, oxygen became a necessity, and Kate pulled back, leaving a lingering pack on his lips. She smiled dazzlingly down at him, saw his own smitten grin reflecting back at her.

"Hi," he breathed.

"Hi," she replied adoringly.

Castle lifted his right hand, gently tucked a few strands of hair behind her ear, fingertips lingering on her skin, trailing down the line of her cheek to her jaw, using the lightest amount of pressure to guide her back in for another kiss.

In the foyer, Martha chanced a peek through the bookcase wall, smiling proudly as she watched the love flow between them, heard the din of soft words being exchanged. She shook her head to herself as she readjusted the costumes over her forearm, silently slipped out of the loft in deference to their privacy.

They were so in love. And she was proud of them both for finally, _finally, _letting themselves fall.

"So what are Nikki and Rook up to?" Kate murmured after a moment.

Castle shrugged. "Their last lead didn't pan out, so they're just..."

He trailed off.

"Stuck?" Kate offered.

"You could say that."

"Mmmm. So you decided to read for inspiration again?"

He shook his head. "I just...missed you." It was sappy and he knew it, but from Kate's smile, he she didn't seem to mind too much.

"Ah."

"And then I was thinking about you doing wedding stuff and about us," he continued, correctly sensing that she clearly didn't believe that 'I missed you' was the whole story, "and about how far we've come. So..."

"So you were reading," she finished, pure love bubbling over in her chest at this wonderful, sweet man, at the fact that he wrote about her because he'd loved her long before she'd allowed herself to see it, that he read it because he missed her. That he loved their story just as much as she did.

"Yeah."

Kate leaned up to press her lips to his cheek, unable to stop herself from smiling against his skin. "How far did you get?"

"Mmmm, to the case with the plethora of con-men."

She chuckled against him at the memory. "Wanna keep going?"

He picked up the journal in response, smoothed down the pages.

They spent the next hour wedged in his desk chair, skimming through some of the entries, skipping others entirely, pausing on occasion to reminisce, laughing and smiling at the fun and funny memories.

It was like the cliffnotes version of their story, and even though she'd been there, had lived through all of it, it still amazed her that it was real. That they'd been through all of this. That it had led them to this – an engagement, a future.

Eventually, they found themselves staring at unfamiliar words. A letter that Kate didn't recognize, from a memory that sat on the tip of her tongue, not quite able to find its way out.

She lifted her head, opened her mouth to speak, but as she met his gaze, a silent understanding passed between them to keep reading. To see where their story would take them next.

_Dear Kate,_

_I feel like I've said this more than once throughout the course of this journal, but I was so terrified yesterday. So terrified. Even watching you take a bullet wasn't as bad as this. Because back then, I didn't already have you. Back then, I didn't know what it was like to be with you. I didn't know what it was like to be loved by you._

_But yesterday..._

_Now I know, Kate. Now I know what it feels like to hold you and kiss you and love you. To fall asleep next to you and wake with you in my arms. And if I'd lost you..._

_I don't think I need to say more._

_The pain was debilitating, Kate. Having to walk away from you. Not being able to hug you or kiss you or even touch you one last time. Hearing you tell me that you love me. Saying it back and knowing that it was the last time I would speak those words. It was awful._

_I feel like I shouldn't complain, because I know that for whatever I was feeling, it was probably worse for you. I had a way out. I had an escape. And you didn't._

_On the other hand, maybe I did have it worse – being the one who would have survived and had to move on without you. Having to watch the bomb go off, knowing that you were inside that building with no chance of survival. I couldn't have done it. Not a chance. It scares me, more than a little bit, how utterly devastated I felt as I was walking away from you, knowing it might be the last time I laid eyes on you. The last time I got to see you smile, hear your voice, look into your eyes._

_I don't know how you did it, Kate. I don't know how you came to peace with it. How you could look at me and tell me that you had no regrets. In your situation, I don't think I could have done the same. Yes, I have a wonderful daughter and a successful career. Yes, I've had a lot of fun in my days. But what about everything that hasn't happened yet? What about us, Kate? I've enjoyed every second I've spent with you, more than I can put into words, but eleven months isn't nearly enough. And I know that if it'd been me standing on that bomb instead of you, I would have regretted all the things we haven't had a chance to do yet._

_Move in together. Get married. Have a family. Grow old together._

_It was selfish of me, I know, to come back up there. To put myself in danger when I have a family to think about. But what you didn't realize is that you _are_ family, Kate. You're family to me. To all of us. I would do anything for my family. I would die for them. Which means that I would die for you, too. I know you were upset with me, but that's why I came back. Because there was still a chance, and as long as there was, I knew that the only thing I could do was to save your life or die trying. I never would have forgiven myself if I'd stood back and watched. A life with that knowledge hanging over my head isn't a life that I'm interested in living._

_The life I want to live is with you. The future I see is with you. And I can't give that up._

_I know there are no guarantees, but this one was just too close. Way too close. Times like this, I wish we could live in a bubble, away from all of the outside dangers. Just you and me. I know that's completely unrealistic, but hey, a man can dream, right? However, we have the day off today, and I'm sure you're exhausted and sore...sounds like a good day to curl up in our own little bubble and celebrate being alive._

_By the way, I'm really glad you're okay._

_It feels so good to know I can say this out loud now...I love you, Kate. So much._

_Rick_

"Castle," she murmured.

"Hmmm?"

Her head was tucked up next to his, lips against his shoulder as she spoke, and the words were soft but clear. "Thank you."

For saving her that day. For all the other times he'd saved her. For being there, day after day, even when she'd wanted him gone. For coming back, for forgiving her.

For seeing what they had long before she did, and for fighting to get them there.

He smiled, pressed his lips to her hair, and she knew what was coming even before the word left his mouth.

"Always."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	98. Squab And The Quail & The Human Factor

_Author's Note: Well, I definitely stand by my decision to wait until after the finale to tackle these last few chapters. Because really, the only way to go about this is to assume that the proposal part of Watershed never happened. So we're just gonna go with that._

_Thank you so much to Andy and Sonia for helping me work through this mess and make something of these last two chapters._

* * *

><p><strong>The Squab And The Quail &amp; The Human Factor<strong>

The door swung open with an excessively forceful shove, hitting against the doorstop and flinging back into Kate as she stepped inside, sluggishly removed her gloves and boots. It was snowing outside, a freak April storm coating the city in a slushy, white mess as winter made what was hopefully it's final appearance of the year. The streets and sidewalks were slick, and to top off her exhausting and irritating day, the normally beautiful cityscape was a sloppy, mucky mess.

Kate shrugged out of her drenched jacket, shook the snowflakes from her hair as she stepped fully inside, latched the door behind her, effectively shutting out the day.

She'd woken at 4:34 a.m. to the shrill ringing of her cell, an apparent murder victim found in the park. So she and Castle had trudged out of bed, rushing to make themselves at least semi-presentable as they hastened off to the early morning crime scene. The vic, as it turned out, was a middle-aged woman found floating in the water, and with the snow already falling, no amount of coffee was successful in warming them up as they crossed into the park, fingers and noses already numbed by the icy wind slicing through the air.

After consulting with Lanie and the distressed young man who'd stumbled upon the body, Kate and Castle had spent the majority of the day canvassing the park as well as nearby businesses for any information that might lead to an identity for their Jane Doe. But everything turned up empty, and by the time they'd exhausted the list of possible witnesses, they were windblown, chilled to the bone, and thoroughly soaked. Frozen and frustrated, Kate finally called it off for the day at nine o'clock, sent the team home.

Castle was already here somewhere, having cut out a couple hours earlier to head back to the loft and return a phone call to Black Pawn. He'd said something about dinner, too, at some point, but Kate was in no mood for food. She needed warmth. She needed sleep. She needed a hug. But most of all, she needed the two things that provided unwavering support and comfort, no matter the situation. Castle and his words.

She found the man in question seated at his desk, feet propped on the edge, computer balanced precariously in his lap. He greeted her with a smile and a quick kiss and, sensing her need for comfort rather than talk of work, he allowed her space to unwind before closing his laptop and joining her in bed.

He found her curled up beneath the blankets, head on his pillow, journal clutched in her hands as though his words were a lifeline, the only thing holding her together. Castle eased into bed next to her, situated himself in order to read along, drawing both pride and comfort from the knowledge that she was seeking solace not only in his words, but in their story.

_Dear Kate,_

_Did I miss something? I feel like I did. Because things were going so well for us. Two weeks ago, you loved me._

_And now this._

_I know I screwed up the other night. I did. I got sucked into my game and I blew you off, and while I won't apologize for enjoying video games, I do owe you an apology for the way I treated you during that exchange. I'm sorry._

_And yet I get the feeling that isn't the only thing going on here. There are obviously a whole slew of other issues. Otherwise this wouldn't be happening._

_You asked me the other day if I was taking you for granted. At first, I thought that it was a ridiculous and untrue accusation, and I couldn't even understand how you could think that. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that maybe you weren't completely wrong. Maybe I was taking you for granted a little bit. I guess I'm just so used to you being with me most nights that I figured whatever you had in mind could wait until I was done with my game. Because I assumed you'd be there later._

_And that was wrong of me, because the truth is that you didn't have to be there with me at all. You have your own apartment, other friends, other things to do. But you chose to be there with me and I should be grateful for that._

_I don't want to lose you, Kate. I want to be with you. I want to spend time with you. And I want _you,_ plain and simple. Please don't ever doubt that._

_But even though I tried to make it up to you, part of me feels like things still aren't completely solid with us right now. It's like Vaughn threw a monkey wrench into things and whatever he said or did changed something. I don't know if it was the kiss or that he was blatantly into you and trying to seduce you or what. All I know is that you haven't been the same since that whole ordeal started. And something tells me that it has to do with more than you 'swooning a bit.'_

_I wasn't there, so I can't really be an impartial judge, but I also can't help but wonder why you even had to push him away from you. Why you even let him try to kiss you, after getting upset with me over the very same thing. Clearly I wasn't wrong in not trusting you to remain professional._

_Were you trying to make me jealous? Was that your way of getting back at me for my stunt the other night? Or are you really just not as into this as I thought you were? You've never given any indication that you're not serious about us. You've been all in since the beginning which, actually, has been a pleasant surprise. So now, to see this happening..._

_I don't understand, Kate. Are you still upset with me? Or are you just losing interest?_

_If it's the first, I promise I'll do absolutely anything to make this up to you. If it's the second..._

_You know, my mother brought something up today that I've been trying to ignore, but I can't suppress it forever. Alexis assured me that you're fully committed to our relationship, but my mother was quick to point out that since there's no ring on your finger, technically you're not committed at all. I brushed it off at the time, but now I can't help but wonder if that's how you see it._

_I'm serious, Kate. I want you to know that. I'm serious about you and I want to be with you. It never even occurred to me that you'd want more already. That you'd be ready to move in or put a ring on your finger. Hell, I'm not sure I'm ready for that. I personally don't see any reason to rush into things when everything seems to be going so well. But maybe that's not how you see it. Maybe that's not what this is to you._

_What can I do, Kate? How can I prove this to you? Because I want us to be on the same page here. I don't want whatever is going on between us to grow into something it shouldn't be. I want us to be like we were before Vaughn swooped in and tried to woo you. I just don't know how to do that._

_Help me out here, Kate. Please._

_Rick_

Kate closed her eyes, shook her head, exhaling long and slow as she finished reading.

"You okay?" Castle queried, one hand rising to stroke her arm.

"Yeah, just...what a mess."

"Us?"

She nodded, gestured to the letter. "All of this."

He tipped his head briefly in agreement, couldn't argue with her assessment. Bad decisions, horrible communication breakdowns. It was a miracle they'd even made it past that first year.

She opened her mouth to speak, forced it shut again. They'd been through all of this already. They'd fought about it, cried about it, spent endless hours dwelling on it, and rehashing it now could serve no possible beneficial purpose.

"Come on," Kate urged, forcing the memories aside and flipping the page of the journal. "Let's keep reading."

Castle hesitated but soon arrived at the same conclusion, nodded in silent agreement.

_Dear Kate,_

_You're so cruel. So very cruel. Using my own toys against me, in the middle of the night, no less. I can't believe you did that (thought I love you a little bit more for it)._

_I admit, you got me. I was panicked and I completely fell for it. But I do have to admit, it wasn't entirely my fault. I'm a bit on edge because of this case, maybe slightly paranoid by the implications of the evidence we've uncovered. It's disconcerting to know that there are machines out there that can take someone out so stealthily, and it's even more distressing to know that some genius with a computer can hack into them and take complete control. Every scenario I've written in my head ends badly._

_What comes next? Mass murders committed via drones? A whole fleet of them in control of a hacker, wreaking havoc on people's lives? Innocent people dropping dead on the street at the hand of a psychotic killer who's taken over command of these machines? The possibilities are endless. And desolate._

_I don't like this. I don't like it at all. It's times like this that I hate having a writer's mind, because I can't help but write the story. Only this time, there's no good outcome. Cases like these make me wish I could crawl into a bubble and maintain a sense of innocence about the world, a place where rogue drones aren't even a consideration. Because no matter how hard law enforcement works, no matter how good the Feds are at their jobs, things like this can still happen. And that knowledge isn't at all comforting._

_What's even less comforting is how willing they were to cut us out of this case, despite the fact that we had a murder to solve. I understand that there are things that are confidential, but I don't like when they take priority over us bringing a killer to justice. It's frustrating._

_Like you said, no body, no crime scene, no evidence. But at least we have each other._

_Love,_

_Rick_

_PS - Are you ever going to tell me what Agent Stack really said to you? Because somehow I doubt he called a private conversation with you to talk about nothing._

"Do you regret it?" Castle asked, the words rolling off his tongue before he had a chance to stop them.

No. _No. _Stupid. Why was he bringing this up again now, after such a long, miserable day.

Kate swallowed hard, taking his question in stride. "Coming back to New York, you mean?"

He nodded stiffly, still cursing his lack of brain-to-mouth filter.

She shook her head, no hesitation in her movements. "No."

"Not at all?"

A shrug, slight purse of her lips. "Better doesn't equate to happier, Castle. Not when I had to leave behind friends and family and the luxury of having time for us." She shook her head. "My heart isn't in DC. It never was. It's here in the city."

Castle nodded pensively, opened his mouth to weigh in, but Kate beat him to it.

She smiled softly, lifting earnest eyes to his as her palm came to rest against his chest. "And here."

* * *

><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	99. Watershed

_Author's Note: I almost cried when I wrote the last sentence of this chapter. Because it's the last sentence of Spiral Bound that I'll ever write. There is, however, an epilogue, and a sequel of sorts is also in the works. If you're interested/have prompts and suggestions for the sequel, you can follow me on here, tumblr (dmarx), or twitter (dmarx711) for updates, other fics, and general fangirling._

_I'd also like to take a moment to say thank you to everyone for reading and reviewing, for your support and encouragement, and for sticking with me through 99 chapters. It means more to me than you'll ever know._

* * *

><p><strong>Watershed<strong>

Castle covered Kate's hand with his on his chest, held it in place, the contact reassuring, soothing after a long, cold day. The warmth of her touch infused his veins, reminding him that no matter what, he had her to come home to, her to curl up with in bed, a cocoon of warmth in which they could block out the day, descend into their own world.

He slowly released her hand, his touch traveling up her arm, over her shoulder, across her back, holding her to him. Kate came willingly, both hands and the journal trapped between them, and it was awkward and uncomfortable, but it was Castle, and he was warm and comforting, and she needed that.

"Rough day?" he asked softly, words traveling rapidly through the infinitely small space between them.

She nodded. "Yeah."

"Anything in particular?"

Kate shrugged, shook her head uncertainly. She could tell he'd noticed this morning. She could tell by the way he'd been glancing over at her almost incessantly, the constant supply of coffee, the way his theories were more toned down than normal. He could tell that something was bothering her. But he hadn't pressed, and for that, she was thankful.

To be honest, she wasn't sure exactly _what_ was bothering her. It wasn't the most frustrating case ever, not even the most obscene hour at which they'd been called in. And it certainly wasn't the worst weather she'd experienced, though the fact that it was snowing in April wasn't making her overly cheerful.

But the culmination of all of it, mixed with the stress of wedding planning and the upcoming performance reviews and the added pressure from Gates in light of said reviews, was catching up with her. It was exhausting.

"Not really," she offered finally, a far from perfect answer, but the best she could manage at this point. "Just everything lately, I think."

"It adds up," Castle agreed gently.

She hummed in response.

"Sleep?" he asked a moment later.

Kate shook her head. Despite the sluggishness of her thoughts, her movements, the day was still weighing heavily on her mind. She needed the distraction of his words, the memories and hope and promise contained within the confines of the notebook.

She needed _him._

"Read more, then?" he probed, eager to help but not wanting to upset her further.

To his relief, she smiled, disentangled herself slightly to release her grip on the journal. Castle propped himself on one elbow next to her as she flipped through to the right page, and together, they spiraled back down into the beauty of their story.

_Dear Kate,_

_I don't even know what to say._

_Just over a year ago, you came to me having quit your job and walked away from your mother's case, the words "I just want you" spilling from your lips. And now suddenly it's like that's not enough anymore. Like we're not enough. And I don't know how to feel._

_The selfish part of me wants to ask you to turn down the job offer, to stay here in New York. To stay with me. I love you, and I love being with you. The good, the bad, all of it. I've enjoyed every minute. And I don't want to give that up._

_But I won't stop you, Kate. If this job is what you truly want, I won't get in your way. All I've ever wanted is for you to be happy, and if you truly feel that your happiness lies in DC with this new job, then you should accept the offer. But I can't lie and say that it doesn't hurt._

_I thought...I thought you loved me, Kate. You said the words yourself. Unless you just said them because you thought they'd be the last words you ever spoke to me._

_Either way, this entire ordeal breaks my heart. Because when you said those words to me, I thought it meant that you were serious. That you were in this. And after hearing them, I never in a million years dreamed that we'd be facing something like this. It doesn't surprise me in the least that they offered you a job. You're amazing, and I'm sure you'd be successful there. It's a fantastic opportunity._

_But that doesn't mean that you should have kept it from me. Even if it was just an interview, the fact remains that you flew to another city without telling me, for a job that, should you take it, would have enormous implications for our relationship. That's not love, in my book. To me, loving someone means including them, considering them. It means we're an "us," not a "me." It should be "our life" now._

_I guess I was wrong._

_I want to be angry at you, Kate. And I am. I'm furious. I don't know how the hell we're supposed to handle this, and I have no idea how I'm supposed to trust you again after this, because you lied. Multiple times._

_I guess it shouldn't surprise me. It's been a battle since the beginning to get you to open up to me. But I thought you understood that being in a relationship meant honesty. I may not be the best at relationships, but I sure as hell wouldn't have lied to you like you did to me. I'd have been truthful from the start. I'd have talked to you._

_But at the same time, my mother said something that made me realize that I can't blame this all on you. She said that it's unfair of me to expect you to make a decision with both of us in mind when neither of us knows where we stand as a couple. I've been operating under the assumption that we're solid, that we love each other and we're really in this. Hell, we've been in this for a year._

_She seemed to think that wasn't enough. Said I'm giving off the impression that I'm unsure about us and about whether we're going to work out. She said I've been holding back when it comes to you and me. I hate to admit it, but she might be right._

_Which is why I've decided to stop holding back, to lay my cards on the table. I don't want there to be any more doubts. Regardless of how this job offer plays out, I want you to know where I stand. Hell, I'd have flown to DC with you if you'd just told me from the start, because I think it's amazing that they think you're cut out for this job. And I want to be there to support you in whatever lies ahead._

_I love you, Kate. You're tenacious and you're hard-working, and you're fabulous at your job, and it wouldn't be reasonable of me to expect you to never want bigger and better things for yourself. That drive and passion and work ethic is part of what made me fall in love with you, and it would be wrong of me to hold that against you, or to expect you to hold back in deference to me. That's who you are, and I don't expect that to change. I don't want it to._

_What I do want, though, is to be with you, regardless of everything else. You are who you are, and loving someone means accepting them the way they are, faults and all._

_I don't exactly know where we went wrong or how we managed to fall apart so badly, but I don't want you to ever doubt my feelings for you. I love you, Kate. No matter what you decide, I want you to know that I love you so much._

_Rick_

It had been nearly two years now. Two years since she'd accepted the job, prompting them to fight and yell and finally talk things out like two mature adults. Two years since the tears and the harsh words and them tearing each other's hearts out in an attempt to piece themselves back together.

How far they'd come since then.

Kate's gaze fell automatically to her left hand, to the finger that would soon be adorned by not one but two diamond rings. For all their stubbornness and poorly timed moments and enormous miscommunications in the past, she knew that they were forever. Knew it without a doubt. And even if she'd stayed in DC, there was no way she'd ever have been as happy there as she was here in New York.

"Sometimes I still can't believe this is real," Kate murmured, the words falling out of her mouth before she could stop them.

"What do you mean?"

"Here. Living together, about to get married. I mean, when we met..."

Castle chuckled at the memory.

"Even when we started dating," she recollected. "We were nowhere close to being ready for this."

"Mmmm, true," he agreed.

She nodded mildly, more to herself than to him.

"Then again, are any of us ever really ready for anything?" Castle queried. "I mean...look what life's thrown at us. How could we ever have been ready for that?"

"You mean freezers?"

"And bombs."

"Rogue federal agents."

"And bank robberies."

"The Hudson River."

"The tiger."

They fell silent simultaneously, eyes searching each other's, before bursting into laughter at the sheer ridiculousness of it all. It was hard to believe, sometimes, that this was their life. That it was real, that they were here together, their hearts twined so inextricably.

"You know what I _am_ ready for?" Castle asked once they calmed, the laughter fading into radiant smiles as they held each other's eyes lovingly.

"Bed?" Kate answered on a yawn.

"Well, that," he conceded, his hand falling from hers to her leg, running along the smooth skin until his fingers could slide beneath the hemline of her shorts, teasing the softness of her inner thigh. "And you."

Kate smirked, her own hand finding its way to his upper thigh, tracing the crease of his hip through the fabric of his boxers, and Castle couldn't help the jerk of his pelvis against the sensual feel of her touch through the softness of the silk. "You're always ready for me."

"You got that right."

"What else, Castle," she murmured, drawing them back to his original question.

"Hmmm?"

She raised her eyebrows, loving that she could still distract him so easily, even after all this time. But they had all night for distractions. First, she wanted to know what was on his mind.

"What were you actually going to say?"

His fingers stilled against her skin, eyes closing tightly as he forced himself to recall their conversation, already pushed from his mind by the feel of Kate's skin beneath his fingertips.

Oh. Right. What he was ready for. Besides her.

Castle blindly reached for her hand, lifted it to his lips to place a kiss on her knuckle, just above the shimmering symbol of their love, their forever, their always.

"This," he murmured against her skin, and her heart fluttered at the earnestness in his voice, the pure love in his clear blue eyes as he blinked them open, sought her gaze. "Whatever happens, whatever life throws at us, I'm ready to experience it with you."

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><p><em>Thoughts?<em>


	100. Epilogue

_Author's Note: I'm tearing up as I post this. Literally. Because this fic has been over a year in the making and I've absolutely loved writing it and I can't believe it's over. So before the chapter, allow me to ramble a bit and express my gratitude. Thank you to:_

_1. katiic for the original post that inspired this idea and for allowing me to run with it._

_2. flashofblue for designing the cover art._

_3. Andy - thanks for betaing every single chapter, and for your suggestions and constant encouragement. This fic wouldn't even exist if you hadn't convinced me to post it in the first place!_

_4. Everyone who ever sent me ideas/suggestions. There are parts of this story that never would have turned out the way they did without your input._

_5. And finally, to everyone who ever read/favorited/followed/reviewed this fic and/or reblogged/retweeted the link. Without you guys and your support, this fic wouldn't be what it is today. I love all of you so much. Thank you._

* * *

><p><strong>Epilogue<strong>

**Six Months Later**

The room was silent as Kate stepped through the doorway, the soft breathing of her fiancé the only sound. The first rays of sun were just peeking over the horizon, golden in the early morning sky. They'd left the blinds open last night, fallen asleep gazing out at the moon and stars over the Atlantic, and now the morning light was making its way through the glass, illuminating Castle's sleeping form.

He was sprawled on the bed facing her, arms stretched out toward where she'd lain just twenty minutes earlier, before she'd silently slipped out of his embrace, found a piece of paper and a pen in his office, and scrawled down the plethora of words floating through her mind. She could only hope that her sentences came out more clearly than the jumbled mass of thoughts in her head.

Kate crept across the bedroom to the nightstand to retrieve their journal, silently thanking Castle for thinking to bring it along. Hypothetically, she could have written in the book herself, but there was just something so special about the fact that he was the only person ever to have written in it. Somehow, it seemed right to keep it that way.

So instead she picked it up, flicked through to the last entry, and slipped her folded letter in between the pages, a surprise for him someday soon. As she secured the sheet of paper, though, her eyes caught sight of the date at the top of the page and she froze as she realized why the journal had made the trip.

The date in the corner of the page...it was today's.

He'd written to her today, though it was only seven a.m., meaning he either did this sometime in the middle of the night or within the last couple of days and dated it a few days in advance. Kate shook her head, smiled. That man.

She was debating whether to let her curiosity get the better of her and read his words when she heard Castle stir behind her. She froze, moved only enough to turn her head in his direction. He blinked open bleary eyes, blindly reached for the tails of her shirt. His shirt.

"Come back to bed."

His voice was soft and sleepy and it wrapped around her, pulled her to him. She quietly closed the journal and set it aside, though not softly enough to escape detection.

"Mmm, what...?" Castle asked, blinking both eyes open.

She lifted her gaze to his, saw the question in his expression.

"I..."

"Are you..."

They both stopped, spoke again at the same time. "You first."

Castle laughed awkwardly. "Are you reading?"

"I..." Kate hesitated. It wasn't that she never intended for him to see this letter. She just hadn't planned on 'someday' being today.

But she made a snap decision, extracted the piece of paper, and held it up. "I was putting this in here for later but I...I saw the date on this last page and..."

"Oh," he breathed, curling his legs and pushing himself into a more seated position. "I umm..."

"I didn't read it," she clarified. "I just...saw it."

"Did you do the same thing?" he asked, gesturing to the paper in her hands.

Kate laughed softly. "I did, yeah."

Sometimes it was scary how similarly their minds worked.

"Do you..." he paused, nodded to the journal. "I don't mind if you read it now."

She looked down at the contents of her hands, back up to him. "I...sure, okay." She hesitated a moment, extended her own letter to him. "I guess you might as well, too."

"You're sure?"

She nodded and he reached out to take the paper from her, fingers brushing hers as he did so. Kate could feel the tension between them, the excitement of the coming day combined with uncovering the content of these letters, of each person's reaction to the other's words.

"Together?" Castle asked, unfolding the page tentatively.

Kate crawled back into bed, slipped her bare legs beneath the covers as she sat facing him, knees meeting in the middle. "Let's read mine first."

_Dear Castle,_

_We're getting married today. And I know I'm going to be so overwhelmed that coherency isn't going to be high on my priority list, so I'm writing you a letter instead. And when you read this someday, you'll know everything I'm going to want to say to you today but won't be able to find the words for. I have no idea when you'll find this but I know that you will one day in the future. Our future._

_Ever since I was a little girl, I've dreamed that one day I'd find the man I'd spend the rest of my life with. I never knew when or where or how we'd meet, but deep down, I knew that we would. My parents were married for 22 years, and the majority of my memories of them are that they were always so genuinely happy. They both worked a lot, but they always made time for each other. Whether it was to get dressed up and go out on a date once a month or have a movie night in our living room or laze in bed on a Sunday morning with coffee and breakfast as they worked their way through the crossword puzzle, they were always there for each other. Sure, they fought. But their love was so unwavering, such a strong and solid foundation. Even from a young age, I could tell that what they had was the real thing. And I wanted that._

_Until my world came crashing down around me and I saw the ugly side of life, of love. I saw what people were capable of, and how their thoughtless actions could shatter your life in a matter of seconds. I saw what it did to my father to have his wife torn away from him so tragically and seemingly without reason. I felt what it did to me as I lived through the nightmare, the pain so sharp and encompassing that there were days I wasn't sure I would make it. Or that I wanted to. Losing someone so near and dear to your heart is something from which you never truly recover, and I never wanted to go through that type of pain again._

_I still believed that the day I arrested you for the first time, the day you wormed your way into my life against my wishes. I believed that falling in love wasn't worth it, that opening myself up to another person was a risk that was guaranteed to end in heartbreak. Sure, I'd had relationships, some that even lasted a decent amount of time. But none of them ever stood a chance of succeeding, not when I'd closed myself off from even the possibility of falling in love. Those walls I told you about on the swings almost four years ago...they were impenetrable, which was exactly what I wanted. And no one ever made it past even the first layer of bricks._

_Until you._

_God, it used to drive me crazy, the way you managed to find your way inside even when you barely knew me. I still remember that very first case, the way you profiled me almost exactly. No one had ever done that before, and it scared me because your words reached places in me that no one else's had in a long time. I guess I should have known even then that you'd find your way through one day._

_And you did, though it was a long time before I admitted that to myself. I pretended that I wasn't affected by you, that you didn't stir up these feelings inside of me that I hadn't felt in a long time. Because the stronger the feelings, the harder the fall, and I couldn't afford to crash and burn again._

_But you stuck around, annoyed me, pushed and pried and bulldozed your way to my heart and no matter what I tried, I just couldn't seem to keep you out. And slowly but surely I realized that maybe letting you in wasn't such a bad thing. You know as well as I do how stubborn I can be, how difficult it was for me to completely let go of my past and stop allowing it to dictate my future. How hard it was to let myself let you in._

_But you proved yourself over and over again by sticking around, by coming back to me even when I did my best to push you away, by being willing to do absolutely anything for me. And most importantly, you made me smile and laugh and learn to live again. You brought light to my life where before there was only darkness. You brought a sense of hope and optimism when I was surrounded by so much death that it was hard not to be pessimistic._

_You made me believe again...in happiness, in magic, and in forever._

_And somewhere along the way, I fell so irrevocably in love with you that I can't imagine my life any other way than with you in my heart._

_It still terrifies me, the possibility of ever living without you. I still don't know how I'd ever survive if something happened to you, and the mere thought of it is utterly paralyzing. But I realized at some point that no matter what the future throws at us, what we have is worth any pain I might endure along the way. My mom used to say that life never gives you anything you can't handle. For a long time I thought she was wrong, but you've helped me to realize the truth in her words._

_So thank you, for sticking around and driving me crazy, for believing in us and never giving up on me, for seeing what we had long before I did and being willing to wait for me to work through everything. For loving me._

_In just a few hours, my long lost childhood dream will finally come true. I'll put on a white dress and my father will walk me down the aisle and hand me over to the man who will always have my heart. I'll slide a ring on his finger as I promise to love him for the rest of my life, and he'll do the same to me. Both of us will probably cry. We'll share our first kiss as husband and wife, the first of many. There will be delicious food and cake and dancing but I won't notice any of it because he'll be by my side and when he's there, nothing else matters. Only him._

_Only you._

_I know that no words will ever be enough to describe how much I love you, Castle, but I hope that with this letter you will realize that you are my everything, my always, and that my heart forever belongs to you._

_I love you so much and I promise to show you that every day for the rest of our lives._

_Love,_

_Kate_

There were tears in his eyes when he finished reading and lifted his eyes to hers.

"Castle," she whispered anxiously, nervous as to his reaction to her words. But even through his watery gaze, she could see the pure love radiating from his features and understood that the droplets on his cheeks were tears of happiness.

He was at a complete loss of words, simply picked up the journal and handed it to her. She silently took it from him, adjusted the angle so they could both read his letter.

_Dear Kate,_

_The very first letter in these journals marks the beginning of our story, and while I know that today is nowhere near the end, it only seems right to document the closing of this chapter and the opening of the next. These last few years have been so unbelievably amazing but I know that the best is yet to come._

_We're getting married tomorrow. Or, well, today, considering that it's currently 1:30 in the morning._

Well, that explained when he'd written the letter, Kate realized with a shake of her head. Only Castle would wake up in the middle of the night to write to her on their wedding day. It made her love him even a little bit more.

_It all seems so surreal still that by this time tomorrow you'll be my wife. I never imagined when I first met you that you would be anything more than a passing fling, one woman in a string of many. You were commanding and gorgeous and so very sexy, and I'm sure our one night together would have been hot and wild and passionate._

_But if you'd said yes to me back then, where would we be right now? Would I have come back after that first case? Would there have been more than one night? Would we have crashed and burned as we tried to figure out what exactly was going on between us, what we both wanted?_

_Whatever would have happened, I'm almost positive it wouldn't have led us here, and I'm so glad you turned me away, because I can't imagine the last six and a half years without you by my side. I don't know what my life would be like but I know with absolute certainty that it would never be anything like it is now. With you, I'm happier than I've ever been. With you, I'm a better man. And with you, I've learned to believe that forever is possible. I can only hope that I've been able to give to you what you've given to me._

_As I sit here writing by the light of the full moon outside, you're asleep next to me, burrowed into the pillows. The sheet is bunched down around your waist and I just want to lean over and leave a trail of kisses up your spine, whisper soft words of love in your ear. But at the same time, I don't want to wake you, because I never tire of watching you sleep. You're always stunning, but right now you look so peaceful and beautiful, so angelic, the way the moonlight is illuminating your features, casting a glow off your skin. So ethereal._

_It's been three years now and I still can't believe I'm the one who gets to fall asleep next to you every night. I don't know what I ever did to deserve that, to deserve you, but I'm so unbelievably thankful to you for giving me a chance, for taking the risk and letting me into your heart._

_No matter what it took to get to this point, no matter what we may endure in the future, I wouldn't have it any other way. I treasure every moment we have spent together and I know that there are only more to come, each as special as the one before._

_I've always been at a loss of words when it comes to you, Kate, and perhaps that's because there are none to describe how much you mean to me. Maybe one of these days I'll find the right ones. Until then, never forget that you have my heart, my love, and everything else I have to give, always._

_I love you so much._

_Rick_

By the time she reached the end of the letter, the ink was swimming on the page, blurred by her own tears. God, this man and his words. He knew exactly what to write to plunge straight down to the very depths of her heart.

"Castle," she breathed, lifting her head. Teary eyes met teary eyes and Kate reached out her free hand to cup his jaw, guide him closer. He came willingly, pressed their lips together so sweetly that the tears escaped from her eyes at the gentleness of the gesture.

He pulled away briefly, folded her letter and secured it back in the journal. He set it safely aside and when he turned back to her, he wasn't sure who moved first. All he knew was that he was suddenly lying on his back in the bed, Kate on top of him, limbs wrapped around him. Her face was buried in his neck, his in her hair, and he was no longer sure whose tears were whose.

"God, I love you," he whispered into her hair, lips brushing the shell of her ear as he spoke. "So much, Kate."

She pressed her lips to his neck in response, still not trusting her voice to work.

"We're getting married," Castle choked out a minute later.

Kate nodded, raised her head to meet his eyes. "We are," she managed, so many emotions laced in her words.

Their mouths lifted into simultaneous smiles as they gazed at each other lovingly, paragraphs of feelings, of love, flowing between them.

At long last he blinked, broke the spell. "When do you have to start getting ready?"

Kate glanced at the clock on the bedside table, back to him. "In about two hours."

"Good," Castle replied immediately, rolled them so she was beneath him, and she could see the sudden appearance of mischief in his twinkling blue eyes.

"And why's that?" she asked with a smirk.

"Because, Almost-Mrs.-Castle," he husked, and Kate raised her eyebrow because she wasn't changing her name - at least not professionally - but he still insisted that he was going to call her Mrs. Castle, and she knew that he knew that she secretly loved the sound of it even if she pretended not to.

She smiled widely, eyes beautiful and sparkling as she spoke. "Because what, Mr. Castle?"

He dropped his lips to hers, a feather of a touch laced with the promise of so much more. "Because that means that I have one last chance to show Katherine Beckett exactly how much I love her."

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><p><strong>END<strong>


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